Set Me Free - Younha 

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19/4/14
 

    Jessica didn’t like remembering her childhood. When she did, she remembered a few happy moments, most of them punctuated by shouts and screaming. She remembered his hands around her neck and she still remembered what it felt like. She remembered the struggle for air and how no one did anything to stop it. She remembered the manicured nails pinching her skin as though they would scoop out the flesh. She remembered the immense weight on her chest which only grew heavier when she tried to bear with it. 

    On this night she felt the hands as they squeezed and she woke up gasping in the darkness of her room. Her eyes stung and she spasmed with a shiver. Burying her face in her hands, she massaged it as she tried to suppress the memory. That only made her remember more. She sighed and reached for her phone. It was two in the morning. The only person who would have been willing to talk to her at that hour would be Yuri. But she decided not to call her, because Yuri already had so much on her plate, what with late nights at the bar and early mornings helping her parents with moving. Maybe Taeyeon would listen. She scrolled through her contacts (which were Yuri, Taeyeon, Sooyoung, Sunny, and her now estranged family), and hovered over Taeyeon’s name.

    Kim Taeyeon. That’s all it was. Nothing to show that they were in a relationship, and Jessica felt guilty. Guilty because she knew that Taeyeon loved her immensely and she didn’t know how to respond. She pressed call.
“Jessica?” Taeyeon’s groggy voice mumbled.
“Taeyeon,” Jessica questioned her idea of calling her, because she had no proper conversation planned.
“Is something wrong? Why aren’t you sleeping?” Taeyeon asked. Jessica found the tone of concern in her voice heartbreaking.
“I just—I just needed to talk to someone.”
“Why? What happened? Are you okay?” the sleepiness was no longer in Taeyeon’s voice.
“I…can I go over? I want to—I need to hug you,” Jessica found herself wiping away tears.
“Are you crying? Do you want me to make some coffee or something?”
“No, I’ll just go over now,” she paused, “I’m sorry for troubling you.”
“Oh Jessica, you know I would do anything for you,” Taeyeon whispered.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’d do anything for you, always.”

    When Taeyeon opened the door, Jessica just sort of collapsed onto her.
“Are you okay?” Taeyeon asked gently as she her hair.
“…I,” Jessica began, “I’m sorry.”
Taeyeon sighed, “I said it was okay.”
“No—I’m sorry you have to go through this, all of this stuff, being with me, taking care of me, loving me, being with me. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry you have to wait. I’m sorry I can’t tell you anything. I’m sorry I come to you in the middle of the night just so I can deal with my problems while I don’t think about yours. I’m sorry I can’t tell you I love you; I’m sorry you love me,” Jessica burst out and in to tears. Taeyeon was silent. All of these sudden thoughts made her feel immensely sad. Melancholic. Heart broken. She closed the door and ushered the crying Jessica into the bedroom, where they sat on the bed. Taeyeon sat quietly, knees pulled toward her chest and just watched Jessica. There were no sounds coming from Jessica, she just sat on the edge of the bed, face buried in her hands. It didn’t take a psychology course to tell Taeyeon that silent tears were the tears of a person who was hurting too much to explain with sounds. This was the first time she had ever seen Jessica cry. This was the first time she had ever felt so much heartache.
“Why do you cry, Jessica?” she asked softly.
Jessica lifted her head up, still not looking at her, and ran her fingers through her hair, “I…I don’t think I can tell you.”
“That’s okay, you don’t have to tell me the exact reason why you’re crying, just a simple answer like if you remembered something you didn’t want to, or if you just felt like crying,” Taeyeon said gently as she moved over to hold Jessica. Jessica thought about what she would say, what she wanted to let Taeyeon know. She wanted Taeyeon to know everything, to let her know the deepest corners of her brain and the very fragments of her soul, her fears and insecurities; everything.
“I—I dreamt about his hands around my neck and I could feel them and I couldn’t—I couldn’t breathe,” Jessica whispered.
“His hands? Who’s “he”?” Taeyeon asked patiently. She had a hunch that the person she was thinking about was indeed the person in question.
“My..m-my—” and then Jessica choked up and couldn’t bear to speak anymore. She screamed silently, scolding herself and clawing at her skin.
“Jessica,” Taeyeon grabbed her hands gently. “Please don’t blame yourself, don’t hurt yourself, don’t hate yourself, it wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes it was, it was my fault,” Jessica croaked.
Taeyeon held her tighter, “no, it wasn’t. Just because they told you that doesn’t mean it was true.”
“How do you know?”
“Because Jessica Jung is an angel, and she would never do anything to hurt anyone, or anything to offend anyone, or anything. Because I love you, a thousand times over, with every passing moment, with every breath I take and with every time I see you face in my mind. I love you, Jung Sooyeon, and don’t you forget that.”

    Jessica allowed herself to rest easy that night, and with every breath that brought her closer to sleep, she felt something bloom within her. That night, she didn’t let go of Taeyeon, and Taeyeon didn’t let go of her.

    That night she found something she could hold on to. Something definite in the unrelenting world full of changing tides and violent waves. An anchor.

    Kim Taeyeon was her anchor.

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Well this is a rather serious turn.

But like I said, character development.

This is one of my favourite Younha songs.

this was

somewhat

personal

I feel really uncomfortable admitting that

but I guess it's a step towards being at peace with myself?

I'm too young for this