Senior year started off without a hitch. Although it was going to be their last year in the public education system, and it was probably going to become one of the most monumental times of their lives, the beginning of the term still felt like any other regular school year to say the least. Both Baekhyun and Jongin were staying strong as a couple but were also still the unfortunate, chronic victims of teasing from their Chinese speaking counterparts—except why Jongdae decided to take Chinese class was still beyond Baekhyun’s comprehension, but he secretly suspected it was part of his friend’s master plan to woo their coveted soccer captain, Luhan. Baekhyun wouldn’t put it past him, he really wouldn’t.

Naturally, classes were still a huge drag but fortunately the small group was able to claim back their old lunch table from last year (the one that sat in the small corner but still managed to be the perfect distance away from both the exit and the cafeteria line-up) from all the wandering freshmen and although they didn’t share many classes this time around, they all still made plenty of time to hang out in between breaks or on the weekends when they weren’t bombed with homework or starting early review for their inevitable college exams.

Everything was going completely normal except for the fact that this time around, Baekhyun started noticing something strange—something he never gave a second thought about before.

Perhaps the singer was just being completely paranoid since to any uninvolved bystander, his dancer boyfriend must have looked just fine and dandy by any standards. Maybe it was just Baekhyun’s imagination or maybe he had just taken on the horrible habit of overanalyzing everything, but the elder swore after the new school year started, Jongin began to change.

It was all in the little details—the way the younger’s perpetually hooded eyes seemed to linger longer on his face whenever he laughed at one of Jongdae’s lame jokes; the touches that seemed to stray, tracing all over his frame and were far less in between than in the past. If their hands weren’t intertwined, then Jongin probably had his arm around his boyfriend’s slim waist, or perhaps he would let his head lean against his shoulder for a quick nap in the library or on the bus or really anywhere the found themselves conveniently seated beside each other (curse Jongin and his eternal sleepiness). Baekhyun found his personal bubble of space diminishing rapidly but he couldn't say that he minded. Or at least he supposed he didn't.

Of course over the months the two had gotten together, Baekhyun’s real affection for the other boy had grown considerably. It was nothing out of the ordinary for the shorter boy to be seen nearly everywhere with his dancer counterpart as he had fallen into the habit of depending on him even more than he did before, and confiding with him as the one person he could ultimately trust with his life. Of course Jongin did the same back and he didn’t mind since it was like a natural progression, which came from the unconscious strengthening of their already existing bond. However, with Jongin’s sudden, unprecedented influx of skinship, Baekhyun wasn't sure how to react. His mind told him to reciprocate as it was only the expected reaction, but then again, a bit deeper and darker into his subconscious, Baekhyun couldn't shake off the constant urge biting at him of simply feeling… weird about it.

Come on, this was Jongin they were talking about! The boy who had come running to him crying at age six because his mom wouldn’t let him watch Pororo for the fifth time that day; the boy who was the only one that knew of Baekhyun’s embarrassing habit of belting out Girl’s Generation songs when he was alone in the shower and that it was really him who smashed his mother’s favourite vase when they were kids, not his older brother who he had shamelessly blamed. And regardless if he was labeled as Baekhyun’s boyfriend, the guy was still fundamentally his best friend and it was becoming undeniably clear that it would be impossible to erase that title so easily. Their relationship was built upon years and years of unconditional friendship, melting into something more—not from a daring romance or heart fluttering crushes transforming into a sudden confession, which Baekhyun supposed was the main reason their transition from essentially brothers to lovers was an increasingly difficult concept to wrap his head around.

The best friend Jongin he had always known would never have clung to him like his life depended solely on the shorter’s mere presence; he would never have picked up the habit of insisting he take the elder’s backpack on their way home or holding his heavy textbooks while he escorted his boyfriend to his class on the opposite side of the school from where he was supposed to go. Best friend Jongin would never have dreamed of doing half the things he was doing now and something about that notion phased Baekhyun in ways that gnawed at him insistently whenever he found his mind drifting off about their relationship.

But his boyfriend Jongin was still the same person as his best friend Jongin. There was no difference—there shouldn’t be any difference, but the more and more Baekhyun thought about it, the more he felt this resolve slipping away from him like water through his fingers.

But he couldn’t dwell on these thoughts for too long as a thump against his face broke the boy out of his reverie as he blinked around and realized he had once again walked straight into Jongin’s back, which had stopped right in front of his door. The taller turned his head around, eyes twinkling in knowing amusement as Baekhyun pouted back and swore to himself he would definitely stop letting his mind wander aimlessly and pay attention to where he was going next time.

Hah, as if.

Baekhyun’s small pout soon turned down into a frown as he watched Jongin struggle to unlock his door while shouldering the weight of two backpacks, stumbling ever so slightly as he lost his balance but quickly righted himself again. Stepping forward, Baekhyun reached out a hand and tried to take back his bag, but Jongin just shrugged him off as he held the door open. “It’s ok, just hurry inside,” he insisted, voice straining slightly, and Baekhyun could do nothing but quickly step in before his friend.

