Being Afflicted

A storyline by RedGuitarist

Synopsis

The sound of rain making contact with the roof of the school was drowned out by her cheerful humming. It was quite contradicting to the gloomy appearance probably set outside. Looking into the mirror placed in her locker, she scrutinized her appearance and smiled with satisfaction once she was done. Indeed, she was vain. Shutting her locker, she picked up her bag from the bench and went out of the locker room.

“Alright, I’m all set.” She stated enthusiastically, expecting a reply, but all she got was silence. Frowning, she scanned the area and searched for his face. The moment her eyes landed on the swimming pool, she dropped her bag as a thud echoed around the enclosed area.

In shock, she let out a scream and –

Hyun Ji woke up, panting heavily. Hot sweat trickled down her face as she sat up in bed. Her mind replayed her dream as the feeling of shock remained attached to her. Her heartbeat had yet to slow down as she reached out for the lamp located on her bedside table. A dim light filled the room as she took a look around. She felt lost. Her surroundings were familiar yet so foreign at the same time.

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Title

The title went along with the storyline. In every chapter, pain is consistently mentioned so the title connected right away. The term ‘afflicted’ makes it catchy; however the term ‘being’ somehow lessens the impact. It would have been catchier if the story is entitled as “Afflicted” or better yet “The Affliction.” It gives chills and mystery like the plotline itself. It also evokes curiosity even to readers who are not into angst stories. Nonetheless, ‘Being Afflicted’ is a good title.

Description

It’s a good thing that you defined ‘affliction’ because not all readers are familiar with the term. 

In my opinion, the statement that started with “Afflictions” until the statement “They’re the reasons...” from the foreword should be placed in the description. The reason is that the foreword is bombarded with too much information.  If you decided to follow my suggestion, better remove the first statement “Afflictions” because you already defined it. Putting it again will be repetitive. Proceed immediately to the second statement which is “They’re not visible to one’s eye.” Moreover, the statement “They’re the voices inside of our heads” should be “They’re the voices in our minds.”

Here is a suggestion for the whole description. It will be up to you if you are going to consider it.

They’re invisible to one’s eye.

That’s simply because they’re inside of us.

They’re the voices in our minds.

They’re the cause of our pain.

But for me, they’re the reason of my feelings.

I’m in love because I am afflicted.

Foreword

One of the best things that a writer could do to have an attractive foreword is the incorporation of one scene from the story. You choose the scene well. It’s short yet it gives an impact. It raises lots of questions: What exactly happened in that dream or more like nightmare? What did she see? Why the pain?

I also salute the way you arrange your reviews here. It’s also my style when I do my foreword. However, I would like to suggest that you remove the review credits below. Rather, put them individually in each review/praise.

For example:

“Blah blah blah...”

to read the full review, click here

littlemisshappyify | Good Review Shop

*link the review in the ‘click here’

The rest of the reviews will follow the same format. This way, you don’t need to repeat the credits again.  But you can put the banners below in horizontal line so that they won't take too much space. You don’t need to state the spoiler alert. 

Poster/Presentation/Appearance

[Graphics] Suggestion: If there is really something within them, you might want to consider having the characters look at a mirror. In this case, they are looking in a mirror but their reflections tell different things. In the mirror, their images are smirking or looking so evil. You get what I mean?

[Type Script] Your font is readable and appropriate, no further comment but a job well done!

[Point of View] You’ve made a right choice in choosing your POV. But the thing about third person POV is to not overlook the transitioning of each character’s POV. There are times when you switch POV in one paragraph. Watch out for that. If a different point of view is mentioned, put it in another paragraph.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary

In general, you’re consistent with your tenses. One can say that you proofread a lot. Well, proofreading again will help detect the minor switching of tenses because I saw some that one can overlook. You have a wide range of vocabulary, from the title to the content. The words you used are not simple and yet they are used correctly. They are not just synonyms. They are appropriate to use in the scenarios.

However, I noticed the way you write your quotation and identifier.

[Original] “Alright, I’m all set.” She stated enthusiastically, expecting a reply, but all she got was silence.

[Suggestion] “Alright, I’m all set,” she stated enthusiastically, expecting a reply, but all she got was silence.

[Note] Identifiers are also known as dialogue tags or tag lines. Their use is for readers to know which character is talking. The samples of identifiers are he said, she said, they exclaimed, they uttered, Jason murmured, the group chattered in unison, Maria shouted, etc. In your case, the problem that I found is that you are consistently using a period (.) instead of a comma (,) before the identifier.

This is the proper format.

