Chapter 9

Determined, Amanda had gone home to grab her gear hoping to make it to the gym early enough to see him. She'd want to prove to him that she was willing to work hard just for him. She wanted to prove to him that she wasn't just a klutz who didn't know how to be a fierce fighter. With enough practice, she'll show him she can be a fighter. He'd be so proud of her, she told herself. The thought excited her to no end.

 

As the driver pulled into the lot, she found his car parked in front of the entrance door. Smiling to herself, she never felt so ready to finally confess her feelings to him. The thought itself was both nerve wracking and exciting at the same time. She imagined him smiling back at her with that warm grin that always seemed to warm her heart. She'd then take him aside and finally come out with it. “Ryan,” she would say, “I like you. I've always liked you. I still like you.”

 

But then, maybe she was over-analyzing it. “I'll just tone it down a bit,” she told herself, taking a deep breath.

 

“Here you go, miss,” the driver said, unlocking the door.

 

“Thanks,” she smiled back at him.

 

“I'll be right back with the boys,” he told her.

 

“Alright, sounds good,” she nodded with a wave.

 

Once he drove off, Amanda took another deep breath as she turned around to make her way to the door. Clutching her gym bag to her shoulder, she proceeded to quietly open the door in the hopes of not startling him. Peeking her head inside, she discovered the front lobby empty. That's odd, she thought, Where could he be?

 

Stepping inside, she discovered the door to the workout room was open, noticing the lights were on. The next thing she heard was a high pitched laughter coming from a female along with that of a low laugh coming from a male. Out of curiosity, she hid behind the wall near the door to peek inside. It was as if the time had stopped when Amanda saw what she didn't want to see. It was as if her worst fears had come true. Ryan... Sue... Oh no, she thought, her hands shaking. It's true. I was right.

 

Amanda bit down on her quivering bottom lip to refrain from falling apart. No one can see her this way. “It's okay,” she told herself. “I'm okay.” She breathed hard, catching her breath. “You're gonna be okay, Amanda.” Swallowing hard, she cleared loudly. “Hello?” she called out. “Is anybody here?”

 

As expected, stepping inside, they broke apart pretending as if nothing happened. As if Amanda hadn't witnessed the exchange going on. “Hey Amanda!” Sue greeted her, surprised. “You're here early.”

 

“Yeah,” Ryan looked around. “What are you doing here?”

 

Amanda faked a wide smile. “Well, I figured I'd come to get a bit of practice in, if you don't mind,” she said.

 

He shook his head. “No, not at all,” he said, motioning her to get on the mat. “Go nuts.”

 

She simply nodded in return as she sat down on a chair to wrap her hands. Sue immediately brushed past her, heading towards the lobby, making sure to avoid being stopped by Amanda. Of course, Amanda could see right through her. She smiled wryly to herself. Girl's got some nerve, she thought.

 

Her reverie was soon interrupted when Ryan stood before her, leaning down to help with her hand-wraps. She immediately removed her hand from his grasp. He looked stunned, staring back at her. “I've got this,” she said.

 

“Are you sure? It's not a problem, I can—“

 

“It's fine,” she firmly said.

 

He raised his hands in defeat. “Okay, if you need help, let me know.”

 

She simply nodded, clenching her jaw tightly as she wrapped away angrily. The blood rushed to her hands.

 

Ryan immediately took her hands. “They're too tight, you see?” he pointed out, re-wrapping it for her. “You're gonna cut off your circulation if they're any tighter.”

 

She looked away angrily. As soon as he was finished, she snatched her hand away from him. From the look on his face, he seemed a bit stunned. She chose not to care as she made her way onto the mat to warm up and kick away at the punching bag. Punch... Kick... Punch... Kick...

 

It was as if all that pent up rage and frustration came pouring out right then and there. Soon, Ryan's voice echoed from behind. “Easy,” he told her, laughing lightly. “Don't use up all your energy. We're about to have a class in a bit until the others get here.” He soon softened, “Are you okay?”

 

“I'm fine,” she firmly told him.

 

“What's wrong?” he asked, stepping in front of her.

 

“Nothing,” she said, trying to step around him.

 

“Amanda,” he sounded seemingly concerned.

 

“I SAID I'M FINE!” she raised her voice, startling him. She then made her way over to the waiting area, hoping the boys got here in time so she wouldn't fall apart right then and there. So to pass the time, she blasted music from her Galaxy Tab through her headphones in the hopes of tuning everything out.

