December 2006

Beijing, China

As Yulana trod through the snow, she steadily held a cup of taro bubble tea in one hand and a cup of avocado smoothie in the other hand. The taro bubble tea was for Luhan. Although she never understood why he liked the drink so much, she never forgot to buy it for him every time she bought smoothie for herself. Likewise, although Luhan never understood why she liked to hear him sing so much, he never forgot to sing her to sleep every time she suffered from insomnia because she missed her dad. She had no idea how such a habit began, but ever since they came to know one another, they never forgot about each other for anything. From a few yards away, Yulana could hear crackling noises. She looked ahead and saw a young man crouching on the ground. She smiled and headed toward his direction to say hello.

“Hi, Ming,” she said.

Ming lived in the same neighborhood as Yulana and Luhan. For a twenty-five year old grown man, Ming never acted his age. It was not because he was immature, but rather, he was simply not right in the head. Others ostracized him while she merely pitied him. She never secluded someone for something which cannot be helped; so, she tried to make small conversations with Ming from time to time. Ming was friendly and can be quite comedic sometimes. But other times, his obsession disturbed her.

“Careful,” she reminded him. “Try not to get too close. Fire can burn you.”

When he remained unresponsive, she asked, “Aren't you scared the fire will burn you?” Now, he nodded.

Ming had placed some small tree branches on top of large cardboard pieces. His face scrunched up in concentration as he tried several times to make a fire from the matchsticks in his hand. After a couple of failed attempts, he raised his head and looked at her. His eyes widened like a madman. There was a sinister grin on his face. Each one of his next words was enunciated carefully and slowly. 

 “One day, I’m really going to make the BIGGEST FIRE THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN!”

Fear made her slowly back away from Ming. She hurriedly headed toward the safe comfort of her home, where she knew her loved ones were waiting. Her nerves calmed after she arrived home. When she opened her door, she could hear Luhan’s voice. It was unexpected. It was unexpected not because he was not welcome, but unexpected because Luhan was supposed to go to Changsha with his parents last night for the holiday. Why the sudden change of plans? His parents were definitely gone, but he was still here. Where else this was unexpected for Yulana, this was expected for Luhan. There was somewhere else he would rather be at. Yulana would never be able to guess location of that “somewhere” because he was already there… right now. She smiled when she heard his faint singing voice. Like his personality, his voice was never loud. It was gentle and sweet; on nights when she missed her dad, his voice soothed her pain. His voice may not be physically strong, but it never wavered or faltered, and that in itself was strength. Yulana considered Luhan as family. She just hadn’t figured out what type of family he was to her yet – a childhood friend, an older brother, or maybe even something else. Their houses were adjacent to each other, so ever since she befriended him, he came over often. Indeed, there was no other place he could walk to as quickly or as easily as her house. Was the reason for this easy accessibility really because of the close proximity of the houses or because it was Yulana’s house? Unlike her, Luhan already knew the answer a long time ago.

He sat near the window singing a soft melody while waiting for her to come home. Luhan had always been the one waiting for her. She walked quietly toward him in light footsteps so she won’t disrupt his singing. She recognized the tune as she came nearer. She had to smile. The song was “Falling in Love with the Future You” by Wilber Pan. It was about a boy longing for love, who met a girl uncertain about love; so, he allowed her time to consider his heart while deeply yearning for her. Yulana was quite fond of the song, so she casually sang a couple of lines sometimes. He must have grown a liking for the song when he heard her and decided to learn. She was wrong. On days where he was unfortunate enough to hear her sing, he cannot comprehend the lyrics or melody from her shrill and dreadful singing voice. He actually discovered the song by chance, and learned it because it reminded him of himself and an oblivious girl he knew. Yulana gently placed the drinks on the table. She picked up a Rubik’s cube and sat next to him. As she twisted and turned the Rubik’s cube, she listened to him sing. No matter how often or how long he sang, she can never be bored of his voice. It was simply beautiful… like him. After approximately ten minutes, Yulana groaned out in frustration.

“Oh my god, I swear I am so done with this Rubik’s cube. I hate – hate – hate it with a passion!” she screamed.

Luhan stopped singing suddenly and laughed. He raised his right hand, and waved it up and down in slow motion searching for her. When his fingertips brushed against her neck, he used it as a ladder for his hand to climb upward. When he reached her head, he stopped. He ruffled her hair. She groaned louder.

“Yul-mei, it’s been several months. You still haven’t solved it yet?” he asked.

She lowered her head in embarrassment. For some reason, she did not want to look stupid in front of Luhan. For some reason, she only wanted him to see the best side of her.

“No! Of course not! I already solved it last week! I just forgot the solution, that’s all,” she lied. Her voice came out as a high pitch.

Luhan smiled. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a terrible liar?”

Shocked, she turned her head to look at him. “How do you know?”

