They figure out they should go drinking somewhere tonight since it's Friday and that means no dance tomorrow. Jongin keeps it to himself that even with Sehun, his best friend, he hasn't hung around so much, and Yixing doesn't admit he has never went out for a drink because of his low alcohol tolerance.

Seoul is by default a city of infinite vigor, secrets spilled over bottles of soju and illuminations, so many of them that Lay feels dizzy. And Apgujeong shines best at night, paradoxical as it is, for it's bright lights and restless people who never seem to need any sleep. The streets smell of wet concrete hence this afternoon's rain, and street food and life and it's all so ridiculously beautiful, to be here and just exist.

“Let's just buy something and go to your place, I don't feel like dealing with anyone today” - Kai suggests and Yixing means to tell him that he doesn't want to deal with anyone everyday, but he realizes it's utterly useless.

“I am not sure I want you to come over, though” - the Chinese boy says, blunt as always. It's different when they are in the studio together, Kai is his boss there, but his apartment is his home. If you keep a Pandora's box with you out of curiosity you don't take it home, you don't let it invade your personal space even further than it already has. If you do, it's much more possible for it to open it's jaws and tear you down.

“I am not sure too. But I am going to come, either ways” - Kai answers, shrugging his shoulders ever so casually like he wasn't even asking for permission, but stating plain facts. That's what Lay hates about Jongin, he believes he is almighty. As though he is the center of the world, or Lay's world at least. And yes, maybe he is not quite sure what he is even doing, getting so close to a person that self-destructive and obsessive, not to speak from the same , but all of this doesn't mean his life depends on a few nice words from a boy younger than him. He can't let himself get dragged into the pit only because Jongin says he's going to end there.

Yixing's apartment is big and roomy, Jongin estimates after an improvised tour, but kind of empty nonetheless. Only a few rooms look inhabited and even in there, the walls are painted in dull colors, whispering of loneliness and apathy, nothing like Yixing. He asks him why is it so while Yixing searches for whiskey glasses, not expecting such personal question.

“My ex-girlfriend used to live here with me, we had plans to renovate the place. I guess I have lost the desire to continue from where we stopped when she left.”

“Why did you break up?”

“Just because. I didn't seem to be enough.” It's his indefinite answer that leaves Kai curious to know more. Definitely not because he feels sorry for Yixing.

“How come?” Yixing makes himself comfortable on the table, pouring whiskey from the bottle in Kai's glass and then with reluctance in his own, as his hands twitch for a second and the amber fluid spills on the polished wood. He doesn't utter a word before he cleans up the mess, eyes focused on wiping like his existence holds on drying his table. Jongin observes him attentively from the broad board in the kitchen, his head tilted to rest on his palms.

“She cheated on me.”

They don't cross the subject again, not even when half of the bottle is emptied and Kai opens up a tiny bit more, the alcohol in his system suppressing his harsh sarcasm and shaking down his walls. They don't discuss it as they lay beside the table on the eminence carpet and his features soften, eyes misty with fatigue. Instead they talk about dance and music and voices. And in a universe where it's just them, a universe caught between four walls and painted in dull ecru, talking about dance means talking about love. Kai learns that Lay can play the guitar, furthermore, he composes music and wishes to be a star one day. He acknowledges Lay's first kiss was when he was seven from a girl he helped tie her shoe laces. Lay's role model is JJ Lin, a Chinese singer whom Kai has never heard of in his life and he manages to somehow conveniently persuade Lay to sing for him a few lines of any song just so he can get a clearer vision of this JJ Lin guy. Lay agrees because he truly loves singing or maybe because he obviously can't ignore any of Jongin's requests, he is not sure. He sways his still full glass between his fingers while he is singing, careful not to spill it again, and Kai fixes his stare on it. Left. Right. Then left again and crosswise.

“You aren't drinking. Why aren't you drinking?” - is Kai's first question after Yixing's voice raises one more time and he quietens.

“I don't drink well. I get dizzy from the first shot and try to avoid alcohol as much as possible” - he explains a bit angry. Kai, however, hardly even notices for more important questions occupy his mind.

“Then why did you even agree in the first place?”

Yixing simply shrugs his shoulders as it's the best answer he can possibly give the tanned boy without having to deal with his own consciousness as well.

“Because you still have to explain your choreography to me” - he adds, suddenly remembering about Jongin's promise.

“Which one?”

“Allegro et adagio. The thing you will do for the competition. I googled it but that actually got me more confused...” - Yixing shamefully admits, rolling on his left on the floor and props up on his hand so he can look better at Jongin.

“Sometimes I forget how illiterate you are in terms of ballet” - Jongin snorts, as though that explains the alpha and omega of life, but by now he is drunk enough to weasel around like he usually does. “Allegro stands for brisk, lively and comes from Latin, or was it Italian? Either ways, it applies to fast, nimble movements and all the steps of elevation in ballet fall under this term. Like assemble, which I showed you last Thursday, or jete or entrechat. There's many of them. Do you get it so far?”

Jongin's voice is a bit slurred and comes out slower than usual, but he is fairly understandable so Lay says that he does and that Jongin can continue.

