A few days had past ever since the incident and although life went on as always for the rest of the world, for Byun Baekhyun, nothing ever felt more wrong.

Sure he still went to school, paid attention in all his classes and went home to do his homework (and rinsed and repeated that routine), but all those times in between that used to fill the empty cracks of his life seemed to disappear overnight, silently but completely.

It wasn’t the same walking to school if Jongin wasn’t there in step beside him, trying futile attempts to lay his head on the elder’s shoulder, only to be pushed off and chastised to “just go to bed earlier one of these days”. It wasn’t the same eating lunch at their usual table in the corner with the gang if one of the members was MIA, opting now to sit on the opposite side of the cafeteria with a group of his dance buddies and currently smiling due to a certain lanky boy named Oh Sehun. Baekhyun couldn’t help but scowl unconsciously and proceed to stab at his garden salad a little more violently, never taking his eyes off the newfound, ever-so-friendly duo.

“Hey there! I think that tomato’s been murdered just about three times already with the amount of times you’ve been stabbing it,” Jongdae clucked his tongue as he quirked his eyebrow down to where Baekhyun had been all but mutilating said vegetable in his disgruntled state. The droopy-eyed boy glanced down quickly at his meal before setting an even bigger scowl on his face and pushing it aside.

“I don’t think I’m hungry anymore.”

Yixing and Jongdae shared a quick worrying glance along with Junmyeon who had recently joined their small table after being introduced to the other two and hitting it off really well. The three turned back towards the sulking boy and Yixing reached out a tentative hand, placing it gently on Baekhyun’s shoulder. “Baekhyun… don’t you think it’s about time you told us about what happened between you and Jongin?”

“Yeah,” Jongdae mumbled in agreement while flipping his black floppy bangs and blatantly stealing a French fry from Junmyeon’s unprotected plate, “you guys were never more than five feet apart at a time. I can’t believe I can actually sit here and stomach my lunch without the urge to throw up at your the gross lovey-doveyness. What is this, trouble in paradise?” But at the lack of response from Baekhyun who simply sat slumped in his seat and refused to make eye contact with any of them, Jongdae couldn’t help but curl the corner of his lip into his signature cat-like smirk while glancing over at where Jongin was punching the Sehun kid lightly on the arm. “Well you better do something about this if you’re that miserable since Jongin seems to be doing just fine over there.”

Baekhyun sighed, willing himself to brush off his friend’s verbal jab since the other didn’t know any better and it was his own fault really, for leaving all the others in the dark for so long. Baekhyun excused himself from the table and dumped his salad in the garbage can at the door.

But still, Jongin seemed to be doing just fine?

As if that was something he couldn’t see for himself.

-

This simple routine continued itself for the better part of the week and as much as Baekhyun could’ve or wanted to talk to Jongin, he didn’t.

Except to be fair, neither of them did.

After that particular night, neither of the boys had made the effort to contact the other whatsoever; there were no more texts or calls and even if they were to pass each other in the hallways or catch a glimpse of the other across the room, one of the two would eventually turn their heads and look the other way, pretending that the problem didn’t exist. Or perhaps they were trying to pretend the other didn’t exist, since that solution seemed much more effective in the short run. But for whatever reason, even if he knew the more time that passed, the bigger their rift would become, Baekhyun couldn’t find the strength within him to make the first move.

What would he even say if he did approach his boyfriend? Best friend? What were they anymore? How could Baekhyun have the audacity to look for a reconciliation when he knew that he could never take back the words he said that day, not because he didn’t feel remorse for acting so rashly, but because he knew if he did, he would be lying to not only Jongin, but also himself. As painful as it had felt, as undesirable as the result had ended up, Baekhyun had spoken with his true heart and there was no going back once everything was laid out. His feelings were and still are a complete and utter mess and the problem he caused as a result had grown far too large to the point where he was left perplexed how to even try looking for a way to tackle it.

So Baekhyun, feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed by the crushing distance he had created, froze over, unsure how to proceed even one step. All he could do was watch Jongin from afar, from a view he had never experienced before as the other laughed and talked and continued living despite having separated from the elder just a short while ago.

For the very first time, an ominous feeling began to creep up from inside Baekhyun, silently growing in the darkness and latching at his lungs and his heart until he swore one of these days he was going to suffocate.