“I hate you,” he said. (since ‘he’ is an improper noun, no need to capitalize)

Other samples of improper nouns used as identifiers: they told, she said

“That’s bizarre,” Jin said. (since Jin is a proper noun, it is automatically capitalized. As long as the name of the person is mentioned, capitalize it.)

Plot

What is very interesting here is the jigsaw puzzle being played in every chapter. Questions kept on pouring until one will question if the story is about paranormal or just something uniquely crafted in a way that it is not easily distinguished. The plot itself went away from other stories with almost similar concepts. Twisting the affliction as the reason of her love is another thing to consider. It’s a mind boggling proclamation. It’s intriguing. Is that love from the past or the present? Another layer of the affliction is the cause of it. Is it from an accident or something unusual?

Will the affliction cause harm to others that’s why she is afraid of others to know her? Is the boy in her memory one of the recipient of the female protagonist’s affliction? Is that the reason why she is keeping it inside her, letting herself be the recipient of the pain?

The affliction of both protagonists will make one question if they are perhaps woven by the same experience, connecting them together. Do they experience the same thing? Will this connect them together? Or will these afflictions inside them recognize one another, weaving them together in a terrifying precipice?

Being Afflicted is a story wherein one will be torn between reality and mystery. It’s taking adventure in an unchartered territory. It’s a labyrinth full of suspense and unknown monsters lurking in every corner. It’s a treat to every reader who wanted to draw away from the norm and to experience a roller coaster ride wherein the screws may unravel from the contraption anytime.

Characterization

First of all, let me just say I have a hard time discerning the two protagonists’ names from each other. It will take me some time to recall that Hyun Ji is the girl while Jin is the male. Be careful with the names next time.

[Hyun Ji] Her character has many flaws which give her the opportunity for great development. It was mentioned at the start that her affliction is the reason why she is in love. That is one of the major questions here. Plus her affliction from the very beginning raised several questions in mind: Why is she experiencing that? Why does she have nightmares? What happened? It was also mentioned that she was this invisible girl in the classroom that no one can really discern. People took no notice of her. She was afraid that people will know her deeply that’s why she pushes Jin away. My question is: Why? Is she afraid of herself? Or something? Then there is this memory of a boy. Finally, a father who seemed to be imprisoned. What I wanted to say is that in just a few chapters, you gave us several conflicts already that it would tend to confuse readers. You gave her flaws. That’s good. But somehow, it tends to sidetrack the flow in her characterization because of this. The road is bumpy from the very beginning and it gets bumpier. Try to slow down a little with the way you introduce her. The memory could be mentioned later on in the chapters. Get your reader to warm up to her. Do not give the conflicts all at one. Aside from that, the way you described her is very detailed and mysterious. The way her emotion is described is well-written to the point wherein readers may actually feel her pain and suffering.

[Jin] The girl’s treatment of him and her mysterious self drew Jin to her. At the same time, the last chapter had me questioning if Jin is also afflicted with something. It somehow tells me that there is something within him that he is battling. Is it something demonic? Or has it something to do with bipolar issues? Insanity issues? The questions kept on piling up in my mind that I have to take time and process everything.  I believed that you have to slow down in introducing the conflicts unless you have already planned your plot.

Pacing

I have already mentioned it from the characterization and I will mention it again. The introduction of too many conflicts at once rushed the story. Try to slow down a little and let your readers get to know your characters little by little. Try to reserve some conflicts for the future chapters. Through this, you can give multiple es in different chapters, not at once.

Writing Style

Your style is actually parallel to mine. I am a fan of descriptive writing and I believe that you do too. You gave enough description for readers to visualize the scenarios. I have a slight problem with the way you write the minor characters. There’s this one time wherein you wrote every name in one sentence. You can make it simpler by the avowal “The group...” Speaking of the group, I understand that they are BTS. However, in the story you mentioned their name once to group them. It’s okay to mention that they are collectively known as BTS, but try to mention it from the very beginning. For example, “They are members of a group popularly known as BTS.” So that it would not be awkward when there is sudden mention of the group’s name. You get what I mean?

Personal Enjoyment

Angst plus add a touch of mystery is just my cup of tea. The way the scenarios played hooked me into living the story. It is alive and it is drawing me to experience it. The mysterious vibe in the air kept my interest and had me questioning incessantly what is actually going on with the story. The slight drawback is the too much information to process at once. Aside from that, this is a story worth recommending. I’m sorry if I sound harsh in some areas and that it took me a while to finish the review. I hoped you find this review helpful even though it's kind of late already, authornim. Congrats with the feature! Sadly, I cannot place your story there because of the lack of poster.Just PM me if you will finally have one and I'll feature your story, authornim.