In Constant Stars
25 -- v i c t o r i e s

Heeyoung once asked me, very carefully, as if she were about to step into a field full of landmines, what I thought my father was doing. I told her that he was probably in another country, sleeping with women other than my mother and forgetting about all his responsibilities as a husband and a parental figure. She could probably tell that this answer was more of a fabrication than my true thoughts. By saying that, I probably brushed off her question as an irrelevant one, when in reality I couldn’t think of a good answer. I had no idea.

Occasionally I did wonder if that was really what he was doing. His mind and mine were alike, after all, and somehow the image of my father being locked up in a hotel room with a random woman and spending piles of money on God knew what, didn’t add up in my imagination at all.

Then again, I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what he could possibly be doing otherwise. Perhaps Zelo knew, but he was definitely not going to tell me.

I wasn’t in the best of moods when Christmas break finally came around and I was entitled to freedom and pampering, which was exactly why I did not regret agreeing to Heeyoung’s trip. She promised me a week free from worrying, stress, work, entrance exams and – most importantly – family members who kept secrets from me. Just free from the world as I knew it, and I loved just the mere idea of it.

Therefore, it was a bit of a surprise to see someone very familiar standing at the entrance of the hotel with his back to us once we arrived in Incheon, at the Incheon Bridge View Hotel. His back was to us and we couldn’t see his face from the car, but I still recognised the stance and his shoulders. Jung Daehyun was here. And if Jung Daehyun was here, it only meant that his entire entourage was here as well.

I sharply turned to glare at Heeyoung, who was still looking out the window with a look of wonder. With a suppressed smile, she started: “Hey, isn’t that…?”

“Daehyun?” I all but grumbled. “The guy eerily looks like him, doesn’t he?”

“Oh gee,” she said, still looking so very satisfied and happy with herself before she turned to me with an innocent smile, “I didn’t know they’d be here so early. I thought Himchan said he wanted to arrive in the evening.”

“You knew that they would be here?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer and also the reason why Heeyoung hadn’t told me.

This was an Oopsie that had happened very much on purpose. Heeyoung had a bit of a hero-complex, and she felt that she should always come and save the day if anything went wrong for others she cared about, even if her help was unwanted. And I was positive that she had not told me this vital piece of information on purpose when she wanted to play matchmaker for Daehyun and me, and probably had even more reason not to tell me when she found out that Zelo and I were fighting.

She blinked her eyes at me slowly before she said with an even broader smile: “Yep! I mean, this is Himchan’s Dad’s hotel after all, isn’t it?”

“You ask me?” I muttered drily before opening the door and stepping out. Daehyun had already vanished into the hotel, as it was too cold to stay outside.

I watched Heeyoung struggle with her luggage as I contemplated the situation. It wouldn’t take long before both Daehyun and Zelo would find out that I was staying in the same hotel. Just the fact that the two of them were here as well meant that this week would be an awkward one if nothing would be changed from the way things were back in Seoul.

Daehyun and I were still weird, but in a good way, probably. We still fought a lot and then alternated that with staring at each other like either one of us might just step in a tad too close with certain intentions that I didn’t dare dreaming of. So yeah, weird. But at least we were talking and both trying really hard to pretend that everything was perfectly fine. I supposed things could have been worse.

Worse, like with Zelo.

Yes. Well.

Heeyoung’s suitcase was twice as heavy as mine. Next to that, she brought along three bags filled with what could as well have been lifting weights. I didn’t bother asking her what she’d brought along, because obviously that would be a far too long list of items that she wouldn’t need even once during the coming week. For fun she’d also brought along her guitar, even though the icy weather meant that she wouldn’t be able to play much if she didn’t want her guitar to go horribly off-tune. Of course I ended up carrying some of her bags just because she’d brought too many things.

“I don’t care if you think that it’s pretentious and hierarchically materialistic to use the hotel’s spa, Nana, I will get you to join me for the sauna even if it means that I will have to drag you there,” Heeyoung’s shrill voice sounded behind me as we entered the hotel’s lobby. I was surprised that she was busy being riled up with me instead of complaining over her pile of luggage.

“I’ll join you,” I said in a bored manner, before I saw with great relief that one of the hotel’s workers rushed in our direction to help us with Heeyoung’s things.