“Adagio has the exact opposite meaning. It represents slow, enfolding movements. Adagio is grace, fluidity. It often is in combination with your favorite arabesque step and others such as plié or attitude. It's quite simple to understand, much more harder is to merge it in a performance without it looking amateur or lacking, though. Basically my theme represents the struggle of combining allegro and adagio both in music and performance at the same time.”

Yixing comes to the conclusion that maybe he and Jongin are also allegro and adagio in their own way. While Jongin is so cocksure and forever changing, Yixing is the calm one. His dance is always more composed, just like in ballet – he is graceful whereas Jongin is the epitome of vitality. The Chinese boy doesn't ask why is it so hard to combine both techniques for even if he didn't have as much experience in dance as he does, he could still judge by his own and Jongin's queer relationship. Allegro never waits, it illuminates you in a glimpse, leaves you breathless like fireworks on new year's eve, and then it's gone before you can reach your hand out to follow. Adagio won't ever overtake, not when the race is already won before it has even started. It may be present in the back, might support the whole event and carry the weight on it's shoulders but in the end, it's always going to be too slow, too weak, too submissive. Far too useless in a world where allegro means all. Yixing doesn't belong in Jongin's brisk world, not like he is right now. Them being the same doesn't even matter, it's not the physical intimacy that disturbs Yixing, nor what people would have to say, it's beyond that. It's about belonging and being wanted. It's about sharing glasses of wine in winter nights, snuggled by the fire place, even when they lack a shared house, and Yixing doesn't quite fancy alcohol. Because they can still never have it together.

*Non "allegro" et "adagio", "allegro" existe malgré l' "adagio".

“Sounds like you are risking it all for something that has the least chance to succeed” - is Yixing's only comment. He breathes in kind of heavily, hating how he wants to make Jongin leave and never come to his house again. He should have never let him in here in the first place, and he is aware of that, because now they both realize there is no getting rid of him. Jongin is the asbestos hiding behind his walls, the infection that will soak through his lungs and send him to rot until he falls apart. It's sadder how he keeps on breathing it in and he likes it, how damn much does he like it.

“Pretty much.”

Kai raises his hand to touch Yixing's cheek for a second.

“Be a good hyung and pass me the glass after you fill it, please. I am not drunk enough.”

“For what, it's not like you are going to jump on me and need some help to do so” - Yixing grunts and being the strong-willed individual he is..., he stands up to do what he's asked. Kai laughs at him indefinitely, standing up too so he can lean onto the arm-chair, hugging it child-like. His next words are in full controversy with his sleepy face and therefore shock Yixing even more.

“I really don't need any help. If I want to kiss you I will do it and if you want me to you can just ask.”

“You're sick.” The Chinese boy hands Kai the glass and takes his seat next to him, despite his words. It's only when he turns to him to say something, as he notices Kai's face is abnormally close to his and their eyes meet before their lips do. It tastes like whiskey, maybe a bit like remorse, but Kai's lips press harder against his than they are supposed to and he can't convince himself that he hates it when in fact he absolutely loves it.

“Why do you do this?” - Lay asks some time later after the memory of the kiss fades to monochrome throbbing in his heart instead of a deafening beat through his brain. It takes only a glance at Kai for the latter to understand that the question is not just about them kissing. It's about everything Kai is trying to achieve with him as though he is some kind of wacko experiment.

“Because that's all I have, Yixing.”

“You have money and people who love you. You also have people who are willing to love you, in spite of all the you put them through. What more do you need?”

“You never quite figured it out, did you? I am only me when I destroy, Lay. I like it when people hurt. I like it even more when you hurt. You see, you affect me in a way that makes me want to break you so that you'll never be able to glue the pieces back together.”

What neither of them dares to say, but comes without words in the feather touches and whiskey scented almost kisses is that shattering Yixing is the way for Jongin to do with himself too. As of late, Yixing reincarnates all that Jongin lacks – two lives separate from each other yet complementary to one another in a somewhat predestinated, sick way. How typical of Jongin, choosing all that is good to crush.

They end up curled next to each other that night and it's the first time Yixing doesn't stare at a painting, present from his ex-girlfriend, before he dozes of to dreamland. Tonight, he stares at a tanned ballet dancer who is three years younger than him and probably the worst thing that has ever happened to him. Ironically enough, he falls asleep with a smile on his lips.

~

Yixing wakes up with a ghastly taste of alcohol in his mouth and it takes him a few minutes to recollect his memories from last night. The vision of whiskey moist lips nibbling his own, a feather touch before it turns into fingers locking together on Kai's neck, gripping his hair slightly as if to push him away, but just bringing him closer instead. Just searching for an answer mute voice echoes where no answer is to be found for it's the question sometimes that is essential and it's all an excuse to breathe more of the nasty asbestos in his lungs, as it's now nothing but a murderous drug.

The clock shows 11:37, the green sticky note glued to a half full bottle of Jim shows Kai is long gone.

“Gotta run” - is written there with a legible hand, - “have morning classes.”