He simply chuckled, and began her long hair. “Yul-mei, I’ve got you memorized.” He meant every word.

Yulana sighed. “Seriously, if someone manages to solve this Rubik’s cube for me, then I think I will fall in love with him,” she said casually. She did not mean those words. For her, those were words of a child. But for him, those were words of hope. Like he said, he got her memorized.

She quickly changed the topic. “Seriously Luhan, you have a really beautiful voice. You need to share it with the world.”

“But who would listen to a blind boy sing?” he asked her.

She placed each of her hand on his cheeks. “Me. I will. Luhan, my mom told me everyone is a star, you know? Just because some stars shined brighter than others, it does not make the other stars any less special. If no one listens to you, it does not mean you are not a star like the others. It just means I will be your only fan. Am I alone not enough? Or do you need the world?”

He shook his head. She got it backward. If he had the whole world, but she was missing in it, then that was what will not be enough.

She let out a sigh of relief and dropped her hands. “And if we were to ever separate, I will be able to find you again by your voice alone.” She did not know why she said it, but she felt she had to let him know. Now, unlike before, she meant every word.

5:30 P.M…

Yulana was sleeping on her bed. She rolled up into a ball and cuddled against Luhan, who was sleeping silently next to her. Her head leaned comfortably against his shoulder. His right hand supported her neck and drew her close in a protective manner. Only heavy breathings could be heard. None of them knew how it began, but afternoon naps together, among other things, were also a habit. It had always been one of the most peaceful moments of their lives – until now.

A hand violently jerked her awake. “Yul-mei! Yul-mei! Wake up! WAKE UP! PLEASE!” Luhan screamed frantically as he shook her shoulder.  

Groggily, Yulana rubbed her eyes as she sat up. “Luhan, what’s wrong?”

Her senses were still muddled by sleep so she could not comprehend the situation yet. She felt a slight pain on her shoulders due to Luhan’s tight grip. Then, she smelled smoke – a lot of smoke! And it was hot – really, really hot! Immediately, she opened her eyes. Her room was lit up brightly in flames. She panicked. Terrible fear crept into her body and immobilized her. Unable to move, she held onto Luhan. Luhan dragged her body upward. He turned her around so her back faced him. Then, he placed his left arm on her head to protect her from anything which may fall from above. He wrapped his right arm around her shoulder in an unrelenting grip, and drew her close to his chest.

“Yul-mei, I cannot see. Don’t be scared. Stay calm and guide us. We need to alert your mom and brother. We need to GET OUT OF HERE!” Luhan told her. Although he tried to sound calm, he cannot hide the fear and panic in his voice.

Yulana slowly moved forward in shaky footsteps.

“Yul-mei, MOVE FASTER!” Luhan shouted. He loosened his arm around her shoulder. They moved toward the living room, where the main door was located. “Yul-mei, if anything happens, run out of here with your family. Just LET GO of me, got it?”

When she and Luhan reached the living room, her mom and brother came running toward her.

“THANK GOD you two are alright!” Yulana’s mom said breathlessly. .

The flames intensified. It spread across the ceiling, and traveled downward along the walls. As the flames the walls, small pieces of paint began falling off. The smoke thickened. Everyone coughed and began feeling lightheaded. Everything happened afterward was like a haze. It happened too quickly, like a terrible nightmare Yulana cannot wake up from. Yulana’s mom held onto her brother’s hand, her brother held onto Luhan’s hand, and Luhan held onto Yulana’s hand. The crackling noises were deafening. Careful to avoid the flames, everyone held strongly onto their partners’ hands, and rapidly moved forward in a straight line toward the main door in unsteady footsteps. Still holding onto Yulana’s hand, Luhan was about to step out the door. A thumping sound could be heard from above. Yulana looked up. A ceiling lamp was about to fall directly where hers and his hands were connected. Quickly, Yulana jerked her hands away from Luhan. Thud…Bam! The glass ceiling lamp dropped on the ground. The glass lamp shattered violently. A small glass piece bounced off and forcefully hit Luhan’s lips.

“Ahhh!” Luhan yelped at the sudden pain. His lower lip stung and burned.

Confused about the pain, Luhan turned his face sideway. Concerned about the loss of contact, he extended his hand outward to search for her hand.

“Yul-mei! Yul-mei!! Yul-mei!!!”

His screams were barely audible. Before he could reach for her, Yulana’s brother jerked Luhan’s hand violently forward. Luhan stumbled out the door, leaving Yulana trapped inside.

