Hold you for a million years | Suggested by sehunuaaal

**Make sure to have Christina Aguilera's HURT on repeat when you read this**

Something tore at his heart. Was it a memory or just his imaginations? Baekhyun wasn’t sure. There are things that he wants to remember and things he doesn’t. He just couldn’t differentiate which are the ones he wants to forget and which he wants to keep anymore. He remembered a certain girl with full lips and shining eyes named Ji Hyo. He remembered how she took care of him. He couldn’t remember how he had met her. He couldn’t remember why he was alone.

Baekhyun could remember a lot of things, although a lot isn’t a word to use for Byun Baekhyun. But the little things that he does remember, makes up for it being more than a handful. He remembered saying goodbye to his parents before they got into the car and never came back; he doesn’t remember where they’d said they’d gone to. In fact, Baekhyun doesn’t remember a lot of things that happened before he turned fifteen. It was like his memory storeroom only started to work the day his friends wished him happy birthday. And that was already long after his parents had disappeared. He remembers his friends, of course. His friends who made him laugh and smile and remember. His friends who never forget to remind him that he will never be alone.

Now as he blinked his eyes to clear his vision, Baekhyun tried to remember what was it that he’d seen in his dreams. He closed his eyes and let the darkness take over, his brain working hard against the lingering sleep. He remembered seeing JoonMyeon in that dream, together with Jongdae, Kyungsoo, YiFan and Chanyeol. He remembered letting his legs get buried under the sand just before the water from the sea washed them away. It was a good dream, he remembered. They were at the beach, Baekhyun and his friends. And he remembered a boy with blonde hair and eyes turning half-moons when he smiled down at Baekhyun.

He remembers now, that it wasn’t just a dream but a memory.

When he opened his eyes at the realization, it was still dark. He couldn’t hear his own breathing over his rapid heartbeat. It somehow still surprised him, though, how much he remembers that blonde boy he used to know as Oh Sehun. Didn’t he forget easily? Why couldn’t he forget the one thing he most wanted to be rid of? Something pressed on his chest, and panicking, Baekhyun got up from his lying position to rest against the headboard. It felt like he couldn’t breathe as images of the said boy filled up his thoughts. Images of them together.

He remembered particularly, the day he playfully ran away from his friends who had threatened to push him into the sea, the day he bumped into a tall, young boy with blonde hair and sharp jawline, who, instead of being angry at him, had only offered his hand for Baekhyun to take before he easily brought the shorter back onto his two legs. He remembered bright smiles and adorable lisp when the boy spoke. Oh Sehun. He remembered saying the boy’s name out loud just to try it on his tongue. He remembered telling the boy his own name, voice just slightly shaking.

He remembered, mostly, how his heart had jumped a beat when Sehun looked him in his eyes.

His vision blurred again at the memory, and they cleared only when the tears fell and wet his cheeks. His hands reached up to wipe his face. He didn’t want to cry. He just wanted to forget. But every time he closes his eyes to imagine washing away all those memories, it was images of those memories that came behind closed lids.

Baekhyun couldn’t forget the way Sehun had smiled at him when he asked for his number. He couldn’t forget how his hands trembled when he keyed in the numbers into Sehun’s cell. He remembered his voice breaking, nervous, when Sehun called the next morning and asked if he was free that Saturday. He remembered saying yes. He remembered the excitement in Sehun’s voice. He remembered falling asleep with a smile on his face. He couldn’t forget even though he tried. He wanted to forget, because those memories only brought him pain.

Sehun didn’t stop seeing him the way he had expected Sehun to. People come and go, Ji-Hyo had said once. And some only visit for a couple of times before they decide they don’t want to stay. Baekhyun was more than prepared for Sehun to leave him behind. But Sehun did the unthinkable; Sehun stayed. And Baekhyun had his heart opened too wide, enough for Sehun to slip in.

Baekhyun let Sehun touch him; he let Sehun hold him because those touches were all that he craved for. Those kisses made him forget all that he wanted to forget. Baekhyun knew he was in too deep, and it was too late to climb back out. But he didn’t want to; he wanted to stay where he was, deep in love because he was sure, that eternity was just ahead of them. He remembers the way his heart flutters when Sehun kisses him; he remembers those words Sehun whispered to him at night just before they went to sleep. He remembered Sehun, mostly.

Sehun made Baekhyun smile when he failed the most important test of his school semester. It had been an impossible task for the rest of his friends who tried. But Sehun and his smile and the way he cradled Baekhyun in his arms alone had formed that small yet existent smile on Baekhyun’s lips. Sehun said he was in love with Baekhyun, and Baekhyun believed him. He was in love too, Baekhyun, it was why he had let Sehun in his life, why he hadn’t pushed him away.

Sehun promised he would stay. He held Baekhyun in his arms and kissed Baekhyun’s lips just before he whispered into the older’s ear that he would never leave, never stop loving Baekhyun, and Baekhyun believed it all. Maybe he shouldn’t have, he thought. Maybe it would have saved him from heartbreak. Sehun was everything that Baekhyun didn’t have. He was the light in Baekhyun’s darkness, and the smile that brought him to life. He knew love because of Sehun.

