Notes: First, let me just say that I love your title. It’s catchy and unique, and the title alone made me want to read your story. Now let me add that I love the pairing. There are so many Hunhans, Taoris, and Kaisoos out there, but I love  the fact that this is a LayKai. Those two are a few of my favorite dancers in Exo, and Lay is just so damn adorable I can’t even take it. Alright, enough fangirling. Now let’s get on with this critique.

Ok, so first of all, this won’t be a very long critique, given that this is a oneshot. As far as grammar goes, I didn’t find any major mistakes. So I can’t really say much about it accept for giving you props for good grammar.

Ok so let’s talk about the plot. Just as I was getting into the story, it ends. What was the reason for making it so short? Nothing even happened. I was waiting for some steamy action once inside Yixing’s room. Just as things were heating up, the story ends. I’m supposing that you had a good reason for doing this, but I feel like you seriously left readers hanging. Maybe you’ll make a sequel? I think the story had great potential, so I felt sad that the story ended just as it was getting started. So many questions were left hanging in the air. How does Jongin really feel about Yixing? Do they become a couple or is it just a one night stand? Is Yixing really in love with Jongin or does he just need a release? I feel like these were important questions that should’ve been answered.

As for the characters, I’d have to say they weren’t very well developed ONLY because you ended the story so quickly. As far as pace goes, you did an excellent job in keeping a steady pace in developing your characters. Since you ended the story, character’s personalities and qualities were left unfinished. Had you extended the story or made it a chapter story, I think you would’ve developed the characters brilliantly. 

As for your writing style, I would say that it is decent. I was able to picture the scenes, with only slight confusion. For example, you sort of just switched from junior year to senior year(?) It sort of felt like a whip lash, so just practice on your transitions to make a smoother flow. But that was the only major thing that I could find.

Side Notes:

Advice: Make it longer! This could be my inner LayKai ship screaming, but you should definitely make this a chapter story. There’s so much you could do with this story. Things like do they really love each other, or is it a one night stand? There was so much you could’ve done with Jongin’s character as well. He seemed to have inner turmoil about his feelings for Yixing, so maybe you could write it out as him loving Yixing, but not sure how his loved ones would feel about it. You could definitely make him a complicated character, maybe in the end breaking Yixing’s heart because he’s afraid of what people might think. 

But for real though, I was sad that it ended so quickly.

Kudos: You did a very good job in developing the characters (subsiding the fact that the story ended so quickly). You were able to paint the picture very well, and make me feel what the character’s were feeling (mainly Lay and Kai.) Great job!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Reviewer’s Notes: I know I kept saying to extend your story, and I apologize if I came across annoying. But please make this a chapter story. there’s so much you can do with this idea. Please don’t forget to give this shop credit in the foreword of your story.