Dinner was a quiet affair, both men having gotten over their laughing fit.

“Jinki?” Jonghyun cleared his throat. “What are you going to do once we get back? Who will you stay with?”

Jinki his lips and looked out at the snow, falling out the window. “I’m not completely bereft, Jonghyun. I have a place of my own. I just don’t like living alone, no matter what I suffer at home. Being lonely just makes me go crazy sometimes. I’ll either bring over a new girl every day or…or… give into my dark thoughts. Either way, I feel like in the morning, and I don’t want to be…alone.”

“Um, I was just asking because, well, I need someone to room with me. Like, I’ve just started university and my apartment costs a lot, so…” Jonghyun turned back to his food.

Jinki looked at Jonghyun, peeling his eyes away from the snow. “You…you want me to stay with you? But why?”

“Because, I like you. You seem like a nice guy, and I need someone to split the rent with. You do attend university, don’t you?” Jonghyun looked up to see Jinki nod.  “Then it’s settled.” Smiling at Jinki, Jonghyun cleared their plates and headed off to his room.

“Um, exactly where do I sleep?” Jinki looked around the cottage, to be met with a big open living room, large kitchen and cozy sitting area…and one bedroom with a bathroom attached.

“Oh, I thought we could just sleep in the same bed. Like when you go camping and you share beds with people.  Haven’t you ever done that?” Jonghyun smiled at Jinki reassuringly. “Plus, didn’t you say you don’t like being alone?”

“In case you forgot, I have been camping, Jonghyun. And it never really worked well for me, did it?” Jinki grabbed the blankets and pillows off the bed and headed off towards the couch.

“Y-YAH! I DON’T HAVE ANY OTHER BLANKETS, AND IT’S SO COLD!” Jonghyun screamed after Jinki, who felt his lips curve up into a smile.

“OK, but don’t touch me.” Jinki crawled into bed.

“No worries, I have absolutely no intention of doing so.” Jonghyun moved to the opposite end of the bed, and pulled the covers up, maintaining a safe distance between him and Jinki.

Only to have it all disappear by morning.

Jonghyun woke up to a thumping noise against his ear. He shifted in bed, to realize he was pinned down by some heavy weight.

“Unnghh, noona, don’t go.” Jonghyun stiffened as he heard Jinki whimper into his ear. “Noona, I’m here, noona.”

If the sound of Jonghyun’s heart shattering was audible, Jinki would have surely woken up. Jonghyun slowly moved out of Jinki’s grasp and placed a pillow in his position. He looked at Jinki, who was sleeping with furrowed eyebrows, eyes moving back and forth rapidly behind almost transparent lids. Jonghyun bit his lip as he gently pushed back Jinki’s bangs, which were plastered on his face because of sweat.

“hmm, what?” Jinki woke up, covered in sweat, and looked up to see Jonghyun’s hand hovering over his forehead. “I thought you said you wouldn’t touch me.” Jinki said, groggily, pushing the covers off and getting up as well.

“Do you always dream about her?” Jonghyun stepped in Jinki’s way, blocking his entrance to the washroom.

“Is it snowing again? Funny.” Jinki bit his lip, trying to avoid the subject, trying to ignore the pain in his heart that was slowly spreading to his head. He winced.

“Are you hurt?” Jonghyun asked, never one to miss anything.

“I just... I need to pee.” Jinki bit his lip as he brushed past Jonghyun and shut the door behind him.

Once inside, he the tap and splashed water on his face. He was going to be sick. Weakly, he held onto the counter for support as he tuned the tap on full blast and emptied his stomach contents of yesterday’s dinner.

When Jinki regurgitated food, he felt like he was getting rid of more than just one thing. With every heave, he rid himself of his nightmare. With every cough, he expelled all thoughts of his sister, and with every intake of breath, he felt them come rushing back into his head. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. Why couldn’t he just be normal? He squeezed his eyes shut, forbidding the tears to stain his cheeks, lest Jonghyun find out. He looked around the washroom, searching for sharp objects or anything that could help him relieve the pain, albeit momentarily. His frantic search was interrupted when Jonghyun knocked on the door.

