Let's just say that during this time, I was completely out of my mind, and selfish to a certain degree.  I felt that I had to be the superhero of my own life. I had the responsibility to save all those who loved and cared about me. I mean, there weren’t many who did, but it was still a huge burden.  And to start it off, I wanted my other half to at least have no effect from my ordeal at all. I mean, all he really did was bump into the wrong woman on the street and fell in love.  What he didn't realize, is that he became one of the unluckiest man in South Korea because of that one accident. 

Hyunwoo. Lee Hyunwoo. He was the only son of Lee Empire Co. & Inc.  It was indeed one of the largest growing businesses in South Korea; which held lines of hotels, resorts, spas, two malls and it was even starting to expand to other countries around S. Korea.  And he was lined up to be the next CEO.  He worked beside his father as Vice President.  He's everything any girl would want.  Handsome, tall, intelligent, kind, responsible and more.  I mean, he did have shortcomings but hey, what more can you expect?

I saw his tall, lean figure running towards me.  His tie was loose and dangling around his neck, over his white button up shirt.  He looked uncomfortable in his dress up pants and dress up shoes as he ran.

When he finally reached the bench I was waiting at, he was already out of breath. "Ah, sorry." He explained, panting for air, "Did you wait long?"

30 minutes. "No." I slightly forced a smile. He must've been able to hint the sadness in my voice.

"Aish, seriously?" He pulled me into his arms for a hug and placed one hand on the back of my head.  He teased, "You're going to sulk about this? I was in a meeting." I could feel him smiling just from the sound of his voice, "Sorry." He apologized sincerely.

I said nothing.  I wasn't mad at him.  I was just worried about how I was going to break up with him.  Yes, break up.

Why did he have to be late today?  Why?  Out of all the times before today, why did it have to be today?  You see, I didn't want him to misunderstand.  I wanted him to know it wasnt because of him that we were breaking up.  But I didn't want him to know about the real reason why I wanted this to happen.

I guess if you were me, you would want to tell the people you love that you were dying so you can spend the rest of your days blissfully with them.  It was different for me.  I didn’t want them to shed even a single tear drop because of me.  I didn’t want to distract them from their everyday lives.  I wanted them to live as if I never existed to them.  I know this very well.  I know how selfish I am.

I sighed and then pushed him off softly.  "Yah. If you're going to be this late again," I gave him a stern look, "at least run here looking dashing and cool."  I smiled lightly, “What’s up with your awkward way of running towards me because of your shoes and pants? Hmm?” I tilted my chin up towards him as if I was trying to mock him.

He chuckled. "Araso." His hand casually slid onto mine as our hands interlocked, almost habitually.  “Next time, I’ll be sure to send you a text or call you.”

Next time… I wonder how many more “next times” we will have?  No, I have to stop this now… before my liver starts to really act up.  And he’ll notice something wrong with me…

We started walking down the path.  Casual, simple dates like this were how we usually spent time together.  Nothing fancy nor too extravagant.  And I liked it this way.  This was something I always dreamed of for myself. 

Riing. Riingg~

But not everything goes according to dreams. 

Hyunwoo looked at his phone and then at me.  He smiled quickly and let go of my hand.  He started to walk away and gave me a look as if letting me know “it’s important.”

I didn’t intend to walk closer to eavesdrop.  But my legs just moved on its own. I could hardly hear him.

“Umma. Please…” His back faced me. “I told you I won’t go on anymore blind dates… I already…” He sighed. “Umma, please, just meet Hanyoung once.”

I sighed.  Yes.  This was it.  I always dreamt of being the perfect wife.  The most caring mother.  The sweetest daughter-in-law.  But this was the one thing that didn’t go according to my dreams.  I mean, I don’t blame them for hating me.  I’m just an average girl with no college education nor a high paying job.  If I was them, I wouldn’t let my successful son date me either.  I was the lucky one, Hyunwoo… yea, he’s just unlucky overall to have met someone like me.