No goodbye, what's left for a good morning. Anger and disappointment clog the back of his throat leaving bitter aftertaste and out of a sudden, the morning is not that good as it might have been. Yixing cleans his house thoroughly after which takes a long shower and usually, the stress would be gone when he's done drying his hair, but it's not, in fact he's even more pissed off, like seriously who plays like this with people? So what, Kim Jongin thinks he is all so special and irreplaceable? Yeah right. Oh, and he understands the alphabet of life, now doesn't he? Even if he does, is it enough? No, this was the last straw. Every patience has it's limits.

Yixing grabs his back he has just prepared and locks the front door of his apartment with a thud. In his whole entire life he hasn't been that worked up about someone. Because of someone, actually. Therefore it's quite understandable that the moment he spots Kai, he demands talking to him instantly.

“But I st-...”

“But me no buts, your ballerinas can take care of themselves for five minutes.”

It's the sharpness in Yixing's voice that silences Jongin's protest and he instructs the two teenage girls on the dance floor to finish their last piece and leave.

“What's wrong?”

“You. Your attitude. I think I am kind of sick with it” - Kai takes a seat on the white bench before the studio, heat making his skin sweat in tiny droplets. Yixing is far too out of it to stop moving, though, and he continues walking around, trampling upon the grass.

“It wasn't my fault I had to leave, you know. I have a job I can't quit whenever I want to” - the tanned boy says just so he can start the conversation. He is pleased with Yixing finally showing him some temper but...

“Have you ever thought that maybe it's not about you this once? The world doesn't revolve around a self-centered douche who is one too absorbed in himself to even care, Jongin. And maybe your problem is exactly your impossibility to fathom this ” - Lay reasons. Their business relationship has slowly transformed in a lot more complicated one consisting of far too much unexpressed intimacy and shared vices to leave any place for shyness. Well, last night had proved at least that, if nothing else. And still, Kai can't help but find himself getting surprised at the Chinese boy's words. Who would have thought there hides someone so fierce? Jongin swallows a giggle, for he had thought fierce Lay was only there when dancing was involved. How good he has mistaken on that one.

“Ouch?”

“... Sorry, but it seems that you only listen to me when I behave like you do. I am serious tho, Jongin. Why should it be about you, this story, when I am in it too? Why should you be so selfish? It wasn't only you having a life to cope with, it was you trying to prove some normal people laugh at. What did you say a few weeks ago? Hearts were meant to be broken? Do you sincerely, truly think so?”

Kai grows quiet, brows furrowed in confusion. It's not everyday that people make him think about stuff, for they have long time ago given up on it, knowing the stubborn him who will either ways do what he has decided to.

“Yes.”

“Wrong. Hearts aren't made to be broken, spirits are. And I will be needing mine for a long time”- it wasn't an easy decision, what Yixing was about to say. It didn't only take him 7 cross-streets to come to it, but also took all wish to dance he had for the time being and that scared him to death. Without dance, he'd be completely useless. Worthless, in fact. He isn't rich enough to afford himself losing his passion.

“What I am trying to say is” - Yixing's eyes fixate on Kai's fingers so he won't have to face him just yet, - “It's... I won't be training with you anymore. There is less than a month before the competition, I will continue on my own from now on.”

Bang, and the forever calm Kim Kai is in shock. Speechless for once. If that's not a win, Yixing doesn't know what is. Yet it surely feels like a loss when his heart clenches in protest to his actions.

Sorry, heart. You ed this, me, up, now I am cleaning the mess. You have no right to be like this.

“I guess it's your choice. You have payed 'till the end of the month, my cashier will give you the rest of your money back and um... I will see you on the competition then?” If Yixing thought Kai was going to beg him to stay, he was so wrong. Okay, so things didn't quite turn out like he planned them to and all he wants is to make the Chinese boy stay, but principles are principles.

“Yeah, I will. Goodbye, Jongin.”

“See you, Lay.”

When Zhang Yixing is finally gone from his studio, and, apparently, from Jongin's life as well, it is like he never was there at all. Except not entirely. Days turn into a trivial routine of “You're doing it wrong” and “Start off from the beginning you too” and “The barre is not for you to rely on, Hwa Eun, treat it like your partner” and Kai honestly hates to be so bored. Sehun comes to see him from time to time, but as he still studies too, he doesn't in his life as often as before, which Jongin might or might not quite like. He finds it funny that before Yixing his life was not very different from now, but boredom didn't seem so burdensome back then since he didn't have anything to compare it to. Like living in a messy house and one day you find it thoroughly cleaned, the floor polished, windows glass clear, wardrobes well-arranged and it's your house, right? Same address, bathroom – on the left, kitchen straight ahead but you don't know this place at all now, do you? Sleeping on your bed is not the same, nor is preparing lunch. Yixing metaphorically cleaned the house in Jongin's mind, but all of a sudden, he wasn't there to explain him how to live in it and it , having to learn alone all over again. Through Lay's absence Kai figured out he was lacking the one thing that happened to make his house feel less empty. He should have lit the stupid thing while Yixing was inside, so he'd burn with it too, but it is late now. The bastard is stronger than Jongin thought.

Why did he end like this?