The feeling was none other than fear. And for the very first time, Baekhyun wondered if his place in his best friend’s life was not as permanent as he had thought. For the very first time, Baekhyun felt the fear of never again holding the same place he always had in Jongin’s life.

Baekhyun felt the fear of being forgotten, replaced and… left behind.

-

Christmas break was just around the corner and the air seemed to be filled with a low excited buzz, as people were both consciously and unconsciously anticipating their much needed break for the holiday. Baekhyun was standing at his locker at the end of a long day, packing his bags and making sure to bundle up warmly in his red scarf and matching mittens since the snow had been coming down relentlessly for the past few days, covering everything in sight in a thick, cushiony layer of white powder.

Of course the weather made the commute to and from school a little inconvenient, as the lone boy had to take nearly double the time watching his step not to slip and wipe out on the ice (unlike all the previous years he could remember where he could plow forward, knowing a certain someone had his back). However, if it were any consolation, at least all the precipitation meant that they’d have a white Christmas this year. And at that thought, a lump started to form in Baekhyun’s throat and he shook his head in vain to clear those thoughts away. Up until now, every year it was a no brainer that either he’d be spending the holiday at his best friend’s house or vice versa, but this year… there was only uncertainty. Baekhyun quickly grabbed his backpack off the hook and threw his locker door shut. He was about to turn on his heel and march out of the building when a certain voice broke through the hushed murmurings of the hallway and stopped him in his tracks.

“So I know we ask you every year and you never come, but are you coming to Minseok’s Christmas party this year?” Oh Sehun.

“Oh, no, I’m gonna skip out again.” Baekhyun’s heart stopped. Kim Jongin. The smaller boy tightened his grip on the straps of his bag, not daring to turn around but also unable to walk away. His friend’s last four words seemed to restart his heart again and it was now beating frantically in anticipation.

“Aww man, alright. Are you going to do something with Baekhyun again or—er, I mean I thought you guys were—sorry, uh…” And if this were any other time, Baekhyun would have snorted at the tall, blonde dancer’s lack of eloquence, but now all Baekhyun could focus on was waiting for the other boy’s reply. A few long moments of silence passed before Jongin responded with his low, soothing voice, carefully collected.

“Don’t worry,” Jongin paused again, “I’m… going away with my family this year for the whole break.”

“Oh seriously? ‘Kay, well have fun, man.”

“Yeah, thanks.” And with that, Baekhyun heard the two starting to part ways. One pair of footsteps faded away, but another only seemed to get louder and closer, heading his direction. Baekhyun held his breath and tried to sidestep ever so slightly towards the wall of lockers, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible as he heard the person quickly approach and brush past as if they hadn’t noticed his presence at all.

Baekhyun lifted his head from his spot only to see the familiar backside of his best friend sauntering on ahead. Jongin might have not shown any acknowledgement of his presence, but Baekhyun knew that there was definitely no way he hadn’t noticed him.  There was no way that Jongin had not recognized his red scarf he had been wearing ever since eighth grade, or his blue backpack with the lame cow keychain given to him by an old friend, attached to the zipper. Baekhyun didn’t know why his eyes started to sting as they clouded over with growing tears and he didn’t know just what came over him all of a sudden, but as he watched Jongin walking away, farther and farther with each step, Baekhyun called out, hoping that it wasn’t too late to reach him. “K-Kim Jongin!”

At the shout of his name, the taller stopped and turned around, lips parted slightly in surprise as he watched Baekhyun’s bundled up figure make his way towards him. “Baek,” Jongin breathed once they were face to face, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“Jongin…” The elder replied, not entirely sure what he was planning to say next.

“What do you want?” Baekhyun blinked up and when he met Jongin’s eyes, he saw that they were dark and guarded, a look he had never been on the receiving end of before and it made his heart throb.

“Y-you hang out with Sehun a lot now,” and that definitely was not what Baekhyun wanted to open with but he just couldn’t help himself.

“I guess so,” Jongin replied simply.

