In Constant Stars
16 -- t h e  a n s w e r

Despite the fact that we’d both expected a good grade for our extra project, Jinae and I were still surprised to find that our English teacher had given us full marks for our paper. Jinae was convinced that this was mostly due to my efforts.

“Don’t be so humble! Did you hear how she praised your view on the play? And I haven’t even started on how much she loved the character analyses…”

I was glad to see then that Daehyun and Youngjae were heading our way that moment, as I had no clue how to respond to the compliments Jinae was very intent on shooting us. Thankfully, Daehyun had picked up on his girlfriend’s excitement from a distance away and asked with a smile: “What’s got you so excited during school?”

The response that this elicited from his best friend was a sardonic roll of the eyes. Youngjae gave Jinae and me a friendly nod after telling his friend off for being an idiot who couldn’t appreciate education. Jinae giggled at this little spiel, but didn’t say anything about it. Instead, she proudly announced that she and I had just received the happy message of a perfect score on our project.

“Nice,” Daehyun said appreciatively. He casually placed an arm around her waist – a movement that looked so natural that it barely registered to me. It was during moments such as these that I came to wonder how neither Heeyoung or I had noticed before that the two of them were dating. This little bit of PDA was enough to announce their relationship, yet neither of us had known. Then again, I was never one for paying attention to people I didn’t know well.

Youngjae congratulated me as we walked behind the couple, friendly chatting to each other as we went on to History, which we had together. “So, have you seen the teaser for Ghost Stories 2 yet?”

It had been a week and a half since I’d started sitting at their table, and in the meanwhile Youngjae and I had discovered our shared love for movies, specifically of the horror genre. Apparently Daehyun didn’t share the sentiment for scary stories and therefore could only look back at us over his shoulder with a frown as we talked about the teaser. Both of us were aware that it set the creeps to him, and knowing that made us all the more passionate talking about it.

“Did you see the part where her head rolls out of the chest and she just smiles – like, just smiles?”

“God, yes, frightened me less. I had to pause the video and look at pictures at kitties for a few minutes to recover from that.”

At that, the other three of us had to pause. Daehyun and Jinae, as it turned out, had been listening in on our conversation and looked at Youngjae incredulously just like I did. Our friend just brushed the embarrassment off and told us to keep walking if we didn’t want to be late for our next class.

“Wimp,” Daehyun called back to his friend over his shoulder.

“You’re no better,” I defended Youngjae. “You don’t even watch horror movies. In fact, you cower away at the very thought.”

“He’s right,” Jinae silently agreed, to which Daehyun only responded by flicking her forehead.

“The only reason you’re not whimpering a retort is because it’s Jinae,” I teased Daehyun. “I see who’s wearing the pants in this relationship.”

And as we did often now, we started our friendly bantering and back and forth insults. Even Jinae had stopped fidgeting nervously whenever this happened – it was a habit. Somewhere along the line, after all that we’d been through, Daehyun and I had still managed to be an unlikely pair of oddball friends.

The corridors were filled with students just like us, walking towards their next class. Some of them were in groups, some of them were on their own. Our school uniform in the colours of blue and dark grey clashed with the yellow-coloured walls of the school, but no one minded this anymore.

If instead I’d paid attention to Youngjae, I would have noticed how he quieted down at the sight of Daehyun and me arguing. I would have seen the way he kept eyeing Jinae’s silhouette in a silent, observant way. I would have known that he was feeling exactly what I’d been trying to repress for a while – guilt.

That’s also why he stayed behind when Jinae left for her Maths class. Daehyun had Korean Literature and Youngjae and I shared the same History class. Just when Jinae had turned around the corner, Youngjae touched our shoulders and unleashed his inner rage on us: “What the ? You haven’t told her, have you? Either of you?”

When neither Daehyun nor I responded, he swore. “Oh Christ. No wonder she could be all smiley around the two of you. .”

“Youngjae, I–” I started, but he cut me off.

“Yeah, well, there’s no way in freaking hell that I’m going to listen to your excuses.” For a moment he seemed like he wanted to turn away and ignore us, but then he seemed to change his mind as he hissed in my direction: “You know, the sole reason I didn’t nag his–” and he impatiently pointed at Daehyun as he said this, “–head off, is because I thought I could trust you to do the right thing. I thought you would punch some sense into his thick head and you would tell Jinae everything together. But what’s this? How did even you get like this? I told you that it would be hard to tell Jinae, but I didn’t say you weren’t supposed to. Isn’t that obvious?”