 

Moments later, everyone arrived in time. Yongguk lightly shook Amanda awake to grab her attention. She gave him a weak smile. “Hey,” she said.

 

He returned her smile. “Hey yourself,” he said. “You ready for the lesson?”

 

Amanda nodded in return, proceeding to follow him onto the mat along with the others.

 

Before the others could prod any further, Ryan proceeded to begin the lesson. “Alright, grab a partner,” he announced, looking over at Jongup. “I'm gonna need you up here again, Jongup.”

 

Reluctantly, Jongup glanced over at Amanda, who was already partnered up with Yongguk. She gave him a weak smile of approval. He sighed before making his way over to their teacher.

 

Once he was finished demonstrating, he instructed everyone to try out their new technique. Yongguk held up the pads allowing Amanda to punch away. “You're doing great,” Yongguk encouraged her.

 

Those words seemed to rile her up even more as she thought about what she'd seen earlier. Ryan would say those words to her. Blinking back angry tears, Amanda's punches and kicks became more aggressive.

 

“There you go,” Yongguk continued to encourage her. “You've got this, Manda. You're doing a good job.”

 

Swallowing hard, she continued to punch and kick aggressively without catching a breath. Looking back up at Yongguk, his face was soon replaced with Ryan. It can't be, she thought, it was just my imagination. The spitting image gave her an encouraging smile just as Ryan had done numerous times before. She found herself getting extremely angry.

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Yongguk spoke up, using the pads to block the aggressive punches coming from the girl before him. “Manda, slow down.” He demanded. “Take it easy.”

 

She had chosen to ignore him, angrily punching and kicking the pads without a care in the world. She imagined Ryan standing before her, trying his best to calm her down. How dare you.

 

“Amanda,” Ryan's voice rang out but she didn't seem to hear him.

 

“Amanda,” Yongguk raised his voice, but she didn't seem to be paying attention as he tried his best to prevent her from striking him.

 

“Amanda,” the rest of the BAP members called out to her.

 

Panting, Amanda continued to strike angrily, oblivious to the attention she was getting. With one last right hook, she aimed her fist towards Yongguk, knocking the wind out of him.

 

The whole room grew silent at what she'd done. The rest of the guys gaped at her.

 

Catching her breath, she turned to find Ryan, staring back at her, stunned. Her eyes widened, Wait a minute... If Ryan's right here, then who—? She gasped when she turned to find Yongguk lying flat down on the mat, there was a small cut on the corner of his lip. Yongguk was clearly stunned himself as he reached up to touch his bleeding lip.

 

She covered with her gloved hand, gasping loudly, “I'm—I'm—“ Struggling to speak, she eventually removed the gloves, tossing them onto the mat before storming out the room, unintentionally bumping shoulders with Sue as she pushed her way out the door.

 

As soon as she was gone, Ryan looked over at everyone else. “Alright, let's stop here,” he announced then proceeded to make his way over to Yongguk. “Whoa, she got you good with that one, didn't she?” He chuckled, glancing over at Sue. “Mind grabbing the first aid kit from the equipment room, Sue?”

 

She nodded, rushing out of the room.

 

“You okay there, man?” Ryan asked, concerned.

 

Yongguk sat up, rebuffing any help from the other members. “I'll be fine,” he said dryly, turning to the other guys. “Will one of you guys check on her? I wanna make sure she doesn't run away.”

 

“I'll go,” Daehyun volunteered immediately.

 

Without another word, he was out the door searching for her.

 

Luckily, she didn't go very far. Instead, he found her pacing back and forth a few doors down. The day was getting darker and a bit scarier and Daehyun had to take it upon himself to convince her to go back inside before something bad happens. Grumbling, he marched right over to her. “Hey,” he called out to her.

 

She didn't seem to hear him as she continued to pace once again, oblivious to Daehyun's presence. Amanda took a deep breath, biting her bottom lip to keep from crying once again. “I'm okay,” she told herself. “I'm gonna be okay.”

 

“Manda?” Daehyun called to her once again.

 

Eventually, she finally turned to face him. Her expression grew even more solemn. “Hey,” she said with a weak smile.

 

“What the hell was that back there?” he asked immediately, making his way to her.

 

Amanda shook her head, refusing to answer.

 

“Manda, what's going on?” he demanded. “You didn't have to punch Yongguk hyung in the face like that. What did he do to deserve that? Huh?”

 

Soon, she felt her lip quiver. Unable to control it any longer, she fell apart, pulling Daehyun closely. “I can't hold it in anymore, Dae,” she sobbed into his chest. “I can't take it anymore. I'm such an idiot.”

