Baekhyun did end up keeping his promise… more or less. And that was how he found himself packing up his belongings at a pace quicker than he would have liked due to a certain someone tapping his foot impatiently and glancing at his watch beside him. “I’m really sorry again, Junmyeon,” Baekhyun shot the amiable looking boy sitting across from him an exasperated glance. “It looks like someone here is being a bigger brat than usual today,” the small-framed boy finished off with a grumble before shooting his best friend beside him a pointed glare. Jongin looked up from the nth time he’d checked the time on his wrist before blinking at his boyfriend in innocence.

“Who? Me? I’m just here to pick you up, no rush or anything.” The shorter of the two rolled his eyes before roughly zipping up his backpack, making a frustrated noise at the back of his throat as it got caught on the corner of one of his folders.

Watching the couple fumble about with each other from the sidelines, Junmyeon couldn’t help but chuckle from behind his hand. “Don’t be like that, Baekhyun. Jongin’s going to think you like spending time more with me than him,” the eldest teased, eyeing in amusement as the taller of the two’s eyes widened and he promptly grabbed onto Baekhyun’s sleeve and started tugging incessantly. But his boyfriend just gave him a wry smile before he shook his head.

“Well what if it’s true?” Baekhyun sing-songed as he swung the strap of his bag nonchalantly over his shoulder.

“Baekhyun,” Jongin all but whined as he tugged with even more force, nearly throwing the shorter off balance but he recovered and shoved Jongin off with a laugh.

“Stop pulling! If my sweater stretches, you’re buying me a new one,” Baekhyun tutted before he turned his head back, “no offense Junmyeon but I gotta say, no one could replace Jongin even if they tried.”

And at the triumphant lifting of Jongin’s expression, along with the smug look he shot Junmyeon’s way behind Baekhyun’s back, the eldest had to use all his energy to prevent himself from bursting out laughing right then and there. It was just simply too hilarious—Jongin’s utterly blatant jealously that Baekhyun was somehow completely blind to realizing. “No offense taken!” Junmyeon called out as he watched the couple’s retreating backs heading out the door and out of his line of sight.

He really didn’t mean to push Jongin’s buttons. It wasn’t like him and Baekhyun were doing anything wrong; they were just working on their project and that was that. Sure, they had gotten a lot closer over the months as friends, but that was it just it. Friends. However, it seemed that Jongin was simply the overprotective type, so instead of getting frustrated at all the interruptions that the younger would surely bring while they were working, Junmyeon decided to just sit back and take in all in with a light heart. It was young love after all, he thought to himself but proceeded to unexplainably feel very old for just thinking that. “Maybe I should really get a boyfriend of my own…” Junmyeon wondered out loud to himself before he shook his head with a smile and began packing his own belongings.

-

Out on the street on the way home, two boys could be seen shoving each other lightly as a soft laughter rang out throughout the frost bitten air. “Seriously Jongin, could you stop acting like such an annoying puppy whenever you come pick me up? Junmyeon’s going to start thinking you’re weird and wonder why I started dating you in the first place. In fact, I might start wondering why I started to date you in the first place.” Of course the shorter only meant to tack that last part on the end to tease his childish boyfriend; therefore, it was only natural that he missed the way Jongin’s face nearly winced from the uneasy clench he felt deep within in his gut.

The frown that appeared on Jongin’s face could be heard in his voice. “Well I don’t care about what Junmyeon thinks, why should you?”

Baekhyun almost missed a step in his stride at the indignant tone of his best friend’s voice and he turned to shoot him a questionable look. “It was just a joke,” he tried to wave it off but when he saw the younger’s face remain steady in his dark expression, Baekhyun furrowed his eyebrows and stopped completely. He turned towards his friend while reaching out to grip on the other’s elbow lightly with his small hand and stopping him in his tracks. “Hey, you always seem to be in a bad mood whenever Junmyeon is mentioned… is there… is there something wrong? Did he do something to you or…?”

