His question was going around and around in my head. How could he think I would even consider doing that with him? We barely knew each other. But...maybe that was what made me a good candidate. A soft sigh passed my lips and I was tempted to run a hand through my hair, but I was at work. I had to look somewhat presentable today. No need to induce bedhead. I found my gaze drifting over to the kid's section. He wasn't here today and he wouldn't be coming in. I checked the schedule this morning. A part timer, Jun I think his name was, would be working next to me today. And though we were a little short handed today, it was slow. I was praying Kiseop wouldn't decide to visit.

I told him I would think about his question. Stupid, but I needed time to build up the courage to tell him no. I wasn't about to put myself in the midst of drama between Kiseop and his 'sort of'' boyfriend. But this was not something I can really do over the phone. I want to help him, but certainly not in that way.

To get my mind off of it, I decided to organize some of the more expensive vinyls behind me. I noticed a customer from the corner of my eye, but I decided to wait before approaching him. I didn't want to harass someone as soon as they entered this part of the store. And there was no need for me to either. He got the cd he wanted and came straight for the register. I met him there and took the cd from his hands. “How are you today?” I asked while looking down at the album. It was rude, but most of my attention was taken up by the album it self. Kyuhyun... Jae liked him.

“I'm doing great.” That voice... I had just scanned the cd for the price and those numbers displayed on the screen for the customer. Good too, because my hand started to sweat and shake. All the memories from over a year ago began to flood my senses. All I can hear was his deep voice pleading. The sound of his sobs surrounding my senses. The scent of what we had been doing hanging heavy in the air, drowning and silencing out anything else. There was no way it was him.

But that deep voice of his was something I could never forget. No matter how much I wanted too. I wanted too. I wanted to forget him and all those beautiful memories we shared. Do I need another year in hiding? With the way I was shaking, I was beginning to wonder. This was such a stupid idea. I should have never left him.

My sight darted to his hands. I had to know. On his pinky finger was a red thread tied with a nearly invisible knot, just like mine. And his went behind him. His string wasn't connected to mine. I should feel relieved. I made the right choice, leaving him.

“Eli?” I finally lifted my head and met his gaze. His hair was longer, darker and curlier than it was the last time. But then he was kinda addicted to the straightener. He felt taller too, but that could just be my imagination. He smiled softly at me and my heart was breaking.“It's been forever since I last since you. Here, you should take this.” I glanced down at his other hand, to see it was the money for the cd. The exact change, thank god. I can barely register I was in the book store right now, much less count cash. I needed to get a hold myself.

I put the money in the register and packed up the cd. I passed the bag to him and not a word pass my lips. I was so upset, but I was not about to let him see that. “See you later Eli.” He took his things and left.

I watched his back until he disappeared outside. For one crazy moment, I wanted to run after him. I wanted to catch up. I wanted to tell him that I take everything that I said back. That he could use me however he wanted as long as I got to stay by his side. I wanted to be back in his warm bed, cuddled up to him before our last fight. After all this time I still wanted him.

I want him.

But the only thing keeping me from running after him was my obligation to this job and this new life. And the strange hope...though small, that hope that if things work with Kiseop, maybe I can have something healthier. It wasn't right to be this obsessed with another person.

“Eli?” I turned from the front door and looked to the co worker who called my name, Hoon. “Did you go to lunch yet?” I glanced to the clock and slowly shook my head. Oops, I missed my window. “Go ahead. I'll watch your area.” I nodded at him and walked to the break room. All I could think about were what ifs and Jae.

ººº

The breeze of late fall and early winter blew threw the park, knocking colored leaves off of some of the skinnier trees. I was slouched into a bench and my head rested back. Eyes to the sky, I watched heavy grey clouds pass by. It would rain soon and it was getting darker fast. I was still in new territory...I should go home. Be alone, like I have been for the last year. No friends...No boyfriend...Just memories of what could have been. Memories of what was.

I have been sitting out here for hours, after my shift ended. Maybe I was waiting for the rain. My phone buzzed for the fourth time and I finally decided to pull it out of my pocket. Of course it was him. I put it back. I really didn't want to deal with my neighbor at the moment. But barely a few minutes later, it rings again and I was on the edge of my patience.

