。Twelve Chances
❄ seoulitudes reviews ;; finishing requests
TITLE: Twelve Chances
AUTHOR: MamaShrimp
REVIEWED BY: pcyans
AUTHOR: MamaShrimp
REVIEWED BY: pcyans
Title: (4/5)
My first impression was that it probably was going to be another EXO story, since the word twelve could be easily associated with EXO, so basically you could have attracted a lot of EXO readers (and you know how many there are). This is the only story with this title, though, but I don’t think I find that twelve much of an eye-catcher since it’s just going to be like “Oh, another EXO story”.
Description + Foreword: (5/5)
You don’t have a foreword, but the description was really well written! It made me want to read on with the story because I wonder, from those twelve chances, would make her experience puppy love, first love, etc. You could really feel the romance in here, and you could already grasp the idea of the story.
Appearance:: (4.5/5)
Nature Republic themed I see. Well, I do say the colors and basically the theme in general fit to have that romance feel. I’m just concerned with the color of the shirt the girl in the poster has, which is black, and well, I have to say it looks a bit awkward since she’s the only dark vibe-ish thing in the poster.
Plot + Originality:: (18.5/20)
I like the idea of going through the story on who exactly is Joohee’s grandfather, considering that there are 12 members in EXO and there’s only a 1/12 chance that one of them is, so there are lots of possibilities and predictions the readers would come up with, and they have to go through with your story to find out who the grandfather is. This is what I find original.
The second present day scene seems like it doesn't have a connection with Haemi’s past. I was expecting Joohee to at least ask a question about the member(s) she was talking about in her story.
I was a bit hanging with the sudden change of setting between Chapter 3 and Chapter 4. There could have been some more happenings that took place after the setting at the end of Chapter 3. But at least you placed a note that such should really be like that, and is to be explained soon (found in Chapter 5).
The connections of EXO to Haemi are just amazing. From these, you really won’t know who would be the grandfather. The chapter titles are so fitting and cute as well.
I read your author’s note that some readers think that the story is similar to How I Met Your Mother. After reading that, it really did just came to me that it does. But I’m going to base originality on AFF, solely, so no worries.
The second present day scene seems like it doesn't have a connection with Haemi’s past. I was expecting Joohee to at least ask a question about the member(s) she was talking about in her story.
I was a bit hanging with the sudden change of setting between Chapter 3 and Chapter 4. There could have been some more happenings that took place after the setting at the end of Chapter 3. But at least you placed a note that such should really be like that, and is to be explained soon (found in Chapter 5).
The connections of EXO to Haemi are just amazing. From these, you really won’t know who would be the grandfather. The chapter titles are so fitting and cute as well.
I read your author’s note that some readers think that the story is similar to How I Met Your Mother. After reading that, it really did just came to me that it does. But I’m going to base originality on AFF, solely, so no worries.
Does Joohee know the name of her grandfather? She would have known that it wasn't or was the one Haemi already mentioned if she did.
Flow: (8/10)
You let readers know that there was a scene shift with those branches with hearts on them, and that’s good.
In Chapter 2 (Growl), the setting with Kyungsoo and the setting with Baekhyun and Suho are present. Kyungsoo’s setting was short for this chapter, so I think that you can still include this setting in the first chapter. I was taken back a bit because of this, because there was a sudden shift of setting.
Like what I said about Chapter 3 and Chapter 4, the transition seems sudden.
The changes of settings in Chapter 5 got me confused, and I had to reread it again to fully grasp it.
In Chapter 2 (Growl), the setting with Kyungsoo and the setting with Baekhyun and Suho are present. Kyungsoo’s setting was short for this chapter, so I think that you can still include this setting in the first chapter. I was taken back a bit because of this, because there was a sudden shift of setting.
Like what I said about Chapter 3 and Chapter 4, the transition seems sudden.
The changes of settings in Chapter 5 got me confused, and I had to reread it again to fully grasp it.
Characters: (9/10)
There was this part where Suho asked Haemi if she’s okay and then suddenly, he wanted to ask her out. If you ask me, this part seems a bit awkward. You could put a little more detail on how Suho would react to Haemi’s answer (her nod). Well, from what I’ve understood, it’s like “Are you okay? Oh wait, do you want to go out with me?” and that seems so sudden, as well.
Sort of a personal comment, but I kind of like that part where Baekhyun called Haemi “HAM-mi” lmao.
Haemi called Mr. Wu (supposedly) as Kris. It was a sudden informality.
I’m just wondering why Haemi wanted to play the piano. I could have missed something.
Now the thing about having a story with an OT12 in it was that how could an author come up with different and individual recognizable roles for each member. I mean, there are 12 members in EXO, and that’s really some challenge to come up with. Apparently, you really seemed to let the members have distinct roles: some may not be as major as the others, but still. I applaud you for that.
Sort of a personal comment, but I kind of like that part where Baekhyun called Haemi “HAM-mi” lmao.
Haemi called Mr. Wu (supposedly) as Kris. It was a sudden informality.
I’m just wondering why Haemi wanted to play the piano. I could have missed something.
Now the thing about having a story with an OT12 in it was that how could an author come up with different and individual recognizable roles for each member. I mean, there are 12 members in EXO, and that’s really some challenge to come up with. Apparently, you really seemed to let the members have distinct roles: some may not be as major as the others, but still. I applaud you for that.
Writing Style: (7.5/10)
I’m concerned on how you seem to make a new line break at every sentence. The convention usually doesn’t go with that, and sentences that seem related to each other are placed next to each other.
As what I’ve mentioned in the flow, it’s good that you change the structures between the past and the present, but instead of putting that present in the center in Chapter 1, just leave it to the left/justify and maybe change the font style.
There was one part wherein you put the Korean word for grandmother (halmoni, but in here you spelled it as harmonee). My concern here is that, well, sure there are lots of K-Pop fans who would want to learn the Korean language, but at the same time, not all would want to, so they might ask what a “harmonee” is. Avoid putting Korean words.
Other than those, the sentences were we constructed and could be easily understood.
As what I’ve mentioned in the flow, it’s good that you change the structures between the past and the present, but instead of putting that present in the center in Chapter 1, just leave it to the left/justify and maybe change the font style.
There was one part wherein you put the Korean word for grandmother (halmoni, but in here you spelled it as harmonee). My concern here is that, well, sure there are lots of K-Pop fans who would want to learn the Korean language, but at the same time, not all would want to, so they might ask what a “harmonee” is. Avoid putting Korean words.
Other than those, the sentences were we constructed and could be easily understood.
Grammar + Spelling: (14.5/15)
Here are your only errors.
"Are you finished building your castle?" – This actually sounds awkward. A more appropriate way to write this is “Have you finished building your castle?”
“Suho swiftly grab my books out of Baekyhyun's hands.” – Unless that’s what she’d call Baekhyun, I think that’s a typo.
"Are you finished building your castle?" – This actually sounds awkward. A more appropriate way to write this is “Have you finished building your castle?”
“Suho swiftly grab my books out of Baekyhyun's hands.” – Unless that’s what she’d call Baekhyun, I think that’s a typo.
Enjoyment: (4/5)
With the way your paragraphs are structured and how the changes of setting took place, I can’t really take in every detail, but I really enjoyed the connections behind each member, and also the question still hanging like who's really the grandfather.
(75/85) = 88.24%
seoulitudes
thanks for requesting!!
thanks for requesting!!
Comments