 

Daehyun immediately stiffened up. He found himself at a loss for words, unsure of how to react around a crying girl. Especially if the girl was Amanda at that. “Uh...” he uttered, lifting a hand to comfort her as he awkwardly patted her back. “It's gonna be okay...”

 

“I'm so stupid,” her voice was muffled through his shirt. “I really am stupid. I had my hopes up for nothing and now I look like an idiot.”

 

Daehyun pulled away from her, placing both hands on her shoulders. He studied her momentarily. “What are you talking about?” he asked. “What happened?”

 

Instead of answering, she broke down again, clutching onto his t-shirt. “I was right,” she mumbled.

 

“What?” he asked, unable to understand her.

 

“I said I was right,” she looked back up at him with a tear-stained face. Sniffling loudly, she sobbed once again. “Stupid, stupid, stupid!” she pounded his chest with her fists.

 

“Whoa!” he backed away from her. “Easy there. I'm not a punching bag.”

 

She sniffled. “Sorry,” she said. “OMG, I'm so sorry, Daehyun...” She cried again.

 

“Oh no,” he mumbled, sighing as he caressed her back. “Don't cry, Manda. Alright, you know what? Let it all out.” He said soothingly. “There, there.” Not sure why I'm comforting her when she's a pain in the , but then that would make me an , he thought.

 

The door soon flew open with the rest of the guys making their way out. Sighing in relief, he motioned for them to join him and as soon as they were near, Daehyun decided to hand Amanda off to the maknaes. “She's all yours,” he said, patting both their backs as Amanda sobbed, clutching onto Jongup and Zelo's shirts. They both proceeded to awkwardly hug her in return.

 

“Uh...” Zelo stiffened, glancing over at Jongup. “What happened?” he mouthed.

 

Jongup shrugged in return, awkwardly hugging Amanda as he attempted to comfort her. “Are you okay, noona?”

 

Amanda looked back up at him. “No,” she shook her head. “I'm not okay, Jongup. And I don't think I'll ever be okay...” she broke down.

 

Daehyun looked down at his shirt in disgust since it was stained with Amanda's tears. “Ugh... I'm just gonna go change my shirt,” he announced, reaching into his gym bag for an extra shirt.

 

“I'm so sorry, Daehyun,” she apologized. “For ruining your shirt.”

 

He flipped a hand forward. “Don't worry about it.”

 

“Do you know what really happened?” Youngjae whispered over to the oldest members.

 

Yongguk and Himchan glanced at one another before shaking their heads, unsure themselves.

 

The door flew opened once again. Amanda perked up right away wiping her tears. “Hey, is everything okay?” Ryan's voice rang out nearby. He took notice of her swollen and puffy eyes and runny nose. “Have you been crying, Amanda?”

 

Immediately, she faked a smile. “No!” she laughed loudly. “Of course not! I just have really bad allergies...” She glanced at Youngjae. “You see, uh, Youngjae just bought this really expensive new cologne and it was very strong and my nose suddenly became runny. Right, Jae?” She gave him a pleading look.

 

Realizing what she was doing, he eventually relented. “Right,” he nodded, trailing off. “Sorry about that. I didn't know you weren't a fan of my new cologne.”

 

She held a firm smile. “Well now you know!” she exclaimed, chuckling lightly.

 

Youngjae chuckled. “Then I'll know for next time!” he played along with her little act. “Note to self: must not wear new cologne around Amanda.”

 

In turn, the other guys chuckled along with them.

 

Ryan furrowed his brows in confusion, seemingly unconvinced. “Okay,” he finally said, glancing down at a guilt-ridden Sue. “I'm gonna take Sue home now. Did any of you guys need anything from me before I go?” He stared back at them expectantly.

 

“No, not at all,” they all shook their heads at once.

 

“Alright, see you guys tomorrow,” he said with a slight wave, leading Sue to the car.

 

“Bye guys,” Sue waved over to them.

 

They returned the wave awkwardly. Amanda took note of the long stare as well as the look of sadness on Sue's face as she glanced back at her. Amanda clenched her jaw and curled her fist angrily. She immediately broke the stare, looking away from her. Sue soon got into Ryan's truck as he proceeded to pull out of the parking lot.

 

Once they were gone, Amanda inhaled then exhaled sharply. “Are you okay?” Himchan asked out of concern.

 

Amanda nodded, blinking back her tears. “I'll be fine,” she tried her best to sound as reassuring as possible but the boys knew otherwise.