Right that moment the second bell rang. He ducked his head inside the classroom, shook his head one last time and then went to his seat, leaving a speechless Daehyun and me behind. Even as we stood there at the door, our friend’s harsh words ringing in our ears, we had no clue what to say to each other. To match our lack of words, we also didn’t exchange any looks.

It was without saying that, despite the fact that he sat at the table next to mine, Youngjae didn’t speak to me at all for the rest of the class – or the rest of the day.

Daehyun: Youngjae wont budge

Daehyun: I tried calling him and texting him but he doesn’t respond or pick upp

I’d read his texts during my break in between work. It was one of those busy afternoons. With fall coming by in full swing, the leaves swaying down from the trees into seas of red and gold, the desire to enjoy the view from a sheltered place with a cup of coffee or tea had welled up for many. Business in Corner was going well, and though it was tiring, I enjoyed working in a busy environment more than anything, especially so with troubles on my mind.

I, too, was bothered by the fact that Youngjae refused to talk to either of us. Three days had gone by, and so far he hadn’t even once pretended to listen to what I wanted to say. He ignored me even when we had History together. Another new horror movie had come out, but he didn’t show even the slightest hint of interest in it to me.

Lunch time was probably the worst. Now that Heeyoung would also occasionally join us at the table with the guys, Youngjae pretended to be so vastly interested in what she had to say that he ignored Daehyun and my presence altogether (‘Oh really, Heeyoung? So how did the date go? Oh? You don’t like him?’). Every word we cast in his direction would directly bounce off like it had never been uttered. The only reason we decided it would be no good pushing was because it ruined the atmosphere at the table completely. On top of that, Yongguk, Zelo and Jongup had no idea what was going on.

“I hate the way he’s handling this,” Himchan had said as he and I went to put our used trays on the cleaning belt after finishing our lunch one day, “but I have to say he’s kind of right, you know? I mean, I get where he’s coming from and why he’s doing this.”

And it wasn’t like I didn’t know why Youngjae was being like this. But he wanted that Daehyun and I would do something that would mess everything up. Was it realistic expecting us to simply confess to what had happened? Did he consider how this would affect Jinae and her relationship with Daehyun? Or the budding friendship between her and me, for that matter? Was it necessary to break her heart this way, when things were going relatively well now?

“Nana?” Minhee’s clear voice sounded from the door opening to the back room. “Sorry to disturb you in your break, but could you help me out for a sec? There are some customers who are waiting for take away.”

“I, eh…” Looking down at the slowly dimming phone screen in my hand, I wondered what exactly I was doing with my life. “Yeah, I’m coming.”

“Awesome, thanks. I think it’s about time that I drop a hint to Mrs Hwang about hiring a new worker here. God knows how much a relief that would be to us,” my cheery colleague smiled. Turning around and already directing her attention to a customer, she said hastily: “Okay, Baekhyun, just wait a moment okay? I’ll be there to help you in a blink.”

Despite the fact that she was kept busy with work for the rest of the afternoon, Minhee had still managed to notice that something was wrong. At a quarter past six, while I was vacuuming the floor and she was drying the last few washed coffee cups, she asked me what was on my mind.

“Nothing really,” I responded off-handedly, at that moment more focused on finishing as quickly as I could so I could get back home and cook dinner.

“Oh, really? I must’ve been mistaken when I thought I saw you staring at your phone like it was a ticking time bomb.”

I looked up and turned off the vacuum. Shifting my weight on my right leg, I wondered what exactly had given me away this time around. For a person who seemed especially extraverted and did her best to make sure all customers were happy, Minhee was still very attentive. She told me that, by reading as many books as all Literature majors were supposed to, she had learnt to empathise with others by experiencing emotions through the written language – and that also entailed being able to tell when others were feeling troubled.

Minhee was typically underestimated in both intelligence and social skills. She spent most of her free time in Corner, where she made it a point to talk to all customers properly. Ask about their day, talk about family, school or work. She had never done anything particularly heroic, but I still felt like I could rest reassured that nothing would happen to me during work with her around. She was incredible.

“What do you do when a friend ignores you because you did something bad?”

She raised an eyebrow at me. “Well, it depends on what the bad thing is, doesn’t it?”

I smiled rather sadly to myself. “Disappointing them.”

