As the boat jacked trough the next wave, another load of foam splashes onto their sun-kissed skin. Giggles broke the idyllic silence from the swooshing sound of the breaking waves and the soft thumb of the walls of water hitting against the forward dashing bow. Except for the murmuring sea there is also the soft sound of two voices bickering with each other. But they are scarcely audible, more like the whispers of the passing sea breeze.
Excitedly Wooyoung takes off his shoes and socks, before he eagerly turns up his trousers as far as his tight pants allow him. Chansung watches him in awe but couldn’t help to shake his head terrifiedly when the older one gestures him to do the same.
It doesn’t hinder Wooyoung to slip his legs trough the cold metallic rail and letting them dangle.
“It’s cold and refreshing.”
He states his doing not hiding the impish tone that mixes so well in his ordinary playful sing sang voice. Chansung tightens his trembling grip before he carefully risks to glance over the rail he is clinging on. In contrary to his already tanned skin Wooyoung’s leg are still creamy white. He has only dipped his toes into the ocean but since the ship was moving they brush against the surface.
“Aren’t you scared?”
Chansung asks carefully, afraid Taecyeon might hear it. Mocking the Maknae apparently is one of his favorite things.
“Why should I?
Life is too short to be scared of everything Chansung.”
He says with a frown and an unfamiliar contemplatively lingers in his words, but eventually he leans back and adds with a cheeky smile.
“Beside if you would sit next to me I wouldn’t need to fear anything. I’m sure sharks prefer meaty toes as their pray.”
He laughs at the sheer horror, written all too readable on Chansung’s face. This guy really wore his emotions on his sleeves.
It’s too easy to forget that the cute face with the pinchable cheeks belongs to a sly owner. He wanted to pout but Wooyoung’s laugher is just way too addicting and infective and so he ends up cackling along.
“I guess so…”
 
The boat suddenly picks up on speed, probably because Junho has won the argue with Taecyeon or Nichkhun has had enough and arbitrates between them. Junho just has the longer air if it comes to endurance stubbornness. Once the Emperor makes up his mind then there is no going back, it's set and has to be done. Fierce and wayward like the rough and quickly changing weather on the sea. However Junho might have some bad temper from time to time, but he does know how to control the wind to his imagination, since the new angle of their sails seem to adjust perfectly with the warm west squall.

Wooyoung giggles in joy as the cold sensation of the sea drizzle boast against his heated flesh.
Wiggling his upper body in between the across reclined bars of the railing to get more splashes sprinkling over him. Just watching him made Chansung feel nervous, and his fingers itch to hold him, in case he might slip and fall.
“Please Wooyoung, at least sit still.... If something happens, we are so far away from shore… - I don’t want to lose you.”
Wooyoung turns to face him and for a brief second Chansung lost himself in the beauty of his eyes. Mirroring the beauty of the ocean on a dead calm day.
“Chansung,”
He begins his voice oh so softly.
“Losing and finding that’s a part of life. We trail away from the known shore, its color still so vividly in our minds, but the further we go the more memories start to vague. Homesickness in all its agony will pass by, and bleeding wounds become scars. You don’t need to fear those changes, because if you reach home again, they will return in all their details just like they never were apart from you. All the good and the bad ones. The difference is that you will know how to deal with them. Fading and recovering it’s all a part of life.”
Something in Chansungs chest tightens and squeezes his poor heart. It aches and feels horrible heavy but he can’t really understand why. Maybe that’s how a heart attack feels like, or he has just caught a weird kind of flu. It was surprisingly cold the last few days.
“Chansung, go and get something warm to wear the wind will change soon!”
“Hyung! You frightened me!”
Chansung yelps, he hasn’t heard Minjun coming. The upside is that his heart attack has been forgotten by his now racing heart. The weight that has built up on his chest just melts once he glares at the rude interrupter. Anger tickles on the pit of his stomach but he also feels weirdly relieved. Beside Minjuns eyes are so full of care that he can’t stand their gaze for too long.
Wooyoung looks at him funnily and with a puzzled look of concern.
“I will get you one too, Woodongie~!”
The confusion quickly changes into a bitter expression as soon the excited boy has rushed away. Wooyoung furrows his eyebrows and bites his inner cheeks trying hard to prevent himself from shedding tears.

