Understand.

The morning air caught me in a chilly embrace as I stepped onto the ledge of my window. Light was beginning to break through the clouds in the sky while the streets were swallowed up in silence. I jumped and landed on the grass, with Sull-Hee following closely behind me.

“Do you like going to school?” Sull-Hee asked as we made our way down the street.

“No,” I replied. “Not exactly.”

“Then why do you still go?”

“Because I have to.”

“Can’t you just not go? Why waste your time if you don’t like it?”

I turned to her, arching a brow. “You sure are nosy aren’t you?”

She shrugged. “I just have a lot of questions.”

I let out a sigh, smiling bitterly as I dug my head deeper into my coat. “Maybe it’s because I’m still hoping for something.”

“Hoping for what?”

“That’s enough questions for today, you annoying snowflake.”

Sull-Hee pouted but continued to walk beside me in silence.

It’s almost been a week since Sull-Hee appeared in front of me and declared herself as my own personal genie-snowflake. The only thing was that she hasn’t actually been able to grant anything so far.

When I reached the halfway mark, I saw Hana in the distance, coming out of her house. I was just about to walk past her but stopped when I saw her mum in the corner of my eye.

“Good morning, Jongin.” The older woman smiled at me warmly.

I couldn’t help but soften up at the sight of the woman’s gentle smile. “Good morning.”

As soon as Hana’s mum went back inside and closed the door behind her, I began walking again but stopped at the sight of Hana’s eyes on mine. She looked at me closely and touched the newly added bruise on my cheek that I copped from dad last night.

“Are you alright?”

“Could’ve been better,” I answered, still being able to feel every bone in my body ache even after a week of picking a fight with Jinki.

“That’s not what I’m talking about.” Her eyes softened. “If anything happened, you can tell me, you know.”

Fighting with dad had become a daily routine for me. I didn’t mind what he said. It was always the same thing repeated over and over again. It was just until last night that he chose a different topic to talk about. I frowned as his voice echoed in my head.

“Being with someone like you will just drag her down. That girl has a future. You don’t. It’s as simple as that. If you keep hanging around her, she’ll just end up like you.”

I grabbed her hand and slowly set it down. It was warm. It was the type of warmth that I was dying to have, dying to feel. I held onto her hand tightly, furrowing my brow at all the knotted thoughts in my head and all the frustration I was feeling from being so in need.

I needed her. ‘Jongin’ needed her.

“You won’t understand, Hana.” I let go of her hand. “I don’t think you ever will.”

But right now, I can’t afford to be ‘Jongin’. ‘Jongin’ was weak. Weak enough to break.

“If I don’t try to understand you, who will?”

‘Kai’ is enough. Being ‘Kai’ is enough to keep me standing. For now.

“Sorry, Hana.” I quietly said. As I walked passed her, I noticed the glimmer of light bouncing off the ring dangling on the chain around her neck. It was engraved with metal black lines around the smooth sterling silver shank. Even if it was just a glimpse, I could clearly see her name etched on the inside of the ring.

My heart squeezd.

“I trust her with you, Jongin. Please take care of Hana for me.”

I let out a quiet sigh, pushing back the memory down to the corner of my brain again, where it belonged.

I’m sorry, ahjusshi. I’ll do this my own way. I can’t drag her down with me. I’ll keep on walking, even if I do so alone.

❄

The library was deserted as always in the morning, like I preferred it to be. Hardly anyone was at school yet and even if they were, no one would even think twice about entering a place such as the library at this time. I walked over to my usual table in the back corner of the library, positioned beside a window and hidden behind large bookshelves. I settled down into the chair and took out a few books and a pencil from my bag.

My thoughts dissolved from my brain as soon as I began doing some of the book’s exercises, deeply immersing myself with complicated numbers and equations.

After watching me for a while in silence, Sull-Hee peaked over my shoulder curiously, furrowing her brow as soon as she laid eyes on the pool of equations on the page. “Is that what humans call homework?”

“No,” I replied, flipping over the page full of completed exercises. “I just do them when I’m in a bad mood.”

“Do you like it?” she continued to ask.

“If I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t be doing it, would I?”

“You don’t like being cold to the girl called Park Hana but you still are, aren’t you?” I stopped and turned to her, not knowing what to say.

“You’ve gotten pretty nosy after hanging out with me for a couple days, aren’t you?” I finally said.

“It’s not being nosy,” she argued. “It’s just that once snowflakes find a master, they have to forever swear loyalty to that person for as long as they exist, so it’s my duty to think about you all the time.”

“That’s funny, because you can’t even grant any wishes.” I retorted, making a face at her as I recalled her failed attempt at doing anything I asked for last, such as bringing over a cup of water just to name a one.

“There’ll come a time when your real wish will appear, Master,” Sull-Hee replied, her blue eyes shimmering in the light. “When that time comes, I’ll use everything in my power to grant you that wish.”

“So in other words, you can only grant me one wish?”

She thought for a moment then broke into a grin. “Yes!”

I frowned at her stupid smile and let out a sigh, turning my head to the window and rested the side of my face on my palm. In the distance, I could see Hana walk through the school gate with her hands dug into her coat pockets and half her face buried into her scarf.

I furrowed my brow. Something inside me just broke every time I looked at her. Ahjusshi’s face would come to my mind again, repeating the same words as that day in a voice that was barely a whisper.

Then, her crying face would appear in my mind and what I hated the most was that it wouldn’t go away.

“She may be the only who will ever be able to understand someone like you, Master,” Sull-Hee said, approaching the window. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Sull-Hee's voice bought me back to reality and I tore the picture out of my mind. Annoyed at how she sounded like she knew everything about me, I threw down my pencil and flashed her a glare.

“Shut up,” I growled back, which took her quite aback. I turned to her and let out a sigh and lowered my voice after seeing the look on her face. “You won’t understand why I’m doing the things I am. How would someone like you ever understand? You’re not even human.”

“That is correct,” Sull-Hee said, approaching the window. “But the question is, how long will you be able to last without her?”

Heaving another quiet sigh, I picked up my pencil again and buried myself back into the exercises and worded problems, abandoning any possible answers to Sull-Hee’s question in my head.

“I don’t know,” I scribbled on the exercise I screwed up on and tore off the page, scrunching it up in my hand. I let the ball of paper drop to the floor and slumped back in my chair as Sull-Hee looked back at me curiously.

“I… don’t know.”

❄

15th December

There are a lot of things I don’t understand about humans.

Things such as love.

Things such as math.

Things such as the human mind.

It’s been five days since I’ve met Master but I’ve been constantly hitting dead ends with him.

I don’t know what he’s thinking. I don’t know what he wants. I don’t know what to do to make him smile again.

The girl called Park Hana surely has some ability of lifting Master’s spirits up but for some reason, he is distancing himself from her.

I don’t know why, and I don’t think I ever will.

A human’s way of caring, loving and thinking is really complicated. So is maths.

I don’t understand it. I don’t think I ever will.

Things such as love.

Things such as math.

Humans just like Master.