THREE

Sehun did hold him that night after he slipped in under the covers next to Baekhyun when he came home at midnight. The simple task of breathing suddenly became impossible for Baekhyun to get done as he squeezed his eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. He was sure his face was swollen from the hours spent just crying, the words that left Sehun’s mouth earlier that day still lingering and stabbing at his heart. But he couldn’t help the sob that passed his lips at the feel of Sehun’s arm around his waist. He couldn’t remember the last time Sehun had held him that way.

And so he lets his body do what it has longed to do; he turned around and buried his face into Sehun’s chest, his tears freely falling as he latched himself close to Sehun. His emotions were a mixture of pain and happiness. Pain because of how he had been treated lately and happy because finally, finally Sehun was holding him again. Sehun kissed the top of his head and pulled him closer and at that moment, Baekhyun believed that they do have hope, that they’re still intact.

Sehun whispered into his ear that he was sorry, that he hadn’t meant what he said. I never regretted meeting you. And Baekhyun would remember those words as well as the way the weight on his chest lifted off of him. He would remember the way Sehun held him tighter and kissed his forehead, lacing their fingers together and letting his lips touch Baekhyun’s knuckles. He didn’t stop crying when Sehun looked him in the eyes, for the first time in a long time, but his sobs were even and he didn’t miss the waves of emotions that played in Sehun’s hazel orbs. And although there was love in those eyes, there was also confusion, hesitance, almost as if Sehun is no longer sure of what he was feeling towards Baekhyun. But Baekhyun wasn’t ready, he would never be ready, so he ignored those looks and once again buried his face into Sehun’s neck. He savored Sehun’s scent because he’ll never know when he’ll be able to do it again. He doesn’t say the words that played in his mind because he didn’t want to let go. He wasn’t ready to let go.

He only lets Sehun tighten his arms around him, but still the tears never stopped.

He knows in his heart that the end was coming, however much he wished for it not to.

The fights became constant. They would argue over the smallest of things and even though every night they made up, Baekhyun could still feel the sting of Sehun’s every word. He gets to kiss Sehun again and he gets to memorize the scent that only Sehun carries. But somehow it wasn’t the same anymore. Sehun’s kisses were just his lips meeting Baekhyun’s, lack of any true emotions behind it. He forgets to say the three words that he used to say every night and day. Sehun’s eyes no longer shine the way they did before, and the smile he gives Baekhyun was forced and insincere, as if he only does it for the sake of doing it. Baekhyun smiles back every time; he was grateful that Sehun was still there and he doesn’t complain.

He selfishly, shameless and desperately needed Oh Sehun for his life to keep going.

He does everything to possibly make Sehun look at him the same way he did back when they first started. He yearned for Sehun’s love, felt that those kisses and hugs weren’t enough because they lack of everything else. He wanted Sehun to be sure of his love again. He wanted Sehun to love him and never stop. But Sehun was slowly slipping away from his grasp and Baekhyun finds himself staring emptily out the window on days that he wasn’t out working. He tries not to cry as he remembers the times from before. He tries to relive those emotions he felt back when Sehun gazes at him with so much love, so much passion, that he couldn’t help but let his lips tremble as he held back those happy tears. He could remember it in detail, but he couldn’t feel it anymore.

Baekhyun remembers the way Sehun held him while they stood at the seaside, arms wrapped around Baekhyun as his back rested against Sehun’s chest. He closed his eyes at the memory and let it melt with the dream that came as he drifted off to sleep. In that dream slash memory, Sehun tightened his arms around Baekhyun and kisses the side of Baekhyun’s neck, the skin just below his ear, their hands clasped against Baekhyun’s torso. Sehun whispered ‘I love you’s into his ear and he closes his eyes at the warmth that filled up his chest. Sehun’s kiss on his lips when he turned Baekhyun around so they were face to face was laced with love and affection. Baekhyun sobbed at the sweetness of it, gasping because of the way his heart jumped. Sehun spoke words that Baekhyun held close to him, words he had believed in.

“The day I die will be the day you get taken away from me, and even then, Baekhyun,” Sehun had kissed his lips once again and when they parted, Baekhyun rested his head on Sehun’s shoulder, his eyes closed and lips stretched into a smile. He believes. “I will never stop loving you.”

