In Constant Stars
19 -- b o t t l e  i t  u p

“Choi Nana, you have been requested at the principal’s office. Please report immediately.”

The first thought that went through my mind was that they’d found out. They’d found out about the fact that I’d skipped Maths that day and had instead been talking to Daehyun on the school roof.

This wasn’t even the same as that time Heeyoung had snuck me off campus because I was like a zombie back then. At least Heeyoung was a queen at covering up her tracks, and at least that time skipping school had made feel better afterwards.

I looked nervously to my right, looking for moral support from a friend. Youngjae was however looking down at his notebook with an amused smirk on his lips. We’d actually become such good friends that it was apparently now okay to laugh at each other’s misfortunes. Friendship was dead these days.

Instead of my so-called friend, all of my other classmates in History looked at me with curious expressions. I was, to say the least, a good student. I made it a point to behave appropriately, to do all the work I was assigned and to get good grades. I worked for it, too. It wasn’t the least bit usual for someone like me to be called to the principal’s office like this. I could still feel their gazes prodding in my back even when I’d long left the classroom.

I contemplated the situation in my head as I took the heavy steps towards the administration wing of the school building, all the while realising how unfair this was. Heeyoung skipped a lot of classes. Usually it was History because she was bad at memorising the dates of various events, adding to the fact that she generally found the past to be boring. She didn’t get called in that much for it and when she did, it was only for a short lecture of about five minutes and then she’d be off again.

The school secretary looked up from her paperwork as I approached her desk. She adjusted the glasses sitting atop the bridge of her nose as she scrutinised me. It was only until she seemed to recognise me that she let a small and modest smile pass over her stoic features, as she said: “Choi Nana, yes? You can go on. The principal is waiting for you.”

The fact that she’d smiled at least helped me relax a little bit and I realised that I probably wasn’t called in to be scolded. But what else could it be?

I softly knocked on the wooden door. A little metal plate hung from the wood, saying ‘Principal’s Office’. Almost immediately, a clear voice called: “Come in.”

Nervously I opened the door and was welcomed by the faint smell of freshly brewed tea. Behind the wide office desk sat our principal, a proud woman in her fifties. Her hair was starting to grey a little, but other than that she hardly showed any signs of being any older than forty.

“Hello, Nana, please come in. I apologise for interrupting your undoubtedly interesting History class.”

I barely stopped myself from quirking up an eyebrow at this. The woman had almost sounded a little sarcastic, but when I checked to see if my assumptions were correct, I was only met with a controlled smile.

“Is anything wrong, Principal Lee?” I asked as I carefully sat down in one of the two seats at the other side of her table.

“Oh, no,” the woman said simply. “It’s not anything worrisome. This morning we received mail, and I think you might find this interesting.”

The principal slid a chic-looking envelope across the wooden surface. I opened my mouth to say anything, just anything, because talking seemed the only appropriate thing to do in this situation. I was starting to get an idea of what was in that envelope. I just couldn’t quite believe it yet.

“I am sure that you’re aware of the fact that our school partakes in the Seoul National University scholarship program,” Principal Lee said calmly, though her eyes seemed to light up a little in amusement as she took in how surprised I was. “Each year, we are privileged with the choice to select several excellent students of our school to apply for an SNU scholarship. You do remember when we asked you to send in yours as well, don’t you?”

“I – I remember, yes.”

“I think you should be more or less aware of what is in that envelope already by now. Go on, you can open it,” she motioned kindly.

I was reaching out for the envelope when halfway through I stopped myself. My brain obviously wasn’t functioning well since I asked the principal: “Heeyoung isn’t paying you to play a prank on me, is she?”

Principal Lee merely blinked at me. I quickly apologised before I resumed opening the envelope. The letter’s paper was as exquisite as the envelope design had been, but the quality barely registered to me as I held it between my fingers.

Dear Ms Choi Nana,

We are delighted to inform you that you have been selected for the Seoul National University excellence scholarship. Congratulations! Your academic profile confirms your commitment to personal and educational growth. We are confident that you will have a valuable role in contributing to our University’s traditions of scholarship. This offer however requires you to successfully complete your current course work in order to enrol.

Enclosed you will find an enrolment contract–

“Of course that also means that we expect you maintain your studies. It would be regrettable if you stopped challenging yourself after this,” the principal said solemnly when she realised that I kept reading the first sentence over and over again.

