Chapter 4

Japan 1189

            Changmi eyed the horizon with an observant gaze. Yunho was supposed to come home today. He had been gone for months, fighting Taira warriors that refused to accept the change in power. Her husband was a samurai and he took great pride in the title but Changmi often wished that he could have a normal job like a merchant or a farmer so he could be home with her more often.

Yunho loved to travel to far off places and he lived for the thrill of defeating a particularly skilled opponent. He would write her letters describing all his tales of adventure and bring her home gifts from exotic places but it never felt like enough. Letters and trinkets were nothing compared to Yunho’s actual presence.

Changmi would hate to take away something so important to her husband, something that made him thrive with life, so she tried not to persuade him too much away from it. That didn’t stop her from wishing he would retire though. She thought sometimes that maybe it would have been better if she had been a samurai as well. She didn’t lack the intelligence or the strength. While Yunho was away, Changmi was in charge of the peasants that owed them loyalty and she kept strict records on any problem that required her wisdom. Yunho had taught her years ago how to fight, in case a rival clan decided to attack their home. Changmi had an affinity for it, instantly showing skills in weapons she had never held before. Yunho said it was a sign from the gods and a blessing on a samurai’s wife but he refused to teach her anything beyond the basic skills, saying that he didn’t want it to tempt her to follow him to battle. It was scary how well he could read her mind. If it weren’t for her responsibilities at home and Yunho’s stern words, Changmi would have followed him without a moment’s doubt.

But after all her waiting, Yunho was going to be home tonight. At least, that was what he had specified in his last letter, but it would not be the last time Yunho had been distracted by a new task or required to help by other samurais. Either way, Changmi had cleaned their house top to bottom, making sure everything was flawless. She sent the neighbor boy away, not to return for weeks, until Yunho left again. Everything was absolutely perfect; all Changmi needed now was Yunho. Ignoring proper conduct, Changmi took a cloth and waited for Yunho outside, sitting on the ground. She did not want to miss a second of Yunho, even if it was just him on his horse. Changmi had been waiting outside all day, just in case Yunho had managed to come home early. She did not eat; what if Yunho returned while she was fetching food? Changmi did not burden herself with mending or any games to take her mind off the waiting; she simply sat there on her cloth and waited, watching.

When the sun began to set, Changmi did not lose hope. She sat there faithfully. When the crickets began to chirp and the frogs began to croak, Changmi barely blinked. Yunho was coming home. She knew she was waiting, just like she was always waiting, but this time she knew Yunho was coming back. He was riding back to her right now, instead of riding away to another fight.

The moon shone down on Changmi, bright and clear in its pity for the woman. It was with this light that Changmi finally spotted a moving figure in the distance. She tried to still the treacherous hope rising in , knowing that it could simply be any rider. Their home was a little out of the village bounds so they did not see many visitors but it was not completely unheard of. As the figure rode closer, Changmi recognized the horse, Takeshi, and the foreign bow that Yunho insisted on carrying but never using. It was Yunho! He was finally home!

Forgetting propriety, Changmi ran towards Yunho. Her husband swung down from his horse, trusting Takeshi not to gallop too far away from him. Laughing, Yunho opened his arms for Changmi to jump into. Changmi threw her arms around his neck and Yunho lifted her, spinning her around, before setting her back down on her own feet and kissing her. Changmi clutched him to her, feeling complete again, as she kissed him back with all the loneliness she had endured while he was gone.

When Yunho finally pulled back for the necessary air, Changmi began to attack his face and neck, peppering them with kisses. Yunho laughed giddily from the attention and from excitement to be home. “Why hello, Changmi.”

“Be quiet,” Changmi replied, turning his face back down to reconnect their lips. Yunho responded, laughing into Changmi’s mouth but not resisting.

“Should we be doing this out in the open?” Yunho asked when his mouth was available for speaking again.

“No one is around,” Changmi protested, still kissing every part of him she could reach. She would never be able to get enough skin contact with him.

“Just let me take care of Takeshi,” Yunho consoled, pushing his wife away playfully. Changmi pouted and Yunho had to press a kiss to her forehead in response. “Then I am all yours,” he finished, grinning.

Changmi’s mouth transformed from a cute pout to a mischievous smirk and she walked away to the house, adding a little extra swish to her hips. Yunho shook his head, reminding himself to concentrate; just get the hips. No the horse! Just put the horse away, then follow wife to bedroom. Yunho scampered over to Takeshi and quickly ushered him into the pasture after removing his equipment.

“I will brush you extra long later, Takeshi,” he promised the horse. “But you understand right?” Takeshi whinnied, as if to ask him why Yunho was still here when his wife was in the house. “I knew you would,” Yunho grinned and left Takeshi for Changmi. He entered the house to find Changmi completely and impatient. It was a good welcome home ceremony.

