TWO

|| Listen to Ross Copperman: Holding On and Letting Go. Put on repeat. You will feel. ||

Sehun smells oddly like a baby. It’s one of the reasons why Baekhyun loves Oh Sehun. It wasn’t just the way he looks on the outside, robbing Baekhyun off his breath whenever Sehun decides it’s the day to look drop dead gorgeous. It wasn’t just how well he dances on stage, his aura pulling in almost everyone in the club that kept their eyes on him throughout his performance. It was also how adorable he had been when he asked Baekhyun out for a ‘friendly’ dinner the week after they first met, the same place at about the same time. Baekhyun had tagged along with Jongdae when the younger boy came out of his room wearing a neon blue jacket on that Friday night because all he could think of for the whole of that week was Oh Sehun. Sure they had a few conversations when Sehun called every night, but Baekhyun had wanted to see him in person.

Baekhyun remembers all the little things. He remembers how the friendly date had turned out not so friendly after all, because Sehun had been occasionally purposely grazing their fingers, gazed into his eyes longer than normal friends do and kissed Baekhyun right at the corner of his lips when they bid each other goodnight. It had Baekhyun shivering as he pleaded for more, but it seemed that Sehun was content on just that as he backed away from Baekhyun who stood at his doorway. There was one thing that Baekhyun was certain of as Sehun hopped onto his motorcycle, too reckless to even put on a helmet as he drove off, and it was that it wouldn’t be the last time he sees Oh Sehun. And he was glad to know that Sehun was certain of that too when the younger called him just an hour later, asking him on a real date this time. Baekhyun’s answer had no hesitance in it. His yes was not too quick yet not too slow, and he could hear the smile in Sehun’s voice just as his phone beeped, signaling that the battery is dying on him.

He soon learns that Sehun’s smile was only ever directed at him. Their first official date turned out incredibly amazing, and even though Sehun left him at his door wanting more than just a kiss on his cheek, he still went to bed smiling. He couldn’t forget how warm Sehun’s hand had been when their fingers intertwined, couldn’t forget that shine in Sehun’s eyes when they gazed at each other in comfortable silences, speaking with no words but gestures and smiles. Sehun is an open person and he didn’t hesitate telling Baekhyun things about himself. It wasn’t all there is to tell, Baekhyun sensed, but he was happy that Sehun felt comfortable enough with him to share some of what he was willing to talk about. Baekhyun, on the other hand, had nothing to hide. He tells Sehun that being a teacher had always been his dream since he was young and Sehun congratulated him for having his dreams come true.

Sehun finally kissed him full on his lips on their second official date, the fourth time they’d met. Sehun’s lips were soft and they mold perfectly against Baekhyun’s and he decided then and there that he had fallen into a well of love. The sparks that tingled at his fingers when Sehun wraps his arms around him was something that he craved for. It gave him a good feeling, one of satisfactory and euphoria. There was just something about being in the presence of Oh Sehun; Baekhyun feels that he is the calmest, the safest and happiest – although the last part was a bit of an exaggeration seeing he’d only seen Sehun four times in that month.

The exaggeration was the truth, however, because for the following years of Baekhyun’s life, he had never once felt unworthy of himself. He didn’t get the chance to. Sehun was always there to remind him that he is needed and wanted. No, Sehun doesn’t have the money to bring him to fancy places, but he makes it up to Baekhyun by bringing him to the seaside and embraced him in a back hug as he whispered his words of love into Baekhyun’s ear. Baekhyun didn’t mind that Sehun didn’t come from a wealthy family; he didn’t mind that they spend their Fridays having Chinese take-outs. Because to Baekhyun, it was all those little things that mattered. It was how Sehun makes sure Baekhyun knows that he loves the older male, enough for Baekhyun to never even once doubt it. And he really doesn’t because Sehun never gave him a reason to.

Jongdae moved out from their shared house to move in with Jongin. He had been seeing Jongin a week longer than Baekhyun had been with Sehun, and it became a tradition that they spend their yearly anniversaries together. It was amazing and beautiful because he gets to spend the special day with his best friend and Sehun with his. Baekhyun was never envious of the way Jongdae and Jongin love each other. It was adorable but it wasn’t the kind that Baekhyun shares with Sehun. While Jongin provides bitter comments in a way to show his love, Sehun pulls Baekhyun into the warm confines of his arms and hold him long enough to show how he truly feels. Sehun kisses his tears away when he cries – he only ever does out of happiness and overflowing love – and Sehun makes sure he will fall asleep with a smile. Sehun was everything that Baekhyun ever wanted.

