A Lost Memory In Mokpo

A Storyline by suzyelf

Date Requested: Mar 22, 2014 03:47:00

Review Submitted: Mar 25, 2014

Title

It is simply beautiful. Just beautiful and it goes along with your story. Throughout reading this story, I kept asking myself why “A Lost Memory in Mokpo”? It would make readers question themselves, maybe that “Lost memory” is Donghae’s Sung-Ah? Donghae’s Lost Letter? Or is it simply Donghae and Sung Ah’s memories together? I believed that the title has great reference to Donghae and Sung-Ah because they are from Mokpo. I actually liked the idea that even though Kyuhyun and Jessica don’t have anything to do with the place, the story still revolves greatly around them.

As a reader, I told myself that if only they had found and realized that ‘lost memory,’ maybe the four characters wouldn’t have suffer too much pain, too much misery, and too much heartaches. And yet, if it isn’t because of that ‘lost memory,’ the fates of these characters would not have tangled and they wouldn’t have experienced true love.

Description/Foreword

Your description is vague in a good way. It doesn’t reveal too much which is a good thing. I also liked the quotation “For you, there’s no hope in Mokpo.” It made me question what happened in Mokpo. What had driven her away from the place and settle in a strange place called Seoul. Is the character in a drastic situation? What happened?

As to your foreword, putting an interesting scenario from your story is a good way to draw in readers. It is interesting and quite intriguing. It gives us a glimpse of the idols’ life, making your readers assume that you wrote characters as they are in real life. It is more realistic for them reading super junior this way, as idols.

But I have a little problem with the scene wherein she rung the doorbell. I believed that part is when she was finding her cousin right? There is no need to put that scenario in the foreword because it was already mentioned in the first chapter. It will confuse your readers into thinking that the KBS incident happened before the scene wherein she rung the bell. Better to remove that part because the KBS incident is enough to attract your readers.

Appearance

Since you wrote a fluff and angst story, it is safe to use Times New Roman/Georgia size 12-14. Use black font color. Remember to be consistent with your font.

You could left align or justify your paragraphs. You could even indent your paragraphs. Be consistent with your space too. If you used one space between the first and second paragraph, apply this to the rest of the paragraphs as well.

I actually liked the fact that you didnt request a fanmade poster for this fic. It just shows how focused you are on writing the story instead of the poster. A tip though, if you decided later on to request for a poster, try also to add an OC. See to it that the OC in the poster appropriately represented the OC in the story.

I will also point out here the chapter titles. You’re good, really good. Coming up with chapter profiles is not easy, yet you have managed to pull that off. The titles were very attractive and gave the readers some suspense, speculation, and excitement. There was an error in your first chapter though. I think you have overlooked the title. I think it should be “The Fourth Sasaeng (One Month Ago).” I suggest too that you removed ‘one month ago.’ Better to put it first thing on the first chapter.  

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary:

Two thumbs up to you for editing the chapters before uploading them. Proofread your chapters even if they were already posted. Since this is a chaptered story, there are only few errors that I found when it comes to grammar/spelling/vocabulary. When I say few, it’s really few.

1. Unnecessary Capitalization (e.g. No. No. NO! “BANANA MILK!” “JUNG SUNG AH!” “WHERE'S THE BOSS?!” OH MY GOD! Turn on the fan! Open the window!! CALL THE FIREMEN!”)

Note: Do not capitalize the words. Just describe what the character is feeling at the very moment. Use only one exclamation point. If you really wanted to portray intense scene or emotion, use your words.

Suggestion:

“Oh my God!” Tiffany screamed. “Open the window! Call the firemen!”

(And oh by the way, one should close the windows when there is a fire. That is to confine the fire since oxygen is very abundant outside and it can ignite the fire more. That is called confinement. I included this just incase <*kekeke>)

2. You have some problems with parts of speech.

Sample: Sung Ah had also began her semester.

Suggestion: Sung Ah had also begun her semester.

