Kai was the last person he had talked with that night and the criminologists call him first. The police had been alerted from a boy who studies with him and hasn't seen him lately and they found him sprawled on the floor, already dead before the allergy had spread in his body, most probably due to a wound in his head as it was hit in the table. They said he must have panicked when the allergic attack started, and tripped on the carped.

I am busy now, Kai.

Jongin screams. He screams so loud, so lost that nobody ever hears him. Not even Sehun, who is there and doesn't leave him for days. Jongin screams, holding pale arms covered with nasty red rash, broken sobs spilling over a body as lifeless as he himself feels, and his tears fall on an unrecognizable face that has never belonged to Yixing, but is his nonetheless, and that's wrong.

I am waiting for the strawberry pie I ordered to come.

Jongin has to be deaf, because he is sure his throat is sore from shouting even when he doesn't remember doing it. He must be blind, too, because people try to catch his attention, make him pull away from the dead body “We have to make an autopsy, move away from the corpse, sir!”, but he holds onto it for dear life.

“Lay is not a corpse. He has a competition and he hates me and he has to be there so he is not a ing corpse.”

“Sir, I'm afr-”

“I SAID SHUT THE HELL UP! Let me think.”

Yet there is nothing to think about. He knew something was not okay, he should have remembered Lay was allergic to strawberries, he should have ran to his house, stop him, save him. But he didn't and now Lay is dead. Tears finally start falling at the realization that it's his fault.

That's what you wanted.

No I...

You killed him, happy now? He did it because of you.

I...he must have forgot he's allergic, he does it sometimes, he..

Stop it, Kim Jongin. You wanted him hurt, dead, gone. Except he got under your skin, didn't he? And you were ready to change for him. Hilarious, but you can never change, you know that, right? That's why you left him choke to death, you little piece of . You didn't forget he couldn't eat strawberries. You just didn't want to do anything to save him and now you're crying. Put your puppet show up, Jongin, but no one believes the lying shepherd boy.

Shut up shut up shut up shut-

“We'll be late for the funeral, Jongin. He doesn't have a lot of friends in Seoul, we have to be there” - Sehun says and even though he didn't know Yixing, his voice is full of sadness. Kai doesn't move, he hasn't in a few days now, and Sehun's attitude changes immediately “You owe him at least that much.”

Two empty eyes fix on the younger boy, red with the lack of sleep or crying or maybe both. Sehun never hears him sob at night ever since he moved to live with him, but he hears the constant shifting of his body and sheets that always end up curled on the floor in the morning when Jongin has finally passed out in a nervous nap, as though his demons only leave him rest when the sun rises.

“I can't.”

“You know, back then... you were right, Jongin” - Sehun admits, kneeing down so he can reach the level of Kai's eyes and he gazes straight into them, searching for the faintest sign of humanity, if there has even left any, to grasp on “It was different with that Chinese boy. KyungJoo, the girl you hurt so much three years ago, she is still out there and she hates your guts, but Zhang Yixing is dead because he couldn't. You went beyond his limits, even beyond yours and I don't know how you can even live with yourself, but you have to get a grip and continue living. Have the ing decency to suffer your consequences like a man, Kim Jongin, or Kai or however you like to call yourself.

Sehun might have overdone himself, but a few minutes later he has Jongin in the car and he is driving to the cemetery.

The funeral ceremony lasts half an hour, there are a few boys and girls crying, one even recites a speech in Chinese which ends up in incoherent mewls and somebody has to take him down and bring him back to his seat. Kai doesn't really pay attention. When it's his turn to talk he just goes to the wooden coffin and opens it, albeit gawky. They told him the cover is put so Yixing's deformed face wouldn't sicken people and Kai does feel sick, but that's how he is obliged to remember him – not the Yixing who was maybe willing to be his, but the Yixing who he turned down because of... what? Ironically, with Lay's death came an end to his understandings of life too. He had no clue what was he all about a few months ago, even if it had seemed so important.

Jongin has a problem with remembering things lately anyway.

At three o'clock Yixing's body is buried with only a wooden crucifix to indicate that there is a corpse in the dirt. It's too soon for the grave stone to be put.

Kai stays there until midnight. Jongin never leaves.

As for Zhang Yixing, he never attends that competition and his star dies before it has even had the time to shine.

~

It's the end of August that Kai leaves his studio and never comes back. Some people swear he was crying that day and others say he was just looking broken. Little pieces of life, glued together improperly.

“You were right, Jongin. Not hearts are made to be broken. Spirits are” - Lay's words echo in his mind heavily. The images in his head mix up, different faces occur. Amongst them, blurry and smudged, outline cute dimples shouldering pulp lips, pale skin, big brown eyes – Yixing. He is smiling at him again, as gently as ever. Kai reaches out to grasp the thought of his Lay, thinking that maybe if he succeeds, that will actually bring the Chinese boy back to him. His hands only feel the stuffiness and sweltering summer heat and that's when the tears finally start falling. Thump, thump, thump on his shoes, on the concrete asphalt, like daggers through his heart. The sun is blurred and seems so far away - distant, cold yet burning gruesome on Kai's tanned skin. Thunderstorm of lost ways and never found paths digs it's way up to his throat, suffocating him from the inside out, but he finds it impossible to stop walking. If he does, he knows that will be the end of him. So he walks. Because even after losing every purpose and direction, disappearing in vain still bothers him the most and he chooses to live with his sour memories than let go.

Ashes to ashes and Lay to dust. That's how it is and nothing will change that.

Tears are for the living, despite some are living as dead.

Kim Jongin's ballet studio remains abandoned on the streets of Samcheondong – plundered and dark and lonely as life around it continues in the same rushed way, unmindful of whether there is or there is nothing special about the old building. Memories fade away faster than people do and soon nobody can even recall if the studio was ever used and if there was ever a melancholic tanned boy, who went by the name of Kai.

It's September and yellow leafs color the streets as Oh Sehun comes to search for Kai one final time, hope long lost. He has received a text message on the last day of July, four simple words that made his heart hurt and obey even if he wasn't so sure he wanted to.

“Are you coming, oppa, the taxi is waiting?” - a female voice calls him and the blond boy turns to her somewhat confused, slowly returning back to reality. He nods, faint smile curling it's way on his lips, because she is so pretty and she is his and that's all that matters. They interlace fingers, her grip a bit stronger, comforting in a way. As they step away from Studio Fumee, Sehun takes his phone out automatically, reading the one message he can't force himself to delete.

From: Kim Jongin, 31.07.13

Take care of Yixing.

“Where to?”- the taxi driver asks as the couple enters his car. It smells like cigarettes, machine oil and old people, but Sehun doesn't even register it, still a bit lost in a corner of his mind.

I will take care of him, Kai. Just come back soon, okay?

“Mapo-gu, Hapjeong, Yanghwajin*”

Yixing's last home.

• Mapo-gu, Hapjeong, Yanghwajin – a cemetery for foreigners

A/N: Last author note! That was it, guys! Thank you all for the patience, I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing this story... Wait, okay, honesty time - I didn't enjoy writing it. I was frustrated and full of self-doubt and really, I just wanted to finish it as soon as possible, but that little monster of an one-shot is my baby so I love it no matter what. :D 

I also hope I succeeded to at least make you a bit sad with the ending, even though I didn't make it as dramatic and tragic as I wanted to. Oh well... But killing Yixing was very dramatic for my own self OKAY he is my bias after all TT.TT 

So yeah, that was from me and see you again sometime! ^^