And at the anxiety that laced his smaller boyfriend’s voice and the hesitance in his touch, Jongin couldn’t help but find himself melting out of his hardened façade. Jongin turned to face Baekhyun straight on and his gaze softened as he saw the confusion written plainly in the glimmer of his best friend’s drooping eyes. “No, it’s not—well… Baekhyun, do you—do you really think I’m that annoying?”

If he hadn’t been staring at the other’s mouth and the way his lips moulded carefully around the words, Baekhyun, not in a million years, would have ever guessed that question came out of Jongin’s mouth. Because this was Jongin they were talking about—the one person in Baekhyun’s life that he had always kept at his side through all the good times and the bad alike. They were always together, ever since they could remember. The two of them had become so accustomed to the other’s presence that they could never truly get on each other’s nerves because they were like a part of each other now, an extension of the other’s own being. They were best friends, like brothers, like family, and like… lovers.

But now, hearing such a question come from Jongin’s mouth made Baekhyun realize that something, somewhere, had gone very wrong. “No, no I could never,” the older boy quietly reassured, “I was joking, really. Why—why would you even ask?”

Jongin sighed. “I don’t know. It’s just… whenever I come by, your mood always seems to go down, like I made you upset somehow in a way that I just don’t know. It’s probably nothing serious but… maybe it’s just me but it’s almost as if… you really don’t want me there—like you really do like spending time with him more than me.” And by the end of his small speech, Jongin’s voice had dwindled down to nothing but a whisper, straining painfully against the back of his throat. However, Baekhyun was able to hear everything perfectly while standing in the quiet, deserted street. Unexpectedly, the elder started to feel the undeniable sting of tears beginning to fill behind his eyelids and he could do nothing more but step forwards and engulf the boy in front of him in a hug, pressing the side of his face, with his eyes closed, against the younger’s warm, broad chest.

“I meant what I said, Jongin,” Baekhyun breathed out, “no one could replace you even if they tried.” Baekhyun felt Jongin wrap his own arms around his shoulders and squeeze back. “Sorry. It’s not that I was mad or anything… it’s just whenever you come by, whenever Junmyeon is there, you always become… touchier than you normally are. It’s like you’re not your usual self—not the Jongin that I know so well—and I guess I’m just not used to it. But that’s probably just me…” Baekhyun pulled back to look take a good look at the taller’s eyes, which seemed to be churning with dark liquids of conflicting emotions. “There’s nothing going on between me and Junmyeon if that’s what you’re worried about.” And as Baekhyun saw the other open his mouth to reply, he quickly cut him off, “of course since we’ve worked together for months now ever since school started, it’s only natural we became friends. Honestly Jongin, we’re just good friends. He’s a really cool guy too so I hope that you can treat him just like you would any other friend—like you would Jongdae or Yixing. Don’t overthink it.”

And although it would be hard, looking into his boyfriend’s eyes shining with earnest, Jongin vowed to make the effort to try.

-

Jongin did end up keeping his promise… more or less. To his credit, the dancer really did make an effort to try to change his attitude towards his boyfriend’s new friend.

Friend.

Jongin was going to have to engrain that fact into his mind over and over again if it was going to have any effect. They were just friends. It didn’t matter if Junmyeon was smart, smarter than Jongin, or that he had a perfect attendance record and straight As on all his report cards. If Jongin was such a genius, then Baekhyun would have no one to tutor anymore, would he? And who cares if Junmyeon could pull out his $315 Prada wallet like it was nothing and that his family lived on the Gangnam side of town? Baekhyun and Jongin’s parents were already best friends so of course they’d approve of each other before anyone else, right? And what did it matter that Junmyeon had a perfectly straight smile and glowing pale skin and that his face was undeniably (and grudgingly) handsome. That was just fine since things like looks all came down to personal preference, right? And Baekhyun totally preferred Jongin’s sun-kissed skin and toned dancer body, didn’t he?