“Why don’t you invite me along as well?” Himchan’s voice sounded from our right side. The elevator doors had just closed behind him. For once, he was wearing a neat suit and I thought it was a rather odd, but definitely not a bad change from the usual school attire I was used to seeing him in. He approached us and then carefully went in for a hug from both Heeyoung and me. Afterwards, he seemed almost surprised that I’d let him hug me and I couldn’t help a cheeky grin from finding its way to my lips.

Heeyoung smiled. “I was thoroughly convinced that your father had you slaving around here to make sure everything would be going just perfectly.”

Now everything made sense to me. Of course Himchan had invited his friends to his Dad’s hotel during its opening week, when all of their most valued future clients would be coming in. He could easily drag any of his friends along to help during the week and they wouldn’t have a choice because they would be staying for free. Suddenly it was so easy to tell, because Heeyoung had done this to me so many times before.

Goodness. The way Himchan and Heeyoung thought alike was just creepy.

Himchan sighed and moved his hand through his hair. “I am, actually. I’m here to welcome everyone personally and them to their rooms while making all this small talk. And small talk isn’t a problem usually, but it gets so boring after the fiftieth old dude with no sense of humour.”

“You’ll find a way to amuse yourself. In the meanwhile, why don’t you us to our room?” Heeyoung asked, looking much like she didn’t have the time for Himchan’s whining. She didn’t notice that she’d already lost his attention.

“Hm, I think this just got significantly more interesting,” Himchan muttered as he eyed the girl who’d just entered the hotel. He turned back to us with an energetic grin, handed me a card and said: “You’re both capable and intelligent girls, you don’t need my help. Later.”

And off he was.

“This is truly too typical,” Heeyoung said as she flipped her hair over her shoulder. We shared a look of amusement while Himchan started flirting with the girl who’d just come in.

So perhaps our welcome to the hotel hadn’t been as personal as Himchan’s Dad might have wanted it to be, but at least the room we were assigned to was pretty amazing. I knew immediately how much I would come to enjoy the coming week, whether Daehyun and Zelo would be there or not. The room was a lot wider than most hotel rooms were, so instead of having two beds positioned next to each other, our beds were at opposite ends of the room. When I woke up in the morning, the first thing I’d see would be Heeyoung’s bed.

“It seems that this is one of the rooms my mother got her hands on. I recognise this style of decorating,” Heeyoung said almost distastefully while setting her guitar case down on one of the beds. She closely inspected the flower on her bedside table with a pensive look. I could tell that she secretly enjoyed the flamboyancy and luxury of the room, but she was feeling too proud to admit that her mother had done a very good job decorating it.

“It’s really nice,” I said simply, hoping that she wouldn’t feel too inclined to start a discussion with me about my opinion of her mother’s work, but to my surprise she only nodded. Without another word, she took her laptop out of its bag and some music, before she went to unpack her things. I did the same.

“Don’t put that dress away,” it suddenly sounded from behind me after I stood up to hang my dress away in the wardrobe on my side. Confused, I looked down at the bright red dress in my hands that my mother bought me as an early Christmas present. I’d told her that she shouldn’t have gone through the trouble, but she’d insisted that I deserved a good present, especially now that I had officially received the scholarship. The dress was gorgeous, but looked much too expensive to me. Half afraid of damaging it, I’d almost considered not packing it along.

“Why?” I asked Heeyoung. “I thought we were just going to have a simple dinner after this and chill out here?”

Heeyoung shrugged casually as she held up a shirt and inspected it, then tossed it over her shoulder on her bed. I had no clue if the shrug was directed at my question or her clothing, so I asked the same question again.

“Well, that’s basically what we’re going to do, yeah.”

“Okay,” I drawled slowly, “then why do I need the dress?”

“Nothing in particular. It’s just pretty.”

“Oh.”

“Uh-huh.”

A silence loomed over us.

“Heeyoung?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s something you’re not telling me again, isn’t there?”

She halted in her action of repeatedly inspecting and tossing clothes around her, looked up at me and smiled at me faux-innocently.

“Just trust me, Nana.”

