2013

Seoul, South Korea

Opening the double set of doors, Yulana steps inside the SM C&C building. Holding onto her coffee cup nervously, she walks up to the front receptionist.

"Hi, my name is Zhang Yulana. I’m the new writer,” she said.

As soon as she walks into the building, reality hits her hard. This is SM C&C.  The college students who stay up in the wee hours of the night to finish their essays by the deadline were no longer here. The aspiring writers who spend endless nights to write the perfect script in the hope it will be accepted by the school’s drama department were no longer here. Those people are now replaced by professional writers who devote their blood and tears into one drama. Their main goal in life is recognition and compensation for their hard work through high television ratings. “It’s a sad existence,” her brother once commented.

“Ah, yes, Zhang Yulana. Please go see Lee Dasom on the third floor.”

“Thank you,” she said. She bows to the elder lady. 

As Yulana steps inside the elevator, she feels her confidence diminishing by the second. Hoping the caffeine will calm her nerves, she begins sipping on her coffee. A sudden voice yells “Hold up!” when the door was about to close. She held it open. The voice’s owner steps in. She choked.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I did not mean to scare you,” he said apologetically. He made a move to place his hand on her back, but she steps aside.

“It’s alright,” she said when she finally stops coughing. What is he doing here? A part of her sincerely hope him coming here is not coincidental, but she dismisses the idea.  Embarrassed, she moves as far away from him as possible. He tries to look at her, but she quickly averts her eyes. Time awkwardly pauses. Luhan breaks the silence.

“Hey, you look familiar. Aren’t you the taro bubble tea girl from this morning?” he asks in an incredulous tone.

What? Taro bubble tea girl? What is he -…“Oh? Umm… yes,” she responds.

She looks at him and catches him blatantly staring at her. As much as Yulana wants to look away, she couldn't. The intensity of his gaze immobilizes her, and the memories wrapped inside her heart begin to unravel one by one. He steps closer. She steps back. Shaking his head, he looks at her and laughs.

“Relax. My name is Luhan,” he introduces himself. Her heart sinks in disappointment. She expected a different greeting, such as one exchanged between old friends, or at the very least, acquaintances.  He bows and offers his hand. “You must be the new writer my manager told us about. You walked out on me this morning before I could greet you properly. Why are you so scared of me?” he asks.

I’m not scared of you but afraid and hurt. I’m afraid of wanting something that is far beyond my reach. You have always been a star to me; but now, you’ve became a star to the word. I’m hurt you do not remember me. Because of that, I finally realize you are farther from me than I could ever possibly imagine, and now I think I have truly lost you.

“My name is Yulana. I’m not scared but nervous,” she lied, and a fake smile plasters on her face. She shakes his hand. Once again, she fails to notice his hand lingers a little too long during their handshake. “It’s not every day you get to meet such a big star, you know?” she lied again.

It’s now his turn to feel disappointed. He, likewise, expected a different answer. He steps closer, and hands her a cup of taro bubble tea.

“This is the bubble tea you ordered from this morning. I cannot drink two by myself. I was planning to give the second one to Sehun, but here you are…so yeah,” he said (a little too hostile).

His voice suddenly gentles, and sounds almost sad, when he said, “I’m used to girls chasing me, but you are a strange one. Did you know you are actually the only girl who ever walked out on me? I guess that makes you quite special.” He pauses then added, “I won’t hurt you, so try not to walk out on me again, Yul-m…uh…Yul-ana.”

She fails to notice how he stumbles over the “- ana” part at the end of her name. Neither did she catch the double meaning behind his words. The elevator opens at her floor. They made a quick bow to each other before she steps out.

“You’re still a terrible liar,” Luhan mutters quietly. She did not hear it.

Five minutes later, she sat inside Lee Dasom’s office. Lee Dasom sunbaenim wears thick brimmed glasses, which she adjusts regularly as she examines Yulana’s file. Her uneven eyebrows made her look suspicious. Yulana can tell from a glance Lee sunbaenim is a strict and unforgiving woman.

Lee sunbaenim finally raises her head. “I’m going to be honest with you, Yulana-ssi. You were not our first choice for this position. Although your degree from Seoul National University certainly deserves recognition, your lack of experience concerns me. You are 22 this year, right?” she asks.

“Yes, sunbaenim,” replies Yulana.