“Jinki? You’ve been in there for a while now. Are you OK?”

“Ye-yeah. I’m fine.” Jinki nodded, before realizing that Jonghyun can’t see him through the door.  He leaned against the cold wall of the washroom, and slid down to the floor. He wished the thoughts in his head would just stop. He wished he could forget what today was, but he can’t. Picking himself up, he cleaned up the washroom, brushed his teeth and left.

“Hey, are you OK?” Jonghyun looked up from the food to see Jinki walk into the kitchen.

“Do you mind?” Jinki hesitantly stepped forward.

“Mind what?” Jonghyun tilted his head to the side.

“I just… I really need a hug.” Jinki mumbled into Jonghyun’s shirt as he pulled the shorter male in, surprised at his own actions.

“Wha-What? What’s wrong?” Jonghyun hugged the older male back, rubbing his hands up and down his back, to keep him from shaking.

“I…I found out about my sister today. It’s her unofficial death…anniversary.” Jinki bit back a bitter sob that rose in his chest. He hugged Jonghyun tighter, and raked his nails along his forearms, to stop his tears from spilling.

“hey, hey. Let’s get your mind off things, OK? Let’s go skating.” Jonghyun pulled away from Jinki, and bit his lip as he noticed the puckered skin along his forearm.

Jinki looked away from Jonghyun’s gaze and nodded, choosing to ignore the warm feeling that was developing at the pit of his stomach.

“I don’t know why I’m sharing things with you that I’ve never told anyone.  I don’t know why I suddenly hugged you and I don’t know why I’m letting you in when I chose to lock even Onew out.” Jinki was sitting beside Jonghyun on the porch, sipping hot chocolate. It had been roughly 28 hours since the two had met, and Jinki had inadvertently let Jonghyun in.

I guess when you’re broken you’ll lean on someone more readily. Jinki looked at Jonghyun who was already watching him.

“What?” Jinki asked.

“I was just wondering: why do so many bad things happen to good people?”

Jinki looked away from Jonghyun’s gaze. “I’m not a good person, Jonghyun. But my noona was. She was so strong and amazing, and kind. She was always there for me when I needed her. That’s why I’m not a good person, Jonghyun. My noona always knew when something was off about me, when I was sad, and she would never leave me. I failed to notice my noona sinking into depression, I left her when she needed me most, I never stood up for her, and I never did anything to protect her from harm, to shield her from all the evils that she faced. Instead, I hid behind her and when it came time for me to step up, when the time came for me to prove to my noona, to myself who I really am, I ran away. I went off on my selfish camping adventure, and left my noona to die. It’s my fault she’s dead. You know she asked me to stay back? Only once, but that should have had been enough for me. I never had to ask her to stay with me, but even after she asked me, I left her. I pouted and told her that I needed my space from her, and that I needed to hang out with my friends. Of course, she being my noona, just smiled, ruffled my hair and said “Okay.” Maybe if I had stayed, maybe if I hadn’t said those words to her, she would have still been alive. Maybe things would have turned out different from what they are today.” Tears were streaming down Jinki’s face by now, and he couldn’t bring himself to look up at Jonghyun. He was ashamed of himself. He was a coward, and he was ashamed.

“Hey, hey. What good does it do to dwell in the past?” Jonghyun gently wiped away Jinki’s tears with his thumb, surprised at the smoothness of Jinki’s skin. “From what I’ve heard of your noona, I’m sure she never blamed you. Yes, you should have stayed with her, but you never knew she was depressed. What happened is now in the past, Jinki. You need to learn to move on. You need to grow out of the shell that you have created around yourself and experience the world that is around you. Your noona protected you for so long, that you now feel the need to have a constant barrier between yourself and the outside world, but it doesn’t have to be that way. The world is not that bad of a place. Sometimes, you can find beauty in the most unexpected places. Sometimes, you can find yourself in the most unexpected places.”