Later, while they were lying together on their mat, Yunho described to Changmi all the places he had been and all the people he had met. Changmi nodded, awed at all of Yunho’s activities, but inside she was bitter. Why did Yunho get to have all the adventures? Honestly though, that was not even why Changmi was upset. If Yunho got to go to far off places, then she should go with him. If he had to stay home, then she would stay with him. Changmi would go wherever Yunho went, as long as they got to stay together. But for now, she thought, Yunho was home. So Changmi tried to put her resentment to rest and simply enjoy the time they had together.

The next day, Yunho told Changmi that he only had eleven days to spend with her before he was being sent out on a mission again. Changmi sighed deeply but abided her time, promising herself that she would ask him about it later.  They spent their second day together in bed, laughing and kissing and just being together. There was no one, no world, that existed beyond themselves and Changmi could not have been happier. That was what she always wanted, that little world that only consisted of them. It was her Nirvana.

The third day, Yunho insisted that they be productive, or at least get out of bed, so Changmi spent the day teaching him how to cook. Yunho knew how to make the basics, in case he was left alone on a mission, but Changmi’s meals were the stuff of legends. She did not so much teach him how to cook, but more so that they made a feast together. Changmi had to tell Yunho how to do each step but neither of them minded and, when they finally ate the fruits of their labor that night, it tasted of love and perfection. Changmi beamed when Yunho told her that everyone else’s cooking paled in comparison to hers whenever he was on the road. It was the truth, he insisted. Changmi did not tell him that was because she practiced endlessly while he was away so that Yunho would always have the very best chef for a wife.

On the fourth night that Yunho was home, Changmi finally got up her courage to ask Yunho what she had been meaning to for months now. It was a touchy subject but Changmi couldn’t stand to leave things be anymore. They were getting older and this behavior needed to stop soon.

“Otto-san, have you thought about retiring at all?” She asked. Her main reasons were selfish but Yunho was no longer as young as he used to be and his deteriorating reflexes were bound to kill him one day if he didn’t give up fighting. Most samurai found their end that way and Changmi wanted her husband to die peacefully with her in their house. Call her self-centered but Changmi wanted Yunho to live a long, full life.

Yunho looked up from his food, shocked at the turn of the conversation; they had previously been discussing whether or not Takeshi was getting too old and if they needed to buy a new horse to replace him. “Of course not, why would I ever think of retiring?”

“Well, you’re getting a little older and if we want to have a family, it would be better for the children if you didn’t risk your life daily,” Changmi replied, listing just a few of the many reasons Yunho should retire his samurai katana.

“I am not that old, Changmi, and if you want children, we shall have them. I grew up without my father around and I turned out just fine. Do you not believe in my ability as a samurai?” Yunho asked, his pride wounded.

“Well, of course I do but even the best samurai will be defeated one day and I want our children to have a father as long as possible,” Changmi knew that his male ego would deafen him to her plea if she was not careful.

“When the day comes that I pass on, we shall take it as a sign from the gods and accept it as their plan for our family,” Yunho asserted, not understanding why his wife was being so uselessly difficult. Retirement was not an option for him.

“Why can their plan not involve you peacefully at home with your wife and children surrounding you?” Changmi pressed on.

“I do not know, I try not to make a habit of questioning the gods,” Yunho replied tersely, ready to move on to a new subject, or even silence. Changmi breathed a deep sigh of exasperation and decided to just ask about the main issue head on.

“Why do you have to fight?”

Yunho nearly choked on his food then, knowing exactly what Changmi meant beyond the literal meaning of her words.

“You know why I have to fight, Changmi,” Yunho’s gaze tried to communicate with Changmi that this was not a topic he ever wished to discuss but his wife was too far gone to care about civil propriety.

“For the clan? That is such horse and you know it, Yunho. You don’t care who you are fighting for just as long as you can ride away and kill people.” Yunho hit his wife then. Most men made a practice of using their wives as punching bags but Yunho usually reserved his beatings for special occasions when he lost his temper. Being slapped by her husband was not a nonexistent event but it was rather rare and Changmi stared at Yunho in surprise.

“Remember who you are, wife. And do not pretend like you are flawless. Did you not think I would find out about the neighbor boy? He is, what, ten years younger than you? Frankly, I am surprised your aged beauty managed to ensnare him at all.” Yunho’s anger made him say things he never would otherwise. He did, truly, find his wife the most beautiful woman in all of the world, but that did nothing to dampen the jealousy and betrayal that ran deep. If anything, it just added salt to his already rotting wounds.