“You are still quite young. I almost discarded your application had a certain someone from our company not been so persistent in hiring you. That person praises your talent almost ridiculously. That person’s recommendation made me change my mind,” she stated before adding, “and I’m glad I did.” She continues, “We needed someone young and refreshing for this position, an aspiring writer from a prestigious university, and a person fluent in Mandarin and Korean. You happen to meet all the criteria, but you were not the only one. Hence, I asked you and all the potential candidates to send me their writing samples. When I read your amateur sitcoms, you impressed me. So, despite your lack of experience, I decided to give you a chance.” The elder lady said. Her thin lip twitches up into a smile.

“Thank you, sunbaenim.”

“I will tell you what your job entails. Our new idol group EXO will have their own variety show soon in order to increase their popularity. We want to show a new side of EXO to the general public. We want to showcase them as normal, everyday young men – people whom anyone, whether young or old, can befriend. EXO’s fanbase consists mainly of underage girls and women in their 20s. This is why we wanted a talented, young, and refreshing writer who can understand the mindset of these females. As you well know, some members of EXO are not fluent in Korean, so it would be helpful if the writer is fluent in Mandarin. The name of this variety show will be EXO Showtime. You will be in charge of writing the script.”

Yulana’s eyes widen. Her jaw drops. However, she collects herself, and stands up to give Lee sunbaenim a deep bow. “Thank you, sunbaenim. I will try my best,” she said gratefully.

“You will be meeting Liu Qian from Public Relations in fifteen minutes to discuss further details. Tomorrow you will meet EXO,” Lee sunbaenim said. She stands up to shake Yulana’s hand. Yulana returns the handshake. “I hope you meet my expectations, Yulana-ssi.”

Before Yulana left her office, Lee sunbaenim suddenly said, “Try not to fall in love with that kid.” Confused, she turns around and politely said, “Yes, sunbaenim.” Huh! Maybe Yulana had been wrong, and Lee sunbaenim has a secret sense of humor after all.

Yulana sits inside a small conference room waiting for Liu Qian. She has so many unanswered questions. How did Luhan know she is the new writer? Towards the person whom, in Lee sunbaenim’s exact words, “praises her talents almost ridiculously,” she is more suspicious than grateful. Because she and her brother were both minors when their mother died, both were forced to move to Korea to live with their aunt, their only relative, and ultimately, their worst nightmare. (Because Yulana was underage, her mother’s money was automatically transferred to her aunt. Her aunt was supposed to use the money to care for Yulana and her brother.) As soon as Yulana turned eighteen, that woman kicked her out of the house after using up all of her mother’s money to pay for her son’s gambling debts. Her brother had been so young, and she herself had barely been an adult, so life had been almost hell after that. Although she had many side jobs, money continued to be a problem. During the most desperate times of her life, mysterious white envelopes, which contained money, began arriving at her apartment from 2009-2011 on a monthly basis. Towards that person, she had been grateful – until last year. Last year, when she and her brother went back to China to pay respect to their parents, she came across a disturbing piece of evidence regarding her mother’s accident. Because she has no connections in SM, she now wonders if there is any relation between her mysterious benefactor and her recommender. If that person is one and the same, was it done out of charity, or worse, to right a wrong? A knock on the door snaps her out of her thoughts.

A pretty girl, who is maybe only a few years older than Yulana, walks in. Wavy brown hair cascades down her back, and softens her harsh features. Yulana’s eyes widen in shock.

“Qian?” she asks. It came out as more of a statement than a question.

Qian lived in the same neighborhood as her and Luhan back in Beijing. Although Yulana was certainly on friendly terms with Qian back then, Qian had been more of Luhan’s friend. She often discussed with Qian about various topics, ranging from etymology (most memorable word being numinous) to literature. Unfortunately, their conversations were polite at best and lacked depth, emotion, and passion, which were all necessary elements in hers and Luhan’s own conversations. Qian claimed to be Luhan’s friend, but Yulana noticed she only showed him friendly affections in private, where else in public, she was oblivious toward him. Yulana secretly suspected Qian was ashamed of befriending a blind boy. For this reason, she respected Qian as a sunbae, and maybe on occasions could even be considered friends, but they had never been close.

“It’s nice to see you again, Yulana,” Qian said. Qian sounds friendly enough, but Yulana has a feeling Qian is not pleased by the way she bites her lips. Yulana pushes the idea aside.  After sitting down next to Yulana, Qian hands her a piece of paper. The paper had a variety of questions listed on it. She silently chuckles at some of the questions.