I do strongly believe that in a past life I must have done something really bad to have Kang Heeyoung assigned as my best friend in this lifetime and simultaneously not know how to say ‘no’ to her. I repeatedly told myself that as I stared at the small podium set in the ballroom of the hotel, where Himchan’s father stood, holding his speech with a glass of champagne in his right hand. He was a stout man with a figure you wouldn’t expect judging by his son’s looks. He wore a pair of glasses that were neither very modern nor too outdated, just in between. He tended to smile a lot, in a fashion so contagious that I’d found my cheeks tiring themselves out halfway through his talk.

At the same time I tried hard not to ball my hands into fists while clutching onto the hem of my dress, but it was particularly hard not to knowing that Daehyun was sat a table away from me. I could practically feel his stare burning into my back. Thankfully Heeyoung and I had arrived late, otherwise I would have had to deal with the shock of seeing Daehyun this early into the trip along with actually having to talk to him all at once. My fragile heart wouldn’t have been able to handle that kind of pressure.

Since when had I become so nervous meeting Daehyun? I had no idea. Perhaps it was the idea of seeing him somewhere out of Seoul. Away from Seoul, where Jinae was, therefore away from my feelings of guilt? The only thing I knew for sure was that I’d felt my heart speed up to twice its initial heart rate the moment my eyes had met Daehyun’s when Heeyoung and I hastily stepped through the doors of the ballroom.

“Why did you not tell me about this?” I whispered to Heeyoung with clenched teeth and a forced smile upon my expression.

My friend, who was sat right beside me, answered easily: “If you’d known, you would have thought up some stupid excuse like having an upset tummy or something and you wouldn’t have come. I need you here, Nana, otherwise I’ll die tragically from boredom.”

“But Himchan and Youngjae and even Yongguk are here too. They can entertain you; it doesn’t have to be me,” I whispered back hotly.

“You misunderstand me,” she said after a halt in our conversation wherein we clapped for something that Himchan’s father had said, even though neither of us seemed to have heard what it was. We simply clapped along with the rest of the crowd. “You’re not here to entertain me personally. I just want to see you squirm from being with Daehyun and Zelo in the same room at once.”

I turned my head quickly to face her, only to be greeted with her smug, smirking face.

“Have to say, it’s quite a show so far,” she said, just to rub it in.

Right then everyone stood up and held out their champagne glass. Once upon a time I would have frowned upon the amount of underage teens drinking alcohol along with the adults, but by now I’d learned to not comment on it anymore. In the upper circles, this was simply how things went. Heeyoung was long adjusted to this lifestyle and, with much ease and elegance, she took a sip from her glass as her eyes furtively scanned the people around us. Everyone was getting up and soon she took off with a simple wave of her hand to approach a group of important-looking businessmen. Still, she made sure to raise a challenging eyebrow at me before departing.

She was definitely enjoying herself, alright. Enjoying torturing me.

“Choi Nana? Is that you?” I heard a vaguely familiar sounding voice from my side. Hesitantly, I turned around, only to find a thin, tired-looking face I recognised as Baek Ilsung’s.

Baek Ilsung used to be a rival of Minhyuk’s. Whereas Minhyuk was constantly praised for being the son of an architect while not really doing anything for that attention, Baek Ilsung was the one who’d constantly wanted to be acknowledged for his talents. At age 12, he began taking an interest in the stock market. The moment he was granted a custodian account by his parents at age 15, he’d started investing in all the right stocks, thus becoming one of the youngest elite.

At the same time Baek Ilsung wasn’t the bright and charismatic type like Minhyuk. Minhyuk lived for the spotlight and would always enjoy having the attention on him during get togethers. Ilsung always gave off a rather scheming vibe and talking to him was found to be comparably difficult. At that point, it was clear who the apple to everyone’s eyes was. I’d always felt somewhat bad for him whenever I saw his forlorn look at times, but then he would make a snappy comment at Minhyuk and all my sympathy would vanish in an instant.

I smiled uncomfortably, but still said: “Ilsung. It’s good to see you.”

“Likewise,” he said, as he smiled broadly. His teeth were so white that they could have lit up the entire room, but I wasn’t particularly interested. “I was surprised to see you here, but I suppose that is rather silly of me considering that the ever popular Kang heiress is here as well.”

I could only nod at this and hope that I’d be able to magically escape this ballroom sometime soon.

