B3 | cuteismysterious
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A storyline by cuteismysterious
Title
What a unique title! Although it may sound foreign to most AFF readers, it is an interesting title and I’m sure readers will check it out. It is relevant to the storyline because of Baekhyun’s endearment to Menchu. It is also short and easy to remember. Good job!
Description
The poem is good. But there are some lines that sound a bit weird to me e.g. Or just by eating, the famous chips, “Lays”. I know you put it to rhyme the words but it still a little bit off. Try to change that particular line with another, one that follows the rhyme.
The other problem is that the poem is not that connected to the storyline. I only realized this after reading the whole one shot. The poem is somehow misleading. I think the only thing that could relate to the storyline is the line “A single meeting always stays.” The other lines are not connected to the plot somehow.
Foreword
This is very organized. Good job!
Poster/Presentation/Appearance
[graphics] The poster is cute. But I don’t think it is the appropriate poster for the story. For one thing, the poster gives off a fluff feel. I don’t think there’s any fluff in your storyline. A child who witnessed an accident is not fluff. I see that you’re a graphic artist so I would suggest making a poster wherein we could see Menchu and Baekhyun’s childhood and adult version, just saying.
[tag] I know you added fluff among your tags. I would suggest removing that particular tag too. Because believe me when I tell you that there is no fluff.
[Typescript] You used the right font and you’re consistent with it. Good job!
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary
You switched tenses every now and then. Try to proofread your story and put them in past tense.
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Quotation and Identifier
[Original] “Geez, are they still playing that? That’s so last last year.” Menchu commented…
[Suggestion] “Geez, are they still playing that? That’s so last last year,” Menchu commented…
[Note] The sample above is what we call quotation and identifier (e.g. Menchu commented, he said, she said, she uttered). Remember to use a comma (,) instead of a period (.) after the quotation. After the comma, add the identifier. There are other sentence structures like this in your story. Do proofread and correct them.
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Stutter
[Original] M-mum
[Suggestion] M-Mum
[Note] When the first letter was capitalized, then the next same letter should also be capitalized. Same goes with the situation wherein if the first letter was not capitalized, the next same letter should not also be capitalized.
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Use of (~)
[Original] Uuugggh~
[Suggestion] Remove (~).
[Note] It’s not ideal to use it even if it was put in a conversation.
Characterization
[Menchu] From the very beginning, I could accept the fact that she is somewhat immature, considering her young age. But the immaturity extended even when she was 16 years old. She’s not a very likable character. I believed the cause of this underdevelopment is the lacking of details. Even though this is a one shot, a writer could still develop the character through input of details. Another problem of her character will be discussed on the plot.
[Baekhyun] I liked his character when he is a kid. Compared to Menchu, he is very likable because of his maturity despite his age. But I am a stranger to the adult Baekhyun. I understand that the story is based from Menchu’s POV and that there is no way for us to know him. But I just find him a total stranger at the end which is somehow a good thing since you’re giving the readers a mystery around him, making your readers asking for a sequel. And you’re planning a sequel, right? If you decide to make one, please make us know him more then.
Pacing
The moment when the adult Baekhyun saved Menchu isn’t described very well. You have to describe more. It made the scene too hasty. It’s too fast. It has to be the story’s . And also the ending when she finally realized that the guy who saved her was the same kid from years before? Too fast. You have to incorporate more details.
Plot
There is what we call a traumatic experience that when triggered, it can cause significant reactions to the persons involved. Most of the time, the person who experienced a trauma would avoid or would try everything to prevent it from happening to them once again. Such case should be applicable to your heroine. I understand that she was only a child then when she almost met an accident (thanks to Baekhyun who saved her).
What I cannot fathom is that she witnessed (almost witnessed) an accident that happened right infront of her. That is very traumatic. Even with her eyes closed, the ears may have heard and the brain automatically registered what happened. In psychology, if something truly painful and traumatic happened, the body will adjust by having the brain to transfer that particular memory/event into the unconscious part of the mind. Through this, the person will not have memory of it (yes, this actually happens especially if it is very, very painful).
Then, there is what we call phobia. The thing is that the experience of having to witness a car accident will be converted to a phobia. In the real world, a phobia is an irrational fear, or fear of the unknown. Why unknown? Because when we say we have a phobia of heights, it doesn’t mean that it is the height that we are really scared of.
For example: A girl got rejected by her boyfriend when they are in 37th floor of a building. I think that is traumatic enough (lol). After that, she has a phobia of heights. Yes, the experience went to the unconscious part of our mind making us forget about the painful experience. Yet what is the price to pay? A phobia of height. Why? Because the experience happened when they are in the 37th floor.
Like in the case of Menchu, the memory of childhood experience was triggered by another accident. That is good. But where is the fear? Didn’t she develop any phobia at all after her experience when she was a child? Why is she still crossing the streets so carelessly? It would have been very realistic if she has a phobia. Let’s say, phobia of vehicles, phobia of streets/crossing the street (agyrophobia), phobia of boys (androphobia, -Baekhyun), phobia of icecream (there is no official name for this kind of phobia and yes, it may sound stupid but this happens. Like what I have mentioned in my sample (phobia of heights), the experience would be converted into fear of a particular object that is present during the accident.
I know I made a discussion here (I just loved psychology!). But I hope this helps. If you need some clarifications, feel free to contact me.
The good thing about the ending is the way she recognized him through the news article. It shows that Baekhyun must be very popular to have his name on the paper. The readers will absolutely crave for a sequel because of this tidbit about Baekhyun.
Writing Style
If I am not mistaken, you just graduated from elementary? And you’re writing this kind of stories? Wow. I mean, that was a tremendous feat authornim! I have to admit that I am not that good of a writer when I was your age. Your plot is not what other kids your age would think and write about. If I am your age, I would write cliché stories. But you really amazed me with coming up with this kind of storyline. And now, I wonder what kind of stories you would come up next for the years to come.
Just remember to give more details. Details are very important in order for your readers to get hooked with your story, to get them more involved with your characters, to get them more immersed with your style.
Somehow, I also find the cliffhanger a potential for a sequel. I guessed you have already planned on making a sequel based on your author notes. But my advice is that next time, if you’ll going to create stories with no plans of sequel, it would be better to end the story. If and if you don’t have plans on making a sequel. Some readers will really try to wrap a noose around writers’ necks if they put a cliffhanger.
Personal Enjoyment
I actually like the story! Sometimes I don’t read one shot because I find them short and without plot. But your story is really good for a one shot. If you’re planning to make a sequel, please do. Anyways, good job authornim!
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