But that was where Jongin froze and shook his head vigorously in order to clear his head. He was doing it again, overthinking—just what his boyfriend had told him not to do. He knew he was being silly, and completely overreacting, but for some reason, he just couldn’t keep these types of thoughts out of his mind ever since Baekhyun had introduced him to Junmyeon. Even he himself recognized how ridiculous he must’ve seemed pouting like a child and clinging onto his boyfriend every time in the blonde-haired boy’s presence. It was ridiculous because anyone could clearly see that what Baekhyun and Junmyeon had between them was strictly platonic and that Baekhyun was undoubtedly, already claimed. Jongin knew that Junmyeon was not the one who was going to steal his precious Baekhyun away from him, so why did he still unconsciously feel on edge every time he saw the two shorter boys together and why did his gut always seem to twist up in a crippling fear every time he imagined them spending time alone, laughing and smiling together.

Jongin shook his head again, now earning weird looks from Jongdae and Yixing who were sitting across him at the same table but he couldn’t care less. All he wanted was to know that Byun Baekhyun would stay by his side forever. Was that so much to ask for?

Shaking his head one last time before looking up, Jongin couldn’t help but smile humourlessly to himself. Changing from friends to lovers really left open a big risk—there was suddenly so much more to lose, and it was only now that Jongin realized it. A friend straying away for a while was one thing, but when one lover walked away, leaving the other alone in the cold, it was over forever.

Jongin would’ve almost regretted taking that one leap of faith that changed the dynamics of their relationship if he hadn’t already fallen in love with Baekhyun so, so much.

But Jongin wasn’t given any more time to dwindle in his thoughts when he was suddenly brought back to reality by the sound of a very familiar voice calling out to their small group at the table. Jongin’s head snapped up only to be met with the sight of his smiling boyfriend waving out to them. He would’ve smiled widely and waved back if at that same moment, he hadn’t also spotted another boy half-hidden with a meek smile gracing his lips, trailing behind Baekhyun.

Could he just not get a break?!

“Hey guys!” Baekhyun said as he reached the edge of their table and shuffled over so that Junmyeon and all his bashful glory was plain in view, “this is Junmyeon. I hope you don’t mind if he sits with us today for lunch since his usual gang are all away on that biology field trip today.” Baekhyun motioned to the boy fidgeting beside him and scanned around the table with hopeful eyes.

Jongin bit his lip as the other two assured, with bright smiles, that it was fine and waved for the eldest of them all to take a seat.

Everyone settled down quickly and a steady flow of enthusiastic conversation started filling the air as Jongdae and Yixing got to know the new comer better. Everything was going great; the other two seemed to really take a liking to the congenial blond-haired boy. But as Jongin watched on as the four people in front of him laughed rather boisterously at a joke Jongdae had cracked at Junmyeon’s expense, making Baekhyun reach out ever so slightly to pat him on the back, his stomach couldn’t help but twist up again. Stop overthinking, Jongin sighed to himself.

But apparently it wasn’t soft enough as it managed to catch Baekhyun’s, who was sitting in the seat beside him, attention. The shorter boy turned his attention towards his best friend and gave him a once over. “You ok there?”

All Jongin did was nod his head and slowly reach out under the table to take Baekhyun’s delicate hand in his, clenching tightly as he intertwined their fingers on his lap. Baekhyun turned away, joining back into the conversation that had still been running outside of their little world.

Although the fear flared up as it ached against his insides, Jongin knew for sure that Junmyeon was not the one who was going to steal his precious Baekhyun away from him.

-

“How much do you like me, Baekhyun?”

Said boy looked up from his notes and met eyes with his best friend seated across from him at his kitchen table. The two of them were currently studying at Baekhyun’s house for some upcoming tests their teachers were throwing at them right before Christmas break. It was definitely a pain, but Baekhyun wanted to make sure he’d ace them so he could have a relaxing and stress free holiday and do anything he wanted without worry. However, he wasn’t sure what type of results he’d receive if Jongin didn’t stop interrupting his concentration with his random questions. Shooting the younger a disgruntled glare, Baekhyun went back to scanning over his notes. “What nonsense are you spouting now?”

“Nothing,” Jongin replied with an easy smile; however, his hands were fidgeting with the hem of his shirt underneath the table. “It’s just that I like you thiiiiiiiiis much!” And at that, Jongin made a huge sweeping gesture with his arms stretched wide over his head. He saw his boyfriend huff out a laugh before shaking his head and turning the page.