Baekhyun wants to keep believing. He smiles when he sees Sehun comes home, despite the tears that pricked at his eyes, threatening to fall. He smiled because Sehun came home and because Sehun still remember him. He held on to those words whispered into his ear; the only ones that kept him standing. He tries to feel that happiness of love again, but all he was reminded of was the harsh reality that had settled over what they used to have. It hurts when he smiles because whenever he does, his heart clenched. His mind knows where his heart remained ignorant. His mind tells him that it was over, that he was only wasting his time trying to fix something that could no longer be fixed but his heart persuaded him to stay. His heart, in general, was a devil with the wings of an angel. His heart wouldn’t stop believing and Baekhyun wouldn’t stop trusting it. He abandoned his rational mind because he still believed.

The weight grew a permanent place on his chest. He was home and busying himself with anything and everything that he could do because semester break had arrived and he had no classes to teach. He cleans the house more times than one in a day, and he cooks and repeated everything just so his free time would be occupied. But even then Baekhyun would pause in the middle of all those chores because his mind decided to bring him back to wonderful memories that now only brought pain to his heart. And his hands wouldn’t stop moving as he attempted to finish the chores that he had done earlier, but his tears fell and his heart cracked. It was too much that his knees could no longer hold him up. He would end up on the floor and crying into his hands. Because no matter how much he pretends to be happy, he could no longer feel that way.

He loves Sehun and he always will. It was the only truth that he was certain of. Sehun still makes him nervous just by looking into his eyes and Sehun still sends electrifying sparks to his skin when they touched. He finds himself constantly staring blankly at anything, his mind repeatedly bringing him back to places he had so missed. He wished he could go back and find out what he did wrong.  Maybe if he had known then he would have been able to prevent it; maybe he would have succeeded in keeping Sehun where he wants the younger to be. But he had no such ability and all he was left to do was squeeze his eyes closed again so the tears wouldn’t come.

They still came.

Jongdae’s relationship with Jongin was still going strong. One time Baekhyun bumped into the couple while on the way back home from getting some groceries. It was with great effort that he managed to keep his smile and not break down when they asked where Sehun is. Sehun wasn’t there. Sehun won’t be there anymore. But he couldn’t say it because some part of him still believes that the connection he shares with Sehun can still be fixed. He believes that if he tries harder, it will all go back to the way it was before. While once he had never been envious of the way Jongdae and Jongin expressed the love they have for each other, now he watched them hand in hand with a pained expression because he wishes that Sehun would still look at him the way Jongin gazes at Jongdae. Almost four years, and Jongin was still obviously in love with Jongdae.

Baekhyun almost wishes Jongdae wasn’t as close to him as he was, because then Jongdae wouldn’t have been able to read the emotions Baekhyun doesn’t say aloud but lingered in his eyes. Maybe then he wouldn’t cry again once Jongdae brought him to the home they once shared and asked what really happened. The problem is that he doesn’t really know what happened and he told Jongdae exactly that. He doesn’t want it to come out as Sehun being the bad guy, so he covered his story up with excuses that Sehun may just be tired from all the working. He doesn’t say about how dead Sehun’s eyes looked even when he smiles, doesn’t mention the fact that Sehun no longer kissed him with the same passion he used to before this. He wants to believe his own lie, but this time his heart abandoned him and agreed to his mind. It wouldn’t believe.

Jongdae called Jongin to say that he won’t be coming home because he decided, against Baekhyun’s protest, to keep Baekhyun company. Jongin wasn’t home either, and Jongdae says his boyfriend understands. It was a surprise to Baekhyun how he fell asleep with a smile that night, curled up against Jongdae’s side and loving the way his best friend’s warmth was calming him down. He couldn’t remember the last time he fell asleep so easily, without having to shed a tear or two at the emptiness beside him, even though Sehun still lay there.

Baekhyun’s dream brought him back to that seaside and all he could hear was Sehun’s voice, louder than the crashing waves before them.

I will never stop loving you.

They say it’s really over when you find that you’re more in love with the memories than with the person standing in front of you. Baekhyun was close to believing it, but the way his heart flutters upon the sight of Sehun coming home told him otherwise. He thinks it was impossible to stop loving Sehun the way he always does and always will. He still finds Sehun’s sleeping face the most beautiful he had seen and he still laced their fingers together as he lay wide awake beside the man he loves. He sees Sehun’s smile behind closed lids, directed and only meant for him to see. He still kisses Sehun’s cheek in the morning before he leaves for work and he does it all not because it was a habit but because he still believes, no matter how hard, that they can make it.