“What?!” I screamed into the cellular device and jumped up from my seat, hardly realizing what I was doing.

“Oh...bad time?” Kiseop's voice sounded small and far away. I took a deep breath, quickly realizing I was doing the same thing he did to me just a few days ago.

“Sorry...what do you need?” I sighed into the device and ran a hand through my short hair.

“It's nothing really. I can just call you tomorrow.”

Still with the tiny voice, I knew I really scared him. That was the first time he's seen me lose my cool. But I couldn't help it. The one person I devoted my life to, cheated on me. I wasn't over it...And that's not Kiseop's fault. “No, it's fine. What is it?”

“Uh...I wanted to know your answer...to my question yesterday.”

I didn't hesitate. I knew my answer. I made up my mind after seeing Jaeseop. “No.” I paused and decided I could at least give him an explanation. I didn't want to come off as so cold. “I just don't think it's a good idea.” It wasn't at all. And I wasn't even sure if Jae moved on yet. If he's available, I want to be available too. I don't want a pretend boyfriend to be in my way. God, I'm pathetic.

“Okay.” His voice barely over a whispered and it sounded like he dropped something in the background. My heart was hurting and I was just feeling worst. “Um, when are you getting home? It's past seven.”

“Why do you care?” I was mad and had no one to focus my anger on. I quickly pressed the end button. And waited.

I'm not sure how long I stared at my phone, but he never called back.

ººº

It was bugging me all night, so the following morning, I decided to visit Kiseop. I had the day off so, maybe we could just hang as friends or something. I crossed the hallway and lightly knocked on his door while quietly hoping he was still there.

“Who are you?” I turned at the unfamiliar voice and came face to face with the tall brunette. Kevin.

“Um. I'm just here to see Kiseop.” Part me almost called myself his friend, which I'm not. And another, smaller part of me was more than willing to call myself his boyfriend. But I am not about to join this redhead's circus.

I got a glare, but the door opened before he could really say anything. I look at Kiseop and my voice feels caught in my throat. His red hair was a fiery mess on his head, like he just woke up. He wore loose, sweat pants, and a sweaty tank top. I glanced over the tanned skin of his chest and tight muscles of his arms. It looked like he spent every afternoon lifting weights. My face was burning and it took me forever before I realized I was staring. “Eli?” I couldn't meet his gaze, so I turned my head and decided the hallway was a lot more interesting. “Kevin? What are you two doing here?”

“We need to talk about yesterday.” Now the brunette had my attention. What did they do yesterday? I met Kiseop's eyes again and he looked...sad.

“No, we don't.” He spoke to Kevin, but watched me. Taking my arm, he dragged me into his apartment, like I wasn't willing, and closed the door before Kevin could say anything else. It was rude, but I made no comment. He watched me for a bit, before turning his back and stepping into the living room. “Sit. I need to change real quick.” I followed behind him and went straight to the sofa. I watched him disappear into a hallway. Despite how cold it was, he had a small fan in the corner of the room, blowing a strong breeze despite its size. The tall windows on the far side of the apartment were opened slightly. Even with working out, nothing in his apartment was out of place. But...that was just him I guess. Just because I was messy didn't mean everyone else needed to be.

I heard running water, soft like from a shower head. Good, I got time to think. I tapped my foot lightly on a ground, a nervous habit I was unaware I even had. I wanted to gather my thoughts and properly explain myself. The main reason I came here was to talk to someone. I really needed a friend after the events of yesterday. I already knew I wasn't thinking straight about anything related to my ex boyfriend. He unloaded on me, I guess I could just return the favor. If...he's alright with it. I just really needed a friend.

A soft tap against the wood of his table woke me from my deep thoughts. Tea...And the redhead came around the table and sat next to me. Now dressed in jeans and a dark, graphic tee. He sat a second can of the tea next to the one placed in front of me. “I like it too.” He smiled softly at me, but it looked forced. I guess hanging up on him wasn't exactly the nicest way to end that conversation. “So, what do you need?”

I watched the ground and shifted in my seat. I wasn't as ready to talk about it, as I thought. But it was eating at me. When I met his gaze again, he was staring at me, with a curious glint in his brown eyes. “Um, I wanted to unload on you too.” Then I thought about his...boyfriend. I nodded my head at the direction of the front door. “What about Kevin though? You kind of just closed the door on him.”

