July 2010

Sungmin sighed, rolling over in his bed again as the time ticked just past 2am. The past six months had been rough on all the members, blow after blow shattering the once cohesive group. What had happened? It felt like forever ago that all thirteen of them were sitting around together just enjoying their time together. Now they'd lost three of their core members, one immediately after the other after the other.

Sungmin had honestly lost a lot of the enthusiasm he once had for the group, the glittering wonder of life as an idol being pulled right out from under him as he watched three of his closest friends just walk away, leaving nothing but shards of doubt and sadness in their wake.

Giving up on any attempt of sleep he got up, stretching as he made his way to the kitchen for a glass of water. The dorm was eerily silent, as it had been for a number of weeks now, no one feeling up to much of anything any more. Even Kyuhyun, who was normally up playing games was no where to be seen, spending the majority of his time sitting around in their room doing nothing.

Hearing a muffled crash coming from the bathroom down the hall, Sungmin hurried towards the closed door. Pushing it open gently he found an exhausted Jungsoo, surrounded by the shards of the now broken mirror as he sat on the floor, sobbing.

Without hesitating Sungmin rushed into the room, gently lifting his hyung out of the mess and sitting him on the edge of the bathtub, before turning back to clean up as much as the mess as possible. Returning to check his hyung  over for any wounds, Sungmin's heart broke as Jungsoo let out a loud whimper, looking at him with sad eyes.

“Th-this is all m-my fault. I am th-their hyung, their l-leader and I let it a-all fall apart. Th-these boys don't deserve this, wh-what have I done--”

“hyung eNOUGH” Sungmin all but shouted, pulling Jungsoo into his arms tightly. “It's not you. You have done anything and everything you could for Super Junior. None of the past is your fault, please please don't ever think that.”

Jungsoo leant against the boy, mumbling into his shoulder as he tried to calm his sobs. “B-but if i'd said something, done something different. I-if I'd seen Hankyung was suffering, or that Kibum wasn't happy enough, or stopped Youngwoon from w-walking out the door th-that night I could've changed it! I c-could've fixed it!”

As Jungsoo continued to cry, mumbling apologies and wishes into his shoulder Sungmin looks down at him, feeling a sharp pain in his heart at how fragile his hyung currently was. Shushing him quietly Sungmin gently his back, waiting for Jungsoo to calm down enough for him to talk. Soon enough Jungsoo's sobs turn into small whimpers, sniffling against Sungmin's now soaked shirt.

“Hyung, please listen to me. Everyone loves you so much and yes, mistakes were made. But you're not the only one who didn't realise what was happening. None of us realised Hankyung was suffering – no one stopped Kangin hyung even though we all thought about it. But you know what? Super Junior has dealt with hardships before, and we're going to get right back on our feet and continue swinging. Because we have our angel leader Teukie hyung to lead the way.”

“I'm not good enough to be your leader any more”

This startled Sungmin, who leant back to look Jungsoo directly into his distraught eyes. “You're wrong Teukie – you're the only one strong enough to bring this group back together. YOU are the one everyone looks for. But its okay to not be strong all the time, thats why you have me. Wasn't it you who said that we'd always end up beside each other?”

Jungsoo lets out a breathy chuckle, leaning back into Sungmin's embrace as they sit together in silence against the edge of the bathtub. As the sun rose, both of them still huddled on the cold bathroom floor pressed closely together they awoke, ready to face the new day of Super Junior together.

---

[DAY 06]

Most of the group was out for schedules when Sungmin's day off rolled around. Waking up to an empty dorm he decided to spend the day to himself, lounging around to give himself time to really think. It was now well under a week until Leeteuk's enlistment and despite Ryeowook's words Sungmin didn't feel like there was anything he could really do to change the relationship he already had with the older man.

As he settled on the couch, bowl of ramen in his hands, he heard the front door open and close before a worn out Kangin walked through the door. Giving Sungmin a smile he made his way over to the couch, throwing himself down next to his amused dongsaeng.

“Long day?”

“You have no idea” Kangin groaned, lying his head on Sungmins shoulder “I don't remember photo shoots being that tedious – I feel like my legs are about to fall off from all the standing around!” The two laughed, Sungmin watching his hyung massage his legs before they fell into a comfortable silence. Kangin broke the silence some time later, deep sigh cutting through the air as he looked carefully at the man beside him.

“So... Ryeowook tells me that you're having a little trouble getting the courage to confess to a special someone?”

At Kangin's words Sungmin blanched, choking on the mouthful of noodles he'd just taken. Swallowing in a fit of coughs he placed his bowl on the table in front of him, turning away to avoid his concerned hyung.

“I-I don't know what you're talking about Kangin h-hyung...”

“Sungmin” Kangin interrupted, sitting upright to properly look at his dongsaeng “I'm not blind, I can see what is going on for a mile away. You know that I would never say anything if I didn't have to, but Ryeowook is worried about you--”

“--so he sent you to talk me into his insane ideas?”

“no Min, of course not!” Kangin sighed, wrapping his arm around Sungmin's shoulders. “I would never pressure you to do anything you didn't want to, especially when it comes to something as sensitive as this. He just wanted me to talk to you because he wants you to understand you're not alone in your feelings, and I'm the one who knows better than anyone how much Teuk hyung cares for you.”

Sungmin looked at Kangin, concern filled eyes watching him carefully before he let out a long sigh, looking down at his fingers nervously. “...how do you even know that hyung? How could you possibly have any idea how Teukie hyung feels about me?”

“Min, this group – Teuk – has gone through hell and back over the past years, and I'm more than ashamed to be apart of the reason for that.”

Sungmin shook his head frantically, looking at his hyung with wide eyes. “no its not your fault hyun--”

“--yes. Yes it is. Its been years Min I can fully accept that I ed up big time. I walked out that door knowing that I was already in trouble, but I went anyway because I was stupid enough to think I could handle myself. I know now that I very nearly broke this family apart, and I'll be forever thankful that it was held together the way it was. But you want to know what saved us?”

“what hyung?”

“YOU. You saved us – but more importantly, you saved him. Your strength is what what Teuk will always need, what he will always depend on as long as this group keeps going. If anyone was going to keep this group and its members on their feet no matter what the situation, Leeteuk would be the one, working the way he does, and most importantly having the strength to do so, as long as he has your support backing him up.

You will always be the one he turns to first when he needs someone. Not me, not Heechul, not Yesung. You. And as long as I've known him, he has cared just as much about you as you care about him Min. Hasn't everything you two have gone through together all these years proven that to you? Just... try to consider the fact that no matter what the outcome, he will always love you. Platonic or not, he would never push you away for how you feel, you're not going to lose him over this.”

As Kangin's words suk in Sungmin nodded, slowly starting to understand what his friends were talking about. Seeing the affirmation Kangin smiled, ruffling the younger mans hair affectionately. 

“Give what Ryeo has been saying to you some more thought okay? He may be a pain in the but he has a knack for knowing what he's talking about.”

Laughing Sungmin smiled at Kangin, who got up claiming he needed some sort of food before he passed out. Left alone on the couch Sungmin let out a shaky breath, taking in everything his hyung had said to him.

Maybe this whole love thing wasn't such a long shot after all.