I looked up to meet her eyes and I said with equal earnestness that I wouldn’t let her down.

“Good.” Principal Lee then smiled, this time not as controlled, not as small as she did a few minutes before. “Congratulations, Nana. I know that you’ve been working very hard for this.”

“Thank you,” I breathed. Gulping, I looked down once again at the paper resting on my lap. An empty form underneath it required me to fill in all of my administrative information, but even so it didn’t register in my mind that this was for me. This scholarship was for me. For me.

“I believe the morning classes are about to end. Go celebrate with your friends. I’m sure they will be as thrilled hearing this news as you are.”

I shot up from the chair, realising that a long moment of silence had passed by before Mrs Lee had spoken up again. All along I’d been staring at the paper like a silly kid. She was probably long wondering why I of all people had been selected for the scholarship, and frankly, I wondered just that as well. “Yes! Thank you, principal!”

The corners of her lips quirked up a little. Though I thought her glasses made her seem like a calculating person, she didn’t strike me like one at all when she let out a small chuckle at my behaviour. Nonetheless, I still felt incredibly embarrassed.

I’d almost left the office, when she stopped me again by saying: “And before I forget, I would also like to ask you to refrain from missing any classes unnecessarily in the future. Miss Kang has been coming in and out of this office enough for the two of you.”

The blood rushed to my cheeks. I bowed my head to her multiple times, all the while murmuring practically unintelligible apologies.

“Choi Nana.”

I looked up. “Yes?”

“I was only teasing you. You should go celebrate this good news.”

I didn’t need to be told twice. Even after I had hastily closed the door to the office and shot past the secretary’s desk, I thought I could still hear the principal’s soft chuckles.

She had been right about how happy my friends would be hearing the news. When I announced to them that I had received a scholarship to Seoul Uni as we stood in the queue to pay for our lunch, I was immediately lifted up in the air by an ecstatic and laughing Yoo Youngjae. In a way that I thought was slightly unlike Youngjae, but nevertheless very fun, he twirled me around while Heeyoung and Himchan looked at us amusedly. It was good that the only thing I was holding in my hands was a bottle of water, otherwise things might have gotten messy. In the distance I could hear Zelo whoop at us even though he was seated at our usual table and couldn’t have heard the news from the other side of the canteen.

“Why am I not surprised at all that you broke this kind of important news to us like it was nothing?” Heeyoung remarked to me when Youngjae finally put me down again.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess the realisation hasn’t really hit me yet.”

Then I remembered that Youngjae hadn’t been very supportive when I was called to the principal’s office earlier and narrowed my eyes at him. He responded with an innocent smile.

“You knew, didn’t you?” I asked him.

“Eh,” he said drily, his hand reaching up to touch the back of his neck, “I mean, the fact that the secretary might have a crush on me isn’t something I really enjoy, but I guess it does have its perks when it comes to hearing all of the nice stuff before everyone else does. I actually thought she was kidding me at first, but then they called you to the office and… yeah.”

I grinned and was about to for how embarrassed he seemed while talking about the secretary’s crush on him when Heeyoung tapped me on my shoulder. “Your turn to pay, Nana.”

When we got back to the table where Zelo, Jongup and Daehyun were, Youngjae and Himchan were bickering again about something I hadn’t quite caught. I was still reliving the moment the principal had handed me the envelope.

I didn’t have to worry about money anymore. I could finally lift a heavy weight off my mother’s shoulders. She wouldn’t have to sleep at the office anymore and force herself to do more than she could handle. Zelo wouldn’t have to work as well, and he could live almost as carefree as he did before.

Things were looking up and I smiled.

“What’s up with that creepy smirk?” Daehyun asked with a raised eyebrow as he popped a fry into his mouth. Immediately my happy moment was ruined. Taking a seat opposite of him, I stole several fries from his lunch and smugly ate them one by one. Daehyun being Daehyun obviously didn’t take that too well as he scowled at me from the other side of the table.

“This chick is going to Seoul Uni on a scholarship, baby!” Heeyoung exclaimed as she threw her arm around my shoulders.

There was a silence before Zelo spoke up first: “This isn’t one of your pranks again, right, Heeyoung noona?”

Heeyoung’s perfect eyebrows scrunched together in a frown. “I wouldn’t pull a tasteless prank like that, kiddo, what are you even saying?” Upon hearing this, I decided against mentioning that I’d thought the exact same thing as my little brother back in the office.