Sample: She did not dare to breath.

Suggestion: She did not dare to breathe.

Note: Breath is a noun so it is not applicable to the sentence.

Sample: Jessica has always took her craft delicately

Suggestion: Jessica has always taken her craft delicately

Sample: Kyuhyun's phone rang before Jessica could ask him the meaning of his drunk expression.

Suggestion: Kyuhyun's phone rang before Jessica could ask him the meaning of his drunken expression.

Sample: “How many time do I have to tell you that Jessica and I aren’t dating!”

Suggestion: “How many times do I have to tell you that Jessica and I aren’t dating!”

Sample: Jung Hoon finally spoke after being quiet for so long, “I think it's a good idea. If we know what's she up to, then the same thing won't happen again.”

Suggestion: Jung Hoon finally spoke after being quiet for so long, “I think it's a good idea. If we know what she is up to, then the same thing won't happen again.”

Sample: “I see you're having a great time with Kyuhyun. Spill all the bean now!”

Suggestion: “I see you're having a great time with Kyuhyun. Spill all the beans now!”

Note: I think you just overlooked this one. Be careful with this kind of error.

Sample: Mrs. Choi had been listen to him attentively.

Suggestion: Mrs. Choi had been listening to him attentively.

Note: Remember that if you are using ‘had been’ use –ing verbs.

Sample: He said that the jajangmyeon here was dabaek. It tasted blend to Sung Ah.

Suggestion: He said that the jajangmyeon here was dabaek. It tasted bland to Sung Ah.

Note: Bland means tasteless. I think that is the word that you are looking for.

Sample: “My principal is same as yours.”

Note: Do you mean principle?

NOTE: There are other errors that I found but I don’t want to spoon-feed you. It is better for you to proofread all of your chapters and searched for similar errors. This way, you can learn and apply it to your other stories.

Characterization       

Sung-Ah. I can relate to your OC. She is like this box in which I could fit myself into. I can actually feel for her. I feel her. I feel her joys and heartaches. I understand her insecurities. These insecurities were the reasons why she had shut herself from Donghae in some chapters. Donghae is this popular idol with fans fawning all over him while Sung-Ah only considered herself as a clumsy, childhood friend.  But despite that, it’s amazing how she still wants to protect Donghae. She wanted to be near him, to look after him, to care for him, to love him from afar. It’s very poignant to know that she wanted to protect him by involving herself in the complicated and chaotic entertainment industry.  Entering his world is an indication that Sung-Ah didn’t only see Donghae as a childhood friend but a man that she dearly loved.

Jessica. I can actually understand how the Ice Princess feels when it comes to Donghae. She had known him for thirteen years. He had been there, protecting her and caring for her until she had eventually come to love him.  I can understand her jealousy towards Donghae’s closeness to her cousin. She felt threatened because the bond of friendship seemed to be unbreakable and it seemed stronger than her bond with Donghae for thirteen years. She had loved him and showed it to him in every little way but cannot tell it to his face directly. I actually shared her happiness when she finally became his girlfriend, for finally being able to call him her own. I even shared her pain and disappointment because all along Donghae doesn’t reciprocate her feelings. The way she opened herself to Kyuhyun is very stirring. She could be herself when she was with him. She could confine all her pain and insecurities with him. I actually loved the fact that even though she is somewhat jealous of her cousin, she is not actually an “ice princess” when it comes to Sung-Ah. I was even touched by her sensitivity and sympathy when she asked her cousin to continue staying at her place, the way she defended Sung-Ah from Krystal, and the way she didn’t put the blame of Donghae’s KBS accident to Sung-Ah. It makes her mature and very likable to me and it actually made her character complex. The ice princess has many layers and the way they were revealed slowly in the story is excellent.  I honestly believed that among the four, her character is the most developed.

