"I would always take your side Suzy but I have invested too much in this relationship, so I won't take sides this time. Can't we just put this behind and pretend it didn't happen?"

It was very cruel of me to have said those words to Suzy. I knew I have hurt her feelings, and as a true friend I should have stood up for her. I relaized that I was a coward, now making me less deserving of Suzy. 

From the start, no matter how special Suzy was to me, I've always felt lacking and underserving of her. I was the one who would always need her and she never needed me. Her strengths were enough for the both of us and I felt like I am not capable enough to be with her. Rather than taking a risk, I have decided to let go of Suzy. 

And so by the start of our second term during our freshmen year, I decided opening up myself to having a relationship. Soon, I started going out with Lei. She was from a different department and I thought that I would easily sweep my feelings for Suzy away when I enter a relationship where in the variables of the relationship would be different if Suzy and I lets say end up together. Her major was so different from mine (biotechnology to painting), her building was far from ours so we don't see each other as much and I don't spend too much time with her on regular days as much as I do with Suzy. Unlike Suzy, she always kept to herself, wasn't as outgoing and most of all, she depended on me on a lot of things. 

At the begining of our relationship, I felt like I did the right thing. I learned to love Lei and I began to realize the difference between the way I feel about her and Suzy. Lei always depended on me, if we hold hands my heart throbs, if I look at her I can't help but smile. If I am with Suzy, I am always weary of how I act and I always restrain myself. When Suzy needed me, I'd be always there for her and think that it's just but normal for the two of us. When I was with Lei, everything that we did together felt special. It was clear to me that at that moment Suzy was just a special friend after all. 

And days passed as by, Suzy remained my special friend, as if nothing changed. I was already sure where I would place Suzy in my heart. 

It didn't occur to me that at there'll be a day where in everything in my life flips 360 degrees. 

Lei became more possessive as the days passed, to the point that she was verbally attacking Suzy. Lei easily gets jealous and doubtful of my actions to the point that it was suffocating me. She made me choose, it was as if all those times together were for nothing. Suzy definately has a place in my heart but she never understood why. I eventually broke up with her.

When what used to be special became normal, like a  dying star that used to shine brightly but eventually runs out of energy and would soon turn into a black hole.And then you start to feel something special about what was normal to you before. 

Turning point in my life: Suzy was in a relationship. 

I clearly remember Suzy telling me that she wanted to get my approval to first before she says"yes" to someone who would ask her out. She told me that only a guy like me would know if the guy she would date is a good guy. She was very anxious about dating. One night in the middle of sudying she called me and told me everything. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was counting on her old statement that I get to choose the man she's going to date. After a few dates and a few lengthy chats I was convinced that Suzy was in good hands. But within two months in their relationship, he deicded to sutdy abroad and so Suzy entered into a long-distance realtionship. 

I couldn't help but feel sorry for her everytime she feels down because he hasn't contacted her and sometime she would even call at nights, worried sick about her boyfriend. 

And then I would tell myself, if I took the risk, things would have been very different for both of us. 

And if only if Suzy would look at me now, would things be different as well.