“Appa…”  I lowered my fork back into the warm bowl of ramen noodle soup.

“Yea?”  Appa continued to look down at his meatloaf as he stuffed another piece into his mouth.

I sighed.  My heart racing.  My mind spinning.  My mouth felt dry.  I took a sip of water.

“Do you… hate her?”  I looked at my father.  He paused for a second and then continued eating.

“Who?”  He mumbled while still chewing the remaining meatloaf in his mouth.

 “Umma.”  I managed to scramble out.

My father stopped eating.  He put his fork down and reached for a napkin to wipe his mouth.  He then looked up at me and just observed me for a moment.

“Why are you asking?”  His voice was low.

“I’m… just curious.”

He nodded as if he understood.  “No.  No, I don’t.”

My eye brows scrunched together.  “Why?”

He smiled while he sighed.  “You’re umma… She uh-” He looked away.

It looked like he was trying to find excuses.

“Hanyoung-ah.” He called my name calmly. “Your umma had a good reason to leave.”

Yea right.  It was only good for her.

I raised one eyebrow.  “Because she had an affair?”

He shook his head.  “I made her a promise.  I told her I would give her everything her heart desired if she married me.  But I couldn’t give everything to her.  It’s my fault that I was too selfish in the beginning.”

I continued looking at him.

“I know that what she did to us… to you, created a big hole in your heart.  But instead of digging into that hole and causing yourself more stress and hurt, try to only think of the good memories.  Live on with only those good memories in your heart.  Even though at the end she was a hurtful person, in the beginning she was a wonderful mother to you.”

I just couldn’t understand how his train of thoughts functioned.  I couldn’t be as forgiving as Appa.  I can’t forgive her.

He continued as he reached out for my hand.  “So from now on, forgive her.  It hurts me to see you in so much pain because of your umma.”

I can forgive her for what she did to me.

I looked at the visible wrinkles on my father’s face as he smiled warmly at me. 

But I can never forgive her for what she did to my father…

Seeing that I wasn’t answering him, Appa retreated his hand and started eating again.

“Appa.” 

He didn’t look up at me but answered.  “Hm?”

“Mianhae.” I bit the inside of my bottom lip.

“For what?”

For leaving you so early.  For hiding such things from you.  For being selfish.  For not being able to help you more. 

“Just.. for everything.”  I forced a small smile on my face as a tear managed to escape from my right eye.

Appa smiled brightly.  “Araso.”  He nodded.  “From now on, don’t do things that you will cause you to say sorry.”

I just nodded. 

I might have to say sorry a lot more from now on.

I reached for my fork but before my fingers even touched the cold end of the metal utensil, a sharp pain shot across the upper part of my abdomen.  I quickly reacted as I grabbed my sides and hunched forward.

Immediately, I stood up and managed to run into the bathroom.

It felt as if I was being stabbed multiple times on the anterior part of my uppermost abdomen.  I bit my bottom lip as tears started to brim the corner of my eyes.

I could hear Appa knocking on the door, asking if I’m okay.

“I- I’m okay,” I managed to squeeze out.  “It’s just-”

I gripped my sides tighter as I took a deep breath in and out.  “It’s just a stomach ache.”

I tighten my jaw as sweat started to moisten around my neck and forehead.

“Are you sure?”  Appa’s words were rushed. “Hanyoung-ah, let’s go to the hospital! I’ll grab your stuff and call a cab so open the door and come out!”

“Aniyo!”  I could feel cold sweat creep down my spine.  I swallowed hard as I prayed for the pain to disappear quickly.

“Hurry!  Kim Hanyoung!  Open this door immediately!”

Almost immediately, I could feel the pain decreasing.  I took a few deep breaths as I swallowed on my spit again.  I pushed myself off the ground and washed my face with cold water.  As soon as I wiped my face with a dry towel I opened the door to my father’s worried, pale face.

I smiled.  “Gwenchana yo.”

Appa sighed.  “Let’s go to the hospital.”

I shook my head.  “Appa.  It was just a stomach ache.  I had… diarrhea.”  I smiled again.

Appa nodded his head; although he didn’t look completely reassured he smiled and grabbed my hand.  “Araso.  Go rest, I’ll clean up.”

“Aniyo.  I will do it.”  Without waiting for a response, I walked over to the kitchen and started cleaning up.

 

~*~

 

“Goodnight Appa.”  I smiled and bowed slightly and headed towards my room.  As soon as the door closed I sighed.

I opened the draw at my computer desk and moved all the paper on the top.  I reached for the bottle of pain killers Dr. Jang gave me.  It wasn’t painful anymore, but I still felt uncomfortable.  I ate a pill along with a gulp of water from my water bottle.  After concealing my bottle of pain killers under the papers, I headed towards my bed and slowly drifted off to sleep.

 

~*~

 

-flashback-

Two weeks ago

(Kim Sanghyun’s POV)

“But I’m Kim Hanyoung’s father.”  I said looking at the doctor as I pleaded.

The young doctor sighed.  “I’m sorry.  But for confidential purposes, I cannot show you her health checkup records without her permission.  No matter whom you are to her.”

I sighed.  “Doctor Choi, I feel like there’s something wrong with my child, and she’s hiding it from me.  I just want to make sure Hanyoung is okay.  She’s been acting strange lately and I have to find out why.”

Doctor Choi started again.  “I understand that, but regulations state that I can’t-”

I quickly dropped to my knees.  “Please. Just do me this one favor.”  I begged.

Doctor Choi quickly kneeled in front of my and tried to pull me up by my elbows. “Ajushhi, please don’t do this.  Please get up.”

I refused and pleaded again.

Doctor Choi sighed and rubbed his forehead.  “Okay.  I’ll make a copy for you.  Just please, get up.”

I got up and sat on the chair Doctor Choi led me to.  Doctor Choi then walked towards his office as I waited there.

Some people around looked at me curiously. 

Moments later, Doctor Choi walked towards me and handed me a big yellow envelope.

“Thank you very much, Doctor Choi.”  I smiled at him and bowed.  Doctor Choi bowed back and turned to leave.

As soon as I got on the bus, I opened the envelope and pulled out the papers. 

 

---

 

Walking up the street to our house seemed longer.  It was tougher to walk as I pass each house.  I sighed.  It seemed like the leaves falling off of the tree knew how I felt.  Pieces of my heart seemed to fall every time a leaf fell off and touched the ground.  My heart felt heavy, my legs and arm felt weak.  I stopped and sat down on a bench. 

I noticed a handsome young man walking up the street.  He smiled at me and nodded slightly as he continued on his way.

I reached for my wallet and took out a picture of Hanyoung when she was only four years old. 

Aigoo.  My poor daughter. 

I wipe the corner of my eyes and stuffed the picture back into my wallet.

After a few minutes, I got up and started up the road again.

I noticed the young man who walked pass me earlier was standing there idly.  He was on the phone.  The young man walked forward, towards a young woman who I couldn’t very see clearly.  I walked forward.  The young man kneeled down in front of the young woman and placed his hands on her shoulders.  As he did, the young woman looked up, sobbing.

It was Hanyoung.

“Mianhae.”  The young man apologized to her, as he pulled her towards his shoulder.  “Mianhae.” He repeated.

I quickly turned around and headed back down the street.  I wiped my eyes and sighed.

-end of flashback-

 

Touching the door of my daughter’s room, tears welled up in my eyes.  I sighed and whispered to the door, “Aigoo.  My poor child.”