Yulana tried to move forward, but the fire already began spreading diagonally approximately ten feet from the door – blocking front entrance. The smoke thickened every passing second, which suffocated her. When she began coughing harder, she placed her hand over her nose in order to decrease the air flow of the toxic smoke into her lungs. Desperately searching for an escape route, she rotated her body left and right. She squint her eyes as she examined her surroundings, which was barely visible over the opaque smoke. Her pupils widened when her eyes landed on the backdoor. There was a clear path from where she stood to where the backdoor was located. If she acted quickly enough before the fire block that back entrance, then she might have a chance. Adrenaline kicked in. She took off her sweater and held it above her head. Thump...Thump…THUMP…THUMP… were the sounds of her noisy footsteps as she ran toward the back door. Pit…Pat…PIT…PAT… her heart beat echoed in her ears when she reached the door. Shakily, she wrapped her sweater around her right hand and…turned the knob. She screamed.

Luhan staggered out the door. Neither Yulana’s mom nor her brother realized Yulana was still trapped inside. Because Luhan was the only one who held her hand, he realized immediately she was in danger.

“SOMEONE PLEASE HELP HER! PLEASE! SHE’S STILL TRAPPED INSIDE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!” Luhan bawled desperately. No one was certain who he was bawling toward.

Oh, gosh…Yul-mei! Yul-mei! What should I do? His tears began falling. Terrible images flashed in his mind. Little Yul-mei trapped…crouching in a corner and crying for help…Yul-mei sobbing and calling out for him …

The tears burned his eyes, and felt like acid on his skin as they fell. He began pounding his chest to relieve the pain in his heart. So great was the pain that simply breathing was near impossible. Then, he heard a piercing cry.

The most terrible image of them all flashed in his mind: Yul-mei screaming in pain as she was burning alive.

The idea of Yul-mei alone, so alone, in there made him insane. He had to be there comforting her as she took her last breath. He had to save her, or die trying. Like he said before, he had to protect her even if he had to die. It was incomprehensible. It was illogical. It was suicide. He blindly ran into the fire.

As Yulana was turning the door knob, an ornament from the Christmas tree suddenly fell off and bounced on her shoulder. Due to fright, she let out an unnecessary scream.

“Luhan, NO!” Yulana’s mom screamed. As a mom, she was as concerned as Luhan about her daughter’s safety. She was about to run into the house herself before Luhan, in his recklessness, beat her to it.

She chased Luhan, but could not reach him in time. He was already about five feet into the house when she finally grabbed hold of his arm. Once inside, her eyes scanned the house. She saw her daughter escaping through the backdoor. She let out a heavy sigh of relief. 

“Luhan, it’s alright. Yulana is safe. She escaped through the backdoor. Let’s get out of here. Come, quickly,” Yulana’s mom said as she nudged Luhan’s arm.

She pushed Luhan in front so his back faced her. As they made their way out the door, she saw a lamp post was about to fall on Luhan from her peripheral vision. 

“Luhan! WATCH OUT!” She screamed.

She ran forward and pushed Luhan out the door with all her strength. He fell forward. Swoosh…Thud…His face landed on the grass. The lamp post fell in that exact moment. Smash…BAM! She did not get out in time. The lamp post fell and hit her hard on the head. It rendered her unconscious as blood began flowing outward. When Yulana was already out the backdoor, a loud noise made her turn her head.

Right before her eyes, she saw her mom pushed Luhan out the door. Then, she saw her mom lying on the cold ground. And blood…blood…so much blood was flowing out of her! Please…Please NO! No matter how much she begged, her mom continued to lie there unconscious, unmoving, and dead. A million “maybe” ran through her insane head. Maybe there was a still a chance? Maybe she was still breathing? Maybe, just maybe, they could get her mom to the hospital in time? The path between the front and back doors were still blocked by a raging fire, so she had to drag her mom out of there through the front door. She sprinted across the yard. When she reached the front of the house, her brother came running toward her.

“Jie jie! Jie jie!” he cried and embraced her. His small, chubby face was red as tears streaked down his face. BAM…BAM…BAM…She looked up. The roof collapsed.

“NOOOOO!!!” She lurched forward.

A pair of arms wrapped around her and held her back.

“Please! Don’t let them take my mom away. Please! Don’t let my mom die. My dad already died. She’s all I have left. Please! Please! Please!” she pleaded desperately to the heavens.

Unable to witness the scene, she turned her face, and sobbed uncontrollably on Luhan’s shoulders. Her younger brother ran toward a nearby bush to cry. Hiding had always been how he dealt with pain. The spasms of pain made Yulana weak and unable to stand. If Luhan could, he would take away all of her pain. Her despair tore his heart. Gently, he set her down on the ground. He was worried she might be cold; he took off his jacket and wrapped it around her. Then, he cradled her in his arms, and rocked her back and forth. He knew Yulana would relive this nightmare almost every night. His heart wept for her.

When Yulana calmed down a bit, when Yulana had no more tears to shed, Luhan placed a kiss on her forehead and whispered,

“Baby, don't cry. I will protect you…Yul-mei.”