He should have remembered what Ji Hyo said about people. He should’ve listened when she said that people break promises, either on purpose or not. But he was so in love, he trusts, and he lets Sehun’s sweet words turn into melodious lullaby that would sing him to sleep. He couldn’t find any reason to doubt his boyfriend; Sehun stayed the way he promised he would and Sehun made him the happiest he’d ever been in his entire life. He wanted to believe in forever.

But just as quickly as he had fallen, Sehun was gone. Baekhyun wanted to forget this the most. He wants to forget the way his heart cracked and broke into pieces because it hurt. He wants to forget ever being in love because if he hadn’t been, he would have saved his own heart. He wants to forget the warmth that Sehun brought because now he doesn’t have it. He wants to forget Sehun’s eyes and lips and words. He wants to forget Sehun, mostly.

But it was all those that he wants to forget that wouldn’t leave his mind. It was Sehun’s voice and Sehun’s presence that lingered even after he was long gone.

His pillow now soaked with tears, Baekhyun reached for his phone on the bedside table. He had Sehun’s number on speed dial still, and he didn’t hesitate to press call and press his phone to his ear. The first ring became third then fifth and Baekhyun listened to the ringing until it went on to voicemail. The sound of Sehun’s voice through the phone had his heart clenching again, and his chest hurt again. Sorry I didn’t pick up. Call back later, arasseo? If you’re Baekhyun, don’t miss me too much. I’ll see you very soon. I love you. Oh, and please do leave a message.

Something blocked Baekhyun’s throat when he parted his lips, but he managed to speak. “Hey, Sehun. I know you won’t get this call, but… I miss you. So much. I wish you could hear me right now and know just how much I miss you. I love you too.”

His voice trailed off when the beep sounded; indicating that the time for his message had ended. He remembered exactly what he’d said to Sehun the first time he heard the latter’s voicemail, saying that he really shouldn’t have included his name in it because other people will eventually hear it too. What did Sehun say then? I want them to know. Baekhyun couldn’t forget it.

His fingers shakily redialed Sehun’s number, pressing his phone once again to his ear. The ringing, like before, went on voicemail.

Sorry I didn’t pick up. Call back later, arasseo? If you’re Baekhyun, don’t miss me too much. I’ll see you very soon. I love you. Oh, and please do leave a message.

Baekhyun only clutched his cell to his chest this time because the pain in his heart was too much to bear. The tears wouldn’t stop coming as he slid down further onto the bed, his back on the mattress once again. He misses that voice so much; he would do anything just to hear it again. But the voicemail wasn’t enough. He wanted to hear Sehun’s voice replying to him. But he knew that nothing he does would ever, ever let him hear his lover’s voice again.

Baekhyun doesn’t blame Sehun for breaking his promise. He was broken, yes, he was angry. He remembered the day his phone rang and Sehun’s number appeared. He remembered the smile forming on his lips because it was Sehun who called and he had missed Sehun even though they met until late the night before. He also remembered, though, the voice on the other end of the line not being Sehun’s but his mother’s. He remembered the words Sehun’s mother said to him. He remembered how sad she had sounded when she told him that Sehun was gone, that he didn’t wake up from his sleep. Baekhyun remembered, especially, how his knees had crumbled beneath him along with his heart. He was broken and angry that Sehun had left without him.

Who was it that had held him the day they buried his boyfriend underground? He couldn’t remember. He remembered that he had lost his ability to stand straight; he needed someone else supporting his weight because his legs seemed to have stopped working. He remembered the look on Sehun’s pale face when he looked over the casket. It seemed, at that time, that he’d lost all reason to live as he kissed his boyfriend’s cold skin. Sehun looked peaceful, and he was mad because he was left here empty and alone, without the one person who gave him a reason to be.

He wasn’t mad at Sehun; Baekhyun only loved him more if it was even possible. It made it harder to let go. He spent days just locked in his room because he couldn’t find a reason to be out of it. Who was he going to see? What was he going to do if all that greeted him were only parts of Sehun that was left behind? Pain and tears were the only company he had left. Pain and tears and memories. Memories he wanted to erase and forget because they only hurt.

It seemed like it was just yesterday when Baekhyun saw Sehun’s face, eyes smiling as he looked into Baekhyun’s and mouth whispering words that Baekhyun held close; I’ll hold you for a million years. Those were promises, Baekhyun remembered, promises that Sehun had unintentionally broken. Baekhyun was angry at the world, mostly, at whatever forces that had taken Sehun away from him and robbed him off of his happiness. He hadn’t had enough; he needed more time to spend with Sehun. And even then, he knew he’d never have enough.

Holding his breath now, he tearfully listened to the ringing again, just waiting to be put on voicemail because besides the picture on his bedside table, besides the memories and all that belonged to Sehun being in his possession now, it was the voicemail that brought him as close to Sehun as he could be. Sorry I didn’t pick up. Call back later, arasseo? If you’re Baekhyun, don’t miss me too much. I’ll see you very soon. I love you. Oh, and please do leave a message.