“That’s pretty neat,” Daehyun said to me, ignoring my best friend and my little brother. I mockingly bowed my head to him in thanks before Jongup congratulated me in a kinder way than the idiot opposite of me had. Zelo gave me a thumbs-up.

“Anyway, what I’m curious about…” Heeyoung started, while wiggling her eyebrows. I noticed that I wasn’t the only one at the table who did or did not suppress an eye roll, but she went on unfazed: “Youngjae and Nana, is there something the two of you aren’t telling me? I mean, the way Youngjae just lifted you up and twirled you around is a liiittle suspicious, don’t you think?”

“Eh, no,” I responded without missing a beat. I met Youngjae’s eyes and we both seemed to be thinking the same thing: this was utterly ridiculous. Yes, we’d become great friends in a short time, but that was just it – friends. I had enough on my plate without a relationship and I was sure Youngjae had the same problem. Plus, I didn’t see him in that light at all.

The one who had me wrapped around his finger was his best friend, after all.

“What? Am I that unattractive to you?” Jae asked with a fake pout. “Is dating me really such an impossible idea?”

Jongup and Zelo laughed at our exchange and I even saw Daehyun giving us amused looks despite being busy eating. Heeyoung, however, didn’t seem the least bit satisfied with our answers. She huffed and placed her hands at her hips, already fully in her Princess mode.

She didn’t get the chance to go on a rampage as a tired sigh sounded from behind me. I turned around just in time to see Yongguk softly tap on Heeyoung’s temple with a loose fist, as if to literally knock some sense into her. “Stop harassing others.”

“But Yongguk,” she whined, “you should have seen it. They were so cute! Himchan agrees, don’t you, Himchan?”

“Yeah, sure, real cute, whatever,” her usual partner in crime muttered lowly. “Just as cute as a thousand cat and baby videos combined.”

It was obvious that he was trying to get us to ask him what had made him so moody, but knowing Himchan that was just asking for another tantrum about nothing, just like with Heeyoung. What could I say? I hadn’t been exaggerating when I said those two were practically each other’s clones in different genders. Still, it was Jongup who ever-so-loyally asked: “What’s wrong, hyung?”

“The problem is that Nana’s supposed to look cute with me. Me. Don’t you think so, Nana?” Himchan turned from Jongup to look at me, but stopped when he saw my expression. “Could you not look so constipated at the idea of me?”

It was Himchan’s theatrics that had made the table burst out in laughter. In the midst of the chuckles and giggles, he had a tough time maintaining the same stern look on his face, until he finally gave up himself.

Perhaps he didn’t know this himself, but I did admire Himchan in a lot of ways. Anyone could think that he was a stuck up snob – and he wouldn’t care – but it was a lot harder to see that he was actually a kind person who knew how to avert awkward situations for others by creating one for himself. When I smiled to him, he smiled back equally brightly.

It was also in the midst of those same chuckles and teasing remarks that I felt a foot nudge mine underneath the table. I looked up to meet Daehyun’s eyes and felt the familiar sensation of being close to breathless. I didn’t understand why he smirked then, but he did mouth to me: “You free this afternoon?”

I nodded hesitantly, trying to figure out what he was getting at and at the same time telling myself not to get my hopes up for something that wouldn’t happen. I needed help.

“Jae and I are going to treat you to a drink. As a celebration.”

“As cute as cat and baby videos, eh?” Daehyun asked amusedly as he played with the green straw in his iced tea. “Gotta say, man, when I saw you lift her up I actually did think that you were keeping secrets from me. Not cool.”

I rolled my eyes and knew that Youngjae was probably doing the same. Though I was looking at his best friend, just hearing the irritation seeping from Youngjae’s speech told me that we were indeed feeling the same kind of frustration: “How many times do I have to say that that was a spur of the moment thing?”

“Okay, okay, we’ve been dwelling on this subject for too long,” I intervened before Youngjae and Daehyun could start an argument. “Anyway, weren’t we supposed to be celebrating my receiving a scholarship? I swear I will be out the door as soon as I can if the two of you break out in a fight.”

The two of them immediately recovered and gave me cheeky grins as they held up their cups. “Cheers.”

All tension between them had disappeared in the snap of a moment.