“These are some of the more reasonable questions asked by EXO fans. Look through them, and pick out the ones you like. Then, create scenarios to allow these questions to be answer in EXO Showtime. However, a lot of these questions are quite personal. This is why you need to talk, or interview, the EXO members,” she stated flatly before adding, “often.” Now, Yulana certainly hears the unpleasantness in her voice when she pronounces the last word. 

What’s up with Qian? Although she and Qian lost contact four years ago, there was no bad blood between them. They had never been close friends, and both had been so busy with their own lives, so neither bothered to keep the communication going. Could Qian be the one who recommended her to Lee sunbaenim? No, like Yulana said, they had never been close.

“Qian, can I ask you a question?"

“Yeah, sure.” Qian responds casually.

“This morning L-…umm…no, I mean one of the EXO members recognized me as the new writer. How?” she asked.

“Oh, Luhan? Don’t think too much about it. We already told the members about you. One of the younger members was curious what you look like so we showed them your photo,” Qian said.

That makes no sense. Why would an EXO member be interested in knowing what an ordinary writer look like? Also, why did Qian specifically point out Luhan? Qian surprises her by suddenly grabbing her hand.

“Yulana, I am truly glad to see you again. It was unfortunate we lost contact. I’m happy we are colleagues now. I realized we were not close before, but I hope we can become good friends in the future. Think of me as an older sister you can always come to whenever you need help,” Qian said. A genuine smile plasters on her face. Uh…ok? Is it right for Yulana to deny a friendship because of a past prejudice?

“Of course,” Yulana responds. She contemplates whether to accept the friendship. Once Yulana already made an opinion about someone, it is nearly impossible to change. These opinions are based on careful observations, not hearsays or gossips. While her opinion of Qian’s personality is not entirely negative, it is definitely not good by any standard.

“Where are you staying now?” asks Qian.

“My brother and I are residing at the apartment complex five blocks down the street from SM,” Yulana replies.

Yulana came to the SM main building the next day to meet EXO. Nervously, she opens the door to their practice room. The members are spread out throughout the room. Some are talking with other members; some are sitting alone holding a bottle of water; and some are lying down on the cold floor. Although she believes there are no ill feelings between any particular member, it’s obvious some members, such as Tao and Kris, are closer to each other than other members; some members, such as Kai and D.O, only gives the public appearance of closeness; and some members, such as Lay, are a bit isolated from the others. She almost feels sorry for disrupting them during their break time; but, had she not need to come interview them, a disgusting feeling tells her they would not even have a break. The entertainment industry, like some people, only looks beautiful from the outside. These young men basically sold their souls to the Devil the minute a contract is signed – some for fame, some for glory, and some for hope their dreams will be realized.

“Umm…Hello! I’m Zhang Yulana,” she stutters nervously and bows. However, her voice was too soft due to nervousness. So, she clears loudly. Everyone looks up and immediately gave her their full attention. They all simultaneously bow to her.

Suho made the initial greeting, “We have been expecting you, Yulana-ssi.”

“Yes, I would like to begin by discussing EXO Showtime: what types of images you all want to portray yourselves as, as well as activities you want to do and places you want to visit. Afterward, I have some questions of my own for you all,” Yulana stated flatly, quickly, and frankly. She has always been that type of person. There is no need to beat around the bushes when it is clear EXO would rather rest than talk to her. Everyone seems interested except for Sehun.

“What type of image “we” want to portray?” Sehun asks. Suho slightly shakes his head at the maknae. However, he ignores Suho’s silent warning and continues, “We each are already given an image. On variety shows, my hyungs claim I have aegyo, not because I actually have aegyo, but because our company tells us I have aegyo. Look at Chanyeol hyung right now, is our happy virus even smiling? I do not mean any disrespect, but you can get in trouble if you portray us differently.” He mocks her.

Rather than anger, a sudden surge of sympathy and compassion overwhelms her. No, Chanyeol is not smiling right now. A stranger such as herself only needs to glance at him once, and she can see the exhaustion in his eyes – the exhaustion in all of their eyes. Too many people share the sentiments idols do not have a right to complain. Too many people have uttered phrases such as “This is their job,” “They should have expected this,” and “No one ask them to choose this life.” But everyone has love in their lives, such as her love for writing and her brother’s love for architecture.  Idols’ only faults are their love for the stage, love for the performance, love for singing, love for dancing, and love for music. Her brother entered university because he wanted to live his dream. Idols entered entertainment companies because they wanted to live their passion. When her brother filled out his college application, he promised to study diligently in exchange for a degree. When idols sign a contract, they promised to practice diligently in exchange for a debut. Is it right for entertainment companies to change their artists’ personas in exchange for such a debut? How exhausting must it be to not be able to live as your own person? Like the mayflies which follow each other into their deaths because of their love for the light, these men follow each other into their agony because of their love for the spotlight. Sehun’s words were not spoken out of disrespect, but rather, a reflection of a child’s agony.

