ii. check in
sometimes life gets in the way

He froze with his face in his hands, not allowing himself to surrender to the illusion.

No. No. No. This couldn't be happening.

"Ho-Hoseok? Are you okay?" the voice was closer. But it was imaginary. It had to be.

He trembled. He was literally shaking.

No.

He looked up.

It was impossible.

Her name fell unbidden from his lips, feather soft. She smiled uncertainly at him.

Suddenly he was no longer J-Hope. He was Jung Hoseok again and his chest was squeezing painfully and he was gasping for breath.

"Hoseokkie," she whispered, moving closer to cup his cheeks. She gently wiped his tears away and it was then that he realized he was crying.

"Don't cry, Hoseokkie. You'll make me cry."

He wheezed her name over and over as he forced himself to see past his blurry vision and his shaky hands made their way to her arms, her hair, her face. He traced her features and rememorized her for the next time she left him.

Because she would. He knew she would. He wasn't worth staying for.

"You're here," he croaked. "You're actually here."

She smiled softly. "Yes, Hoseokkie. I'm back."

"For how long?" His fingers brushed her cheek and swept her hair behind her ears, baring her face to him so he could stare to his heart's content.

Well no, his heart's content would be forever, but he'd take what he could get.

She blushed under his intense gaze but frowned a little and tilted her head. "I'm here to stay."

"No, you're not," he blurted without thinking.

She raised a challenging eyebrow. "Why not?"

"Because there's nothing left for you in Korea. Actually, why did you even come back?" Now that he had calmed down, he was confused as to why she had returned.

Her parents were long gone and she was an only child. When her parents died in a car crash, none of her relatives would take her in. That was how she met Hoseok. His parents had found her working illegally and taken her in. They lived together happily for many years until his parents passed away too, but by then they were both adults.

And she had decided to go.

"I never said I wasn't coming back," she said.

"You never said you were."

"But of course I would." She smiled tenderly. "You're here."

He was quiet. His hands held her face the way she was holding his. How was he supposed to tell her what a ty reason that was? Because he wasn't worth it.

As he contemplated, he noticed the changes in her. They were subtle but overwhelming: there were new crinkles by her eyes, new highlights in her hair, new confidence in her smile.

His heart ached. What had she experienced in the last four years without him?

Carefully, he said, "I'm...nothing. Or I should be nothing, to you. I'm not good enough for you."

She immediately shook her head. "No, Hobi, don't say that about yourself!"

He almost smiled at the use of his pet name. But then he stilled.

She noticed. "Hobi?"

That's right. Hobi. J-Hope. That's who he was now. Not Hoseok. Hoseok was long gone.

Clenching his fists, he stood up abruptly. "No."

She didn't understand. "What?"

"No," he repeated firmly, avoiding her gaze. "I've changed. We both have. Too much to be the same as before."

Now she stood up too. "We aren't supposed to be the same as before. We just have to be together."

He shook his head with a bitter smile, finally drilling his eyes into hers. She was caught off-guard by the raw pain and forced maturity she found in them.

"You don't understand. I'm not Hoseok anymore. He's gone. I'm J-Hope now." His lips twisted into some warped semblance of a smirk. "I'm a gangster now."

"No," she shook her head. "No, I don't believe it."

"It doesn't matter if you believe it or not. It's true. I even had a fight today."

She was still shaking her head.

J-Hope looked down, not on shame or guilt, but for evidence. Under the dim lights, he noticed the bloodstains on his clothes that he hadn't been able to scrub out.

"See these stains? That's blood. And it's not mine. I beat someone up. He almost died." He stretched the truth a little since technically that had been wild Suga, but she didn't know that.

"No," she whispered.

But when he took a step towards her, she backed away instinctively. His gait had changed, had become more predator-like. And she was the prey.

Another step. Then another. And more. Until she bumped into the wall and could only stare wide-eyed as he neared her.

He slammed his hands on the wall, boxing her in. She jumped and gasped at the violent action.

"See? You're scared of me," he taunted but there was something in his voice that made her look up at him.

A strain of melancholy. The barest hint of regret. And so, so, so, so, so much love. He never could hide his feelings very well.

She could still see him, Hoseok, the boy she had loved for most of her life and left behind four years ago because of her own stupid doubts. The innocent one who was still hurting, who was still giving more than he ever took.

But then his eyes shut down and the shadow was gone. His mask had slipped back in place. He pushed away from her before she could deny her fear.

"Leave," he ordered coldly.

She gasped quietly. No, she couldn't leave him again, especially not like this. "I-I-I don't have anywhere else to go," she stammered in panic.

He scoffed. "Fine. You stay. I'll leave."

"But—this is your house!"

He shrugged. "I'll just go hang out at the club." Without waiting for a reply, he pushed past her and out the door.

© Copyright 2014 by skyblaze208