“I mean, more than you usually do… more than you hang out with everyone else now and more than you hang out with… me—“

“Stop Baekhyun,” Jongin snapped, causing Baekhyun to flinch visibly under all his layers. And at once, at Baekhyun’s distraught expression, Jongin seemed to soften significantly, lifting one hand to card through his chocolate coloured hair and letting out a defeated sounding sigh. “Look… don’t you think you’re being a bit unfair? We haven’t talked in weeks and this, this, is the first thing you have to say to me?”

Baekhyun was at a loss for words, knowing very well how ridiculous he was being—had been all along. “I’m—I’m sorry.”

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” The mask Jongin had tried to wear at first completely melted away, leaving him exposed as clear as day. All the raw emotion—all the pain, frustration and longing that were laced into Jongin’s true voice made Baekhyun want to flinch all over again but instead, he gathered his wits and tried his best to remain strong. Baekhyun bit his lip and shook his head. It was true he might have needed some time, it was true he might have needed some space, and for that, Jongin was correct. But if there was one thing he never wanted, it was to lose Jongin—he never wanted to lose his best friend. But it felt as if the block of ice in his palm had melted away and was now slipping through the cracks of his fingers, dripping out of his grasp and collecting into a puddle that could never be whole again.

This was never what he wanted.

Both boys were thankful that mostly everybody had already left the school, leaving the two alone in privacy since they were both such a mess. Jongin was the one who reached out first, placing his hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder and giving the elder the fondest look he could manage given their situation. “Look Baekhyun, there’s nothing going on between me and Sehun if that’s what you were implying before. The way I feel about you… my feelings for you—they’re still the same.” The elder remained silent, which Jongin took as a signal to go on, “but despite that, despite me… loving you, I’m not that good of a person, you know? I couldn’t pretend that everything was okay and that it didn’t hurt every time I had to stay by your side, knowing that what I felt and what you felt weren’t the same. I couldn’t—I can’t do it. I love you but it’s too hard. I love you and I don’t want to hurt you but that’s all I seem to be doing and—I can’t do this, it’s too hard. I’m sorry…”

“No, Jongin, no…” Baekhyun reached out frantically, hands desperately trying to find purchase on whatever of Jongin’s he could get. Baekhyun felt the tears behind his lids finally breaking through and streaming down his cheeks as he clutched feebly at the front of Jongin’s thick, olive coat. He wanted to tell his best friend so many things. He wanted to tell him that he was the one who was sorry, that he never wanted to hurt him and that everything between them was only hard because of him. But none of these ever made it past his lips however, no matter how hard his throat strained and all the shorter boy could do was shake his head as he murmured incoherently into Jongin’s chest. Baekhyun felt two hands grasp his wrists to gently pry them off and away, pushing his frame away slowly so that the two boys stood an arms length apart. Jongin’s eyes became unreadable once again, having taken that short opportunity to collect himself and decide what he was about to say next.

“So Baekhyun, I think that we should spend some real time apart.” The elder’s eyes widened, “this winter break I’m going to be going to Jeju with my family. I mean I was going to invite you too if that didn’t—well the point is, I’ll be gone the whole two weeks… I think it’s best if we don’t contact each other. I think we both need some time to ourselves to think. How’s that?”

The tone Jongin used was so earnest that Baekhyun could do nothing more but nod his head, trying to blink away the last of his tears. “Y-yeah.”

Jongin made a small noise at the back of his throat, “o-okay then. Bye… Baek,” And with that, Baekhyun felt Jongin drop his grip, turn and walk away, back towards the direction he had been going before the elder had stopped him.

-

At this point, Baekhyun started wondering why he had agreed with Jongin’s request. The holiday had started and as expected, he hadn’t heard a word from the younger ever since that day they talked after school. The other said he was going to Jeju but for all Baekhyun knew, he could be on his way to London to go watch one of those soccer games of that team he’d been obsessing over since forever (Baekhyun always ended up zoning Jongin out, to be honest, whenever he went on and on about them), it’s not like Baekhyun would ever know.

Baekhyun’s parent also probably noticed something was up between the two of them but with the way Baekhyun had been holing himself up in his room for the past three days straight, they figured now was not the right time to ask. And for that, Baekhyun was eternally grateful.

The boy was about to roll over in his bed and try to take another nap when his phone suddenly lit up, catching his attention. Baekhyun grabbed a hold of the device, rolled over to hold it above him and checked the screen for a new text message from Junmyeon.