“It’s kind of bizarre though,” Youngjae said after taking a gulp of his Coke, “how the three of us are sitting here after school and actually talking to each other in a civilised manner. I mean, especially the two of you.” He scowled a little as he switched between gazing at Daehyun and me. The serious look on his face made me chuckle a little.

“I know right? Miracles do exist,” I teased. Then, I looked at Daehyun at the same time that he’d turned from Youngjae to me. Our eyes met again for the umpteenth time, yet still I wasn’t used to the odd, flushed feeling that would overtake my body. Instinctively I would always react to him and it didn’t matter how many times it happened; it wouldn’t fade away. Even worse, it felt like every time I would look him too closely in the eye, the feeling just got stronger and stronger.

He barely seemed to sense what was happening to me as he simply shrugged. “Now I think about it, it’s weird to begin with why we didn’t get along before.”

One of my eyebrows rose up automatically. “It’s not like we get along perfectly now, though?”

“Well, we take the piss out of each other. But you know, I do that with Himchan and with Youngjae too, and I like that we can do that now. Don’t you?”

“It’s amusing, I’ll give you that much,” I said self-confidently.

Youngjae laughed. “I can confirm that.”

“And it’s a help that I’ve told Jinae now,” Daehyun added simply, as if it were nothing. He was looking out the window as he said this so he didn’t notice that I’d slightly tensed up. The only one who could have sensed my uneasiness was Youngjae, who was sitting beside me in the booth, but he didn’t show any signs of knowing.

Jinae and I avoided each other like the plague, which was probably to be expected. Ever since that uncomfortable exchange after English a few days back, we hadn’t spoken to each other even once, even though she sat directly behind me in that class. Sometimes she would come over to our table during lunch from her own group of friends, but even then she would be sitting next to Daehyun at the other side. It seemed like an unspoken agreement between the two of us that any forced dialogue was better left ignored.

I disliked the way she could elicit the green monster inside of me just by touching Daehyun a little. She could brush aside his bangs, touch his hand for just the slightest of moments or lean her head on his shoulder, and that would be enough to make me burn up inside of envy. The worst was that she didn’t do it in a petty way. It came automatically and she would never glance my way to see my reaction. I wasn’t even a threat; I was no match for her.

And so Jinae had become a topic I would rather avoid talking about. Daehyun had long noticed my lack of enthusiasm every time our conversations would end up being about his girlfriend. Instead of pushing and insisting, he simply assumed that it was due to what happened in the past and due to the fact that he thought I’d never had the chance to properly apologise to her.

But more than anything, it had been the words that she’d spoken to me that afternoon that hurt me the most. Every time he would mention her name, I could hear her voice in my head telling me: “It didn’t mean anything. He said so too.” And each time I hoped I could tell that voice that it wasn’t true, but I couldn’t.

“– whatever the reason is, I’m just glad that I don’t have to be mindful of World War III possibly breaking out every time you guys are in the same room,” Youngjae’s words interrupted my thoughts.

Annoyed, I clacked my tongue at him. “Don’t be so dramatic. We weren’t that bad.”

Youngjae had already opened his mouth to say something that would undoubtedly make me roll my eyes when suddenly his phone started ringing. An R&B song I didn’t recognise sounded from his device and he quickly excused himself to us before getting up and taking the call.

“I bet it’s his dad,” Daehyun said, his eyes focused on his best friend’s back. “His company has been developing a new phone operating system and he probably wants Youngjae to be the first to test it.”

As an owner of a company that had recently delved into the technology of mobile phones, it was the Yoo Corporation CEO’s goal to develop a new system that would be revolutionary. Youngjae, being as much a technology freak as his father, would definitely want to have the honour of testing out something possibly as big as that.

And Daehyun was right. Within a minute, Youngjae came back and quickly downed the last bit of Coke in his glass without even sitting down. Making a grab for his coat, he said: “Sorry, guys, I have to run. My father’s on the verge of a breakthrough and I really have to be there.”

“It’s okay.” I grinned, though encouragingly. “We’ll be here, busy trying not to stir up a World War.”

Youngjae grumbled something I didn’t catch under his breath as he wrapped a navy-coloured, knitted scarf around his neck. Raising his hand to us in a final wave, he went out the door of the shop.

It was then that I became acutely aware of my surroundings and, most importantly, myself. Sitting opposite me was Jung Daehyun who looked amused. I could feel the lingering smile on my face slowly fade away as my eyes widened upon realisation: I was alone with Daehyun.