“That’s very nice, Jongin.”

In that moment, for reasons he couldn’t explain, Jongin felt his stomach beginning to clench uncomfortably. “We’ve been together for about four months now.”

“Oh that long already?”

“Yeah, it’s been a while…” Jongin bit his lip, “and I just realized that… I’ve never actually heard you say how much you… like me, out loud.”

“What do you mean?” Baekhyun mumbled, eyes never straying from his page. He scrunched his eyebrows as he scanned over a large table of definitions he’d have to memorize.

“Well, it’s just that—I mean,” Jongin stuttered, “I tell you I like you all the time and I guess—it’s just—you never do that…”

Baekhyun blinked as he waited for Jongin to go on. But as a silence fell between them and he realized the other wasn’t about to continue, he looked up only to see the younger averting his eyes to the pictures hanging on the wall and tapping his fingers mindlessly, nervously on his thighs. Baekhyun furrowed his eyebrows before raising the paper in his hands, “is that—is that something I have to say?”

Jongin’s gaze immediately snapped back towards his boyfriend who was once again, fixated on studying. “No, no! I mean you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to pressure you or anything… but uh, I guess it’d just be nice to hear?” Jongin scratched the back of his head, “I mean I say it a lot. I just really like you—“

“Jongin.”

“—like really like you—“

“Jongin.”

“So much so that you could even say that I—I lov—“

“Jongin.” And this time when Baekhyun said his name, his voice was low and biting, so much so that the younger snapped his mouth shut immediately and widened his eyes. It seemed that Baekhyun too, realized how harsh he had sounded and immediately softened.

“Sorry,” he sighed, sitting back and rubbing at his temples, “it’s just that I really want to memorize this and get this done… could we—could we talk about this some other time?”

And at the weary, exhausted looking lines that appeared on the older's face, Jongin resigned with a nod. “Yeah, sure.”

It was a miracle that his voice didn’t crack as he said those words since his stomach was currently twisting in so much pain—pain that he later recognized could only be the fear.

-

Overthinking. That was all Jongin seemed to do these days. Jongin started thinking about a lot of things—primarily about him and Baekhyun and their entire relationship as a whole.

At the very beginning, he was the one who had initiated the whole thing. He still remembered that one fateful day in the cafeteria like it was yesterday, and the way his heart was unexplainably elated when Baekhyun had agreed to his crazy idea. He wasn’t in love with Baekhyun back then, no, but some part deep within him knew that if the conditions were right, if the timing was just perfect, he could.

And he did.

So deeply so that he had inadvertently turned a blind eye to the most important thing—the one thing that should be kept as the number one priority for anyone in a relationship. And that was the feelings of the other.

Jongin was sure about how he felt about Baekhyun, more sure than anything else in his life, but the real burning question was… how did Baekhyun feel about him? Jongin felt a wince in his heart as his step faltered as he walked down the cold, evening street. Taking a good look back, he had never once heard about Baekhyun’s feelings towards him. Of course they had maintained a close relationship as they were already best friends from the get go, but in regards to their romantic relationship… had Jongin been the one in the wrong all along?

All this time, all Jongin had done was give and give—give everything that he had to his other half, but now that he thought more about it, he couldn’t truly say that he received the same amount back from Baekhyun.

Did Baekhyun really want to be with him? Or did Jongin force him to be with him?

Was Baekhyun with him because he loved him? Or simply because he felt like he had to—like it was most convenient to?

Jongin wasn’t sure which one those would hurt him more.

These destructive thoughts swirled around in his head endlessly, causing his gut to twist up and clench harder than they had ever before as he quickened his pace and wound his arms tightly around his throbbing torso. And when he found himself looking over to glance into the large window front of a small restaurant, that was when everything came crumbling down.

Inside, sitting at a table for two, was undeniably his boyfriend Baekhyun with Junmyeon sitting across from him.

Jongin knew that Baekhyu hadn’t bothered texting him about this, hence his surprise, but that wasn’t what made him so angry. It wasn’t the fact that he was with Junmyeon either that made him feel this way. No, because Jongin knew for sure that Junmyeon was not the one who was going to steal his precious Baekhyun away from him.