Chansung almost runs into a very Taecyeon, standing in front of the wardrobe rummaging for something to wear.
He is only covered by a towel sloppily wrapped around his hips showing more than it hides.
“Hyung…!”
Chansung whines while covering his eyes. It's not like he has never seen Taecyeon , but it's just awkward and weird if they stand alone in a small room where they are supposed to sleep!
“You know you can lock a door if you need privacy!”
In contrary to his interrupter, Taecyeon actually enjoys seeing Chansung jumpy and embarrassed.
“Sorry baby,”
He speaks under his breath, as corny as possible while gazing at him. He wriggles his eyebrows flirtatiously and ends his attack with a frisky wink, only Nichkhun should be allowed to do. It’s too sloppy for Chansung to handle and he cringes. He could literary feel how his facial skin color change into an unhealthy red, very much to Taecyeon’s delight.
“Just take some shorts at least.”
He must have taken a shower earlier and once again forgotten to prepare some fresh clothes, since clean was relative on sea. To his defense except very neat Nichkhun they probably all do their laundry more or less chaotically and Taecyeon isn’t the only one running out of clean clothes occasionally. Beside he never has had much space in the wardrobe since Minjun took his drawers as always. Wouldn’t said Minjun constantly nag about Chansung's clothes and remind him persistently to at least put them in a hamper, he probably would have nothing to wear either.
But when Chansung comes closer to give Taecyeon some of his, he is hit by the inviting cozy smell of Taecyeons musky scent. A tart mix between his sweat and the acerb of the ocean. Salty in a way that he almost can savor it.
Something about it enthuses Chansung, it makes Taecyeons odor even manlier and somehow appealing, but he crosses that thought as soon as it pops up in his mind. Shoving it back, deep down in his subconscious where it has been coming from. Never ever does he want to think about Taecyeon being y, more than ever if he stands in less than shorts right in front of him. The logical conclusion came when he hears his stomach grumble in protest. Right, he hasn’t eaten well lately, probably because he isn’t used to the constant swinging of the boat yet and probably the briny taste reminds him that he is hungry. Thinking about all the fish that live in the huge salty pool around them, he can’t help but to wonder if the salt just might be the sweat of sea creatures defending their territory against intruders. To be honest this thoughts have crossed his mind because he imagines Taecyeon as a merman doing chin-ups.
Usually Minjun is known to be the unfortunate out of them but if it comes to unwanted baths in waves, Taecyeon beats them all. As if the sea knows that the beast dislikes to encounter water if it doesn’t involve showing off his abs.
Because Taecyeon doesn’t smell like shampoo and soap he just figures that it has been the curse of the reborn merman and an uncalled meeting with the waves again.
“Hyung if you want to, you can have some of my drawers. Minjun hasn’t left you enough space and I will be fine.”
Taecyeons smile falters for a second before he nods weakly.
“Thank you Chanie, but for now I will just steal yours!”
He tries to sound lighthearted but Chansung can tell something is amiss.
He just couldn’t pin point it.
“You know,”
He adds carefully.
“Sometimes our hearts want to go a direction we aren’t supposed to go.
If you can’t accept the truth how can you see where you are heading to? Sometimes we are our own and worst enemy, we have to fight our inner beasts that blind us to move on. It’s necessary to protect what you cherish the most and sometimes letting them go is the only thing we can do for them.
If a seaman could have left his ship in every storm he crosses, do you think someone ever found new shore?”
He tousles through his hair gently, before he hands him his pullover.
“You are a beast too, but even beasts can get chilly and Junho is sure the weather will change today!”
Chansung looks at him in surprise.
“Minjun said the same! Verily Junbros, always seem to have the same kind of talents.” He says happily and doesn’t seem to notice the sorrow in Taecyeons eyes.