“Why are you squirming? I’m not that intimidating, am I?”

“Please, you’re giving yourself too much credit. You’re about as intimidating as a baby turtle, Daehyun,” I shot back directly, despite the fact that he was actually right.

“Ouch.” He started playing with the straw between his thumb and index finger again, all the while a smirk gracing his pretty lips. He looked at me, half from underneath his lashes, and teased: “No wonder you haven’t had a boyfriend ever since you broke up with Minhyuk, Nana. All the boys get intimidated by you when they try to make a move on you.”

“What? You mean you were trying to make a move on me?”

Daehyun scoffed and the fact that he did made my heart sink just a little. But then the ends of his lips perked up again and I could feel myself relax in relief. The idea of perhaps flirting with me just a little wasn’t apparently as horrible to him as he’d initially pretended for it to be and knowing this made me feel happier than it really should have.

“Speaking of boys trying to make a move on girls,” I suddenly said, recalling some recent incidents regarding my little brother, “Zelo has been acting a little weird lately. Do you know if he’s seeing a girl or something? Or if he has a crush or anything like it?”

Daehyun raised his eyebrows in surprise as he slowly shook his head. “I don’t recall him mentioning a girl… Why do you ask?”

“Sometimes I come home to find him quickly hanging up the phone. And when I ask him who he was talking to, he gets this really flushed, embarrassed look and tells me that it was no one interesting, even though it so obviously was!” I took a sip of my Frappuccino before semi-angrily continuing: “Who does he even think he’s lying to? Like I would believe that it’s really no one!”

“What I find more important is the fact that even your little brother’s dating life is more interesting than yours,” the teasing comment sounded. It was not exactly the helpful answer that I’d been hoping for.

“Why are you so obsessed with my dating life to begin with?” I asked suspiciously. “Like it’s got anything to do with you if I were in a relationship now or not.”

“Pft, I’m not obsessed. Just curious.”

“Are too.”

Now it was Daehyun’s turn to roll his eyes, and even as he did that I found him oddly attractive. He, though, was too focused on acting sassy to really notice my intense stare focused on his face.  I observed the curve of his jaw, the crinkles next to his eyes, the shape of his lips. Almost like a nervous tic, I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear when he turned his gaze back at me again.

“’I’m Choi Nana and I’m so defensive over my relationship status that I start resorting to childish arguing, y’all,’” he said in a high-pitched voice that was supposed to be a replica of mine.

“That is so not how I talk.”

“Is too.”

I glared at him. He responded with a satisfied smirk. It gave me warm and fuzzy feelings inside, like I was lying comfortably underneath a cosy blanket on a cold winter day, candles lit around me and a steaming mug of hot chocolate in my hand. It was unfair how he could make me feel this way inside, even though he didn’t respond at all to the sight of me.

“Nah, seriously though,” he said after a moment of kicking each other under the table, “it’s just… after what happened that night, I was a little worried that what I did might have affected any of the relationships on your side too. For all I know, you might have been dating a guy at that moment and afterwards you had to break it off because his kisses just weren’t as amazing as mine.”

I blinked for a moment before barely managing to utter: “What?”

Daehyun burst out in laughter when he saw my shocked look. The crinkles near his eyes deepened when he was laughing. They were happy lines. I suppressed the urge to reach out a hand and trace them with the tips of my fingers.

“You have to admit it though,” he gasped in between his laughs, “I’m a pretty darn good kisser. It’s hard not to love me for it.”

God, if only he knew.

But, as I’d recently learnt to do very well, I did my best to maintain my cool and not to let anything slip. With a fake doubtful look, I lied: “Eh. I’ve had better.”

“Just admit it. You loved it,” Daehyun smirked as he shot me a greasy wink.

I pretended to cringe before saying: “Even if either of us did enjoy that kiss – and I certainly didn’t – would it even matter? You’ve got a girlfriend, you idiot.”

If he was surprised that I, for once, had been the first to bring up Jinae, he certainly didn’t show. Instead, he calmed himself and stopped himself from chuckling any further. I thought it was almost cute how funny he found himself.

Then, breathlessly, in a way that made me feel fluttery on the inside yet again, he said: “Maybe.”

In that moment I didn’t care if he’d told Jinae that the kiss hadn’t meant anything. If you’d asked me right then and there, I would have almost thought that the kiss might have meant something to him too.

Of course, I was being delusional.

There was no way.

Or was there?