In the years of being with Sehun, Baekhyun finds that he is the most at peace when he buries his face into the crook of Sehun’s neck. Giving random pecks on Sehun’s neck was a habbit that had grown on him since the first time he did it on their third date. The scent that Sehun carries was an addiction that Baekhyun could never get enough of. He smells like how a baby would and Baekhyun knows how a baby smells like from the numerous amount of times he’d spent at his brother’s house in Hongdae, for the sole reason of playing with his then baby nephew, Taehyung. Baby Taehyung had smelled wonderful and Baekhyun held him for most of the time because he liked the scent. He couldn’t help but thank fate that Sehun smells exactly like that. It isn’t obvious or anything; one would only be able to sniff a whiff of it if they get closer to Sehun than necessary. Baekhyun rejoiced at the fact that no one else gets to do that but him.

It was only right that Baekhyun feels his happiness would last for as long as he shall live. He had never felt more content, happier than when he was with Sehun. Sehun makes him feel worthy, like nothing could be better than what he does have and he wouldn’t have it any other way. They spent every night in each other’s arms and Baekhyun loved the way Sehun wouldn’t let himself fall asleep as long as he knows Baekhyun hadn’t. Sometimes he pretended to drift off just so he could admire Sehun’s sleeping face because he never gets to. And when he finally did see the peace that settled onto Sehun’s features the first time, he decided then that it was one of the most beautiful sight he had ever laid eyes on. He wanted to be able to see that face whenever he wakes up in the morning. And he was able to because he would be the one waking up first, ready for work. Sehun prepares him breakfast when he could actually just continue sleeping.

That’s the little things that Baekhyun loves and cherish, because without those little things, he wouldn’t have known the true meaning of love. It was the little things, when put together, that summed up the big thing that fills up his heart.

Baekhyun doesn’t really remember when it started. They were happy; hugging and kissing and just holding each other in one day then completely ignoring the other’s presence in the next. He doesn’t remember being angry at Sehun, nor does he remember angering the younger boy. It may have started when Sehun began doing freelance dancing again every night. The blond younger was never home anymore, and Baekhyun couldn’t bring himself to stay up until three in the morning just so they could fall asleep together. He had to go to school to teach. He didn’t mind it at first because Sehun had looked so happy to be able to perform again with Jongin, and that smile Sehun wears was one of the things Baekhyun lived to see.

Sometimes he waited for Sehun until he comes home; fighting the urge to let his eyes close for fear that he won’t be awake when Sehun arrives. Sehun seemed to appreciate it at first but then he started coming home so late and Baekhyun could no longer keep himself awake. Their mornings were no longer like before. Sehun slept through breakfast and didn’t even stir when Baekhyun kissed his cheek whenever he leaves for work. He tried telling himself that Sehun was only tired. He would ask Sehun to stop the freelance dancing but dancing was Sehun’s biggest dream and he didn’t want to be the one to end Sehun’s happiness. He understood the changes that took place but he finds that he couldn’t come to accept it. He was scared of things he never questions before.

But the signs were there.

Sehun no longer smiles at Baekhyun the way he used to, if he even smile at all. The shining spark that was once present in Sehun’s chocolate eyes had slowly faded and it brought a whole new weight to settle over Baekhyun’s chest. What he felt for Sehun three years before still stayed in his heart, only growing stronger if it was even possible. He was only afraid that Sehun could no longer feel that way about him anymore. In the lonely nights spent on his bed with Sehun off at some club entertaining other people, Baekhyun found himself staring up at the ceiling and praying for Sehun to never stop loving him. It was selfish and unfair to Sehun if the latter did stop loving him, but Baekhyun couldn’t imagine a life without Sehun in it. Sehun is his life.