 

“We pretty much saw the whole thing,” Youngjae added wearily. “We're so sorry, Manda.”

 

“No!” she waved her hands. “Don't worry about me. It's totally fine.”

 

Daehyun sighed heavily, spreading his arms out. “If you need to let it out, you can. Come here,” he summoned her over.

 

Her lips quivered. “Okay,” she cried, walking over to hug him tightly. “Thank you, Daehyun.”

 

He her back softly. “No problem,” he said.

 

Eventually, Yongguk cleared his throat loudly, garnering everyone's attention. “We should all get going,” he announced. “It's getting darker.”

 

“Okay,” everyone murmured at once, proceeded to get into the van.

 

She purposely waited until they were the last ones outside. “Listen,” she spoke up after clearing , staring particularly at the cut on his lip. “About what happened back there... I'm really sorry.”

 

He waved her off before placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Don't worry about it,” he assured her, motioning over to the car. “Let's get going before the boys start complaining.”

 

She nodded in return, as he allowed her to get in before him.

 

That night during dinner, they all decided to head over to Buca di Beppo for a feast. While the others ate, Amanda's food remained untouched. Eventually, the other guys started to take notice. “Your food's getting cold,” remarked Himchan, breaking the silence.

 

His voice woke her from her reverie. “Huh?” she turned to face him.

 

“I said your food's getting cold,” he bluntly stated.

 

“Right,” she looked back down at her untouched plate then proceeded to lift her fork.

 

“If you're not gonna eat that, can I have it?” Daehyun asked as he watched her, picking at her food.

 

She looked back at him then proceeded to slide her plate over to him. “Go for it,” she finally said.

 

Daehyun looked at her in confusion. “Why did you give it to me?”

 

“I'm not that hungry,” she admitted.

 

“At least eat some bread sticks, noona,” Zelo told her, passing over the basket of bread sticks.

 

She gave him a weak smile. “Thanks Zelo,” she said, taking a bread stick from the basket.

 

“You okay?” Youngjae finally asked.

 

She turned her attention over to him and sighed. “Honestly?” she shook her head, looking down at the table solemnly. “Not really.” She swallowed hard. “I mean, did you guys see the way she was acting towards me? She was clearly trying to avoid me!” Right away, they knew exactly who she was talking about. On the way to the restaurant, Amanda had finally told them what she'd seen before the boys arrived. She broke down in the car as Daehyun and the maknaes tried to awkwardly comfort her. “Like seriously, I'm honestly not hurt by the fact that they're together, I'm more hurt by the fact that Sue decided to keep it a secret from me.” She curled her fist angrily, crushing the bread stick in her hand. “I'm not even sure how I'm gonna face them now.”

 

“Your best bet is to act as if it doesn't affect you, Amanda,” Himchan spoke up finally.

 

She turned to face him. “Really?”

 

He nodded as Yongguk chimed in. “If you act as if seeing them gets to you, which I'm sure it will like it is right now,” he began, “They're gonna feel horrible and knowing you, Amanda, you're not like that.”

 

She swallowed hard, blinking back tears. “You're right,” she said. “I really don't want to be that kind of person but the least she could have done was give me a heads up.” She pointed out. “Right?”

 

“You're right,” Youngjae nodded in agreement. “You could confront her and tell her yourself but whatever you do, do NOT be passive aggressive. You'll feel bad about it later on.”

 

“Yeah, there are two options to go by,” Daehyun chimed in. “Firstly, you could just take her aside and say 'You know I would have appreciated a heads up.' Or you could just be straight up aggressive and say 'Hey, what you did wasn't cool, you knew I liked him. I can't believe you'd do something like this to me after everything I've done for you.'”

 

“I like the second option a lot,” Amanda smiled.

 

“Yeah but none of us would want a cat fight to ensue,” Daehyun muttered. “Meow!” He curled his hands into a claw-like manner, which earned a fit of snickers from the other guys. Eventually, Amanda joined them in their laughter. She had to admit, she was feeling a lot better being around her friends. They always knew how to make her laugh when she was feeling down.

 

As soon as the laughter died down, Youngjae cleared his throat glancing at the other guys. “We could, you know, quit the lessons,” he suggested.

 

The other guys nodded in agreement with the exception of Yongguk as he looked over at Amanda. “I don't want you guys to quit because of me,” she spoke up, glancing at each of them. “The last thing I want is to let Ryan down.”

 

“But he hurt you, noona!” Zelo exclaimed defiantly.