Taecyeon has given him his favorite hoodie, the yellow one, with the purple shoe print on it. Yellow would match Wooyoung well he thinks. Because the conversation with Taecyeon went to an uncomfortable topic Chansung isn’t ready to face yet. It let him leave the room in a rush and he forgets to bring the promised wearing with him. He doesn’t really worry about it though, he would be fine for a bit without one, he doesn’t freeze as quick as Wooyoung does anyway.

It has become indeed windy and so Wooyoung, Junho and Chansung found themselves hurling towards the small yet comfy kitchen. Minjun already stands in the small kitchen counter preparing tea for his Dongseangs.
As he waits for the tea to boil his vision wanders to the small steer wheel and Chansung can’t help but admire brave Nichkhun, who manages to play their steersman even in weather like this. It must be terribly boring up their all by himself and Chansung decides that he will bring him some tea and snacks.
He quickly takes the red cup, with the angel wings and the devil horns painted on it, Nichkhuns cup, to pour the finally heated water in.
“Thank you Minjun.”
He says as he grabs the plate and the cup, too caught up in his intends that he doesn’t feel the change of discomfort in the room. The door closes behind his back and he misses the look of hurt Junho shares with Wooyoung.

By the time Chansung comes back, Junho sits alone on his usual spot. Busily folding paper between his fingers, he is so absorbed in his precise doings that he doesn’t notice Chansung right away. Only when he sneaks closer and curiously peaks over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of what the same aged boy was doing.
“Oh Chansung, do you want to join?"
He suggests cheerfully and points at the drawing pad and the crayons.
“You can decide paper boat or message bottle?
I am going for paper boats, so you do the message bottle okay?”
So much for having a choice, but it’s impossible to reason with someone who has a bewitching eye smile. Besides he doesn’t really care anyway.

It doesn’t take very long for him to find an empty wine bottle, of course not. He has seen the evidences of someone drinking wine quite often lately. He suspects Taecyeon, he always enjoyed drinking liquid. Though he usually was more the social type and drinking alone doesn’t really suit him. But he figures that he probably just wants to be alone with his thoughts for once or hasn’t found the right company since Nichkhun has stopped drinking alcohol since the DUI incident.
Not long after he sits comfortably next to Junho he finds himself in front of an empty paper and strangely feels drawn into the sight of the white sheet.
It’s a perfect image of his mind, blank and dull as if some puzzles are missing.
Suddenly he has the urge to take the black pencil and screw it.
Nothing is innocently white and perfect like this, most notably not him.
His thoughts are racing around and he feels sick just trying to reach out for them. No his mind isn’t peaceful and empty like that paper, and it is a big lie he makes himself believe. He just blocks out the ugly black strains.
Despite to his frantic thoughts he quietly asks.
“What do I write?”
“I don’t know …
Something you want to write?”
Junho always has been a terrible in disguising his annoyance.
“What do people usually write in drifting bottles?”
“Treasure maps of course!”
The quick change from frustration to excitement comes to no-surprise to Chansung, Junho always has liked things that promises adventure, or were in some sorts magical.
“Did you know the Egyptians believed that the Nile was the road between the other-world and life?
But you know if you want to write someone on the other side, you just have to make it float over there. Like a paper boat or a message bottle, because they magically find their way to netherworld.
That’s why the Japanese make those boats, lighting them up with candles and messages written on the lantern paper. It’s for their deceased ones and to remember them. Only the tides knows where the entrance is, a living person can never find it Chansung. Even if he tries very hard to.”
“Oh …”
Sadness washes over him and suddenly he feels sick. He always has been the most sensitive but he still thinks his body is a bit overreacting. Sure no one should have to think about contacting deceaseds who weren’t supposed to be dead but what bothers him the most is his own inner misery.
He wants to scream and smash the bottle away, see it shatter like his heart. But he keeps his calm because he doesn’t want to worry Junho.