But that didn’t mean anything. That didn’t mean that someday, someone, wouldn’t—someone that was better, someone that Baekhyun actually loved. And at that thought, Jongin’s arms fell limp to his side and his hands clenched into knuckle whitening fists.

That was his one, true fear—Baekhyun waking up one day and realizing that none of this was what he wanted. Baekhyun walking away and leaving him all alone. Baekhyun walking away and losing him forever.

A friend straying away for a while was one thing, but when one lover walked away, leaving the other alone in the cold, it was over forever.

And before he could even realize what he was doing, Jongin stomped into the building, up to Baekhyun, grabbed his wrist and dragged him out of the restaurant. “J-Jongin what—“

The taller of the two turned around on his heel abruptly and placed his trembling hands on his boyfriend’s shoulders. “Baekhyun, tell me.”

“I—I—“ Baekhyun stuttered in his utterly shocked state, having just been dragged out into the cold by his frantic looking best friend. “I was just having dinner?”

Jongin shook his head, “Baekhyun.”

“And I didn’t tell you beforehand because technically, we weren’t working on the project and Junmyeon’s just a friend so I thought—“

“Baekhyun,” and at the younger’s stern tone, Baekhyun closed his mouth and looked up at the other’s face. A million and one expressions were flashing across the other’s face and Baekhyun could do nothing but stare with wide eyes. “Baekhyun, tell me. Do you love me?” Baekhyun’s eyes widened exponentially. “Do you love me?” Jongin repeated, firmer this time and not letting his locked gaze leave his best friend’s.

“W-well, of course—“

“No Baekhyun, I don’t mean as a friend or as a brother or whatever else you’re probably thinking right now. I mean it as a lover, as your boyfriend… do you love me?”

And at the way his boyfriend’s lips opened and closed in hesitation and his eyes became more and more frantic per second, Jongin’s mind went completely blank. “Why—why are being like this?”

Jongin snapped. “Why am I like this? Well Baekhyun, maybe it’s because of the fact that after all this time, you have never once told me that you even liked me, let alone that you loved me. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re my boyfriend but you know what, Baekhyun? Sometimes—most of the time, actually—I think… no, I know you forget that.” And at the shocked and pained expression that blossomed on his boyfriend’s delicate face, all Jongin wanted to do was take it all back, take back all those words so they wouldn’t hurt his beloved but he knew that he couldn't. He couldn't because it was the truth—the truth that he had been denying and hiding away ever since he had started noticing the distance that had forged between them. Where were they at? Where were Baekhyun and him and their whole relationship anyways? Definitely not friends, but yet it seemed not quite full lovers, Byun Baekhyun and Kim Jongin were frozen in the convoluted phases in between.

Not caring if the desperation rang clear in his voice or shook unevenly within his grip, Jongin trailed his hands down to settle on Baekhyun’s waist and peered down to look at his face, into his confused, but deep velvety eyes.  “Jongin, I—“

It was now, do or die. Jongin squeezed his eyes shut and swallowed.  “I love you.”

Those three words rang clear as day in the silence that followed between them. Jongin was sure of how he felt, more sure than anything else he had ever known in his entire life. The sun was hot, the wind was swift and the flowers were beautiful where he stood. His heart was so, so warm in his chest.

But what good could come if one heart thawed before the other?

Silence. Deafening silence stretched on for one beat, two beats more until… a shaky hand came up to meet Jongin’s. Cold fingers wrapped themselves delicately over his knuckles, sliding down and leaving a trail of goose bumps before clasping around his wrist, and pulling it off.

Jongin kept his eyes shut, letting Baekyun place his hand back to his side. “Jongin, I… I’m…” he heard a shaky breath of an exhale, “I’m sorry.”

And all at once, those two words completely shattered Jongin’s heart.

No, that’s not right. Only frozen hearts can shatter.

Hearts like Jongin’s, so soft and warm and full of life and love, can only tear and rip themselves open into tiny pieces, which was infinitely more torturous and infinitely more agonizing.