“Would you care for a dance?” Ilsung asked, as he held out his hand. He’d probably grown up learning these little mannerisms, the true actions of a gentleman, just like how Heeyoung had learnt all the tedious rules of etiquette ever since she was young.

I didn’t respond, but I figured I couldn’t think of any excuse to reject his proposition. The moment I touched my hand to his, I could feel a stare burning into my back and I didn’t need to look behind me to know that it was Daehyun. in a deep breath, I smiled distractedly to my dancing partner before taking a few steps forward.

“But really, Nana,” he suddenly said after the second song, “I was rather surprised to see that Lee Minhyuk isn’t here to chaperon you. Is it true that the two of you have broken up?”

My lips thinned because I knew he had long figured out the answer to his own question. Ilsung was slowly starting to get on my nerves with his inquisitiveness, but if there was one thing I’d learned from attending all these fancy events with Heeyoung, it was that it was never fine to lose your patience during formalities. Discipline and tolerance were essential to maintain a proper stance amidst people who loved to intimidate you. Losing your cool was one of the ugliest ways of showing that you didn’t have your stuff together.

I maintained my smile so well that I even surprised myself.

“Yes, we did. Around the beginning of this year,” I answered simply.

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” Ilsung said, not sounding sorry at all. “I do occasionally find myself wondering what exactly has happened to Minhyuk. He does not attend any functions anymore. Has he really gone into the… entertainment business? I can’t say I didn’t see it coming though. He’s always craved the… cheap kind of attention, hasn’t he?”

The words sounded like venom coming from his mouth. I immediately stiffened from hearing his attacking words, realising where he was heading with this conversation. If he thought that just because Minhyuk and I weren’t dating anymore meant that I would seize the opportunity to backstab my ex, he was very wrong.

In that moment I looked up, past his shoulder, to accidentally meet eyes with Daehyun. I couldn’t tell from the distance what he was thinking. I only knew, somehow, that he was staring at us, and that he’d probably been doing so for a while now. I felt the air being knocked out of my lungs just realising as much and my mind was pulled away from the anger I’d just experienced from Ilsung’s provoking words.

“I’m sorry, I don’t quite feel like dancing anymore,” I said hastily as I let go of my hold on Ilsung’s shoulders. He seemed taken aback by my sudden distance, but he didn’t stop me.

As I walked away I realised that I would regret not saying anything, so I turned back to take a last look at him. He looked funny with his mouth dropped open in surprise. I seized the opportunity and said: “Also, I think it’s wonderful that Minhyuk has finally dedicated himself to his dream and passion. He’s working very hard to reach his goal and I think that that’s pretty amazing. It would be terribly disappointing if anyone were to look down on that.”

Without waiting for his response, I turned back in the direction of Daehyun and hastily made my way over to him. Funny how talking to Ilsung had made me realise that Daehyun’s presence was far more relieving than anyone else’s in that stuffy ballroom.

By that point, Daehyun was smiling brightly as he started heading to me as well. His smile beat creepy Ilsung’s 1000 watt smile by miles.

“Did you really need to dance two songs with some creep to realise that I’m actually far more handsome than any guy here?” he asked jokingly once we’d found each other in the middle.

I felt like I was out of breath, and as if it was the only thing I could do, I shook my head as a no.

Daehyun’s expression softened at my silence. In that moment it felt like he didn’t really know what to do with me, whether to be angry because I’d tried to stay away from him yet again or to be amused by my indecisiveness. He held out his hand and waited for me to take it before we joined the other dancing couples on the floor.

“Choi Nana, always avoiding me, always ignoring me and trying her very best to pretend that I don’t exist whenever it suits her,” he whispered. His words weren’t vicious, unlike what I’d expected beforehand. Moreover, he sounded like he felt very helpless. “I still don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

“I wasn’t avoiding you,” I lied, “I’m here now, am I not?”

“But I don’t understand… First you avoid me, but then you suddenly traded your dancing partner for me in the middle of a song. Why?”

I looked away and wondered the same thing to myself as well. My goal this evening had been to avoid Daehyun as much as possible. After that, it took only one moment of eye contact to break my will. How could only meeting eyes with Daehyun have already been enough for me to give up?

