Love.

“Hey, get me a glass of milk.”

“I deeply apologize, that wish is not within my ability to grant.”

Making a face, I threw my pencil at Sull-Hee and watched it as it passed right through her, landing on the ground and rolling awkwardly across the floor.

“It’s been a month. You’ve been free-loading at my house for a month,” I sighed, pointing a finger at her.

She pouted and floated around me, immediately wrapping me in a coat of sheer cold. “But I don’t take up much space. I don’t eat, I don’t drink, I don’t sleep –“

“That’s the creepy part about it!” I cut in. “And all you’ve been giving me are cold as hell nights and the need for thicker blankets.” I frowned. “Which I don’t have enough of.”

“I have been here for quite a while, haven’t I?” Sull-Hee murmured, settling down on my bed. “A month passed by so quickly.”

“Yeah it did.’ I got out of my seat and crossed my arms, arching a brow at her. “So how long are you planning on staying here?”

Sull-Hee looked up and flashed me a grin. “As long as I have to!”

I let out a sigh of defeat. “Do whatever you want. Just stop making it colder than it already is…”

I settled back down into my chair after retrieving the only pencil I had left and I buried myself back into the math exercises from before. It occupied my mind into solving problems instead of thinking about the thousands of trivial things that would usually cross my mind.

It made me momentarily forget.

It made me forget about my dad, my mum, my brother, my -of-a-friend Taemin, the judgmental teachers at school, the classmates I didn’t really give a crap about, the way Hana’s mum smiles at me every morning, Park Hana…

“Math.”

I turned and looked at her. “What?”

“You’re like math, Master.” Sull-Hee said, in her usual place, peeking over my shoulder and pointing at the textbook. “Complicated and hard to understand. It’s all numbers to me.”

Scoffing at her comparison, I closed the textbook and turned off the table light, making my way over to the bed. “All numbers have a value depending on where they are placed, giving them a meaning to their existence. They are there to make an equation work.”

I fell back onto the bed and made myself comfortable, pulling the covers right over as Sull-Hee floated closer, bringing the air of coldness with her.

“My existence has no meaning,” I sighed. “Because I hold no value in this place.”

“Isn’t that really sad?” she asked, sitting with her legs crossed at the foot of the bed.

The moonlight bathed through the open window, making Sull-Hee look as though she was glowing white. Her blue eyes shone brighter than before as she looked at me with her eyebrows pinched.

“I guess.”

“Well this is what I’m here for.” She smiled. “Goodnight, Master.”

I let out a final sigh and closed my eyes, feeling my mind a little more at peace.

“Goodnight, Sull-Hee.”

❄

Night passed by in a matter of seconds and before I knew it, light had enveloped the city once again, making my six hours worth of sleep seem like nothing. It was another morning, another day and another twenty-four hours to get through.

Digging my hands into my pocket, I made my way down the street, walking down the path that I’ve been trying to remember and familiarize myself with for the past month. That way, I wouldn’t have to feel that unbearable feeling of sadness and guilt pulling me down so hard every time I saw Hana’s mum in the morning. I wouldn’t have to feel like I was betraying that smile, that kind smile that never even appeared once in my own home.

Snow from last night completely covered the rooftops of the houses along the sidewalk. The cold air nibbled at my bare face as I continued to walk down the street towards school.

I soon reached the front gate and made my way through, passed countless students scurrying to class who were keen to make it in before the bell. I immediately recognized Hana’s back in the distance.

Her long black hair flew freely in the wind behind her as she walked. She’s been growing her hair out for a while now; the ends were already past her waist. Her posture always amazed me, ever since we were young.

She walked with a straight back and her head held up high, always looking forward and never back. Ever since we were young, she’s always been like that. That’s what I envied about her.

“Do you love her?”

I paused and looked up at her. “Love?”

Sull-Hee nodded. “Love.” She repeated after me. “Do you love Park Hana?”

“Do you even know what love is, you retarded snowflake?” I asked, peering at her.

She cocked her head, looking up towards the sky as she looked for an answer in her head. “It’s when a human feels a tender affection for another human.” Sull-Hee turned back to me. “So, do you love her?”

I made a face. “Why are you asking me this?”

“Because she may be the only one who can make you happy.”

I scoffed. “Isn’t that your job?”