Yulana carefully plans her next words. “Have you thought about the future? EXO is the trend now, but what will happen in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? What will you do when EXO is no longer relevant? What will you do when EXO’s comebacks are one fail after another? Or worse, what will you, who has no college degree, do when SM disbands EXO to make way for younger idols,” she pauses before adding, “Oh Sen.” Sehun narrows his eyes. She has no intention to mock him, but rather, the words “Oh Sen” were supposed to serve as a reminder of his immaturity. (Yulana is referring to the audio scandal in which Sehun mocked his fans for calling him "Oh Sen." It created a bit of an uproar among Korean netizens.) 

Here is one who clearly knows her own mind and is not afraid to speak it, Luhan thought vaguely. An admirable trait, he decided.

Sehun stares at her, and she boldly met his eyes – her own gaze never faltering. She has to get her point across and make him understand.

“Yes, I realize the company gives you an image to upkeep. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it must be to not be able to live as your own person. This is why you need to create your own image. This is why you need to create a lasting legacy for yourself. That way, if anything happens in the future, you can still stand on your own two feet. Would you not rather be remembered as Oh Sehun, a person with an actual name, than simply EXO’s maknae?” Yulana asks. 

She has no idea where the courage came from when she boldly declares (which maybe she said on a whim in the spur of the moment, or even an attempt to sound strong in order to protect her pride in front of a kid), “If I get in trouble for trying to help you create your own image, then let it be my problem and responsibility. I do not believe SM C&C is the only company in Korea who needs a writer.”

It was not until she finished her speech that she actually realized how much she meant it. More than half of the EXO members were younger than her, and with their earnest eyes, all remind her so much of her own brother. Sehun remains quiet as his eyes shift away. She cannot be sure whether his shifty eyes are an indication of him comprehending her words, a natural reaction of embarrassment, or worse, silent defiance of a child. The room has a comfortable silence as everyone begins contemplating her words. She breaks the silence. If she is going to write a variety show about them, then she needs to at least know them. She begins with a common question,“Tell me how you see yourself and how you want others to see you." A large grin spreads across her face as each member takes turn answering her question. Some members, such as Baekhyun, are very vocal about their opinions; others, such as Lay, are more reserved. She made a mental note to talk to these members personally if there is time. All the members begin leaving after an hour. One person stays behind. His eyes never leave her sight – Luhan.

“Thank you for helping Sehun,” he said. “He’s actually a good kid, but sometimes he can be a little…yeah, you know what I mean.” He continues, “Every one of us was so young back then. We signed that contract with a lot of fear because I do not think anyone really understood the full implication behind it; but, music was a fascination we cannot walk away from. We were awed by celebrities we see every day on T.V, and somewhere along the way, all of us became attracted to that spotlight. This overwhelming feeling is what drives and inspires us to keep going and keep practicing to improve ourselves even on days when we felt as if we could die from exhaustion. I’m glad you understood this although majority of the public condemns us for our choice.”

There is actually something more he wanted to add. The words you spoke to Sehun were not words from a young woman, but rather, were words from a wise person whom is able to understand others’ agony because she has seen and endure too much. Exactly how much sufferings were there in your life?

Luhan decides to keep these thoughts to himself. “Why did you become a writer?” he asks suddenly.

She smiles sadly and avoids looking at him in the eyes. Because if she did, she has a feeing she might break down and start crying. “A long time ago, I made a mistake to someone. Because of my harsh words, I inflicted a deep wound inside that person’s heart. I want to say sorry, but I do not know how because that person already left. So, I hope by writing down these unsaid words, that person might come across my writing by chance one day and understand.”

Now, she finally has the courage to look at him in the eye. “More than anything, I seek forgiveness.”

Luhan remains unresponsive. Now, it is her turn to ask him a question. “Why did you become a singer? Was it also because you, like everyone else, were fascinated by the spotlight?”

Luhan looks at her sadly. His eyes glisten.

“No. A girl once told me I had a really beautiful voice. She said I needed to share it with the world. And she said if we were to ever separate, then she would be able to find me again by my voice alone.”

Then, he walks away.