Minhee was quiet as she put away the last white cup into one of the overhead cupboards. Her coral-coloured nails shone in the bright lights. ‘The moments when I get to paint my nails,’ she had once said, ‘are the only moments I can properly breathe.’ Which wasn’t weird, considering the fact she spent most of her time either working or studying. She was about as bad as I was with time management. Thus it didn’t surprise me when she took her time inspecting her nails.

Pouting and pointing out her right index finger over the bar for me to see, she said: “It’s chipped.” I could only roll my eyes at this, because frankly? What did she expect when she decided to hand wash the cups?

“Anyway,” my co-worker muttered with one last regretful look at her nails, “about your friend. Is she trying to avoid you or is she being very in-your-face with the ignoring?”

“She's a he, actually,” I supplied. I saw her shrug and continued: “And I suppose it’s, er, kind of in my face, yeah.”

“It’s Youngjae, isn’t it?”

This, obviously, took me by surprise. “How’d you know?”

“It was either going to be Youngjae or Himchan and I’ve never seen Himchan seriously fight with anyone,” she said with an all-knowing grin.

Another moment of silence went by in which I contemplated whether I had ever thought that Youngjae would be the type to act so passive-aggressive. He had always given me the impression of being a very relaxed and laid-back guy who knew how to keep his business together. Like he always knew what to do, as if he knew every answer to every question (as far as humanly possible). I’d never considered him a person who would be very concerned with what happened around him. But maybe that meant that I’d been discrediting him as a good friend, because really, he was a good friend and he did care.

“You know, Nana, I think that you shouldn’t concern yourself too much over him. Instead, focus on… the reason why he’s ignoring you to begin with. Oh, and before you ask–” Minhee held up her hand dramatically (she used to date Himchan, go figure), “–no, I don’t know what exactly happened and I know you don’t want to talk about it, so let’s not waste our time over that.”

I let out a long sigh, wondering why the hell I had somehow wound up with all kinds of mind-readers around me. Growing up with Heeyoung in itself was a pretty exhilarating experience, but then in waltzed Daehyun and Minhee and all of a sudden people around me apparently understood me better than I did? Plopping down on one of the remaining chairs that hadn’t been placed atop the tables yet, I planted my forehead against the surface of the wooden desk tiredly. “So you’re saying I should do what he says I should do?”

“Not necessarily. Just do what you think is right.”

I moved my head so my right cheek was now touching the polished wood. Squinting my eyes in the direction of the lights shining at the bar, I muttered: “You make it sound so easy.”

Minhee moved around the counter and approached me. She sat down next to me and patted me on my cheek like I was a kid. “Only because you’re over-thinking it.”

“How do you know if I’m over-thinking? You don’t even know what it’s about.”

“Oh, I don’t need to know what it’s about to see that you’re tiring yourself out unnecessarily,” the girl said with a wide grin. “Aw, look at you feeling helpless. Himchan was right. You really are adorable. I had no clue when you walked in here on your first day that you were actually a cutie. Your and Zelo’s cheeks just scream for a pinch.”

“Please don’t. Also, you’re enjoying my misery too much.”

She sat back with her arms crossed, a slightly displeased look flitting over her features. I realised I had underestimated Minhee too. Not only did she know what was going on in other people’s minds, she also knew how to make use of that knowledge to get what she wanted. It wasn’t like she took advantage of it. Maybe she even had no clue she could. But with her confidence and her intelligence, it would have been easy to get any guy or, for that matter, any girl to do whatever she wanted them to do. She simply just didn’t.

“You know how I knew that you’re over-analysing the situation?” She joined me and laid her cheek on the round table too. “Because you thought you’d disappointed Youngjae. But Youngjae’s a good friend. And good friends would never feel disappointed in other good friends.”

If in that moment, you had happened to pass by Corner and looked inside, either because it was one of the only shops that still had their lights on in that street or because you might have hoped that it was still open, you would have seen the two of us sitting at that little table, looking like two little girls who were very much lost. And as if we’d done it on purpose, the lights at the bar would be the only spotlight shining upon us, all the more adding just the necessary touch of drama to the picture.

Maybe you would have continued walking, pretending you hadn’t seen anything. But if, by any chance, you did look inside, maybe you would have seen me looking at my co-worker in wonder. Because, however basic her advice might have been, it did give me the little bit of hope that I needed.

“Daehyun, we have to tell her.”

“No, we do not.”