“It is, but finding people like her around you is also my job.” Sull-Hee replied. “She can make you happy.”

I turned back to Hana, who was slowly getting further and further away with each step she took.

“But I can’t do the same for her.”

❄

“Kim Jongin, please follow me to my office.”

Biting back a groan from being called this early in the morning, I quietly heaved a sigh and complied, following after the teacher with a dozen pair of eyes trailing after me. Hating the way their stares burned the back of my head, I turned around and shot the entire class a glare, making them all turn away awkwardly.

As we walked down the hallway, the teacher stopped by another classroom on the way and I waited outside for him, debating whether I should just run away and wag school altogether.

“Jongin.”

I flinched.

“Jongin, I –“

“What do you want?” I cut in, refusing to look at her.

She lifted a hand and violently turned my head to face her. “Look at me when I’m talking to you,” she said, frowning. “I have something I need to tell you.”

I quickly slapped her hand away. “I’m busy right now.”

“Jongin –“

“Miss Park, do you need something?” Kang seonsaengnim came out from the classroom and closed the door behind him.

“I’d like to talk to Jongin for a minute.”

“I’m sorry but Mr Kim has some matters he has to tend to with me.”

“But –“

“Maybe next time, Miss Park.” He turned over to me. “Come on now.”

With that, the two of us left, leaving Hana back in the hallway.

“I’d like you to explain these scores to me.”

He threw the pile of papers in front of me as soon as we arrived in his office and I looked down at them nonchalantly. After skimming through the pool of red marks on the pages, I looked back up at him.

“What about them?”

Kang seonsaengnim towered above me with his arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed. “You really don’t see it?”

Kang was the only teacher that I’ve had throughout the first year of high school until now. Unlike most teachers, he’s the type that would stick around a lot longer than you’d expect for the so-called ‘troubled teens’.

I glanced at the awfully bright red marks on each sheet of paper. I shrugged.

He let out a sigh and slumped into the chair in front of me. “Jongin, this is not the first time I’ve had to talk to you about your marks. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” I replied.

“Then what are with these marks, Jongin?” He asked, holding up my tests from last term.

I shrugged again.

He let out another sigh, a more frustrated one this time and rubbed his temples. “You weren’t always like this.” I looked at me in the eye. “Is everything okay at home?”

“Is that any of your business?”

Kang looked back at me for a bit then placed the papers down in a neat pile. “It’s a teacher’s duty to ensure their students are always doing their best.” He glanced at me again. “So if there is anything going on, you can always talk to me, Jongin.”

I held back a scoff.

Like he would understand.

Like any of them would understand.

❄

“To the library?” asked Sull-Hee as she floated beside me.

I nodded. “I’m forced to go over my failed tests again.”

“Are you going to do it?”

I scoffed. “No.”

“Jongin.”

I stopped in my tracks and sighed, turning around to face her again. “What, are you stalking me today or something?”

“Don’t give me attitude,” she sharply said. “I just need to talk to you.”

“Well I don’t,” I replied, turning away from her.

She grabbed my arm and pulled me back. “It’s really important, Jongin.”

“Didn’t I tell you not to call me that?” I flung at her, breaking off her grip. “Not right now. I’m really busy.”

Hana stood there for a couple seconds and looked at me then scoffed and turned away. “You know what, you.” She said and walked off.

“What’s with her…” I muttered under my breath and continued my way to the library, convincing myself I shouldn’t bother myself thinking about Hana’s hard to understand personality anymore.

Once I got there, I reclaimed my usual spot in the back of the library on an empty table next to the window and rested my head on the cold surface of the wood.

“Hey Sull-Hee, want to hear a riddle?” I asked the empty space in front of me. Sull-Hee immediately appeared and wrapped me in a invisible blanket of cold.

She cocked her head curiously. “What?”

“What makes life 100 percent?”

She thought for a while but couldn’t come up with an answer. “Adventure? Hard work? Money?” Her eyebrows pinched. “Love?”

I laughed half-heartedly. “It’s attitude.” I answered. “The saying goes that your attitude towards your life and work is what makes life 100 percent.”

“But why –“

“Why attitude? Just replace the entire alphabet with numbers from 1 to 26, a being 1, b being 2, c being 3 and so on…” I explained to her. “Now, use this formula and substitute all the letters in the word ‘attitude’ with their respective numbers.”

