SUHO

It hurts to know she still cares. It hurts to know she’s still affected. It hurts to know that after all this time, going out with her, making her happy, smiling with her, caring for her, she can’t still look at me as a desirable man who should lay her attention on.

It hurts every time I see her I could always see she’s not open yet to me. It hurts to know I’m the only one loving her instead of us, sharing the same love with each other. It hurts to know I’m fooling myself thinking I might be the one to make her forget about her past. I’m fooling myself thinking Siwon cannot get any closer to her because I am the one who is closer to her. I’m fooling my heart for beating so fast whenever she’s around and having these dreams of future with her, lying with me on the green grass of spring, talking about our own future.

I’m such a silly boy madly in love with the girl I really want to feel the same for me. I’m a silly boy who does great just to impress and that she could be proud of me. But what are these things if she doesn’t love me. It’s pointless. Merely pointless, man.

No matter how hard I try, if she doesn’t like nor love me, I’m still the loser. I always lose the battle. I’ve never win even once. I guess this tells that I should really forget my feelings for her. It’s not my love story. It’s hers. It’s her life and in the first place, I should not be in it. Her and Donghae’s love story is not finished yet. It’s still counting.

As she lay down her bed, after I saw her fainted, she looks so helpless. Her colors were gone but she’s as beautiful as an angle. No one could ever suffice her beauty nor destroy it. She’s a beauty in real.

Through the trees, I ran for her, searched for her and found out something. She’s the girl I am looking for, the one I want to know more and care about. She’s Sooyeon.

I should feel really happy, but I just can’t. I just can’t be happy knowing the girl that I swore I’m gonna find is tied to everything. Tied still to Donghae. She can’t get over him nor forget about him.

What on earth did I do for me to hurt this bad?

I have enough of hurting and losing. But when I thought I’m gonna have her, for the very first time, she just slipped away. She’s someone’s property. And I couldn’t risk taking her away because she’s not mine to keep.

Am I like this? Born to be a great loser? I lost almost everything and now, I’m losing someone that is important to me and made me realize I’m still whole. Jessica Jung.

I wiped the tears escaped my eyes. Damn it!

I can’t remember crying this hard until now. I cry because I lost the people so important to me and now, I’m crying because I’m losing someone that is so important to me.

I sat on the bed, caressed her hair. “Jess, I won’t intrude. I mean, this is your life and I should not do things that would hold you back. I should not be here in the first place. It’s getting very late and I know you don’t want me to get low grades tomorrow, right?”

"But I'll study hard, Jessica. I'll do great because you told me to. I want you to be proud of me and tell me I'm great. And most of all, I want you, one day, to tell me, right in front of my face, you love me and that you want me to be with you for the rest of your life," I chuckled. "But that's a wishful thinking, right, Sica? But I need to study because if I'll get low grades, you'll hit me and I might die." I laughed to my own joke. That time, i hoped she could hear me.

I chuckled. “You would hit me hard, right? Ahh. I have enough of headache. I don’t want that. Sica, my love, I’m going home. Take care, you stubborn girl.”

I kissed her on her forehead and whispered, “Saranghae.”

I went out then. I met Yoona downstairs, almost ready to go upstairs to treat Jessica well. She really needs her best friend now especially when she wakes up.

“Suho, thank you so much for bringing Jessica here.,” Yoona thanked me. “But what happened?”

I shrugged and said, “It’s not my place to explain, Yoona. Sorry but I gotta go. Bye.”

“Bye. Be careful.”

I gave her a small smile before going out. I finally walked my way back to my house.