The kisses he placed on Sehun’s lips weren’t often returned. He greeted Sehun with a smile, a kiss on Sehun’s jawline and cheek, but Sehun doesn’t smile back, he doesn’t kiss back. He only kept his expressionless face and walked away. And Baekhyun… Baekhyun kept chasing after him. It stung deep in his chest but he kept the smile as he prepared for dinner. Sehun’s just tired, often he reassured himself. He would like to believe it but he finds that it was hard because Sehun no longer showed that he cares. At times Sehun would just leave when he called for dinner, saying something about eating out with a couple of his friends, leaving behind a broken-hearted Baekhyun, who was left to eat alone. He couldn’t hold back the tears when they came, and he lets them fall down his cheeks as he pushed at his food, his appetite long gone.

Often Baekhyun spends his nights alone huddled in Sehun’s blanket on the couch, gaze staring blankly into the TV screen. He would close his eyes and smile at the memory of their beginning. The emotions he had felt then were somehow still fresh in both his mind and heart.  He longed to relive those moments again because he missed it. But those memories also come with the heart-wrenching reminder of the reality he was in. The stab at his heart would return and as much as he tries to hold back the prickle of tears in his eyes, in the end he cried more into the blanket. He was more afraid to grasp onto the truth that is obviously presented to him. Sehun no longer feels the love he once poured into Baekhyun’s soul; he could sense it in the way Sehun stops looking into his eyes. Sehun stopped kissing him on his lips, only limited to his cheek or never at all. He flinched when Baekhyun kissed his neck and he ignores the pained expression that crosses Baekhyun’s face whenever he does.

It came to a point where the only time Baekhyun could be close to Sehun was when the younger boy was asleep. Sehun doesn’t wait for Baekhyun to sleep first anymore and his back faces Baekhyun more times than Baekhyun liked. It was when Sehun began to snore softly that Baekhyun brought himself closer to the blond, letting his arm curl over Sehun’s torso and leaving a soft kiss on the nape of Sehun’s neck. He cries softly into the back of Sehun’s shirt because somehow the ache in his chest was no longer tolerable. He misses Sehun so much.  

He held on to the only hope that he has left, the only thing that tells him their love still existed; Sehun still comes home.

Baekhyun managed, however, to not cry the first time Sehun raised his voice at him. He flinched and blinked, ignoring the way his heartbeat raced against his chest. He wanted to be as equally angry as Sehun looked but he couldn’t because he really wasn’t. He couldn’t remember how it started. Sehun had looked angry the moment he stepped into the house and the raised voices began. He was only certain that it had been a small issue. But Sehun obviously wanted to make it big. Somehow in the middle of it, the topic strayed to one of Baekhyun being unhappy about Sehun’s job. He couldn’t believe the accusation but he had wanted to clarify it. He only wished he hadn’t mentioned about Sehun never being home.

“Don’t try to deny it, Baekhyun. You’re a ing bull.” Sehun had spat, eyes filled with only anger and something else Baekhyun didn’t want to see.

“What are you talking about?” Baekhyun snapped back, incredulous.

Sehun scoffed, crossing his arms across his chest. “You should know the moment you said yes to me that this would happen. I’m a dancer, Baekhyun. I do it for a living. I’m not smart like you and I know that. The least you could do is understand.”

“Sehun, I do understand. Why would I still be here –” It was also obvious that Sehun doesn’t want to hear anything Baekhyun wanted to say because he lifted up his hand to stop Baekhyun, closing the expanding distance between them.

Baekhyun hates the way he cringed under Sehun’s gaze and he definitely hates the way Sehun was looking at him. There was no hint of the love he thought Sehun bared for him. “I wish I never met you. You’ve been nothing but a waste of my time.”

And if he was the strong, independent man he had been three years ago, he would’ve held his head high as Sehun stormed out of the house and let him go. Instead he lets his knees gave way underneath him. He was weak and he needed Sehun to stand on his own two feet. It was a shame he had given everything and was left with nothing. It was even more shameful that even after the painful words Sehun had thrown at him, he was still expecting Sehun to hold him that night. 

A/N: Part 2 is up. I don't know if it touches you guys or not. I hope it does. It does feel very angsty when I wrote it but I couldn't feel it when I read it over. Maybe because I wrote this and I'm never satisfied with my own works? I think. Anyway, I hope you all liked the update. Two more parts to go.

Your comments will make my day, honestly. <3