Hey Baekhyun! Just reminding you we agreed to meet up today at the library to finish up the project.

I figured you would’ve forgot ><

We’re almost done!! See you at 2!

Baekhyun groaned and let his phone drop from his hands and smack into his face. Yep, he had indeed forgotten about today and the whole damn project to be honest. With another groan, Baekhyun rose from his bed, noticing how sore his body was from lack of activity these past few days. Glancing into a mirror, he also realized he hadn’t showered recently either, and that his hair was definitely a bird’s nest. But he just shrugged.

No one would notice, right?

-

“You look like a mess.”

“Thanks, Junmyeon.”

“No problem,” the blonde haired boy replied back, eyeing his partner skeptically but commenting no further. In front of them, a whole array of craft supplies and coloured paper were spread out since they were now at the stage of making the visual component, deciding to use a simple display board with all their information cut and pasted onto it.

After about thirty minutes of pure silence (other than the sound of paper being cut), and the occasional sigh from Baekhyun, Junmyeon had just about enough. Ever since Baekhyun had arrived, it was as if a dark cloud had descended over them and their table and it was becoming increasingly suffocating just how much misery the other boy was unconsciously emanating. But Junmyeon couldn’t blame him. No, in fact, it was the opposite.

To the others, it probably looked like just a lover’s spat that would resolve itself eventually if they let them be, but it was completely obvious to Junmyeon that whatever had occurred was far deeper and more complicated than at first glance. Of course he didn’t know the details, but he was there on that day at the restaurant and he witnessed all the hurt and confusion that were in both boys’ eyes as the couple stormed off, first hand. He didn’t know what followed, but it was clear that it had been affecting both boys tremendously in a negative way, yet neither of them were doing anything to resolve it. And even though Baekhyun reassured him that it wasn’t his fault in any way, Junmyeon still couldn’t help but feel a lingering guilt regarding the whole situation. It might not have been his entire fault, but his intrusion was still probably a part of it, even if it were a very small part, and for that, he was determined to mend it, even if it was just his small part.

With a sigh, Junmyeon turned to Baekhyun who was still busy working away at his dark end of the table. “So…” the blonde haired boy began rather loudly, only to be shushed by a passing librarian. Junmyeon dipped his head in embarrassment before turning back to the brown haired boy who was now looking at him in amusement. Well that was one way to get his attention. “So Baekhyun, let’s do a bit of review.”

“Huh?” Baekhyun replied, suddenly not so amused anymore. He turned his focus back onto his hands, still working on cutting out his selected paragraph from the sheet of white paper.

“Why did World War one start?”

“Uh, wasn’t it mainly because of that guy—what’s his name—oh yeah, Franz Ferdinand got assassinated?”

“Hmmm,” Junmyeon hummed, eyes trained back onto his own sheet of paper, cutting out all the rough edges, “well, that’s only a small event compared to the grand scheme of things, you know? Even before, there were a lot of underlying reasons that built up over time like the miscommunication between the nations.”

Baekhyun nodded, “with all their secret treaties and lack of information at that time—“

“—It was only natural that they’d feel anxious since there was no telling what the other was feeling or doing,” Junmyeon affirmed, the corner of his lips turning down ever so slightly. “And as a result, everyone began building up their defenses in case of attack to the point that if one day there were to be a reason, a trigger, they would snap. Of course that’s what led to the assassination, aka the event.” Junmyeon put down his scissors and leaned back in his seat to stretch, “it wasn’t the event itself, you know? It was the shaky foundation that everything was built upon.” And with a small, humourless chuckle Junmyeon went on, “you know, looking back, I’m sure everything could’ve been prevented easily if all the countries had just been clear and honest with each other from the start.”

“But it’s never that easy. You can only say things like that after you’ve looked back at what’s already happened,” Baekhyun quipped under his breath, half to himself.

“That might be true but sometimes… it’s not too late to go back and fix everything.”

At that, Baekhyun’s hands froze and he finally looked up from his work, only to gaze at Junmyeon’s side profile as the elder seemingly stared off into space, his posture still leaned back in his chair. “It doesn’t sound like we’re just talking about warfare anymore.”

But all the brown haired boy got in reply was a small shrug and a subtle smile that graced the other’s lips.