Changmi’s gasp was enough to confirm to Yunho that she had never expected him to find out. “H-how? How do you know about that?” She stuttered out, more afraid of how she had hurt her husband than anything else, not that her anger would let her admit to such a thing.

“Does it matter, Changmi? You have lain with him either way and deceived me.”

Oh, that did it. This conversation was supposed to be about him, not her. All of Changmi’s rage came back, twice as strong and three times as intense.

“You are always gone, all the time, what do you expect me to do without you? Do you have any idea what it is like? You cannot because you are the one that decided to leave so don’t you dare judge me for trying to have a life when my own husband thinks I am not worth the time!” Yunho tried to intervene here, and tell her how incorrect her last statement was, but Changmi’s temper, when released, was like Pandora’s Box and could not be undone. “I need someone to love, Yunho! You cannot just leave me alone for months at a time and expect me to be just fine without you. I am human, and I need some sort of affection. Oh, and I supposed you do not find comfort in the arms of some local girl while you are away?”

“Never!” Yunho shouted back, “I have never slept with anyone but you, and trust me, wife, there were plenty of offers. But I thought of you and denied them all. Every single one of them.”

“Well then you are a saint!” Changmi cried. Tears clouded her vision but she refused to let them fall down her cheeks. She would not show weakness here! “Do you not need human contact?”

“Apparently not as much as you,” Yunho responded coldly. He stood up and left the room. Changmi sat for a second, shell-shocked, not even realizing that she had begun to cry. That was not how she had wanted that conversation to go. Yunho was going to tell her that he loved her and that if she wished it, he would gladly retire his katana. But he had known. He had known about the neighbor boy. Changmi had not expected that one bit. The boy, Yoochun, was just a distraction. She only needed Yoochun because Yunho was absent and she always felt guilty about it. Remembering that the root problem here was Yunho, Changmi felt her anger rising again and abandoned the room as well.

As they stormed away to do separate chores in different areas of the house, both were too clouded by their anger to realize that the argument had caused more problems than it had solved. Neither said a word to each other when they saw one another until it was night time and Changmi said a terse “goodnight” while she closed the sliding door to their bedroom.

Yunho slept in a different room that night. It was not uncommon for husbands and wives to sleep on separate mats but Yunho and Changmi had always lain together. Even when they fought, Yunho would apologize to Changmi and curl up behind her and they would wake up tangled in each other’s arms. Not that night, however; that night, Yunho retreated to their second bedroom and fell asleep with only his anger to keep him warm.

His samurai instincts woke him instantly when a small body snuggled into his back a few hours after they had retired for the night. Yunho knew who it was though, from the way her body fit so exactly against his like they were made for each other, and he knew she was not a threat. Changmi might be irritated with him but Yunho knew her love for him was unconditional and she could never actually hurt him. The slight scent of jasmine floated from Changmi’s body to Yunho’s nose and he breathed in her scent deeply, hoping to embed it into his memory forever.

Yunho to his back, wrapping an arm around Changmi’s shoulders in the process. She snuggled closed to his chest then and carefully draped an arm across his stomach. She was not sure how he would react and her cheek still burned from earlier. “I am sorry about earlier, Yunho. I just miss you so much while you are away and I want you safe at home with me. You cannot even imagine the soul-eating loneliness.”

“I know, Changmi. I miss you dearly too, I hope you understand that. And I apologize for slapping you earlier,” Yunho often apologized after hitting Changmi. It meant a lot to Changmi because most men did not even feel guilty afterwards, at least according to her friends. Their husbands were scum compared to her Yunho. “But Yoochun, Changmi. Why Yoochun? Why anyone at all? I know that it gets lonely but I bear it for you. Why can you not do the same?”

“Yoochun was… convenient,” Changmi admitted. “He is young and has no illusions of love for me. I know you can bear that burden but you are strong, Yunho. You are stronger than me. And you make the decision to leave. Everything is by your choice. But I do not have that luxury; I am left alone with no other option but to endure and deal with it.”

Yunho sighed, aware that there was truth to Changmi’s words. “You do not love him?”

“No, I harbor no affections for him beyond that of a neighbor,” Changmi said, meaning every word. Yoochun was really nothing to her other than a pale replacement for Yunho. The poor boy could not hold a flame to Yunho.  “He is just a warm body.”

Yunho hummed over that for a minute; he was relieved that Changmi did not love Yoochun but their affair still displeased him. It felt like he was losing his wife to the neighbor boy. “So my options here are my career or my wife?” Yunho asked. Honestly, he was not sure that he could decide between the two, given the ultimatum.

“No!” Changmi cried, clutching Yunho even tighter. “You will always have me.” That truth would always remain. Changmi added in her mind that Yunho’s choice was how often he had her.