I put the mechanical pencil in my right hand down and rubbed the bridge of my nose. In all honesty, I wanted nothing more than to be asleep in bed at that moment, but there was homework to be done and boys to be dealt with. Said boy, of course, being no one else but Jung Daehyun.

“We can’t keep this a secret from Jinae all the time,” I reasoned. “Youngjae’s right. We have to tell her. We owe it to her.”

Up to that point I’d had the feeling that Daehyun was doing something else while being on the phone with me. Judging by the little background noises that fell through his mic occasionally, I suspected that his attention was pulled away by either a movie or a video game. However, after those words had left my lips, the sounds stopped abruptly and soon Daehyun huffed into his phone: “No, you’re wrong. We owe it to her to not hurt her unnecessarily. What are we going to achieve by telling her? What good does it do for her and what good does it do for us? I’ll tell you what, Choi Nana. It won’t do any good.”

“So, what, you’re going to go through with a relationship while lying about something very fundamental to your girlfriend? Is that really how you want to do these things?”

“It’s not even lying. It’s just not telling her the entire truth.”

I sighed at that, because we all know how in movies everyone keeps saying that as an excuse for why their actions are okay and always, always, they are proven wrong.

I asked him: “Are you really willing to go on every day with that kind of guilt on your shoulders? You cheated, Daehyun! Whether intentionally or not, it doesn’t matter as long as you don’t tell her!”

And Daehyun said, coldly, with a voice so icy that it almost seemed like I was talking to someone else entirely: “I told you. I’m not going to hurt her like this. It’s not worth it. Are you done telling me off, Nana, or are you planning on going on like this for hours?”

“Do you really not feel guilty?” After looking behind me to where the door of my room was located, afraid that Zelo might overhear, I then repeated in a softer tone: “Really?”

“Jesus,” he cursed, “I really can’t shake you off my back, can I?”

“You could easily by hanging up. But there’s a reason why you haven’t yet, and that’s because somewhere deep inside, no matter how much you’re afraid of hurting Jinae, you still think I’m right.” I got up and started walking to and fro in my room, knowing that if I didn’t get this through his thick skull now, I just might never be able to convince him. All the while I bit down my bottom lip to the extent that I thought I tasted a stale hint of blood. “Please, Daehyun. Think about it.”

On the other side of the line, the quiet had come so overwhelmingly that I could even hear him gulp nervously. He was contemplating my words, weighing over the options he had, thinking out the scenarios that might occur, considering what might happen worst-case. Even I could tell that he was seriously hesitating.

“I do feel guilty,” he said sadly, his voice a little hoarse, his emotions a little raw, his pain too obvious. “I feel guilty every day, because whether I cheated consciously or not, it is still my fault. And I can’t fix it. And so I can’t tell her. It’s so complicated, Nana, you don’t have the slightest idea what happened that day.”

This was all I needed to be sent over the edge. Frustrated, I asked: “Oh, really? I don’t?”

Quiet. Then: “No. You don’t. Do you?”

I stopped my pacing. If I’d cared enough, I would have felt offended that Daehyun didn’t consider me smart enough to figure things out for myself. But I didn’t care. All I needed was to know what really happened that day, and if that meant that I would say things that might hurt him, so be it. “You really think I can’t put one and one together? You know what you said to me that day? You said, literally, ‘She won’t talk to me’. You thought I might be planning on calling ‘her’ if I got out my phone. All the while you’re drunk out of your mind, but even I can tell that you’re still thinking clearly enough to know what’s happening to you or to your surroundings.

“So really, why would you suddenly, out of nowhere want to kiss me, right? Why would Jung Daehyun, oh-so scheming, oh-so good at reading people, suddenly think it would be a good idea to kiss someone other than his girlfriend, who he seems to love a lot? Why would he need an excuse like ‘I was drunk’ to cover up? You really thought that I would be a and sit at the side without wondering about that? You really thought I wouldn’t think of connecting the dots when two weeks after, Jinae tells me about the accident that killed both of her parents in one go, simultaneously looking like her heart had just been smashed a thousand times over and over again?”

By then he was swearing and cursing under his breath, obviously panicking. I didn’t care. I went on.

“Daehyun, please tell me that I’m just being paranoid here, and that that Wednesday wasn’t her parents’ death anniversary and that you weren’t hurt because she didn’t want to talk to you that day. Please tell me that the kiss wasn’t some kind of way to make Jinae look back to you.”

Instead of an answer, all that awaited me then were the beeps of the dead line. I didn’t need a response though. His silence said enough.