-

After the meeting, Junmyeon’s words spiraled around Baekhyun’s mind relentlessly, leaving him restless and anxious and unable to remain still in general. It was as if something had sparked within him, making his bones ache and his nerves tingle and he just felt compelled to leap into action at any second, despite not knowing why or how.

“Sometimes… it’s not too late to go back and fix everything.”

Those words continued to linger in the back fragments of Baekhyun’s mind and after another round of droning commercials flashed by on the TV screen in front of him, the boy decided he had had enough.

Leaping up from his seat on the couch, Baekhyun hurried over to the front door, pulling on his thick black coat and calling out that he’d be back by dinner before exiting and slamming the door shut behind him.

He didn’t know where exactly he was going, but Baekhyun figured with the way his body had been buzzing these last few days, it wouldn’t be so bad to let his instincts guide him for once. The weather wasn’t terribly cold, but the sky was overcast in a somber shade of grey and the sound of crisp crunches echoed around him as Baekhyun strode over the relatively untouched snow that was layered over the sidewalk.

Baekhyun glanced around at his surroundings, taking in the sight of all the familiar bends and breaks in the road and all the short cuts through the rows of houses he knew like the back of his hand due to countless childhood escapades with him and Jongin. It wasn’t long before Baekhyun ended up getting lost in all of the memories he had made growing up in this neighbourhood, and before he knew it, the boy found himself at the small park near his home. Honestly, he had almost forgotten about it’s existence, but after taking a long, sweeping glance towards the small playground that lay not far from where he stood, a huge wave of nostalgia washed over him.

Walking up to it, Baekhyun smiled to himself as he circled around, spotting the small shelter under the slide he and Jongin made their secret fort so many years ago, and the set of swings Jongin had pushed him a little to hard on back in grade school, causing him to fall and sprain his ankle.

Baekhyun laughed under his breath. They didn’t talk for a week after that. But eventually, the older boy forgave his friend and all was right again. Childhood was such a simpler time.

Eventually, Baekhyun reached the short fence at the edge of the playground that he remembered Jongin and him doodled on and played around all the time. Crouching down, Baekhyun smiled even wider as he reached out a hand to run over all the silly drawings carved into the faded wood, some still recognizable even today (like that deformed dog in the corner Jongin tried to draw the day after his family first brought Monggu home or the lame ‘J & B BFFs 4ever’ that Baekhyun thought sounded so cool back then). Of course many other markings had worn out over time and became completely undecipherable, but Baekhyun could still vaguely remember putting them there some time or another. However, when he inspected even closer at the wooden canvas, Baekhyun noticed something that he had never seen before.

Unlike all the other carvings, this one was still dark and rough around the edges as if it hadn’t been touched at all by the weathering effects of time—as if it were new. But yet, it still managed to blend in seamlessly with all the others around it as if it had belonged there all long, causing Baekhyun to miss it the first time. Curious, the boy brushed a bit of the snow away from the spot and his breath cut of instantly at the sight. All at once, a flurry of emotions came crashing down on him and he was rendered completely speechless and powerless to the words before him.

J & B BFFs 4ever

J ♡ his Best friend forever

In that moment, Baekhyun’s eyes began to fill with warm tears, his cheeks began to heat up, and his heart started to throb so painful and hot in his chest. In that moment, Baekhyun realized that seasons may change, melting and freezing and flowing in a cycle, but the world around him would forever remain the same place, whether it was covered in snow or flowers. Baekhyun realized that it wasn’t Jongin who changed. No, his best friend had remained the same, even after all these years.

The only one who had changed was himself.

It was him, Baekhyun, who became too overwhelmed by his own thoughts and fears regarding their changes of heart and the unknown that he ultimately forgot the most important thing of all.

Seasons changed, melting and freezing and flowing in a cycle, and love was a lot like that too.

Baekhyun’s life and his feelings weren’t constant, always up and down and flowing with the rhythm of time, but if there was one thing that would forever remain the same, it was Jongin and his presence fitting perfectly within it.

Baekhyun couldn’t say for sure if all the love—the love Jongin had for him and the love that Baekhyun had back for his best friend—would stay the same or change in the future (or perhaps it already had, long before either of them even knew), but he would no longer run away.

Forever was a long time, but spending it together with Jongin was the only world he wanted.