2013

Seoul, South Korea

Yulana sighs as she continues to stare at her computer screen. She is currently suffering from every writer’s worst nightmare – writer’s block. She looks at the list of questions Qian gave her, but sigh again as her mind goes blank. Which fans’ questions should she pick? What type of scenarios is she supposed to create in order to subtly answer these questions, and allow each individual member’s color to shine? This morning, someone placed a November issue of Mina Magazine on her desk. Bored and uninspired, she flips through the magazine until she comes across EXO’s interview. She stumbles on the section of ideal types. Of the members, Lay's and Luhan’s caught her attention. While others discuss physical attributes, Lay’s ideal type was different: “My ideal type is someone who loves only me and has a sincere heart. She has to care, accept, and understand me during hard times.” She smiles, but her smile slowly disappears. She wonders if there was a story behind this answer. She snorts when she read Luhan’s rather shallow answer: “I like girls with long hair, large eyes, light skin, and possesses a quiet character.” But his answer in every interview had always been the same. It was as if rather than describing an ideal type, he was describing a specific person. Yulana decides to take a break.

As she walks down the long hall, she saw Luhan talking to a girl. Upon closer inspection, she recognizes her as Yoon Sohee (main actress in EXO music video). Large eyes and small lips frame her pretty face; and her long hair, which she tucks behind one ear, cascades like a waterfall down her back. She radiates an innocence that makes people want to protect her. Yulana’s heart breaks a little when she realizes Sohee fits Luhan’s ideal type perfectly. Was the reason why his ideal type always been a constant and specific answer because he was describing a specific person – was he describing her? She watches their interactions. Sohee comfortably lets her hands linger around his shoulder ever so often. He looks happy around her. The dark shadows that he always carried during his childhood are gone. Before, when Luhan was around Yulana, he did laugh; but his laugh was bittersweet. Yulana silently walks pass them, but he saw her.

He quickly catches up to her. He grabs her arm to stop her. “Hey, why did you walk away so quickly? Couldn’t you at least stop to say hi?” he asks.

Her back still facing him, she answers him with a lie, “Sorry, I’m so busy this morning. I didn’t see you.”

Luhan forces her to turn her body so they stand face to face. “Didn’t someone ever tell you it’s rude not to stand face to face with the person you’re speaking with?” he scowls. Why is he so crossed with her today? He laughs so easily around others, but he always wears an unhappy expression around her.

Feeling uncomfortable, Yulana tries to change the subject. She sees him holding a Rubik’s cube, and points toward the object. “Hey, how long have you been playing it? People said you’re quite good,” she said. This has to be the most awkward conversation in her life.

He surprises her by suddenly letting go of her arm. “Yeah, I’ve been playing it awhile. This girl told me once she will fall in love with me if I ever solve it, but she forgot. Stupid of me, huh?” he asks. He shakes his head, and walks away.

When she walks back to her desk, she sees Sehun standing there waiting for her. He places a cup of coffee on her desk. He crosses then uncrosses his arms several times. He clears his throat.

 “I hope you like coffee. I brew it myself this morning.” He bows to her then continues,  “Noona, I’m sorry about my attitude last week.”

She stands up to give him a light hug. “It’s alright. No offense taken. You were tired from practice so a bit of aggravation was to be expected.” When she finished talking, she notices Sehun nervously biting his lips. “What’s wrong?” she asks.

He raises his head, and looks at her straight in the eyes. “I – I thought about what you said, and I-I…umm…I think I like to go to a u-u-university,” he stammers. Oh? This is unexpected, Yulana thought.

“Umm…okay,” she said, “Why don’t you discuss it with your manager? I’m sure you can work something out.”

“Noona, I-I can’t. EXO barely debuted, so I don’t know how comfortable our company is about this. And I’m such a useless member. I can’t dance as well as Jongin, sing as well as Jongdae hyung, or even rap as well as Chanyeol hyung. Can't you see how replaceable I am, noona? But I trained hard, like really hard – as hard as any of the hyungs for a chance to debut. I don’t want a stupid thing like me wanting to go to a university have me kicked out of EXO. I can’t really talk to Joonmeyon hyung or any of the hyungs about this matter because they all put their personal interests aside for EXO. But here I am talking about dumb things like wanting a higher education. I may be young now, but like you said, no one knows how long EXO is going to last. Therefore, I want to be ready when that time comes. I like to study on my own, and attend a good university during our breaks between comebacks. Can you help me?”

Yulana frowns. His words barely made sense. Enrolling at a university is a typical dream for most boys his age, but why was there a slight shame in his voice? For the first time, she realizes hidden underneath Sehun’s stoic demeanor is really an insecure boy full of doubts and worries about the future like everyone else.

