Humans do.

“Jongin… I’m so sorry. S-She told me not to tell you. I’m so, so sorry…”

I sat down on the swing in the playground, ahjumma’s image continuously weeping in my head.

It’s been a month since I found out.

After that day, I had come down to the playground every day, so often that I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been here. Shoving a hand in my pocket, I pulled out a crumpled envelope and opened it. I took out the many pages that were inside and unfolded it, going over the messy handwriting for the hundredth time.

The letter was from Hana.

“I found this in her hospital room.” Ahjumma handed me the thick envelope with a trembling hand. “It’s for you, Jongin.”

I took a deep sigh and stopped my hands from shaking while holding the pieces of paper.

Hey. It’s me.

My heart squeezed.

They told me I had a month.

I didn’t believe them. I heard them you know, telling my mum to prepare herself for the worst. She wouldn’t stop crying that night. That’s when I decided that I wouldn’t give up. I wasn’t going to let them win. I wasn’t going to let any of them win.

I’m going to keep on living and show them, Jongin. Like I always did in the past.

Things were much better back then weren’t they?

I really wish we could go back sometimes. Back to when we were still kids. Everything was just so simple back then.

I felt my grip on the paper tighten. Those were the exact things I wanted as well. I just wanted everything to go back to the way they were, like when we were kids. When ahjusshi was still alive. When my family wasn’t stuffed up as it is now.

When everything was alright.

I went down the page a bit, looking pass the numerous scribbles and smudged sentences on the scrap piece of paper until I reached the next readable sentence.

You’re a complete jerk, Jongin.

She’d always go ahead and change subjects like that.

You don’t know how long I’ve held myself back from pulling a punch on you.

Who do you think you are? Acting like a little ing rebel and . You think you’re all that? Why are you being all top now? You piss me off in so many ways.

...But I can’t bring myself to hate you.

Even though you’re the dickhead who refused to talk to me for a month, I still couldn’t bring myself to hate you.

It’s because you saved me Jongin.

I could feel a familiar sting well up in my eyes, desperately trying to break free. You were the one who saved me. I swallowed down the growing lump in my throat and continued reading.

Dad left this world too early. Too early for me to be able to accept. If it wasn’t for you… If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have been able to be around for this long. I guess, I’ve always been the one who needed you. I was trying so hard to hold onto what we had left, Jongin. I know you were trying to be stronger in order to not crumble from everything. I knew, Jongin. That’s why there was ‘Kai’, right? That’s why you tried to avoid me, right? But you know what else I also knew?

You were never ‘Kai’. To me, you were always ‘Jongin’.

That was why I tried so hard to just show that to you.

You were always Kim Jongin.

The same cocky guy I loved.

Silent tears dropped onto the already worn out letter, overlapping with what seemed like her tear stains.

You have to show me. You have to show me that you are still the same person who I fell in love with. You have to show me that Kim Jongin will do everything he can to be able to beat his father’s expectations of him, make his mother look his way and make his brother proud for having him as a brother. You have to show me, Jongin.

Stop purposely failing on your tests. Stop wagging school. Stop running out in the middle of the night because of your fights. Stop trying to be Kai.

You’re so much more than that.

I know it’ll be hard but try your best, Jongin. You may think you’re alone now, but you’re not.

There’ll be people who will come into your life and change it. That’s when you’ll be able to live this life to the fullest.

I really wished I was the one who could’ve done that but sadly, I wasn’t given enough time.

I hope these people will one day help you, Jongin. I hope they’ll show you what life really is.

I’m sorry I never said any of this in person.

It was hard to get a hold of you for the past month.

I know, you’re probably really angry at me too, for not telling you about my sickness. Sorry. There was too much happening to you, I didn’t want to make you more troubled than you already were.

Don’t be too caught up on the past, Jongin. Just look forward to the future. You’ve got so much ahead of you and things that are just waiting to happen.

Just take your time and live a long and happy life.

I’m here, Jongin. Please don’t forget that.

I’ll always be here.

And I won’t stop fighting.

My hands couldn’t stop shaking. That letter broke me apart every time I read it. All I could hear was her voice repeating in my head, her rare smiling face as a kid and the desperate way she held my hand on that one night when she said she’ll ‘always be here’.

“Y-You’re a ing l-liar, Park Hana…” I gripped her ring that came with the letter tightly in my hand. “Y-You’re a liar…”

“Why…”

I slowly looked up and met her bright blue eyes.