The fights stopped abruptly. Baekhyun doesn’t know if it was a good thing because now only silence filled up the gap between them. He sees the confusion in Sehun’s eyes but there was also guilt and apology and he wanted so badly to know what changed. He doesn’t ask because he didn’t want to end up fighting again. Every raised voice broke his already cracked heart and he wanted to keep it intact for as long as Sehun is still with him. He needed it as much as he needed Sehun. He acknowledged the fact that he was weak, but he couldn’t let go and he wished that Sehun wouldn’t let him go. He would completely break down if Sehun ever does.

He feels that he should end his own misery. Lonely days made for thinking up decisions he couldn’t make. If indeed he was the only one still in love in this relationship then maybe he should be less selfish and let Sehun go. Their ending was somehow clear in Baekhyun’s mind, and it felt like it has already happened. Why does he keep holding on to something that is clearly slipping away? And why does he keep letting himself fight alone in this relationship? Where is Sehun? He knows he should end this, that he should finally let go. But then Sehun came home and Sehun shot him the smallest of smiles and Baekhyun thinks he should wait another day. Another day in Sehun’s arms, another day kissed by Sehun, although the lack of emotions kills him. Another day in the little paradise that was slowly fading away.

He may have found the reason to Sehun’s change of heart when he decided to tag along with Jongdae to the club, with the sole intention of watching their boyfriends perform. It had been a long time since Baekhyun’s seen Sehun on stage and he had been excited because he couldn’t wait for those sensations to come running back to him; the sweet reminder of how he had felt the first time he saw Sehun on stage. He was hoping Sehun would once again feel the way he felt back then when their eyes met for the first time and his smile had been directed to Baekhyun. The chances were thin but Baekhyun was willing to risk it. He was in desperate measure.

Of course, it all came crashing down all around him when his eyes spotted Sehun. No, not the upset Sehun who came home smiling forcefully at him. It was the Sehun he had first met almost four years ago, smiling and laughing, but they weren’t for him. He sees the way Sehun had looked at him before, but this time it was for someone else. His heart was shattering but he had to hold on to himself. He couldn’t break down. Jongdae sees it and Jongdae insisted that he stays, so that Sehun wouldn’t have any other choice but introduce him as his boyfriend. And Sehun did see him; Sehun did introduce him to his friend. Baekhyun smiles and he shook hands with Sehun’s friend. Luhan was his name. He had round eyes and an endearing smile as his eyes flickered between Sehun and Baekhyun, secretly hoping that he would still be able to be more than friends with Sehun. Baekhyun could see it somehow, and even though it was breaking him inside, he thought that maybe he should really lose his grip onto Sehun and let him be free.

It all made sense now that he had seen it with his own eyes. Luhan looked like everything a girl or a boy would want in a package. He was complete with good looks, good hair, a smile that lights up his whole face and a talent. He dances almost as perfectly as Sehun does on stage, side by side, moving in perfect sync to only mean that they have been seeing each other more than Baekhyun would like to know for the rehearsals. Baekhyun blended amongst the crowd of cheering audience, vision constantly blurring as he watched the man he loves shares a genuine smile with his dancing partner. The look on Sehun’s face was one Baekhyun longed to see.

For the first time in a long time, Sehun laughed as he walked next to Baekhyun, arm wrapped around Baekhyun’s shoulders. They bid goodbye to Luhan, Jongdae and Jongin and went home together. Sehun occasionally kissed Baekhyun’s temple and he closed his eyes at the warmth of Sehun’s lips. He missed it but there was this sense of freedom in his heart and he was almost too certain that tonight he wouldn’t be able to sleep, even though his heart would be lighter.

He called for Sehun right after he closed the door to their house. Sehun stopped and Sehun turned to face him. He likes the way Sehun’s features were relaxed, his eyes soft and not tensed the way they had been for the past few months. Baekhyun smiled at this beautiful sight and he closed the distance between them, arms going around Sehun’s torso as he held the younger boy close to him. He memorized the warmth and the way Sehun wraps his own arms around Baekhyun. He listens to the beating of Sehun’s heart, his cheek pressed closely to Sehun’s chest. He closed his eyes because he could feel the familiar pricking of tears beginning to pool. He didn’t want to cry, at least not yet. His heart was beating too fast and he tightened his arms around Sehun for fear that his knees might buckle under him.  He lifted his head to press a kiss onto Sehun’s collarbone, praying that it won’t be the last time yet somehow knowing that it will be.