A rather loud thud was heard as Jongin immediately dropped the load on his shoulder onto the hard tiled floor, followed by a soft but frantic pitter patter of footsteps running towards their direction. In that moment all of the older boy’s chagrin was lost as he all but threw himself to the ground, arms wide open and a crooked smile weaving its way onto his lips. “Monggu!” Baekhyun cooed as the fluffy brown poodle of Jongin’s waddled it’s way over into his embrace and he stood up, twirling around in a loving circle before stopping and sticking out his tongue at Jongin like the five year old he was.

But unlike the infinite times before, when Jongin would scoff at him and attempt to rescue his beloved dog back from Baekhyun’s clutches like he had expected, the tanner boy simply gave him a long, unreadable look, eyes almost glimmering in a tender, unread emotion before he smiled shyly and stepped around them, making sure to ruffle Monggu’s ears as he brushed past into the kitchen.

To say that Baekhyun was left bewildered was doing a great injustice to the emotion he was currently experiencing.

That was now added onto the list of just one other thing that best friend Jongin would never have done: letting Baekhyun win so easily at anything, even if it was over something so ridiculously trivial. Baekhyun brought his head down to see the puppy nestled in his arms tilting it’s head, staring at where his owner had disappeared to without any of his usual fuss.

The poor little fellow was probably wondering why his fathers weren’t fighting over him to be completely honest.

Deciding it was best to let it slide for now, Baekhyun gently plopped the dog back down onto the floor as he followed behind Jongin’s lead, mentally preparing himself for all the chemistry homework they were about to plough through. It might have been a Friday night, but Baekhyun had no qualms about hounding Jongin out of his summer slump and back into strict academic mode. At the end of the year, he wanted them both to graduate after all.

-

Jongin’s parents weren’t coming home until late that night, and seeing as neither of them could really cook and they were not going to take the risk of burning down the entire kitchen trying, Jongin took the initiative to order some chicken for take out. Again. And Baekhyun wanted to scold him—he really did—but he bit his tongue because by now he was beyond the realm of caring. He already accepted that he needed to get used to it eventually. This was going to be his life from now on.

The couple greatly underestimated just how desperate and hungry balancing chemical equations could make a person, so within a few minutes after their food had arrived, they had already devoured the vast majority of it. Baekhyun messily wiped his mouth with the back of a napkin before he dove back into the container only to feel his hand surprisingly bumping against another set of long fingers. Glancing at the boy beside him and flickering his gaze down to where their hands met, like a reflex, Baekhyun retracted like he had touched fire. They were both reaching for the last drumstick and this was Jongin they were talking about. In their entire history of knowing each other, not once had Baekhyun ever taken the last piece; really, it was like a silly unofficial tradition of theirs.

But in that moment, a sudden surge washed over the elder as he felt a foreign fire burn within his veins. It was incredibly juvenile, he was well aware, and an extremely ridiculous idea but at the same time he knew he had to try it. Baekhyun had to take this moment to test something vital. Fidgeting slightly with the hem of his grey hoodie, Baekhyun cleared his throat and looked up, “U-uh, Jongin?”

The called boy snapped his head up, sending his hair into a brown flurry before he turned over to gaze at his boyfriend in question, “yeah?”

But actually being under his friend’s curious gaze, Baekhyun felt his resolve deteriorating and his cheeks began to burn at the sudden realization just how stupid what he was about to ask was. But nonetheless he had a mission to complete and he was already far too deep to take it back. “I’m—well, I’m still kind of hungry so… can I… maybe get the last piece this time?”

That was a lie. Baekhyun wasn’t hungry. In fact, he could barely take another bite even if he wanted to. He didn't really want it, and in that small moment of thick silence and tense hesitation from the younger beside him, he had almost hoped that his request would be refused. Baekhyun waited for it, he waited for the laugh and the light-hearted taunting and teasing, but when Jongin bit his lip and promptly placed the last drumstick on his plate, Baekhyun couldn't explain why he was so disappointed for getting what he said he had wanted.

-

After that night, Baekhyun did a lot of thinking whenever he could find a moment to himself.

During the day, during school hours, the boy was bombarded constantly with the bickering and crazy antics of his friends, which did nothing to help sort out the uncertainty of his feelings. So it was at nighttime, lying alone in his large bed, staring up at the dark ceiling, that Baekhyun felt relieved to finally be able to rest and let his thoughts race without limit.

Images of the past would fill his mind, running like a movie strip, turning into memories of the present and eventually, visions of his future.

It didn't take very long before Baekhyun was able to recognize the real root of his current predicament. Really, it wouldn't take long for anyone watching them to see it too. It all laid the effort that Jongin was putting into their relationship. He guessed he was just blind, so blind that he was never able to see Jongin blatantly throwing his whole soul and body—sometimes literally—for Baekhyun, just for Baekhyun, anything for Baekhyun.

