Stolen kisses

A spark when I feel you hold my hand for the first time

That warm feeling when your eyes met mine

The way my heart pattered when you said you loved me

The feeling of floating

When you said you would stay with me

FOREVER

            I couldn’t believe that I was actually going out with the honey abs idol.  I couldn’t believe that out of everyone in the world that you chose me.  Our first meeting had been so accidental.  I didn’t even know who you were at first when you ran into the ladies room, out of all places, to escape your crazy fans.  I remember standing there looking at your cute face and muscular body before hitting you with my purse and kicking you out of the bathroom before being grabbed by the screaming fans.  And I guess it was a coincidence too when I met you again at a yogurt shop.  You were eating with four other guys when you glanced at me.  And I just melted into those eyes.  And when you came to talk to me with such a friendly smile I knew that I was beginning to fall in love. 

            And now it’s perfect.  I still can’t believe that you’re going out with me.  You would risk being hated by everyone to be with me?  You’re so caring.  Amazing.  Why did you choose me?  I always say that this can’t last forever.  But you always look at me like I’m crazy.  I’m afraid that you will leave me.  So I can’t say the three little words I want to say so badly.  The words that I’ve wanted to say since maybe that day in the yogurt shop.  But one day I do.  And when I hear you say the words too, I feel like I might really get that happy ending.  Because you said you would stay with me FOREVER. 

The weak smile I gave when you forgot

So you bought me flowers for the second time that week

As time passes I feel like we begin to fall apart

The confused look you had when I left the house

But the smile that made my heart melt

When I came back two days later

            As time passes you become busier.  I hardly see you anymore.  Maybe your band is more important than me.  I sit around at home as our one year anniversary passes.  I expected your call.  I knew you weren’t busy so why didn’t you at least call me?  The next day you come over and you bring me flowers.  Sunflowers.  My favorite.  And I smile weakly at you, wondering if you remember what yesterday was.  But you’re still the cute adorable dork I still love and I quickly let my anger dissipate.  How can I be angry with someone who I love so much?  Two days later you finally remember and you bring me the biggest bouquet of flowers I’ve ever received and you make it up to me, reminding me of how perfect you can be.  And one month later we move in together. 

            Time passes and everyone finds out that you’re living with me.  And your name gets splattered all over newspapers.  Girls are leaving you hatemail more than fanmail.  You’re members are worried for you.  I can see the regret in your eyes.  Maybe I wasn’t worth all of this?  So you work harder to gain everyone’s love back.  You have more shows to guest on, more fanservices to do, more songs to promote.  And you slowly gain their love back, but you’re slowly losing mine.  One night Mir drops you off at our house, all drunk.   And you scream that it’s my fault that you ended up this way.  And this just about breaks me.  So I leave.  But I see your anger quickly subside to confusion and then to desperation as you try to make me stay.  But I can’t live like this.  But I come back two days later.  I couldn’t leave you.  I’m in love with you so much.  You look like a wreck and you quickly grasp me closer to you when I walk in through that door.  You say that even if you’re stupid sometimes that you would try to be better, that no matter what, you’ll love me FOREVER. 

The romantic night when you proposed

The happiest day for both of us when we said our I do’s

The little notes you would leave for me

When I woke up

And the random times you would

Cook me dinner

            I remember the day you proposed to me.  You took me to the first place we met.  I was so confused at why we were outside the ladies room and laughed when I remembered and then we went to the yogurt shop and ordered the same thing we did that day long ago.  Remembering all the random stuff we talked about.  And for dinner you took me to a fancy restaurant.  And we had the balcony seats, just us two.  And it was a beautiful night.  The stars were sparkling in the sky and the candles gave the night a romantic feel.  You took me in your arms and we walked to the balcony.  You squinted at the grass below us and I could hear faint music come to my ears.  And I see Thunder holding up a boombox like in that old movie I saw once in my life.  And right beside him are Mir, G.O and Seungho holding up placards that say ‘I love you.’ And then you look up and point.  I see somewhere in the distance lights that form the words ‘Will you marry me?’

            And I remember the humongous wedding we had.  A lot of people were there.  And they were happy for us.  I remember your cake smeared face as you give me a big kiss.  And our married life was exciting.  Your schedule was still busy.  But you would always leave me notes to wake up to if you couldn’t be there when I did.  Sometimes these notes would give me clues or lead me to another note.  Keeping me occupied until I left for work too.  And sometimes when I got back I would see a beautiful dinner laid out on the table.  And by romantic, sometimes it would be just a microwave pizza.  But it didn’t matter to me because you were home for dinner and that would give us some extra time to be together.   And I don’t want things to change.  NEVER. 

The anxiety I felt when you came home late

Getting more frequent by each week

“I’m leaving!” I threaten

But I don’t see a confused look like

The last time

And when I come back a week later

There’s no smile that makes my heart melt

            You started coming home later.  Sometime stumbling in at three in the morning or not coming back at all.  I would wait up for you until early morning, hoping you would come back alright.  And I started not bothering with anniversaries.  You already forgot all of them.  I get more apologies from your members than I get from you.  When you are at home, all you do is drink.  Sometimes I think I smell perfume, before I push that thought away.  You don’t even look at me with warm eyes anymore.  There’s only a dead silence when we’re eating dinner or watching tv.  I haven’t been out with you in forever. 

            So I decide to see how much you still care.  I threaten to leave.  I don’t really want to and I don’t intend to.  I just want to see you show emotion or love.  But you only look at me with blank eyes.  I can’t take it anymore.  I leave the house.  I stay at my friend’s house.  All I can do is worry.  I worry about you every night and can’t sleep.  Are you okay?  Can you take care of yourself?  I get a dream where we’re back at that time and you grab my hands.  All I can hear are the words ‘forever.’  So I immediately get up and go back home.  Back to you.  But when I get back, you don’t seem any happier to see me.  And I look at you with tears in my eyes.  I never thought that this would happen to us.  NEVER.   

Has our love come to this?

I wanted to give us another chance

To get that spark back

To float on air

But your indifference brings me back to reality

I take my stuff and leave

You don’t stop me.  You don’t say anything

So I won’t come back

NEVER

            You look at me with black eyes as you get up off the couch.  I think you’re going to hug me.  Kiss me.  Say you’re glad I came back.  But you just go to the kitchen to get something out of the fridge.  I look at you unbelieving.  Did you even notice I was gone for a week?  While I was worrying about you, did you even think about me? 

            Without a word I go to our bedroom and take out the suitcase in the closet.  The suitcase I would use countless times when I travelled with you.  I quickly stuff it with my belongings.  I can’t take everything, but I don’t care.  All I want to do is leave.  The man I love is gone.  He’s been gone for a while.  I stop in the living room and you see my suitcase.  Your eyes widen but you don’t say anything at all.  I want you to stop me.  I want you to say you want me to stay with you forever.  But you don’t.  So I take my stuff and leave you.  I leave our home and the indifferent guy I used to love.  And I won’t come back.  NEVER.