“Yeah, of course. My brother is currently a first year university student. I’ll ask him tonight for the materials he used to study for the college entrance exam as well as any other relevant study materials. I’ll give them to you,” she told Sehun.

“Thank you, noona! Can you give me your cell phone? I’ll give you my number so you can contact me. I don’t want our manager to know because you know why. Send me a text whenever you want to give me the study materials. Just drop by our dorm.” He laughs when he saw her face. “Oh gosh, noona! You look so funny right now. Relax! Girls come by our dorm all the time. Last month, Sulli, Krystal, and Amber noona stopped by to visit. Sohee noona and Qian noona also stop by to see Luhan hyung sometimes, but more so Qian noona. Our manager knows but he tolerates it as long as it doesn’t get ual.”

The idea of Qian and Luhan meeting up privately made her feel uneasy. It isn’t exactly jealousy but something else. Still skeptical about the idea, she reluctantly gives Sehun her cell phone. Then, she remembers what he said. It unsettles her.

“Sehun-ssi, can I tell you something?”

He gives her back her phone after he keyed in the last digit. “Yes, of course.”

“You said you were replaceable, but I don’t want you to think that way just because you feel you are not as talented as the others. Every one of you is a star, you know? Just because some of your hyungs shine brighter than you, it does not make you any less of a star.”

He smiles – really smiles. The innocence and sincerity touches her heart. “Thank you. A very precious hyung of mine told me the same thing.” It’s obvious Sehun is fond of this hyung.

“Sehun, why did you trust me enough to tell me about all this?”

“I don’t know noona. Hyung always said you were a really good person.” Before she gets a chance to ask who his hyung is, Sehun looks at his phone and panics. “Oh my, my manager is calling me. I have to go. See you later noona!” He bows then ran.

She picks up her phone and calls Qian. “Qian? Hey, it’s Yulana. Can you tell me EXO’s schedule for today?  I want to discuss EXO Showtime with a few members.”

“Uh…yeah, sure. Everyone except Sehun, Luhan, Baekhyun, and Kai is going to be attending a charity event in Busan, and they should be back in two days. Those four, however, has no schedule today or tomorrow.”

Perfect. It was an EXO-M member she wanted to see. “Thank you. Do you have any idea where Lay might be?”

“Uh, no, but Lay is known to spend his spare time practicing. Kris told me once Lay can practice up to ten hours a day. If you want to see Lay, try the practice room,” replies Qian.

“Thank you Qian.” She hangs up.

Yulana quickly made her way over to the SM building, where the practice rooms are located. When she walks down the long hall, she sees a picture lying on the ground. Knowing the picture might be important to someone, she picks it up. It was a picture of a middle aged woman. Although there were fine wrinkles on her face, her sharp features remained undistorted by time. Noisy footsteps and loud voices from behind made her turn around. On his hands and knees, Kris is carefully examining the corners. On the other hand, Tao is walking up and down the corridor, his eyes diverting back and forth. It’s obvious they were looking for something. She walks toward Tao. He turns his body to face her when he sees her walking up to him. She is slightly taken back when she met his eyes, which are red and b with tears.

She hands him the picture. “I think you were looking for this,” she told him in Mandarin.

His eyes lit up. He uses his shirt sleeve to wipe his tears. “YES! Thank you!” he replies back in Mandarin.

“She must be very important to you,” Yulana said.

Sadly, Tao looks down and begins the picture with his fingers. “She’s my mom. I miss her everyday.”

She smiles in understanding. For some people, “picture” is just a fancy word for a glossy, colorful piece of paper. But for people like Tao, who does not get to see his mom often, or people like her, who does not get to see her mom at all, pictures are precious. They capture lives’ precious moments and preserve them through time. Only in pictures do time stand still, and allow their viewers to dwell on the past, even when we are urged to move forward. Pictures capture the essence of the person we used to be, and pictures remind us of the person we cannot let go.

“Tao, where is Lay?” she asks him.

“Second room on your left,” he replies. She continues chatting a couple more minutes with Kris and Tao. Then, she bids them a good day so she can talk to Lay. She enters the practice room, and finds Lay sleeping in a corner near the door. Perspiration drips down his skin and drenches his shirt. He looks exhausted but peaceful, so she could not find it in her heart to wake him. Quietly sitting beside him, she waits for the unicorn to wake up. Approximately half an hour later, Lay begins to stir. He opens one eye. When he saw her, he immediately stand up and clumsily mutters an apology. She shakes her head, and smiles warmly at him.

“Yixing, it’s okay. It should be me who is sorry for disrupting your practice. We’re the same age, so you can drop the formalities. I actually came to talk about EXO Showtime with you, like what sort of image do you want to portray. Right now, I am stumped,” she admits in Mandarin.

Upon hearing his native language, Lay’s eyes widen in confusion. His comedic expression made her giggle. When he his head sideway with a “huh?” and his mouth hangs open, her giggles escalate into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Poor boy, he looks so lost; it’s hilarious.

