Crooked Road

A storyline by GybzyXiao and _annabanana_

Date Requested: Mar 23, 2014 09:20:22

Review Submitted: Apr 10, 2014

Title

It was a catchy title. It could draw in your readers just by looking at it. It even gave an ‘angst’ feel. Now, let us look at your title through two different points of views:

First, an avid G Dragon fan saw the title. Recognizing G Dragon’s song, the reader immediately clicked it. More or less, this reader will read your description/foreword. No matter what was the content, s/he will more likely subscribe to the story because s/he was a G Dragon’s fan.

Now, a second reader who wasn’t a very big fan of GDragon saw the catchy title. Clicking on it, s/he started to read the description/foreword. Then s/he hesitated.  S/he is having second thoughts about subscribing to your story.

Question: Why do you think the second reader didn’t subscribe immediately?

Description/Foreword

The answer to that question can be found in this area.

Imagine that you were cooking a dish. The description and foreword were the ingredients to cook your dish (story). Let’s just say that your customer (reader) had the great opportunity to look at your ingredients. After seeing them, there were only two possible scenarios: (1) maybe s/he will turn away slowly so you won’t notice or (2) s/he will still eat it because maybe s/he saw that you were cooking his/her favorite dish (idol pairings/fangirling/fanboying) or that s/he was too hungry.

The description and foreword were too bombarded with too much information. It was overwhelming and confusing to your readers.

So what to do if you have too many ingredients?

You have to remove what is not necessary.

How?

Give yourself some mental exercise. First, imagine your description and foreword as a blank page. Now, what is a description? What is a foreword?  The description is for the summary of the story while the foreword is for brief fangirling, brief rants, brief explanation how you came up with the story, credits, character profiles (though you could put these on the description), and prologue.

Now, stop reading for a moment and come up with a mental picture of the description and foreword. Do you have some ideas forming in your head? If not, go back to the previous paragraph. If you have formed some ideas, then you could read the next paragraph.

Let’s assume that you have formed some ideas off the top of your head, okay? Let’s see if we came up with the same ideas.

Description

First of all, use the layout from below (foreword) in this area. You could put the lyrics of ‘Crooked’ since I assume that it is significant. Correct me if I am wrong. Does the lyrics somehow spoken by CL and she was pertaining to Baekhyun? Even though it was a GD song, it gave an impression that it was CL’s song for Baekhyun.

After putting the lyrics, you are now ready for the summary.

Your Version:

To be honest, it was not very catchy. It also gave the wrong impression. I thought Baekhyun was not a past love but rather will come to the story later on and when I read the first chapter, it turned out he was CL’s past love.

My Version: (Note that I had come up with this after only reading your 2 chapters. Maybe I got it wrong. If you wanted to adapt/revise it, feel free.)

One bullet

And she was crooked.

Scarred.

Another bullet

And he aimed.

Will he pull the trigger?

How I came up with the summary: So far, I understood that Baekhyun had broken her heart. By the words “one bullet,” I didn’t mean it literally. I am talking about the time when Baekhyun leave her side. I added “And she was crooked” for the title’s benefit and also to point out that she was greatly affected by Baekhyun. The words “Scarred” meant that she was definitely hurt and although she had somewhat recovered, the scar was still there. The words ‘another bullet’ pertained to Jiyong. I assumed that CL was afraid to let him on her skin for fear to be hurt again and that more or less she will be hurt by him in the later chapters. That’s why I added “And he aimed. Will he pull the trigger?” I didn’t mean it literally again. What I meant with that statement is that maybe Jiyong can broke her heart too. This kind of summary will make your readers question. I thought those parts about bullets are kind of connected also to their profession so it’s good to play with your words and imagination. By this kind of summary, you will hook your readers. They will question why the summary is like that, making them subscribe to your story.

Now, if you really wanted to put the lyrics of the song, try to separate the lyrics from the summary. The layout could help you with this.

In conclusion, put the images, characters, lyrics, and the summary in your description, nothing else.

Foreword

Now that we have removed the layout from the foreword, what are you going to do now?

First of all, leave your foreword blank. Remove everything. Let us start from scratch, okay?

First to put is your statement that began with “Chaerin didn’t expect Ji Yong to be…” But I suggest that you remove the lyrics of the song “Lies” because it will confuse the readers.

Next is to put the line that began with “Storyline. This fanfiction is based on a song called…” This will be followed by “Notes: This fanfiction was called Blackjacks before…” “Warnings: This fan-fiction contains violence, mature content and foul language,” editors, and lastly, the credits.

Is it clear so far?

Note: Now that we have fixed the description and foreword in order for them to jive with your title, do not change your title anymore. Crooked Road is catchy enough and having the improved description and foreword, you will surely attract not only GD’s fans but non fans as well.

Poster/Presentation/Appearance

The poster looked awesome but it didn't show what is going on in the story.

Like what I have already mentioned, the description and foreword are kind of confusing. With the suggestions above, I think there will be more improvement. The layout is great by the way.

Good job with your font too. Always be consistent. If you want, use Georgia 14, black. Left align or justify your paragraphs. Indent them to the right.

Characterization

Lee Chaerin.