“I prefer company that doesn’t badmouth Minhyuk,” I then said, just to prevent another lie from slipping out. Daehyun would probably be able to tell the truth from lies anyway, whenever it came from me.

He stiffened a little upon hearing these words, but then asked: “Why? What happened?”

“Ilsung over there,” I said, as I motioned with my head to the figure standing behind him, whose back was now finally turned to us, “doesn’t get along well with my ex. He seemed to think that because Minhyuk and I have broken up, it automatically means that I would like to backstab him as if he’s not my friend anymore.”

Daehyun didn’t seem to know what to say to that, so he just nodded and stayed silent for the remainder of the song. It was only when I accidentally stepped on his toes when he moved his head to look down at our feet. He then looked up at me with an eyebrow raised.

“Sorry,” I said casually. I only stepped on his toe for a bit. He’d live.

“You can’t dance to save your life,” he said in an equally casual voice, though with a slight sing-song added to it that I wouldn’t be able to imitate.

“Well, sorry about that too.”

Right at that moment I accidentally bumped with the toe of my shoes to his. He quirked an eyebrow at me to rub it in even more.

I let go of him and crossed my arms over my chest defiantly. “Oh yeah? If you know everything so well about dancing, why don’t you show me?”

A smirk graced his lips as if I’d just stepped into his trap hook, line and sinker. He took hold of my arms and put them on his shoulders, telling me: “I’m pretty sure your arms should be here.”

He meant that I was supposed to wrap my arms around his neck so I’d be dancing flush to him. I could feel the blood rushing to my face as I realised as much and said without much conviction: “I don’t think so.”

“I do think so. Why not just try it?”

So Daehyun said and so I did. Hesitantly I stepped in closer and wrapped my arms around his neck, realising that saying no wouldn’t have been honest on my part either. I wanted to be close to him too much to be able to say no to such an opportunity.

I felt my heart beat speed up in my chest, fearing that its hammering might resonate all the way to my fingertips. It was very likely that Daehyun could feel it too, and he was probably damn smug about it. It might have been the champagne getting to my head or just the crowd that we found ourselves amidst in or maybe just Daehyun, but I suddenly felt bolder than usual. So I decided that if this would get to me, I would make sure it would get to him too.

I stepped in even closer, up to the point that I could easily kiss him if I only moved forward a little. Instead, I leaned my head on his left shoulder and turned my head to look at his profile and take everything about him in; his jawline, the shape of his ears, the soft hairs on his neck. I could smell his cologne, along with the smell I identified as entirely and purely Daehyun’s. His shoulders weren’t that broad, but I was fine with that. I was fine with everything that he entailed.

When I let out a content sigh, I was delighted to see him tense from the sensation it left on the skin of his neck. For a fleeting moment, I even wanted to lightly kiss his jaw, before I realised what was going on around us and, most importantly, between us. In the end, my lips had hovered just a tiny bit away from his skin and I could feel the heat of my breath teasing my lips. We were so close, but it seemed so, so far away.

I willed my heart rate to slow down, but it didn’t help. I wanted to step away, yet I couldn’t. We remained that way for what seemed like hours, not comfortable but not tense either.

He swallowed thickly. The way his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down left me entranced. Despite myself, I couldn’t suppress a smile. Somehow, this whole exchange had started feeling like a game to me. And I was the victor.

But then he tilted his head ever so slightly so his lips brushed past my temple in a light, accidental kiss. (Or was it not accidental? Or was I simply imagining things now?)

All of a sudden I wasn’t so sure about the score anymore.

If this was any indication of how the rest of this week would be like, I was dead meat for sure.

Surprise! In celebration of B.A.P's EP and comeback (I really love it, I do. It's the first B.A.P EP of which I love every single track) three days ago, I couldn't not post something, so here we are. I have to say, of all recently written chapters, I'm the happiest with this one, so I sincerely hope you guys enjoyed it. Since it's the middle of the night and I'm also generally the type of person who needs some time with thinking about how to give proper responses to comments/personal messages/anything, I'll have to say again that it might take a couple of days for me to reply to all of your comments, but know that I always read them.

Oh, and also: don't drink underage and don't drink excessively. Your liver and brain cells will thank you.

Let me know what you think of the story so far. Lots of love for you guys!

L