“I’m so sorry,” she manages to say in between giggles. When she calms down, she said, “I’m sorry. Maybe I should have told you I’m Chinese.”

He nods. He comfortably sits beside her after she revealed they shared the same ethnicity. “Uh…yes, it’s okay. Most people react that way around me. About our variety show, I don’t want to trouble you or anything. Rather than portraying an image, I want to be myself. When people watch me, I just want to be pointed out as that “really hard-working Changsha kid.” I don’t want to change because I want to be recognized by my family back home…and her.”

The last word was barely audible when he accidentally slipped it out. He becomes quiet after realizing he revealed too much. Yulana turns her head to look at him – really look at him. He has that faraway look in his eyes. She recognizes that look – that sadness, that agony, and worst of all, that loneliness. He is missing someone; she wants him to realize he is not alone. She nudges his arm, forcing him to look at her. For the first time, she drops her guard. For the first time, she lets someone else see the pain in her eyes. When Lay sees the same yearning in his heart reflected in her eyes, he nods in mutual understanding. Silence briefly fills the room when they both recognize a kindred spirit in each other.

“You miss her?” she asks. It is a statement, not a question. He nods. “She must be very beautiful,” Yulana said before adding, “Tell me about her.”

He smiles. His voice gentles; his eyes stare straight ahead, not really looking at her, as he begins recalling a distant memory when he begins speaking. “No, she wasn’t an outstanding beauty. Not to others, anyway. But she was sweet, caring, and kind. My regrets are not appreciating her more, or shown her how much more precious she was to me. We dated for about four years. When I left China to be a trainee at SM, we continued our relationship, but it was hard. The time and distance was hard. Soon, practices became longer, and I came home less often. She was suffering, and I was miserable. She eventually gave up on our love. She broke up with me so I can concentrate on my debut. I still remember her words: “I don’t want to be a burden to you. One day you will understand my decision. One day you will thank me for leaving you.” But – ,” Lay chokes on his last word.

“But what she did not understand was she was never a burden but an inspiration for you to keep going,” Yulana finishes his sentence.

“I saw her last summer. She found a good man, someone who treats her well. All that matters now is she’s happy,” Lay said. It is now Lay’s turn to nudge her arm.

“What about him?” he asks.

Yulana’s lips curve upward into a sad smile. “We were childhood friends. Sometimes, he was my older brother, always protecting me. Sometimes, he was my best friend, always there listening to me. Somewhere between our afternoon naps and late night talks, I think I fell in love with him; but, I never realized it. He was always there for me, and while I should’ve been appreciative, I was ungrateful. I became too used to it, so his “always being there” became expected. I failed to understand he didn’t do it because he had to, but because he loved me. Then, something happened – a terrible accident which took my mom away,” Yulana said. She closes her eyes for several minutes before continuing.

“I blamed him for my mom’s death. I made him leave out of resentment. I now realize it was not resentment but cowardice. My mom’s death was really my fault. I was overwrought with guilt, and I couldn’t live with the pain knowing I killed my mom. It was easier blaming him than me. I want to apologize, but he had forgotten me.”

None of them notice Luhan is standing outside the door listening. He stops by to warn Lay to stop practicing or else he will injure his waist again. Luhan smiled when he accidentally eavesdrop Yulana and Lay’s pleasant conversation. This girl managed to get Lay to open up about his past. Luhan knows talking about the pain rather than bottling it up inside can heal a person’s wounds. Indeed, Yulana taught him this. Ever since she was young, Yulana has this amazing capability to sympathize and understand others’ pain. That has not change. However, his heart clenches when he overheard her telling Lay about him. He wants to barge in the door to clear up this misunderstanding between them, but he does not want to interrupt her and Lay right now; so, he walks away.

Noticing the melancholic mood, Yulana decides to change the topic. She begins telling Lay about Beijing. She describes in great detail about how beautiful snow decorates the city during winter, as well as famous historical sites such as the Great Wall, Tiananmen Square, and Forbidden City. In turn, he tells her about his family and Changsha. Their conversation lasted nearly an hour. She mutters an apology when she realizes she has to go back to her office.

Before she leaves, Lay whispers in her ear, “He has not forgotten you.”

Yulana walks away baffled and confused.

On her way back, she recaps today’s events in her mind, from Sehun’s desire to attend university, to Tao’s despair when he lost his mom’s picture, and finally Lay’s regrets about his past love. It suddenly hits her how incredibly young they all are. Underneath their calm exteriors and bright appearances are turmoil of pain and sorrows. She looks at the list of fans’ questions, and found the perfect one: Does EXO cry?