His silent cries had somehow turned into loud sobbing as he tried to breathe, his phone clutched to his chest. He barely noticed someone bursting into his room after having heard his noises. He barely recognized the male who had him in his arms just as soon as he’d come. He only knew that his chest hurt and he couldn’t breathe and all he could think of was Sehun smiling, Sehun leaving and just Sehun. He could hear Ji Hyo in the room, cupping his face and telling him that it’s okay.

But he knew it wasn’t okay; he’s not okay. He knew that these people who are trying to keep him alive should just give up because he will never be okay, no matter how long it takes. He wanted to squirm away from the arms that wrapped around him because it hurts too much for him to stay still, but the owner of those arms only tightened his hold and he wasn’t strong enough.

“Shh, Baekhyun. You’ve gotta let go, Baek. It’s time to let go.” His captor finally spoke, and he recognized the voice to be of Chanyeol’s, one of his closest friends. Chanyeol sounded like he would cry too, but obviously trying to hold it within himself.

Baekhyun tried to stop the tears, but the ache in his heart only increased as he sobbed into Chanyeol’s chest. “It hurts, Chanyeol. It hurts. I can’t take it anymore.”

Ji Hyo said something about getting some water but nothing was louder than his own ragged breathing. The phone that had somehow been thrown on the other side of the bed flashed suddenly, catching his attention, only to disappoint him when he realized that it had been on continuous redialing, flashing only when he was put to voicemail. He barely heard the crackled sound of Sehun’s voicemail message, because all he could see then was the picture on his phone screen, of a smiling Sehun he had taken a year ago, on the beach where they first met.

Despite the agony all over his body inside and out, Baekhyun could feel a smile creep up his lips as he reach for his phone, tracing the picture of Sehun with his thumb. “He’s so happy here, don’t you think? I loved it when he smiles. He always smiles. He loves us all, you know?”

Chanyeol smiled as he nodded, gently squeezing Baekhyun’s shoulder. “I know. We love him too, Baek.”

Another tear fell down Baekhyun’s left cheek as he continued to stare at the picture, the screen lighting up again as the voicemail message came, his voice breaking when he spoke. “I miss him so much. He left me too early.”

His best friend sighed and takes the phone away from Baekhyun’s hand. “We all miss him, Baekhyun. But we need to get going. Wherever he is now, he’s happy. And I don’t wanna sound like a mom but you know what they always say about how those who left us will be happier if we’re happy? Yeah, I believe that and I want you to believe it too.”

Baekhyun sobbed and he nodded, his whole face felt swollen from crying. “It’s hard, though.”

“I know. Do you believe in a next life, Baek?” Chanyeol’s words got Baekhyun’s attention, because finally he looked up and into Chanyeol’s piercing gaze. Chanyeol took it as a yes and continued; “If you are meant to be with someone, you will see them again, sooner or later.”

Baekhyun’s gaze drifted to the framed picture of him and Sehun on his bedside table. He thought about Sehun’s smile just after they pulled away from a kiss. He remembered Sehun’s half-lidded eyes as they looked into his, showing nothing else but love as he told Baekhyun how beautiful he is without saying a word. He blinked, and he couldn’t stop the stream of tears but this time he smiled. It hurt still, and he remembered exactly how Sehun’s voice sounded like when he told Baekhyun he loved him for the last time on their last night. He sounded so sincere yet somehow sad, like he’d known it would be the last time he could say it. The kiss they shared that night was soft, slow and long and Sehun held him longer than usual before they parted.

He sobbed again, his fist clutched at his chest as if he could stop his heart from breaking any further, only this time his sobs were more controlled and Chanyeol seemed to know that he needed to be left alone, because the taller male hugged Baekhyun one more time before he left, closing the door behind him and leaving Baekhyun with the memories of Sehun.

That night, Baekhyun curled under the blanket Sehun and him had shared before, clutching the sweater that belonged to Sehun and somehow still had Sehun’s scent just lingering on it. He kept the phone on redial, held close to him as he listened to Sehun’s voicemail over and over again until sleep came and took over him.

Sorry I didn’t pick up. Call back later, arasseo? If you’re Baekhyun, don’t miss me too much. I’ll see you very soon. I love you. Oh, and please do leave a message.

I’ll see you very soon, he thought as he fell asleep with a smile and the sound of Sehun’s somehow angelic voice, a soothing to his ears.

A/N: I understand if you all hate me after this. I hate myself too. But the first thing I thought of when I got this prompt was the very idea I had poured out into words above. I'm sorry ;__; 3k words of heartbreak. Comments, as always, are appreciated. I cried and died too ok don't blame me but I'm sorry too. I love Sehun. And Baekhyun. And Sebaek. K bye. See you next fluff, I mean chap. Yeah, next chap with super fluff. 

And wolf!au omg I'm nervous.