He ends in writing nothing at all instead he fills the body of the bottle with candies. When Junho questions his doings he bluntly answers:
“I think what I would miss the most would be the small things you regularly do. I bet they are very eager to get a taste of their favorite sweets again. Since they may get hungry too, and who knows what they get to eat …”

They went on deck together, but almost crash into Minjun who comes across the corner.
“CAREFUL!” Chansung yells and glares at the older warily.
He doesn’t really understand his own panic, but probably because if they had bounced into each other one might have lost his balance. 
He has foreseen it, a ship is way too dangerous …
It wasn’t a good idea in the first place, sailing along the pacific counter is almost as if they had considered doing a mass suicide together. Though he doesn’t mind to face death if they face it together. Together they were strong and save …
But it scares him that he knows that something is about to break apart. The way the others are tip toing around him confirms it.
Chansung wishes he could cling on to them, holding their hands as tightly as possible but he fears not to reach them anymore.
Maybe he is just being overly protective and ridiculous but the dread that caught his breath hasn’t been out of his own imaginations, right?
“You almost run Junho over Minjun. Be more careful please?”
His voice is still shaking but he manages to speak without cracking it.
Junho on the other side was bowing weirdly into the slight wrong direction. And mumbled his apology, and Minjun does the same.
“Thank you …”
Junho says with a smile which never reaches his eyes.
It must have been the shock, yes the shock must have made him that pale and alarmed.

Chansung always loves to spend the sunsets with Nichkhun, because if he climbs up on the roofing of the steer wheel cabin he would have the best view.
The paper boats and the message bottle are long gone, disappeared between the shadows of the never silent and endlessly moving waves. As if the darkness has swallowed them and maybe, just maybe, Junho was right and they really do reach the netherworld.
Maybe they sunk? Maybe the other world entrance is in the deepest parts of the ocean?
“Why are you angry at Minjun?”
Nichkhuns mellow voice is a beautiful contrast to the suppressed quietness of the night.
“I don’t know, his eyes, his eyes are weird, they keep making me uneasy …
They are not like our eyes …”
Nichkhun exhales deeply and soundly.
“I see….”
He slings an arm around Chansung, kisses his forehead.
“I am afraid Khun, it’s like I am supposed to know something… like I should remember but I can’t and … don’t want to remember…”
Nichkhun nods kenning.
“You know we love you right?”
Nichkhun’s composure and his melodious smoothing voice never fails to sooth his inner turmoil.
He is like the dawn Chansung thinks, warm and calm like the sunset, but sometimes impenetrably cold and obscure almost charming if not even stunning like a clear night with the breathtaking view of a starry sky.
He just needed to be next to him and Chansung feels secure.
“And you know he loves you, he loves you very very much Chansungie.”
He starts to say something else but decides differently, shaking his head instead. It doesn’t need words to enjoy each other, but they are a lot of implicit words which ponder to be spoken but all of Chansungs attempts to reach them end in the same chaos of nothing in particularly. He begs Nichkhun to hum Beethoven’s Moonlight sonata because the longing of the song consoles him and he feels just a little bit closer in his search for answers he doesn’t want to find. He desires to hear him play it, but since they don't have the space for a piano on board, humming comes close enough.
When Nichkhun ends he softly pushes Chansung towards the ladder while uttering.
“It’s late Chanie-ah before you fall asleep here go to bed,”
he pauses for a second before he continues with a hint of melancholy.
“And tell him that we love him okay?”
“Tell him yourself!”
Chansung purses his lips, and Nichkhun just smiles his beautiful yet very afflicted and knowing smile.
“I will, as soon as I get the chance to.”
The words never reach Chansung, remaining unheard.