That night, upon her request, Yulana’s brother placed some relevant study materials on her desk before he left to go camping with his friends. Yulana decides to call it a day after she finishes writing the second episode for EXO Showtime. She looks at her clock – 8:30 P.M. It’s still early. She decides to send Sehun a text.

To: Sehun    

From: Yulana

Are you free right now? I can give you the study materials.                                                                                                                                                                                   

Sehun replies instantly.

 To: Yulana noona    

 From: Sehun

Daebak noona! Our manager is not here right now. Yes, now is the perfect time. Come by our dorm. I'll send you the address.                                                                                                                                                    

After Yulana got dressed, she suddenly feels lightheaded. She sits back down on her head for a couple of minutes; then, she decides she’s alright so she heads out the door. On her way to the dorm, her headache got worse. She pounds her head with her fist to relieve the pain. When she arrives at their dorm, she rings the bell. She shakes her head several times, and begins slow breathing exercises. Her headache intensifies. Sehun opens the door.

“Thank y– Oh my! Noona, are you alright?”

Sehun grabs the books from her, and quickly pulls her inside. He made her sit on the couch. Luhan got out of his room when he heard the commotion. As soon as he saw her pale face, he sprints to her side. He wraps his arm around her shoulder to support her body. Then, he places his hand on her forehead. Goodness! Her forehead is hot – really hot! No! The poor girl is burning! Without hesitating, he carries her bridal style and places her on his bed. Next, he gives her some medicine to reduce the fever. He removes her clothes, leaving her clad in only a thin shirt and pair of jeans. Luhan goes into the kitchen, and fills up a large bowl with cold water. He quickly grabs two small towels on the way back to his room. He places the bowl of water on the nightstand beside his bed. The bed creaks when he sits down next to Yulana. Luhan dips one towel in cold water then wrings it; he folds the towel into thirds then places it on her forehead. He picks up the second towel, dips it in cold water, and then wrings it. He uses this towel to rub her face, neck, and arms. Luhan repeats this exercise for several hours until her temperature cools. As she begins dozing, her breathing becomes slow and easy.

He holds her hand as she sleeps, relishing how her small hand fits into his like a perfect mold. His hand finally found its lost partner after searching for seven years. His stomach begins growling, so he decides to get up and get some food to eat then come back immediately. Afraid of disturbing her peaceful slumber, he stands up and slowly let go of her hand. As soon as she feels his hand pulling away, she moves her hand forward and swiftly grabs onto his hand again. Her grip tightens and startles him. In her touch, he feels her desperation and fear: she is afraid to let go again. Her body begins fidgeting as she rolls her head back and forth.

Her parched lips open, and begins mumbling two words over and over again. “Don’t go…Don’t go…Don’t go.”

He quickly sits back down on the bed. He lies down on his side next to her, and positions her so her body faces him.

Seven years ago, Yulana saw him lowering his head to another boy his age.

She immediately raised his head, and said, “Xiao-Lu, never lower your head unless you are speaking to an elder. Never think of yourself as any less than someone else. When two people talk, they have to stand face to face. Only then can they become equals,” Yulana said and nods, feeling proud of her immature logic.  

After their separation, on winter nights when the harsh wind becomes too cold, on winter nights when his longing for her becomes unbearable, Luhan sleeps on his side and pretends she is lying next to him…face to face. Now, she is really here, lying next to him. He places a light kiss on the back of her hand. Unfortunately, she continues fidgeting as she murmurs incoherent words. When he listens closely, he realizes she is pleading for her mom not to die and for him not to leave.

He kisses her forehead and whispers, “Sshhh…Sshhh…It’s alright. It’s going to be okay. I’m not leaving.” She calms instantly.

He frowns. Are you still hurting? Whatever evils trouble your dreams at night, whatever darkness disturbs your dreams, please let it go. He wraps his arms around her, and pulls her body closer to him. Her face rests on his shoulder, and her hands rest on his heart.  “Sleep well,” he whispers before his eyelids close.  

That nightmare came to her again. Yulana stood there as her mom lied dead on the ground. The fire intensified. The flames wreaked havoc. Helpless and afraid, she felt tears b on her eyelids. Unable to escape the nightmare, she began to cry. Then, a clear, distant voice from outside the dream calls her back.

“Baby, don’t cry. I will protect you…Yul-mei.”

                                                                                                                                                                                        Her eyes open.

December 2006

Beijing, China

One day later, Ming turned himself in as the culprit. Five days later, at age fifteen, she laid her mom to rest. Some gave her their condolences; some tried to cheer her up; and some simply pitied her. For her brother, this was the first time he had to face death directly. (He was only two year old when her father died.) Such great pain confused him, so he withdrew within himself and continued to hide. Luhan held her every night. Luhan comforted her every night. Luhan had always been there every night. Ungrateful as she may be, she cannot help but replay the scene of her mom pushing him out the door and died in his place. Selfish as she may be, she cannot help but blame him for her mom’s death, and sometimes, she almost hated him.