“I don’t know who I am, Jonghyun. If I need to forget the past, I need to know who I am, so I can continue forth with that person, that personality. I can’t be stuck living two lives forever, and be confused about my identity. It’s exhausting, and I can’t live like this.”  Jinki slumped in his chair, oblivious to the cold wind that nipped at his cheeks, turning them slightly red.

He’s gorgeous. Jonghyun’s heart thumped as he looked at Jinki, who sat in his chair, half-lidded eyes staring out at the frozen lake, pink cheeks and pink lips standing out against the alabaster skin. Jonghyun’s heart constricted in pain as he noticed the pain in the older man’s eyes, and suddenly recalled the puckered skin on his forearms this morning. He recalled seeing scars along the inner arms of the man, when he was unconscious and puking out the medicine.

“Let’s go inside, Jinki. It’s too cold outside.” Jonghyun grabbed Jinki’s gloved hand in his, and led them inside.

Over the next two days, Jinki began to confide more and more in Jonghyun. The latter loved listening to the older male talk, sometimes closing his eyes and just letting Jinki’s voice wash over him. His heart hurt every time a tear escaped Jinki’s eyes, or when he noticed fresh scars on his alabaster skin. He began to wonder how someone could hurt this precious man. He began to understand why Jinki’s noona protected him so much. Who wouldn’t, when you find out that beneath that beautiful strong exterior lay a fragile man?

“Jonghyun? Am I boring you? Am I imposing myself on you?” Jinki’s voice cut through Jonghyun’s reverie. He opened his eyes and saw Jinki sitting beside him on the couch, eyes slightly wide with worry.

“Not at all. Please continue.” Jonghyun resisted the urge to pull Jinki in his arms and just let the world pass by. He wanted to kiss away Jinki’s worries and- whoa. Where did that thought come from? Jonghyun shook his head and motioned for Jinki to continue.

“There isn’t much for me to tell. I already told you so much. What about you? Don’t you have anything to say? What about your life?” Jinki shuffled closer to Jonghyun and took his hand in his. “I’ve been talking selfishly about myself. What about you?”

“My life is nothing important.” Jonghyun tried to not blush at the physical contact between him and Jinki. Over the past two days, Jinki had also sought refuge in Jonghyun’s arms quite often, and Jonghyun had begun to wonder if he could go on without letting Jinki know what he had begun to feel for him.

“I’m sure it is! Come on, you know everything about me. I’d like to know you too.” Jinki said the last part softly enough to make Jonghyun’s heart melt.

“Where do I begin? Uh...

My parents are the cheesiest parents you will ever find.  It’s so embarrassing being in public because Umma and Appa will initiate some weird PDA and then it gets really gross to watch. I have an older brother, and he’s really nice. He’s always looked out for me, and he was the first person who found out I was gay.  Of course everyone in my family had known before I had, so there really was no drama, except that my mom teased me and my boyfriend to no end.

I dated my boyfriend for about two years, till I walked in on him in bed with another man. Apparently he was cheating on the man with me, but that still didn’t make it any better. I was heartbroken for a while. He was my first everything, and I was only seventeen when we had met. But then I met someone else, and we dated causally for a couple of months before I broke it off. I guess relationships are cursed for me. Um, I started university recently and I really want to be a doctor, so I joined this program where you get to shadow doctors, and you work as their assistant of sorts and get paid. I really need the money, because while my family may be rich in love, we are financially...well, not exactly destitute, but let’s just say my grandpa had a gambling problem and left my father with debts to pay off. So, anyways, I joined this program and I got assigned to your family doctor, and that’s how I met you. Your family doctor is a real jerk though. If I didn’t need the money provided by the program, I probably would have quit a long time ago. Anyways, I’ll probably get fired for bringing you out without telling him first. Not that I mind, I’ll just get another job, and that will be that.

Are you happy, now? You know my boring life. Nothing interesting, no adventures, just…life.” Jonghyun looked at Jinki, waiting for a response of some kind.