Chansung dislikes sleeping, sleeping means giving up control, not being able to protect.
Minjun sleeps with him and regardless he still is upset and a bit uncomfortable he is glad about the company. Even though his icy breathe tickles his neck and makes him Goosebumps. Chansung doesn’t complain because the nose that nuzzles against his skin feels familiar and protecting.
“Hyung, do you think they eat enough … they barely eat lately…”
Minjun tiredly moves his head stiffly.
“They are just worried about you.”
Suddenly there is such a heaviness in the air that makes the silence unbearable.
“Minjun … promise you will not leave me …”
The tension spreads and soon enough Chansung shifts uncomfortably, jittery back and forth. Not enduring Chansung’s fidgeting long Minjun pulls him closer. Trying to placate the mayhem and spend him some warm and safety but the only thing Chansung feels is the cold which gnaws inexorably on him.
“Never ever… sleep now.”
The older one whispers and tightens his embrace, fully aware that this will be another long sleepless night.

“We have to tell him”
Nichkhun whispers only to meet the puffy eyes of Wooyoung, apparently he has cried before their meeting.
“No, not yet …"
"I’m not quite ready yet either.”
Wooyoung mumbles, glancing towards Junho in the hope to find some countenance from him. But the younger just stares at him preoccupy leading the usually cheerful visual Maknae to continue.
“Beside I like having him around for a bit longer even if it’s just for one more day.“
He sounds drained but the serenity in his words seems to have reached Taecyeon.
“Khun, it kills me not being able to help him. But we can’t force him and I’m sure he will find out eventually.”
Junho snorts at the irony of his word but Taecyeon chooses to ignore it.
The rumbling of thunder could be heard from afar. Somewhere behind them, in waters they have already crossed/passed (passt beides), storm clouds assemble. But the ship is already too far away to be reached.    
“As far as I remember, you have said that quite often!”
Junho spits, upset because no one except Wooyoung has really paid attention to him.
“Please just one more day …”
Wooyoung pleads and this time Junho takes his side because Wooyoung hasn’t unheeded him.
“One more day.”
Outnumbered, Nichkhun finally caves in.

The next day seems to be as far away as shore. Chansung could tell because not a single seagull dares to company the boat for days or even weeks?
As the sun finally rises, there is no heartwarming bird song to welcome the morning but instead a heart tearing sound of howls.

“Wooyoung?! Wooyoung where are you?!”

Barely audible between the sobs. Chansung searches in every corner Wooyoung used to like to be at. Often he stumps into something because his vision is completely blurred.
“I’m here Channie, right next to you!”
Wooyoung tries his best to sound calm and comforting though he is just as confused. But the longer as Chansungs search goes on, the more terrified he gets. He even waves his hands frantically in front of Chansung’s face but the hoped reaction fails to appear. Broken and the end of his wisdom he just weeps along with him following his every step.