This tension soon escalated one night. Every night, Luhan’s mom drove him over to their motel. Others’ moms would have considered this as a nuisance, but Luhan’s mom was a close family friend, so she understood. As always, Luhan brought them dinner. While Luhan and her brother were eating, she simply sat there. She stared blankly ahead, unmoving. On his left, Luhan could hear her brother slurping on noodles. On his right, where Yulana sat, he heard nothing. He frowned. She was not eating.

“Hey, Yul-mei, try to eat a little,” he said softly. “Your mom would not want to see you like this.” When he mentioned her mom, she felt resentment boiling up inside her. She turned her head and glared at him.

“It’s your fault.” The words came out of before she was able to retract them.

He looked sad and lowered his head. “I know,” he replied. “What do you want me to do?”

Her shoulders shook as she sobbed. “I want to say goodbye. I want you to go away. I want to forget.”

Luhan stood up. He moved his hand around until his fingertips brushed the top of her head. He placed his hand on her head and grabbed onto the scalp. He gently pulled her forward until her forehead met his lips. He placed a kiss and whispered, “Goodbye, Yul-mei. But remember what I said, I will always protect you.”

Then, he walked away. That night, she cried herself to sleep. She grieved for the loss of her mom and also for another loss. The next night, Yulana sat in front of the television, concentrating real hard on the movie to dull the pain. Her brother walked up to her, and handed her a small package.

“Luhan came by this morning while you were sleeping to give you this package. He said him and his family is going to move far away,” said her brother. The word “away” saddened her.

She opened the package. Inside, a small necklace hung around a stuffed deer’s neck. The necklace had a four-leaf clover charm.

“The first leaf symbolizes hope, the second faith, the third luck, and the fourth –.” Luhan suddenly became quiet. “Hmm…I’ll tell you later when you are old enough.”

“Jie-jie, our mom’s death was not his fault,” her brother said. “When we heard you scream, she ran in to save you. Luhan ran in to save you.” The word “you” echoed like thunder in her ears.

When an ornament from the Christmas tree fell off and bounced on her shoulder, she let out an unnecessary scream.

Blinking back tears, Yulana turned her head sideways because she could not look at her brothers’ eyes and not see his sorrow and…blame. He blamed her. She felt those emotions emanating from his eyes. She felt hurt someone so close to her was looking at her that way. Was that how she looked at Luhan? Did Luhan felt it too?

“Jie jie, I don’t blame you. Luhan explained everything to me. He said death is a natural part of life. He said our mom died because God loved her too much, so He wanted to bring her to heavens with Him. Luhan said as long as we remember mom and keeps her in our hearts, then it’s not really goodbye. And he also said he will come back for us,” said her brother. Tears muffled his voice when he finally asked her, “But jie jie, Luhan won’t go away and forget us, right?”

Clutching the stuffed deer in her hands, Yulana stood up and ran out the door. She called a taxi, and headed straight to Luhan’s house. She arrived too late. He already left. Heartbroken, she collapsed on the snow. The pain immobilized her, making it impossible to do naught but rocked back and forth in a fetus position as agony overwhelmed her.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” she repeated over and over again as she sobbed. She felt cold and empty. The winter she once thought was so beautiful was now nothing but despair.

Some people had to drink coffee every morning, which was a habit. Some people had to drink tea every night, which was a habit. Luhan sang to her on some nights, which was a habit. Luhan always there to comfort her, which was a habit. Sleeping next to Luhan in the afternoons, which was a habit. Being together with Luhan, which was a habit. Such was the nature of their relationship – a habit. Because habits tend to be ordinary and mundane, one tended to forget its importance. Often, one may not even realize when or how such habits became necessary.

Luhan always waiting for her was also a habit. Now, she was the one to wait for him. That night, the fire engulfed everything. That night, the flames took away everything. But this night, her idiocy drove him away.

With trembling fingers, she took off the necklace from the stuffed deer, and placed it around her neck. Then, she held the deer close to her chest, and pressed it close to her heart. Suddenly, his voice resounded through the deer.

“Happy birthday my beautiful Yul-mei!” Then, he began serenading words spoken from his heart.

“I will burn all of the scars.

Baby, don’t cry tonight.

After the darkness passed,

Pretend none of this had happened.

There was no choice for us but to separate.

Baby, don’t cry tonight.

You might feel as if the sky was about to fall down,

When I had to let you go,

That moment were filled with our bright tears.

But baby, don’t cry tonight,

My love will remember you.

On the dark shadow of our pain, on the threshold of our farewell,

Just let the night pass silently in agony.

Remember, my love will protect you and never let go.

So baby, don’t cry…cry” 

                                                                                                                                                                                               She cried.