Donghae. Honestly, if you had put into mind to create a male character the readers wanted to shake/punch/slap, you had succeeded. I find him very ambiguous with his feelings. He accepted Jessica’s love because he doesn’t want to hurt her, but end up hurting her after all. Even though he is in a relationship, he cannot let go of his feelings for Sung-Ah, hurting her too. If one will look deeper into the story, one could put part of the blame to Donghae for being insensitive. If Jessica hadn’t pushed him to the right direction by breaking up with him, I don’t think he could solve the problem on his own. But I liked the development of his character in the end though, when he and Jessica tried to sort out their feelings for good.

Kyuhyun. He is my favorite from the beginning. He was torn in the middle, knowing every secret. He knew and understood everyone’s feelings and had even encouraged everyone to fight for their feelings. And yet, when it comes to his own feelings, he is afraid to let Jessica know of his real feelings towards her. He doesn’t want to love Jessica because he knew that she loved another man. It’s actually touching to see him comfort and support Jessica in her relationship with Donghae, hurting for her when she was hurt, and yet he loved her from afar. It’s good to suppress your emotion when somebody will be bound to hurt but towards the end, I find this attribute of him quite frustrating. Even though he had already admitted to himself that he loved her, he is too afraid of knowing Jessica’s feelings for him. He is such a coward when it comes to this. Remember the time when Jessica forced him to go to Mokpo with her to prove to him that she had gotten over her feelings for Donghae? The way he wanted to turn around because he is afraid that he would be disappointed? And the way he left without saying a word when he saw Jessica and Donghae talking together? Man, I am really pissed with him in those moment. He even decided once and for all to become a bachelor after that? <*Sighs>  If Jessica didn’t go after him, I don’t know how he will deal with his feelings. Jessica actually became my fave character in the end because of how she confronted her feelings for the two men.

Minor characters. I decided to include them because I think that they are well-written too. I can understand Tiffany and Krystal’s protectiveness towards Jessica. It seemed like they believed that the end justified the means. They had tried to shoo Sung-Ah from the picture. Yet, I liked the transition of their characters, from being plain mean to remorseful. Not to forget Henry’s aegyo moments too. I think you gave him enough screen times that are not dead weight on your story. Good job!

Writing Style

I like your writing style. Direct to the point yet you gave enough description for readers to know what is going on in the story. It is also fast paced, giving enough scenarios in every chapter. The way you described your characters’ emotions is well-done. You made us (your readers) feel the characters that you created. I also liked the way you play with words. Very good!

Plot

Seriously, this story is packed with fluff and angst. It has the right amount of suspense, drama, romance, and comedy. You thought that this is only a story of a simple girl who left home to find hope in Seoul, meeting her childhood friend. Wrong.  You thought that this is only a story of a Korean male idol torn between his childhood friend and his bestfriend-turned-girlfriend. Wrong. You thought this is only a story of a Female Korean idol who loved her bestfriend-turned-boyfriend. Wrong. You thought that this is a story of a guy who was torn between the dramas happening around him. Wrong.

This is a story of four people, whose fates were entangled together, affecting each other by their mere presence. This is a story of how four people cope up with the confusing feelings of friendship, love, and loyalty. This is a story of first love, close friendships, rivalry, forced family ties, and friend’s loyalty.

Correct me if I am wrong. I feel like you have other plot in mind yet you went to another direction for the sake of your readers? If that is the case, then that is really suicidal especially if you have already  come up with the entire plot. But you have manage to pull that off. Good job authornim.

Overall Enjoyment

Honestly speaking, I feel like I don’t deserve to review this. Because this is a well-written story meant to be reviewed by other more experienced reviewers. I loved this story from the beginning and had loved it even at the end. The characters had stayed in me and I feel like they are already part of me. I am actually surprised when I learned that this is your first fanfiction. Seriously, not many authors could write a very beautiful story in the first try. Yet you did it.

I think you deserve more subscribers because this story must be read by other readers as well. That’s why I will feature you. Don’t be surprise. You deserve it. I subscribed and upvote your story. Hwaiting for your next story, authornim!