“He'll probably come back later. We do have to discuss something pretty important.” A small smile rested on his features just for a bit, but it was a long enough bit that I caught it. I could feel the corners of my lips descend. After what he told me, they got back together? What about this stupid ribbon? I was suddenly angrier than I would have liked and wanted to leave. I would've, except...being alone .

“Oh okay.” I sounded unenthusiastic on purpose and Kiseop frowned in turn. I didn't question it and instead went into my story. “Yesterday at work I saw my ex.” The red head straighten his posture and watched me, but I couldn't look at him right now. “My story is a lot like yours. We were together for awhile, he cheated on me. I ended it and it's been a year since I've seen him. Just shows up at my job one day.”

Kiseop was quiet and my own voice was thick enough to weigh down my tongue. The silence filling the room. “...What are you going to do?” I could feel his eyes still on me.

“I don't know.”

“What do you want to do?”

“Call him. Tell him I'm sorry.”

“Hmm...Do you still love him?”

“...No.” I can't anyway. I'm not suppose to be with him. I'm suppose to be with you.

“Then why do you think you want to be with him?”

I frowned at him. “I never said that.”

“You didn't need too.” He smiled sadly and I began to really wonder just how similar both of our past relationships were. “I can see it. I felt the same way with Kevin.”

“Felt?”

He leaned back in into the couch, looking comfortable. “Yeah, he came over here because I would always call him. I said sort of boyfriend, but really we broke up well over a year ago, maybe closer to a year and a half. I was still attached. I think he showed up here out of guilt. Yesterday he came over again to talk. There's someone he's getting real serious about and he thinks he should stop coming over. We fought and he told me today would be the last time he was coming over. I've been thinking about it since he left.

“He was my first boyfriend and we dated for a while. I guess I was afraid of losing him. But I'm not in love with him and he isn't in love with me, so why are we even bothering at this point?” He gave me that sad smile again. “I think you are afraid of losing your first love too. Maybe even afraid of taking a chance and finding your true soulmate. You might laugh but I'm foolish enough to believe everyone has one.”

His words had me drop my gaze to our hands. Both on the cushion between us and so close. I had the sudden urge to hold his and tell him he was right. That he wasn't foolish. I wanted to say that I was his soulmate. That we belong together. But how would I tell him such a thing when I just basically said I wanted Jae back.

I wanted the comfort.

The comfort and familiarity a relationship with him would bring. I didn't want to learn and love the quirks and flaws of someone new. I didn't want to start fresh. I was so comfortable in that familiarity that I was willing to go through the same pain all over again.

I was willing to put myself through hell to enjoy some sort of makeshift heaven.

And maybe that is why I see the ribbon. Because if I didn't, I would probably just keep putting myself through a cycle of abuse. I deserve happiness right. And the chance of taking it is right next to me. I would be a fool to toss it away for pretend joy.

“You're not foolish.” My eyes meeting his deep brown ones again. My heart didn't beat erratic rhythm. My palms didn't sweat. My soul. My being felt at ease. Like I was home. “Kiseop?”

“Yes?” It was hard to read his expression, but with how alert his posture was, how far on the edge of his seat he was, and how his hands clenched into fists. I could tell he was eager to hear what I had to say. Did something in him change too?

“You no longer want a pretend boyfriend right?” I need your help.

Kiseop bit his lip and shook his head. “Why,” he chuckled, “did you change your mind?”

“Yeah.” I was completely serious. “I want to make Jae jealous.”

Except I didn't. I wanted to know what it was like to start new. I actually wanted to see this whole soulmate thing through. Because I don't want to hurt anymore. And now I saw Kiseop in a new light. Just a few days ago he was the screaming redheaded lunatic who lived next door. But there's sense to his attitude and I've grown fond of him within a short amount of time. I want to see this through. I want to know what love truly is.  

This chapter was harder to write than I would have liked

But hey, here it is

I hope its okay

Because of this chapter going the route it did, there might be two more chapters left

And this whole story is going to be in Eli's pov, so I'm not going to write it at the beginning of every chapter anymore. 

So thank you for giving my story attention, hope you have a wonderful day or night x3