-

Baekhyun and Junmyeon ended up meeting one more time at the end of the first week since they were so extremely close to finally finishing their project; the two boys wanted to get everything done and ready so when the new school term started, they could just practice the actual presentation and just focus on memorizing their lines.

Fortunately, the two students managed to finish all their work and even divided up and assigned which sections they would be in charge of presenting later on.

Right before they parted ways, Junmyeon turned to tap Baekhyun on the shoulder, looking into his eyes sincerely. “Do you know what you have to do now?”

Baekhyun blinked back a few times before he slowly flashed a genuine smile, “yeah, thanks. Everything’s going to turn out just fine.”

And when Junmyeon smiled back, both boys knew the other wasn’t just talking about warfare anymore.

-

Baekhyun knew that he was going against his deal with Jongin of not keeping in contact during the break, but this was something that he absolutely had to do.

With shaky fingers, and a stuttering heart, Baekhyun managed to send his best friend a long message, using his phone, which was filled with everything he wanted to say but never managed to while they were still together.

Baekhyun told him that he was sorry, sorry for everything, and that the other was perfect in every way. Baekhyun was well aware that he was the most pathetic excuse for a human being for driving them apart and that everything was his own fault. It was all on him. But more importantly, he told Jongin that even though he was wrong in the past, at least now he was certain of what he wanted.

At the end of the message, Baekhyun told Jongin that if he still wanted him—if he still wanted to give them a chance—then they would meet at the park, at six o’clock, on the day he came back.

Baekhyun would be waiting.

Of course with all the mistakes he had made, and the pain he had caused, Baekhyun knew in his heart that it was a long shot. But still, he couldn’t’ help himself but to hope.

Baekhyun started to count down the days, resolve strengthening with each one that passed.

-

Baekhyun let out a long exhale.  It was nearing that time of the year, that cusp of melding seasons where winter slowly turned to spring, yet Baekhyun’s breath still lingered in the frost bitten air as a puff of pluming vapour. Honestly, with the temperatures staying below average longer this year than any other he could remember, the small-framed boy was beginning to doubt that spring would ever come at all.

Baekhyun unconsciously pulled his thick, black coat tighter around his shoulders, his slim fingers weary and trembling ever so slightly—maybe it was due to the cold or maybe it was the weight of a thousand internal conflicts finally taking it’s toll on his body. He wasn't sure, and he had no time to care either when his sharp eyes were too occupied scanning frantically over the expanse of the deserted park, looking, searching for just one thing, or rather, person he wanted to see—just one person that he had no idea if he was going to appear anyways.

Perhaps if the weather wasn't so cold… perhaps if spring had only come earlier, the man that he was searching for would already be by his side. For who in their right mind would agree to meet at a park where they could barely feel the tips of their ears anymore with the way the wintry air nipped mercilessly at their skin?

Perhaps if Baekhyun had only known sooner… perhaps if Baekhyun had just realized, he wouldn't be waiting here all alone with his heart in his throat, finding it increasingly more difficult to swallow and breathe as time went on and his desperation only grew.

For who would want someone who threw them away over nothing?

The sun was already beginning to set, and Baekhyun felt his hope disappearing slowly just like the evening light fading behind the horizon. Baekhyun got up from his seat on the park bench and bit his lip as he felt his numb legs wobble ever so slightly under his weight.

It was already seven o’clock, an hour after they were supposed to meet and nothing. No reaction. Was he wrong again then?

With a pathetic shake of his head, and ignoring the way his teeth chattered together at the action, Baekhyun was about to take a step when suddenly, an olive coloured coat was thrown over his shoulders, followed by two strong arms wrapping around his shaking frame and holding the sides of the jacket around him snuggly and securely. Baekhyun could feel the warmth radiating off the other’s coat, seeping through his own jacket, into his bones and heating up his heart in a way that he missed so, so dearly.

All Baekhyun could do was lean into the embrace that engulfed him from the back because whether it was from the arms of a lover who held him with overflowing love and passion, or just a friend who offered him nothing but unconditional support and acceptance, they were Jongin's, and all Baekhyun cared about was the fact that he knew he would melt into them forever.

Author's Note:

Finally

Thank you all for reading~ until next time!! ♡