“Why do you act this way?” Sull-Hee asked, cocking her head. “Why do you continue to remember these things that make you sad over and over again? Haven’t you had enough? Why must you keep going over it if it hurts you so much?”

I wiped my eyes with the end of my sleeve. “I’ve told you countless of times. You just don’t understand.”

“I’ve tried to understand, Master,” she replied. “But things such as feelings are something I just can’t understand no matter how hard I try. Feelings such as love and –“ she paused, giving me a blank look in return.

I didn’t know what was going through her head but she took a moment to think.

I made sure my eyes were dry before standing up and looking down at the ring in my hand. The ring that had her name clearly engraved in it. I closed my fist and clenched it in the palm of my hand.

Just the mere thought of it was terrifying.

This was the only thing left of Hana.

“…Stop holding onto it if the only thing it does is hurt you.” Sull-Hee finally said, breaking out of her little trance.

“You… You don’t understand!” I burst out, unable to hold it in any longer. “You ask me why I do this? Why? It’s because I’m human!”

“Then surely wouldn’t humans know when to stop doing something that will continue to hurt them like this?”

I clenched my fist so hard it turned white, the tears threatening to drop again. I swallowed it back. How long am I going to be like this?

“…It’s because the ‘hurt’ is the only thing that won’t make me forget her. The hurt is a constant reminder of how stupid I was to let everything go. The hurt is the only thing…” I let out a long sigh. “It’s the only thing that reminds me that she’s still here.” I said, knocking at my chest.

Sull-Hee stared back at me, with nothing else to say.

“If I asked you to bring her back, would you?” I absentmindedly asked.

She didn’t reply straight away. She just sort of looked at me while contemplating about something. “I deeply apologize… that wish is not within my ability to grant…”

“Then leave,”

Her blue eyes widened. “Pardon..?”

“You said you were here to make me happy, right?” Our meeting vaguely flashed through my head.

She nodded.

“There’s no need for that now.” I looked down back at the letter, back at the ring. “…She’s gone. She’s gone forever, Sull-Hee.”

“…Why do you make such absurd wishes, master?”

“Because I’m a human,” I replied. “And humans just do.”

I turned and began walking out of the playground. There wasn’t much I could do left. Was I going to be like this forever? Will I keep chasing her, who isn’t even here, forever?

I scoffed. I was the stupid one for thinking a wish like that could’ve actually been granted. Wishes are, after all, only a strong desire or hope for something that cannot and usually will not happen.

Humans can’t bet on wishes. They only depend on it to expect something near impossible to happen.

“Master…”

“Go Sull-Hee,” I sighed. “Winter’s almost over anyway, isn’t it?”

I reached out a hand and watched the last few flakes of winter fall to my hand. As soon as it came in contact with the warmth, it turned into little drops of water on my palm. All snowflakes eventually melt away.

I walked a couple more steps before I stopped and turned around. Sull-Hee was still standing there, watching me as I left.

“You should do something worthwhile before your time ends, stupid snowflake.” I called out to her. “Don’t bother yourself with me anymore.”

I began walking off again when suddenly, I heard the screeching of tyres come my way.

It all happened too soon for me to take in.

Before I knew it, I had flown a couple metres down the road, my body being thrown aside like a rag doll down the street with the ground scraping every part of my body it could. The smell of burnt rubber filled the air.

All I could hear was Sull-Hee repeating ‘master’ over and over again. I felt something drip down the side of my head. Sull-Hee looked like she didn’t know what to do. She just sat there as people gathered around me, their voices nothing but muffles noises in my head.

I was starting to drift off.

My brain was pounding, as if there was someone beating the living out of some drums in my head.

I closed my eyes and heard the noises get louder. Someone was shaking me. I saw that car coming but for some reason, my legs just didn’t want to move. Maybe it was because I could be with her now. I could meet Hana again. Everything would be okay now.

Somewhere within all of this, I felt some sort of emptiness. Faces flashed through my head. Voices echoed in my mind.

Did I really want this?

Before I could think of anything else, I felt my consciousness leave me as the snow continued to fall, landing on my face ever so softly just like small, silent teardrops.

❄

9th March

For the past three months, I’ve learnt a lot of things. I still find many things strange and incomprehensible but humans still confuse me the most.

But I think during the time spent with master, I’ve come to understand them a little better.

I’ve realized that humans do a lot of things for each other.

I did this because I love you… I did this because I was trying to protect you…  I did this because I want you to be proud of me…

I guess, in this context, I would say ‘that’s why I saved him’. I did it because it would give him another chance.

Another chance at trying to be happy.