It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe that I'm all alone
At least I have her love, the city she loves me
Lonely as I am, together we cry

It has been a week since Jonghyun and Jinki returned to the city. Neither had attempted to return to Jinki’s old house to grab any of his belongings. Jinki refused to go back home to retrieve anything, and Jonghyun knew that it was for the better. The less Jinki has to remind him of his broken home, the better. Jinki sold his apartment in the city so that he may be able to pay rent with Jonghyun and support him financially. True to his prediction, Jonghyun was fired immediately upon arrival. However, as he left the office of Jinki’s family doctor, he released the breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding, more out of relief than regret. When it came to Jinki, Jonghyun realized he could never regret any of his past decisions.

Back home, both men try to find a semblance of balance within the four walls that encompass them. Jonghyun continues to watch silently as Jinki suffers. Whether it be over the media headlines announcing the latest update within Jinki’s family, how they had, in an act of selflessness, adopted a young boy, and opted to raise him. How, the young boy was now the heir to the family business due to ‘Master Jinki’s failing health that sadly keeps him bedridden’ as put forth by the family butler. Or it be over the constant reminders Jinki kept seeing of his sister wherever his gaze lands.

Jonghyun just sits on the sidelines and closes his eyes, hoping that one day his heart will stop squeezing in pain, that one day, Jinki will learn to celebrate his sister’s life rather than lament her death. That one day, he will learn to look for love again, whether it be with Jonghyun or someone else. That one day, he will turn around and see Jonghyun standing behind him, as always, arms open. But for now, Jonghyun just sits on the sidelines and closes his eyes. He has to let Jinki deal with his pain in his own way.

It has been some weeks since Jinki mentioned Onew, or cried. While some may think this is a development, Jonghyun knows that this is Jinki’s way of reverting back to his introvert self. He hurries home each day from classes, not realizing how tight his fists are clenched, until he sees Jinki in the apartment, and the half-moon crescent scars that seem to have etched themselves permanently onto his palms.

It was a Tuesday night when Jonghyun returns home to see not Jinki, but a note instead. The half-moon crescents deepen as does the frown on Jonghyun’s face: Jinki had gone clubbing.

It was not until Jonghyun, having turned around immediately, grabbing his wallet and hailing a cab, was halfway to the club that he realized something. Jinki had signed off on the note as himself: Jinki. Jonghyun closed his eyes and tried to think if this was good or bad.

Once inside the club, Jonghyun realized just how much he stood out, and just how difficult it would be to find Jinki. He spent some time searching the top floor of the club, and trying to decipher if Jinki was one of the many grinding bodies on the dance floor. Having no such luck, a defeated Jonghyun fou7nd himself fighting back tears of frustration and heading to the bar.

“What can I get you?” The man behind the bar asked, a cheerful grin gracing a beautiful mouth that had many girls swooning.

“Long Island Long Island Iced Tea please.” Jonghyun bit his lip to keep a broken sigh from escaping. Where could he be?

“You seem a bit distressed. Is there something you’d like to talk about? I’m here all night.” The bartender set about mixing Vodka, Gin and the other various ingredients that were sure to hit Jonghyun in the morning if he kept it up.

“It’s just…I’m looking for someone here, and obviously I haven’t found them yet.”

“Who is it? Is it someone special?” The bartender leaned forward, pushing the drink in Jonghyun’s hands and giving him his full attention.

“Yeah…someone special. I don’t know how often he comes here but maybe you know him?” Jonghyun looked up to meet the smiling eyes of the bartender.

“If they come here often, then sure! I might be able to help. It would be helpful if you gave me a name to go by though!” The bartender grinned.

“Jinki, no, Onew.” Jonghyun decided at the last moment, and bit his lip, anxiously awaiting the bartender’s answer.

“Oh. If you’re looking for Onew, you’ll find him in the washrooms, occupied.” The bartender’s features panned out to those of pity.

“Thank you-“ Jonghyun cut off, not knowing the bartender’s name.

“Chanyeol.” The bartender smiled. “Oh, but if you’re looking for Jinki, then tonight, he’s over by that table there.” Chanyeol pointed to the booths on the side of the club.

Jonghyun regarded Chanyeol with wide eyes, confused as to how he knew about Jinki and Onew.

“He comes here more often than you’d think. And he has a penchant for the harder drinks I mix. You’d be surprised to know just how well I know him.” Chanyeol stopped his expression solemn. “If he really means something to you, then I suggest you show him his worth soon hyung, before there is no one left to show it to. I hope you understand what I’m trying to get to. Jinki and Onew are both self-destructive. And unfortunately, it’s not just one of them who are addicted to pain.”

Jonghyun smiled at Chanyeol as he downed his drink and headed off in the direction the latter had pointed to, only to stop short when he came upon a passed out Jinki.

“Any clue what happened here?” Jonghyun looked at the girl whose hands were buried in Jinki’s hair.

“No clue. He just took some of the pills from that guy, and passed out here.” The girl shrugged, nonchalantly.