Sull-Hee thought for a moment. “1, 20, 20, 9, 20, 21, 4 and 5.”

“Then add them all up.”

“…One hundred.”

“There’s your answer.” I scoffed. “Bull, right?”

A brief memory of my childhood flashed through my head. A memory of how I worked so hard back then to just be seen by none other than my own dad. I woke up early and studied until late at night. I worked and worked and worked, but he never noticed.

He never noticed a thing.

Silence took over the next few moments.

“I’m sure there’s another answer.” Sull-Hee finally said.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“I think so,” Sull-Hee argued. “There’s bound to be an answer that even you agree with, Master.”

❄

And like that, another day passed in the blink of an eye and before I knew it, it was already dark and I was on my way out for a midnight run with Sull-Hee who I unwillingly let tag along.

I did my rounds in the cold and by the time I returned from the last lap, I unknowingly took the old route home, meaning that I passed Hana’s house on the way.

Just as I passed her house, Hana came out from inside and we both stopped.

“…Midnight run?”

“Yeah.”

“Jongin –“

“I was just on my way home.” I quickly said and prepared to run again.

“Jongin, please.” She let out a sigh, stepping out and closing the door behind her.

“Please. Just hear me out.”

I stopped again and faced her. “…Alright.” I sighed. “What do you want to say?”

I watched her as she walked towards me with her arms wrapped around herself from the cold. She stopped as soon as we were face to face, barely a hand width apart.

She seemed to be looking at me for a very long time, as if she had something she wanted to say. Her eyes were screaming out something to me as well, but I just didn’t know what.

Before I could open my mouth and protest about why she made us both stand out in the cold like this without saying anything, Hana grabbed my hands and gripped onto them tightly.

“Jongin…” she whispered, her voice almost sounding a bit sad in some way.

Silence enveloped the next few moments as we continued to stand in front of her house, slightly trembling as the snow fell and as her warm hands clasped onto mine.

“I’m here, Jongin.” She finally said. “Please, don’t forget that.” She closed her eyes, slightly furrowing her brow as if she was contemplating on something, her voice coming off an almost silent whisper.

“…I’ll always be here.”

For some reason, I felt a little guilty towards Hana. I guess my feelings for her were there somewhere but I just didn’t have the time to think about those things.

But then again, this is also for her own good, right?

I didn’t need these feelings right now and she… didn’t really need someone like me either.

The ring dangling around her neck caught my eye once again and ahjusshi’s flashed through my mind, his voice repeating itself over and over in my head, doubling and tripling my guilt by the second.

“I just… don’t want to lose you.” Hana continued. “I don’t want to lose you like how I lost dad.”

“Come here, brat.”

“Are you bullying Hana again?”

“You’ve still got a lot to learn, kid.”

“Jongin!”

I couldn’t stop his voice from echoing in my head.

I’m sorry.

Giving her a final look that was almost apologetic, I managed a brief smile and gently took her hand off of mine.

“Thank you.” I began walking away but then turned around once again, for the last time, my voice barely a whisper.

“And… and I’m sorry.”

❄

“Are you really doing this for her?” Sull-Hee asked me as we trailed back home through the snow. “Or are you just ignoring her because of your own problems now?”

I breathed out, making a little misty cloud float up and fade out into the air. “I really don’t have time to think about those things right now.”

“Is your life really that hard?”

I let out a scoff. “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

“You are too hard to understand,” I heard her grumble. “You’re too complicated.”

I turned to her. “Humans are complicated like that, Sull-Hee. I thought you’d figure that out by now.”

“But there has to be an answer to every equation.”

I thought for a bit than managed a smile. “But you must be something in order to equal to something.”

She stared back at me for a moment then looked at me in the eyes. “Then maybe you just aren’t that complicated equation I always made you out to be. Maybe you’re just a blank piece of paper.”

I arched a brow.

“A blank, crumpled piece of paper that’s just trying to straighten yourself out again.”

❄

14th January

What I’ve learnt about Master is that he is a very lonely person.

He pushes away a lot of people and traps himself in his own thoughts.

There are many people who surround Master each day but I can see the ones who are worth having around.

People such as Park Hana and the teacher Kang and Park Hana’s mum…

They all look out for Master and obviously care for him right?

I just hope that Master would be able to see these people’s love for him.

If this isn’t love, what is it?