 

“I know, but he doesn't know that he hurt me,” she pointed out. “It's my fault I let myself feel this way and I don't want you guys to quit simply because of my situation. If anything, if you guys want to quit, at least find a valid reason to do so. Other than that, just stick around for the lesson for the time being.”

 

The table grew silent for a long moment.

 

Eventually, she spoke up again. “Throughout the time I've known him, a lot of people have let him down and it worried me. Like I don't want to be that kind of person to him. He's a really good guy and I can tell he likes you guys a lot,” she said with a sad smile. “I think it's because you guys are all good students who make him laugh and to be honest, I haven't seen him laugh and smile as much he does now. It warms my heart to see him this way.” She sighed dreamily. “I just hope that Sue treats him well. They're both good people and they deserve to be happy...” Her voice broke as a teardrop hit the surface of the table.

 

Youngjae reached over to comfort her, giving her an assuring smile.

 

“Thanks,” she mouthed before crying silently to herself.

 

At the end of the night, the presence of the guys alone managed to make her smile slightly, which was a relief on their part. Of course, they all knew it was a front. They couldn't just expect her to cheer up about something like this right away. For now, she chose to endure the heartache for now until she could actually come to terms with it.

 

During the following week, her heart dropped even further. Sue still kept mum about what was going on but it became a slap in the face when she saw some couple pictures and tagged posts of her and Ryan. In turn, Amanda tried her best to remain unaffected even though it still hurt having to face them every time. She tried to act normal around Ryan but the bitter part of her would often rebuff his attempts to help her.

 

Upon the sight of seeing Sue, smiling and greeting her happily, Amanda would often greet her curtly with a brief smile before taking out her anger and frustrations on a punching bag. The rest of the guys seemed to notice but it was completely understandable.

 

Eventually, Ryan decided to take her aside after class. “Hey, could I talk to you for a sec?” he asked, garnering the attention of the other guys. They pretended as if they weren't listening even though Daehyun made sure to stand within close proximity.

 

Reluctantly, Amanda relented. “Okay,” she said following him towards the ring.

 

“Is everything okay?” he asked finally. “You seem a bit pissed and I was wondering if I could do anything to, you know, help you.”

 

Swallowing hard, she managed to look back up at him. “Can I ask you something?” she finally asked.

 

“Sure,” he nodded, listening intently.

 

“I don't know if you remember this but,” she began, taking a deep breath. “Do you remember receiving a get-well card in the mail when you were recovering from back surgery?”

 

He took a moment to consider her question before nodding with a smile. “Oh yeah, of course I remember,” he beamed, reaching over to touch her shoulder. “Thanks.”

 

Amanda scoffed, shaking his shoulder off. “You're welcome,” she said ironically. He seemed oblivious to her dryness. Thanks a lot for making me look stupid. That memory was pretty clear. The one reason why she brought it up was because he seemed to acknowledge Sue's bouquet of flowers but couldn't acknowledge a stupid card that Amanda went all out just to mail to him. The thought itself hurt so much, she had to blink back tears.

 

From the corner of her eye, she spotted Sue stepping inside to talk to the guys. She looked over at Amanda and Ryan. “I should get going.” She finally said, proceeding to leave.

 

“Wait,” he called out to her, spreading out his arms for a hug.

 

Sighing heavily, she made her way over to him giving him a half-assed hug, much to his surprise.

 

“Hey,” he said softly, she could see the hurt in his eyes as he looked at her. “You know you can always talk to me, right?”

 

She nodded before walking away from him, turning to face Sue with a wide, but fake grin. “Have a good night,” she curtly said before brushing past her.

 

The rest of the guys glared at her as they left to follow Amanda.

 

Once they were outside, Amanda quietly got into the car with Yongguk sliding in beside her followed by everyone else. As the car proceeded to drive out of the parking lot, she bit down on her bottom lip, her shoulders began to shake. Breathing hard, she bit down harder on her lip to prevent herself from crying. Eventually, she felt a hand over hers. She looked back up to find Yongguk staring back at her. In turn, he gave her a reassuring squeeze allowing her to finally let it out.

 

“I guess her flowers were better than a ing card,” she sobbed into Yongguk's chest. Of course they remembered since Yongguk did happen to tag along with her as she went shopping for one. They remembered the gleam in her eyes once she found the perfect card. He had helped her write out a message complete with her signature wit.

 

He gave Amanda's arm a squeeze as he continued to comfort her. The car ride was quiet as the guys listened to Amanda's soft cries.