“He is here Chansung, can’t you see him? There is his cup and look his favorite hat and his jacket, he wouldn’t let those things behind, would he?”
Minjun places the yellow cup with the cute chicken footprints on it in front of Chansung.
“See he already drunk almost half of his coffee.”
He can’t believe that Chansung finally seems to show some healthy reaction, he is persuading him back into this insanity. But Minjun never saw a breakdown in his life before, but he is pretty sure it doesn’t look half as horrible as Chansung does at the moment.
He feels guilty because isn’t it exactly what he has whished for?
How often has he even prayed, he could speak openly about the happenings?
Hearing the names of their beloved ones again and again as if they are here, is incredibly painful for his own grieving heart. There even was a point when he so desperately wants to believe Chansung. But it doesn’t really matter anyway. As long as Chansung hasn’t lost that last glimmer of hope in his eyes, he keeps on smiling he would have been able to bear anything.
Hiding him on sea, to take him away from the judging society. The harsh destroying headlines: “2PM car accident.” And worst the hateful comments of netizen: “Of course, Nichkhun was driving...”
He has to protect him, not only because he knows the others would have done the same, but also because Chansung is all he has left. He already is so vulnerable he just could tell he wouldn’t be able to endure the harsh reality, let alone survive.
Shielding him from the truth meant constantly picking up favorite items and clothes of his missing brothers. He understands it though, even he could still see Wooyoung wearing his hat, Nichkhun biting absentmindedly on his sweets, Taecyeon drawing a new version of Okcat and Junho playing on his new iPad. Things that held their memories onto them, but Chansung even speaks with them. Lends Wooyoung his clothes because he doesn’t want him to catch a cold, apologizes when he forgets to shut of the light because Junho would nag, flinching from an attack he assumes from Taecyeon which never comes and admires Nichkhun’s perfection. He plays along an all perfect act to defend Chansungs small ideal world. Seeing him like this, shattered under the weight of his own nightmares, just like a fading candle light, he feared he might lose him too. He curses himself for being so selfish, he loves Chansung regardless his mental health. Beside what does ‘normal’ mean anyway? Is it worth to be considered as normal if you have to face endless agony instead? All Minjun wants is a happy Chansung and if he could only be in his craziness than he would be the guard keeping him save and be his sanity.

“He isn’t here anymore! I can’t see him!”
Chansung yells but he isn’t angry no he is just lost.
“Why can’t you see me anymore?”
Wooyoung whispers exhausted, crunching next to the suffering bundle.
“I won’t leave you alone Chansung, I won’t.”

Taecyeon softly trough Wooyoung’s hair.
“Wooyoungie, we knew this day had to come and we had spoken about it so often.
We have to let him go…”
But Wooyoung shook his head.
“Not yet Taecyeon, he needs me!”
He tugs Wooyoung into a tight hug and away from their former Maknae, feeling the lump in his throat tightens as he says.
“No Wooyoung, he needs to live again.”
Nichkhun who stands on the other side of Chansung just nods weakly. He aims to ruffle Chansungs hair one last time, but his hand slips through Chansung and it feels weird and it looks horrible and so he pulls back quickly.
“He did it … he will be alright …”
Nichkhun searches for any sign of Minjun, but as always can’t see him. After all the living can’t see the dead, and the dead couldn’t see the living - only if they are close to death.
Now that Chansung slowly becomes transparent too, he knows he finally decided to move on. But farewells are always painful even though they actually had plenty of time. Facing it still felt too early and unfair because they don’t get the chance to say their goodbyes properly. As their oldest he feels responsible and the need to be strong for all of them. Beside it isn’t a farewell forever, just for a little while.

Junho has watched the whole scenario silently from afar.
“Don’t forget to write me … “
He sniffles, pressing the only paper boat Chansung has folded yesterday onto his chest and candies stuffed in his pockets.
“Even if it’s just sweets …Pabo!”
He pouts before sighting deeply.
“Okay boys enough with the weeping! Let’s go … search for the … light?”
Taecyeon stood up, holding Wooyoung’s hand thightly in his own, as tight as Chansung wishes to have had hold them, making sure not to lose him.
“It’s time to go…”

Once there was a paper boat, drifting in between the endless darkness of the deepest ocean. Built of tears and sorrow, full of agony and danger. Where everything you see is just another illusion trying to lurk you to a false comfort. Where even an invisible brave crew wasn’t enough to stand their chance against the monster's reality creates. But as long as one of them is still standing brave, sailing against the cold wind formed of perfect lies. The hope and dream of the past on comrades will carry on his boat... and one day it will reach shore again.

It’s a hot summer day, and a dead calm sea, the sight remembers him at Wooyoung’s eyes, the salty breeze at Taecyeon’s scent, the skittish dancing waves at Junho, and the today early raising moon on Nichkhun’s calm and he wonders if they have always been a beautiful illusion.

warning There is an epilogue for rational readers and the ones who like to guess. It's not necessary for the story though and can manipulate the image of the first chapter!