Are you by chance trying to portray a fierce female lead? Since she is working as an agent, she could be seen as fierce but that is only an outer appearance. I have not known her enough to be viewed as ‘fierce.’ Being fierce doesn’t only mean finishing off some enemies or throwing some flying kicks.

Try to describe her more. Focus on her range of emotions. Does she still have any feelings for Baekhyun? How about Jiyong? Does she felt anything aside from lust? Is her heart beating fast when he’s near? Is she suffocated with his presence? Does he remind her of Baekhyun? Is she afraid that Jiyong will also hurt her like what Baekhyun did?

Use your words. As much as possible, try to describe Chaerin more through various ranges of emotion and words, instead of merely pointing out some facts like she cannot stand Jiyong, she was hurt by Baekhyun, etc. List out every possible emotion in every scenario without being over-the-top.

Kwon Jiyong.

Although he seems like a careless fellow, he gets intimidated when it comes to dealing with Chaerin. He gets jealous with the absentee Baekhyun. So far, all that I could see from him is that he seemed tough outside but is vulnerable inside. From that foundation of his character, try to build it more. Use your words again. Try to tell that story also from his point of view. I am not saying that you’ll switch to first person POV. Use third person POV but this time; tell the story from his point of view too. This way, your readers will know his character more.

Baekhyun.

There must be a reason why he left her. I am actually thinking if he is a criminal or something? Though I didn’t meet him yet, I have some ideas about him. There must be a connection later.

Plot

Action fanfiction is not easy to do. It requires some good description especially when it comes to the fight scenes. Plus, developing your characters is very tricky. More or less, a writer will tend to focus on only one aspect, disregarding the other aspects because of the story’s complex scenario.

In your action scenes, you made your readers question what happened during those scenes because you didn’t describe the scenario. That’s okay. It’s interesting. However in the next fight scenes, try to describe it on details. Try not to leave a cliffhanger again for the readers. You could do so again but not always.

I also like the relationship of Chaerin and Jiyong. Although they were only dating because of a dare and that they were engaged to a ual relationship, they don’t own each other any love or responsibility. This will give the story a more interesting plot as the readers will witness how these two will eventually learn to love one another despite the consequences.

The scenes are hot by the way. Why leave cliffhangers? Such a tease. Hahaha. Good job!

Like what I have already mentioned a while ago, I think this Baekhyun guy will come later, affecting the whole story. I am actually thinking that perhaps he is a criminal or another spy. Or am I wrong?

Pacing

Good flow, not too fast yet not too slow. Keep it up!

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary

1. Unnecessary Capitalization

Example:  With that, he pulled out his fingers out causing Chaerin to shout in frustration "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" Ji Yong looked away and drank water instead.

Suggestion: With that, he pulled out his fingers out causing Chaerin to shout in frustration, "Why the hell would you do that?!" Ji Yong looked away and drank water instead.

Note: It’s not really necessary to capitalize the words. If you are portraying some emotions through the capitalization, better to describe it with words like what is suggested above.

2. scenes

Example: Ahhhh!!

Suggestion: She screamed agonizingly in pleasure / She screamed too loudly as she felt his fingers rammed insi…<*coughs> A little bit carried away. Moving on! 

Note: You don’t have to type in those and grunting. You could still type in some, but describe them with words as much as possible.

You’re actually good with your tenses and you also have good vocabulary. Seriously, is English really not your first language? Good job! Always proofread your chapters even if you have already posted them. This way, you could search for errors and hopefully will make your story polished and almost perfect.

Writing Style

You’re actually a great writer even though you said that English is not your first language. You just needed more details on your story to hook you readers more. Good job also with the cliffhangers but do not overdo it. For the next chapters, try to describe what is happening during fight scenes and others. A tip about cliffhanger is to put it at the end of your chapter. What happened in your Chapter 2 is that you leave a cliffhanger in the middle, then as if nothing happened from there because you didn’t describe it in details on the next scenario. I repeat, put cliffhangers at the end of the chapters as much as possible.

Overall Enjoyment

The truth is I am a VIP. Surprise! G Dragon is also my favorite member but I am not very familiar with his solo songs. I prefer him in their group, know what I mean? I prefer Bigbang’s songs rather than GD’s solo songs. Though lately, I like his single ‘Black’ that featured trainee Jenny Kim. I am not very familiar with his song “Crooked” though.

So far, I am enjoying this story and I will stay subscribed, okay? I am itching to know if I am right about the plot, especially Baekhyun’s part in the story. I would have enjoyed this more if it is Daragon. Yup. I am a very big fan of Daragon. But don’t worry! I would still look at the story itself rather than the characters.

And small world! I noticed that you also requested from Heartbreak shop? I saw the review and I agreed with some of the things they mentioned especially the grammar issues. I actually asked a review for my story “The Imposter” there. Feel free to check. It turned out maybe we were lost sisters because I also have issues on my grammar. LoL.

Reminders

Don’t forget to credit me by copying littlemisshappyify @ Good Review Shop and pasting it on your foreword. Please link my username and shop.

Upvote if you are satisfied with your review. Please comment below.

Feel free to ask for a redo. I will do it after you have made the necessary changes that I suggested.

Thank you for requesting!