“I love you.” He whispered into Sehun’s skin, feeling Sehun tensed against him. He only has one question and he was certain that whatever Sehun’s answer is, he would finally be free. He pulled apart just slightly, so he could look into Sehun’s brown eyes.  “Do you love me, Sehun?”

He could almost hear his heart shattering when he saw the confusion intensified in Sehun’s eyes. Sehun hesitated; he didn’t know the answer to that question. But it was all that Baekhyun needed. He bit at his bottom lip to keep it from trembling and tried his best to smile up at the man he loves, the man he will always love. It felt like he no longer had the energy to move when he reluctantly unwrap his arms from around Sehun, stepping back so their chests were no longer touching. His hand quickly came up to wipe at the tear that fell and his smile might have turned out like a frown but he tried, god knows he tried. Sehun looked apologetic, but he doesn’t want Sehun’s sympathy. He only ever wanted Sehun’s love. He fought the urge to run a finger down the side of Sehun’s face, afraid that he might not be able to let go. He was finally doing it and it was for the best.

“Thank you, Sehun.” Baekhyun began, closing his eyes because he can’t seem to be able to stop the tears that kept coming and because he couldn’t bear to look at Sehun any longer. “Thank you for everything you’ve given me. I will always love you,” He opened his eyes when he said it and he hated the way his voice broke. “Nothing can change that, but I guess you and I both know it’s over.”

Baekhyun almost wished Sehun would take him back into those long, warm arms but all Sehun did was step forward just slightly, bent down to leave a soft kiss on the corner of Baekhyun’s mouth, just like he did on their very first dinner. Baekhyun’s eyes shuttered close again at the feel of Sehun’s lips and it was with great effort, nails digging into his own palms, that he didn’t pull Sehun back when the younger boy walked away and out of the house.

It was over. He had finally let go. He should let his heart rest; it was finally free.

But all he could do as he curled up in his half-empty bed and listened to Sehun’s motorcycle roared off, was cry into the blanket that used to belong to the boy who’d left his heart.

“Do you love me, Sehun?”

Yes, yes I do, was what Sehun said in his head. But instead he lets Baekhyun believe that he no longer loves him, he lets Baekhyun step away and cry. And all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around the boy who still kept his heart but all he did was place a kiss on Baekhyun’s soft skin. He would miss Baekhyun’s touch and he would miss Baekhyun’s smile. And he decided that maybe Baekhyun would be happy once he steps out of the house because he could only bring pain into those beautiful eyes. Because for the past few months, all he did was keep Baekhyun in a cage of his confusion. He had hurt Baekhyun because he was too selfish to let Baekhyun go while his head plays with what his heart really wants. Because he had let someone else in.

He doesn’t mean half of what he always says but every time hurt flashes across Baekhyun’s chocolate eyes, instead of taking back his words, he lets Baekhyun believe all the lies that spilled through his lips. You’re a waste of my time. No, he wasn’t. He was everything in those gaps that filled up half of Sehun’s life, but he doesn’t tell Baekhyun that. I wish I never met you. No, he didn’t. He would never have known the true meaning of life and love if he hadn’t locked eyes with Baekhyun that first night, if he hadn’t agreed to Jongdae’s request to hand Baekhyun the car keys. And again, Sehun doesn’t tell Baekhyun. He never told Baekhyun. And now it’s too late.

Maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to work with Luhan, the new dancer living up his dreams in Korea. Maybe if he hadn’t looked into Luhan’s eyes, he would never have forgotten the love in Baekhyun’s. Maybe if he hadn’t let Luhan in, he would still have Baekhyun. But really, those weren’t anyone’s fault but his. He shouldn’t have let himself forget Baekhyun’s heart in his grasp; he should’ve held on. Because now that Baekhyun isn’t here with him anymore, all he could feel was that fresh love he had felt almost four years ago; the feelings he ever had only for Baekhyun.

Baekhyun has the most beautiful smile and the brightest eyes Sehun had ever looked into. Baekhyun laughs the merriest and loves the most. He kissed Sehun in ways he had never been kissed. He looks at Sehun with so much love, raw in his eyes, as if Sehun was his own personal miracle. Baekhyun gave Sehun everything. Baekhyun was, in fact, Sehun’s angel.

An angel he once had but had now lost.

A/N: Angst. I don't know if it's angsty enough for ya'll but I shed a couple of tears writing this one. I don't know why I hurt Baek so bad like that. Shall we have a fluffy SeBaek after I finish this one? No? Okay. 

I love you alls.