But instead of a warm and fluttering feeling of adoration spreading through his soul, the fact only upset the singer deeply, making his heart plummet into the depths of his stomach at the heavy realization. A sudden overwhelming feeling gripped tightly against his chest until he could barely breathe anymore. It might have been crippling guilt, anxiety, or maybe a suffocating mixture of both, but comparing himself to his friend, comparing the effort that they both contributed trying to make them work, he was nothing—he did absolutely nothing.

While Jongin had been bending over backwards at his every whim, Baekhyun had continued living the only way he knew.

Baekhyun couldn't help but bite his lip and crumple his blue sheets into his fists as he thought back once again to the previous day’s events.

-

Baekhyun was currently standing in front of his classroom after lunch with Jongin quickly handing him the textbooks that were carefully cradled in his arm. Jongin was going to be late to his own class again, and Baekhyun knew for a fact that one more strike and the younger was going to get a detention and he didn't want to be responsible for that. “Jongin,” he started as he clutched his books close to his chest and stared straight into the taller’s eyes, “stop doing this.”

The frustration was clear in his strong tone, but Jongin made no indication he had heard it, continuing to smile sweetly at his boyfriend though he was shuffling on his feet, probably well aware he wasn't going to make it to his own class, “hmm? Stop what?”

Baekhyun frowned and narrowed his eyes slightly, “stop walking me to class. I’m fine and I don't want to be the reason you get in trouble.” Baekhyun truly tried his best to make his high tone sound convicting but the immediate reply he got was a deep chuckle and he suppressed the urge to stop his foot or chuck his books to the ground. “I’m serious here!” He nearly shouted, only to cower away slightly when he realized that nearly half of the class had heard him and turned to stare. But Jongin only laughed again as he gently leaned forward to cup Baekhyun’s face in his hands and place a kiss against the elder’s forehead.

“You’re cute when you’re mad.”

But it was in that moment that something snapped inside Baekhyun and before he knew it, he was pushing Jongin’s hands away with more force than necessary, “stop that, please just stop. What’s gotten into you, Jongin? Why can’t you just tease me? Make fun of me? Tell me that doing this for me is the stupidest reason you’ve ever gotten detention and later we can laugh about it and things can go back to normal—things don’t have to change and—“

“Baekhyun!” Jongin’s deep voice suddenly cut through the elder’s spluttering, silencing him thoroughly as the younger placed his hands firmly on his boyfriend’s shoulders. The elder flinched unconsciously at the strong grip although he couldn’t say it physically hurt him in any way. Jongin would never do that. Baekhyun dared to look into his friend’s eyes only to regret it from the amount of pure confusion and worry he saw swimming inside. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”

Truth be told, the elder wasn’t even sure what he was saying either and he couldn’t believe he had spewed such nonsense so carelessly. The singer opened and closed his mouth soundlessly a few times, struggling to find any coherent words. “I—“ But before he could answer further, the bell rang and they both shut their mouths, knowing that this was not the time nor place to keep this conversation going. Jongin gave him one brooding, questioning look before he quickly his heel and left, retreating the opposite direction down the long, empty hallway.

-

After that, Baekhyun couldn't even stay mad anymore. He had only sighed in defeat and trudged slowly to his seat, sinking in it to revel in just where he had gone so, so wrong.

And now back in his bed, Baekhyun could feel the inevitable tears prickling at the back of his eyes, stinging them as his fists clenched even tighter, drawing the skin around his knuckles pure white as his hands trembled in front of his hollow chest.

Baekhyun knew he wasn't contributing evenly in their relationship, if even at all—at least compared to everything Jongin had done for him. He knew it all along but what could he do? It was too hard for him.

It was hard for him because the fact of the matter was, when he saw Jongin, when he looked into his eyes, felt his warmth against his skin and listened to his chuckle rumble deep in his chest, Baekhyun was seeing, feeling and listening to his best friend Jongin, not his boyfriend Jongin.

His heart remained frozen, and he wasn’t sure if any amount of love from the other could make his rigid feelings thaw.

For the first time, Baekhyun finally understood how crushing it felt to be burdened by someone else’s love.

Author's Note:

First of all I would like to say I'm so so so sorry for taking so long to update  。・°°・(/ ^ \)・°°・。 I really didn't mean for it to take this long but then the whole fiasco happened with the fandom... and I really didn't have much time either and just erghhh I hope this won't happen again ㅠㅠ

But of course, I must thank Pierre and Kris for rooting for me and encouraging me nonetheless so this is a shoutout to you guys :D <3

Also, on a random side note, I realized that most of you don't acutally know my exo bias is σ(￣∇￣;) and it's pretty hard to guess imo so if you guys wanna give it a try I think it'd be fun to see who you guys think I stan LOL of course it's fine if you dont, but I guess you'll just be left in ~*~*`~*mystery*~*~*~ for a while~

In any case, until next time!! And thanks for reading~!! <33