Yunho sighed again; he seemed to be doing a lot of that lately. “Let us sleep for tonight, wife. We can think it over in the morning.” Changmi agreed and they fell asleep in the secondary bedroom, not quite happy but definitely less angry than they had been.

But when the next morning came and went, they did not discuss it. Yunho had already made his decision years ago and he was addicted to the katana now. He knew that in his heart but did not know how to tell his wife. On top of that, Yunho was content to pretend that he had never found out about Yoochun as long as they could be the same as always when they were together. Yunho decided that he still would not sleep with other girls but since he did leave Changmi alone, she was allowed to continue her affair with Yoochun. It was his fault that she had sought comfort in Yoochun’s arms after all.

Although he did not say any of this out loud, Changmi understood from the way that Yunho pretended the fight that night had never happened. She went along with the façade because she did not have the courage to defy Yunho again. Basically, she still had Yoochun but not Yunho, not fully at least. But it had always been Yunho that she wanted.

So they went through their days like nothing had transpired, and they were happy. Not a real kind of happy but the fake kind when you know something is terribly and utterly broken, but you do not have the fortitude to accept that fact. Changmi still made them delicious meals and Yunho told her tales of his travels but their actions were hollow and without sincerity. The couple tip-toed around each other, like they were made of porcelain and would creak at any sign of distress. Or maybe it was their relationship that they were worried about, and not each other.

On the tenth night, Changmi risked their temporary peace during their evening meal again. She had to ask, just in case Yunho magically changed his mind and Changmi would be saved from all this useless waiting.

“Please take me with you,” Changmi begged. It was an argument they had many times but Changmi was never less than serious about it.

“Changmi, must you always bring this up?” Yunho rubbed in between his eyes, mentally exhausted.

“Yes!” Changmi defended. “I am going to continue to beg you about it until you let me come with you. You know I can fight; why will you not let me fight alongside you?” Changmi wanted nothing more than to just watch over Yunho; he would not be in as much danger if she were there to guard his back.

“Women are not allowed among that rank of samurai.” Yunho brought up the same old reason that was truly no reason at all.

“That is not true and you know it. There are units composed entirely of women and those units are oftentimes the most effective.”

“How many of my meetings have you been eavesdropping on?” Yunho asked, alarmed at his wife’s abundance of knowledge.

“So you admit it?” Changmi seized on Yunho’s moment of weakness.

“That is not the point here, Changmi. How. Many. Of my meetings. Have you been eavesdropping on?” Yunho asked around clenched teeth.

“Just one or two,” Changmi said with bashful eyes. When Yunho just bestowed upon her a disbelieving look, she continued. “Or most of them. Or all of them.”

“Which one is it, wife?”

“Every meeting that you have hosted here, I have listened to,” Changmi admitted.

“You are never to do that again,” Yunho said. He shut down, a cold, business like demeanor covering his appearance. If his wife should threaten his position among the samurai, he would be forced to actually do something to punish her improper behavior.

Changmi sighed, noticing the action for what it was. She would get nothing out of Yunho tonight. Accepting defeat, Changmi reached across the table to grab Yunho’s hand assuredly. Yunho smiled, and they finished eating peacefully. The couple continued their pretense until the day Yunho left again.

“Return to me safely,” Changmi whispered into his chest as she clung to him desperately. Takeshi was the only one present to witness their embrace.

“Always,” Yunho replied. He pulled away with a small kiss and mounted Takeshi. “I love you,” he called to Changmi, waving, before he spurred Takeshi into movement, trotting away.

“I love you too,” Changmi said back, but her words were lost in the wind between them.

When he had become just a small speck in Changmi’s sight, Yunho glanced back at Changmi with an ecstatic grin on his face, waved once more, and then galloped off to an unknown land, screaming a warrior cry just for fun as he went.

That was when Changmi realized that she would always be waiting for Yunho. Forever waiting for the news of his death or for him to return to her, and the waiting drove her mad. An unconscious part of her knew that someday he would simply not return to her. Yunho would perish in battle, as would befit a samurai and she would only be left with his dead body, if his future killers decided to show that courtesy. How she wished she could show him how it felt to be left behind to wonder about Yunho’s safety and not know if he was celebrating a victory or bleeding out as a battle waged around him. Changmi wanted to put Yunho in her position so that he would realize the pain he put her through and maybe not desert her so often. But for now, all Changmi could do, was sit and wait. Always waiting….

Authors Note

For historical accuracy, Yunho's name would be Ryouhei, Changmi's would be Nanako, and Yoochun's Kaname. 

So no one commented on the first chapter about optional scenes. This one would either be when Yunho first came home or when Changmi came in to apologize. Thoughts?

So yeah, I don't have too much to add about this chapter. Comment with your thoughts! I'd love to hear them :)