“Your life sounds amazing.” Jinki whispered, reverently.

The pair locked eyes and stared at each other, before Jonghyun looked away.

“Um, I think I’ll go make some Ramyun. I’m really tired, and there’s no energy left in me to cook.” Jonghyun got up from the couch, avoiding Jinki’s eyes.

“I can hear it.” Jinki blurted out.

“I’m sorry?” Jonghyun turned around, confused.

“Your heart. I can hear your heart beat louder when you hug me. It beats faster and the pace isn’t exactly regular. At first I thought that maybe you have a heart disease. But…” Jinki looked up at Jonghyun, a ghost of a smile hinting at his lips.

“But?” Jonghyun’s breath hitched.

“But I think I’m happy to realize that your heart acts up for me.” Jinki blushed, still looking at Jonghyun.

“I haven’t known you for that long, and you barely know me as well. You’re broken and I just... I want to heal you so much. I want to just hold you in my arms and build a castle with my body that you will be protected within.  I want to help you find who you are Jinki and I want you to smile like you did last night in the Kitchen. I want you to cry, but with happiness this time.  I don’t know why I’m feeling this way, I barely know you, but…. Somehow I feel like I would readily give up my world to see those rare smiles of yours again.” Jonghyun blurted out, voice so quiet, Jinki had to strain to hear it.

“Can you love me, Jonghyun? Can you love poor, broken Jinki? Can you love a man who can’t even stand on his own two legs? Can you love a murderer?” Jinki asked, tears forming in his eyes.

“You are not a murderer. You are so strong, you have survived beyond anything and here you are, in front of me. You have bared your soul to me, and how can I not love you for that? How can I not love you for those looks, those eyes? The trust you have placed in me? How can I not love you, Jinki?” And with every word, Jonghyun placed a tiny kiss all over Jinki’s face. He wiped away the broken man’s tears, and rocked him back and forth.

“I don’t know if my heart is whole enough to love, Jonghyun. I can’t give you anything.  You know that, so why are you still here?” Jinki mumbled against Jonghyun’s chest, cheeks warmed by the heat radiating from the shorter male.

“Because I don’t want anything from you. I’m content with the smiles you have for me, and I promise to stick by if you’ll let me.” Jonghyun bit his lip, his heart was hurting too much, and he desperately wished to heal this man, this fragile alabaster skin man who he was now rocking back and forth. He placed a kiss in Jinki’s hair, before holding him against his chest once more. “I want you to be happy, however you are. Take your time, Jinki, take your time.”

That night, neither male pretended to keep their distance from each other. As they crawled into bed, Jonghyun looked over at Jinki who crawled into the warmth of Jonghyun’s embrace; welcoming the feeling of calm he felt whenever he smelled the slightly musky scent of the younger. Jonghyun rubbed circles in Jinki’s back until both fell asleep to the sound of each other’s’ hearts.

His last thoughts, before falling asleep, were “At least he’s willing to be healed. I’ll heal you Jinki. I swear I won’t let anything happen to you.”

And for the first time, Jinki didn’t frown in his sleep. Instead, his lips were curved upwards, hinting towards a smile.

[A/N]: Hey guys, so I guess here’s the new update? UGH!It's kind of short, and I tried to make it nice, but with so much school work, I wasn’t able to focus on this, and thus have a half-assed update for you. I promise though, the next one will be much better!

Also, I listened to this song while writing this update, so.. anyone up for a listen?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBjVJWB8Pw0

Also, I’d like to dedicate this story to the bestest dongsaeng ever, Taoris95. You’re seriously daebak! Thanks for keeping me company on all those fangirling sessions I had (though most of the times, you caused them :P), and for being so sweet and nice! XD Keep writing, because you’ve got a gift! Saranghae dongsaeng! <3

And finally, thanks to all of you for leaving such lovely comments for me to read. You guys are all amazing! *points to Taoris95* Yeah, I'm talking to you too! XD