Jonghyun blinked at her incredulously before moving forth to pick up a lifeless Jinki off her lap. The club was packed with many bodies, all simultaneously gyrating to mind-numbing music that was too much bass and too little music. Jonghyun maneuvered around the masses before exiting the club and hailing a cab back to the apartment.  Once he entered home, he lay Jinki down in his room and began to peel the layers off him, trying to ignore the feeling of sadness that gripped his heart in its grip.

“Why won’t you let me in?” Jonghyun whispered to Jinki’s still form before softly closing the door behind him.

“We’re going on a picnic.” Jonghyun announced the next morning as Jinki came out of his room.

“OK.” He replied after a pause.

“OK?” Jonghyun asked.

“OK.” Jinki smiled as he grabbed an apple and headed back to his room, showing no signs of last night ever happening.

Shrugging, Jonghyun went back to packing sandwiches.

“This is a special park for me.” Jonghyun put down the picnic basket on the blanket and lay himself beside Jinki.

“How so?” Jinki turned over to look at Jonghyun, blinking his eyes. It took a moment for Jonghyun to remember how to breathe again.

“I came here for my first date with my first boyfriend. In a way, it holds a lot of good memories for me.” Jonghyun turned over so he could look into Jinki’s eyes again.

“Why good memories? Did he not break your heart? Shouldn’t this park, and everything associated with the memory of him being you pain and sadness instead?” Jinki was close enough that Jonghyun could feel his hot breath fanning his face. He closed his eyes and relished the closeness between him and Jinki for a moment before opening his eyes again, only to see Jinki staring at him.

“I choose to instead celebrate the good memories I have of him. I celebrate the fact that this was the park I came to, the first real date I had, after coming out. After finally being who I was and accepting it. I choose to look on the positive side.” Jonghyun bit his lip, hoping he was being subtle enough to nudge Jinki in the right direction of thinking. To finally come to terms with his noona’s death, to celebrate what they had, rather than lament what they couldn’t.

Jinki smiled bitterly. “I know what you’re saying, Jonghyun. I hear you clearly, but I think what you’re asking of me might take more time that you’d think.” Turning to lie on his back, Jinki chose to instead stare at the clear blue sky instead. “Do you think you can remain patient enough to stay till then?”

Jonghyun’s heart stuttered. “I’ll stay for as long as you ask me to.” He replied, fingers seeking Jinki’s over the blanket, eyes never leaving his face.

“Then I might just ask you to selfishly stay forever.” Jinki turned to look at Jonghyun again. “Because I don’t think I could take you leaving me.”

Jonghyun felt like he was drowning. He was finding it hard to breathe, so he concentrated instead on Jinki’s face. His eyes, his hair, his nose, the small curve of his lips.  “What are you saying?” Jonghyun finally managed.

“I’m telling you, in my own way, that I’ve come to truly care for you. I’m saying that last night at the club, when I sought out the warmth of someone’s skin against mine, I felt sick because it wasn’t you. I’m saying that every time I pick up a blade to make a new cut, I think of your smile and your voice, and somehow, somewhere along the way, you managed to make me happy enough to..to throw out my blade, to stop throwing up everything I eat, to stop feeling like I was worth nothing. And last night, I guess these feelings got too much for me and..and I was scared that if you leave me-“ Jinki was cut off by the press of Jonghyun’s lips against his. 

Jinki sighed as he felt Jonghyun’s hand card through his hair, and the other rest on his wait, pulling him closer. And at that moment, who cared what the world thought? Because in this moment he was both Jinki and Onew. He was both sad and happy at the same time and neither the Jinki nor the Onew in him protested as he leaned further into Jonghyun, because both wanted Jonghyun equally as much. He wanted him, and as he closed his eyes, breathing him in, he could only hope that Jonghyun wanted him just as much too.

Jinki knew that the road to healing was long, but, that night as Jinki allowed Jonghyun to map his body with his mouth, as Jinki traced patterns on the shorter male’s body with his fingers into the morning, the same fingers that dug into his skin the past night, he knew that this time, the path ahead of him had fewer obstacles. And, as the morning began to filter into the room, as Jonghyun pulled Jinki closer, Jinki relaxed. He knew he could do it, one step at a time.

For the first time (of many more to come), Jinki closed his eyes and snuggled deeper into bed with Jonghyun, smile playing upon his lips.

I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way

[A/N]: YAY! It’s done! After me procrastinating for months! (I apologize!)

Anyways, the italicized verses are actual song lyrics that I listened to while writing the fic. Also,

Long Island Iced Tea is a really strong drink that usually differs in each bar. But basically, it’s 1 part vodka, 1 part tequila, 1 part gin, 1 part rum, 1 part triple sec, 1.5 parts sweet and sour mix, and 1 splash of Coke.

I wasn’t sure about the proportions so I googled it :P So, I know I’m right! XD

ALSO, I love this gif to heart. So while there may be nothing to do with either Kris or Xiumin in the story, it as everythin to do with the blatant joy they bring to my heart.