I stepped back a few steps and turned away to find a seat on the grass.  This park is always beautiful on Fall days like today.  It wasn’t too hot nor too cold.  And most of the bugs were going back into hibernation.

I heard Hyunwoo sigh as he took a seat next to me. “Sorry, it was some guys from work.”

My eyes met with his. Lies… to protect me…

I just nodded and then looked away.  It was silent.

“Anyways let’s-”

“Hyunwoo-ah…” I cut him off.  This was it.  I had to do it.  He lied to protect me.  So I have to do the same.

I swallowed on my spit.  My throat felt dry.  I needed some water.

“Uh?” I heard curiosity in his voice. 

What should I say?  What should I do?  I might end up hurting him…

No! It’ll hurt him even more if I die by his side.  I need to become a “nobody” to him when I die.

I remember arguing with myself in my head as he sat there clueless, innocently, waiting for me to reply. 

I sighed.  “Hyunwoo-ah…” I looked up at him, trying to be as bold as I can, “Let’s…”

Immediately he turned away and sighed.  He stood up and stretched.  Then he pointed towards some kids playing at the small playground.  “Yah, let’s race to that playground over there.”  He didn’t look down at me but he smiled.  “If I win, you tell me next time and let’s finish out date. If you win…”

He didn’t continue, as if he was thinking of an alternative. I think he sensed it… Me, trying to break up with him…

I stood up, while looking down.  “Let’s break up.”  I said softly.  And then looked up at him.

At first he didn’t say anything.  But then after what seemed like hours, he finally turned his body to face me. His eyebrows scrunch together. “Why?”

I tried my best to hide my sadness. “Because… let’s just break up.”  I couldn’t think of an excuse that would not hurt him but also not make it seem like it was because of him.

He didn’t say anything at first. But then he smiled brightly. “Yah! Stop trying to play around with me.”

I didn’t say thing back but instead I continued to give him a serious look.

His smile faded.  “It’s not because I came late right?” But instead of waiting for a reply, he answered his own question.  “No, you’re not that immature.”

I couldn’t stand it any longer.  I just shook my head and then sighed.  “I’m just having a hard time.  So let’s break up.”

I tried to walk away.  I felt his hand grab my elbow before I could get away.  He let out a small, angry laugh, as if betrayed.  He looked to a distance and then looked back at me. “Are you serious?”

I continued to look straight into his eyes.  “You’re having a hard time?  Do you know how hard I’ve been trying for this relationship?”

I felt a harsh tug in my heart. He continued. “Do you know how much effort I’ve been trying to get my parents to agree?” The butterflies in my stomach were viciously attacking my insides. “Yah, don’t be selfish! Kim Hanyoung, you-”

He stopped mid-sentence.  He noticed my unchanged expression and he was, he looked… hurt. 

“You’re right.  You’ve been trying harder than me.” I reached over with my free hand and slightly pushed his hand off my elbow.  “This relationship… it will never work out.  That’s why I’m ending it.”

As soon as I turned away to walk away, my eyes were b with tears.  I kept my posture as I walked off until I turned the corner and caught a bus in time.  I didn’t look at where it was going, nor did I care.  I just wanted to go somewhere, away from that park.  I sat down at the first seat I saw, I don’t remember exactly where.

I covered my mouth with my hands, trying to lessen the soundless sobbing, with failure. 

Yes, Indeed, I am selfish.  I just wanted to put closure to everything before I go.  I wanted to patch up things that will be left empty if I didn’t do this.

Love?  It’s such a painful thing.  The hurt and the sorrow overshadow the laughter and smiles.  Even if I wanted to make it work out with his parents, I couldn’t.  Even if he was to stay by my side until the end, it’ll hurt.  Love?  I hate love.  Gaining it was so easy and painless.  Leaving it behind is unexplainable feelings of hurt and pain.