The impact of Baekhyun’s apology slammed against Jongin’s very core and before he knew it, he was already down on his knees, clutching and wrapping his arms around Baekhyun’s legs. “N-no.”

“Maybe… you’re right, Jongin.”

“No, no, no…”

“It’s not you, god that’s so disgusting to say, but it’s really not. Jongin you are amazing—the most amazing thing that’s probably ever happened to me, that ever will happen to me.”

Jongin didn't even dare to raise his gaze to meet with Baekhyun’s eyes that were surely trained down on his trembling figure still holding tight against his legs and waist. Jongin’s eyes were too watery with budding tears to be able to gauge the older’s expression even if he did. “Baek, no, stop. Please stop talking.”

And even though he couldn’t be sure, Jongin could just imagine Baekhyun shaking his head slowly, sadly. “But… Jongin… it’s me. There’s something wrong with me, there has to be and I—how do I even explain this?” The brown haired boy’s voice quivered violently as he spoke, as if trying somehow to will some strength into himself and just barely succeeding with keeping himself together.

Before Jongin could attempt to gather up a reply, Baekhyun was already bending his knees, moving down to kneel in front of his boyfriend. Baekhyun reached out to gently cup Jongin’s face into his small, clammy palms, forcing the younger to finally look up into his eyes. The redness in Baekhyun’s eyes, red and glassy with unshed tears, surprised Jongin slightly as he bit his lip in order to keep his own from falling down his cheeks. “I love you, Jongin. I do love you and you have to believe that, please.” If Jongin could have three wishes, his first one would have been to stop time right then and there because that’s all he ever wanted to hear from his beloved—everything he had always longed to hear and know from the very beginning. But of course there was more, “but….” There always had to be more.

“But what?”

“But the Jongin that I love is not my boyfriend Jongin… it’s my best friend Jongin.”

They were strong for too long; neither of the two boys could take it anymore. The tears that had been building and stinging behind their eyelids finally broke through and spilled, leaving the two to sob together in their misery at what they had become. “I—I don't understand, Baek. What’s the difference? We’re the same, aren’t we? What’s a boyfriend and a best friend? I’m still me—what’s the difference?!”

All Baekhyun did was shake his head, dropping his gaze down onto the frostbitten cement beneath their legs. “My best friend was the one who laughed at me and called me stupid whenever he wanted to without holding back. My best friend was the one who didn’t care if I hung out with Junmyeon or didn’t call him or text him on a schedule. My best friend was the one who made me so glad to be alive and free—the one who taught me to feel the warmth of the sunlight on a fine spring day and appreciate the scent of a summer breeze when the days were too long.”

“I—I’m sorry, Baek. I’m sorry, I’ll change—I’ll change for you.”

“Jongin—“

Said boy suddenly leaned forwards to pull the smaller into his arms, into a desperately bone crushing embrace. His grip was too tight as if letting any space between their bodies would surely give Baekhyun the room to slip away forever and that was last thing that Jongin ever wanted. “I’ll change, Baekhyun. I’ll do anything just—just don't leave me.”

The silence that fell between them was deafening in a frigidly frightening way. The wind was beginning to pick up and whip around them in icy bites that lashed at every bit of exposed skin that wasn’t covered up by layers of cotton and wool. And after what seemed like a lifetime finally passed, Baekhyun was the one who made the first move.

He shook his head and his lips moulded to form the words that would soon destroy the younger boy completely. “Jongin, I can’t do this to you. It's not fair. I love you but… just not enough, I’m sorry.”

And with that, the older boy slowly got up from his spot, tearing apart from Jongin’s tight grip around him as gently as he could and walked away. He didn't turn to look back, not even once.

Jongin was left there in the middle of the frozen, white street. His skin was numb, his eyes still stung and his whole body hurt—everything hurt.

The only beauty in that scene was the first flurry of snowflakes that began to fall along with Jongin’s hot tears on even hotter cheeks.

Author's Note:

bananayellow12 >>> helianthaes

Also my new livejournal is now up and running!! Yay :D

Happy new years everyone!! ^^