Note (09.06.2014): I have edited Chapter 6 to explain more on why Jessica was so upset with Louis. 

** 2002 (continued) **

Louis slammed his palms on his steering wheel and grabbed it so tightly until his knuckles were white. “Who is she to judge me? Who is she to rule that I don’t care about my family?” He shouted repeatedly in his car.

When he calmed down sufficiently, he started driving. He thought he was driving home but he ended up at his office building car park. He had already parked his car into his usual parking lot when he finally realised where he was. “Why am I here?” he thought to himself. “Was she right that I care about my work more than my family?” He shook his head to shake off his last thought and replaced it stubbornly with a “What does she know!”

Just as he was about to drive out his car and make his way home, the image of Jessica with her pair of eyes filled with disappointment was staring at him in his mind eye. He stopped his car abruptly and shook his head rigorously to remove that image. He felt his cheeks heating up. A sudden realisation came upon him. Her gaze of disappointment had made feel him that he was a lesser man. He had always wanted to be someone she could be proud of. “She deserves to be with the best man, and I shall be the best person for her.” This was what he used to push himself in the past.

If he was honest enough with himself at this moment, he would have also realised that he was not as angry with Jessica as he was with himself. The very instant in the hotel room when he recognised her disappointment was due to him, he had begun to despise himself. However, he was too proud then to admit his inadequacies before her so he turned that feeling into anger and tried to accuse her for being a busybody instead.

His drive home was a slow and thoughts-filled one. “Have I changed so much in the last one year?” He began to question himself.

Perhaps he had not changed that much, he may have just taken the easy way out. Unlike his previous workplace where he was considered a top dog, he was now dealing with colleagues of very high calibre and drive. Many of them had graduated from the Ivy League colleges and had started out in the top legal firms. There seemed to be an invisible scoreboard hanging somewhere where everyone was keeping score of how many cases were won and how much compensation and alimony they had managed to win for their clients. Most of his associates were unmarried or didn’t have children. Their devotion and commitment to their work was something that he had to prove that he was on par with.

Just as Lydia was trying hard to accustom herself when they first moved to New York, he was also pushing himself to adjust to the new work culture. With Lydia being a homemaker and him being the sole-breadwinner, he was stressed out by the high cost of living of this new city. During the first few months, his pay-cheques were not sufficient to offset the stacks of bills in his hands. A rising fear grew in him as he stared helplessly at his depleting bank balance. He was resolved to make it to the top of his career so that he could provide for Daniel and Lydia.

As much as he had wanted to be the man that his family could depend on, Lydia had also learnt to cope on her own during their initial period in New York. As Louis hardly had time for her, she had learnt without much choice to run the household on her own and made many decisions by herself. Despite her increasing independence, Lydia did not really like her new life. Having grown up closely with two sisters, she had lived her life in consultation and companionship.

When he finally reached his apartment, he took a deep breath before opening the main door. Although he was too proud and stubborn to admit that Jessica was right, he recognised that he should spend more time with Lydia and Daniel.

As he opened Daniel’s room door and gazed at the sleeping child, a sense of regret came upon him. Many nights he had not came to see his son and when he did he could only view how long his son had grown and not how tall he was. Looking at the drawings pasted on the room walls, he finally saw how much Daniel had developed without him realising it. As a consolation to himself, he could see that Daniel had included him in those pictures depicting their family even though his character was always standing further away. He felt a sudden sense of gratefulness towards Lydia. He knew that Lydia must have encouraged and reminded Daniel of his love and existence.

When he returned to his bedroom, he rested his eyes upon Lydia the woman he had vowed at the altar to love and not hurt. He was confused by the many thoughts and feelings that he was having but he finally whispered soundlessly to her, “I’m sorry.” That night he made love to her after many moons.

*

In the days and weeks to come, Louis tried to spend more time at home. He tried to come home at least once a week to have dinner with his family. He also made it a point to take Daniel to the park on Sunday mornings before he submerged into his work again. However, the new regime was not there to stay. He began to skip the weekly dinner once, then again and again. He reduced the time he spent with Daniel in the park, followed by playing with him at home instead of going to the park, to just having breakfast with Daniel on Sunday mornings.

Fortunately, Christmas soon arrived and Louis had a bonding vacation with his family within the New York City. What could be more amusing than to watch your dad slipped and landed on his bum repeatedly in the ice skating rink? Wouldn’t it be great to tower over everyone else by sitting on your dad’s shoulders during the New Year countdown? And, wasn’t it every child’s dream to visit the largest toy store to choose and receive his Christmas present? Louis did all of these with Daniel that year.

Sadly, the snowball of work landed on Louis’ desk after the holidays. Once again, he burrowed through the tons of work. It started off as an attempt to clear the outstanding work but soon he was captured by the pure adrenaline rush and the satisfaction that he derived from his job. While he enjoyed being with Daniel, he revelled in his work achievements.

Lydia viewed the changes in Louis and was heartened to see the father and son bonding. However, she was also the one who had to soothe the child’s heart whenever Louis disappointed him. The see-saw effect of Louis’ actions was worse than the neglect that she used to experience. She wished at times to go back to the all-time low so that she and Daniel would not feel the pain from being let down after a high.

The wedge between Louis and Lydia was widening each day without either of them being too conscious of it. They had been living rather independent lives under the same roof with Daniel being their sole connector. The whistle finally blew when Louis returned home one day during lunch time to retrieve his forgotten gastric pills. Lydia realised that she didn’t know that Louis had developed gastric pains and neither had she told him that she had been taking iron pills on the doctor’s prescription.

After a fortnight of serious consideration, Lydia finally brought her intention for separation to Louis. She waited for him that night. He received the news with calmness that he didn’t imagine himself to have and yet it was something she had already expected. She had come to accept that Louis could deal with facts more than with emotions. So, she laid her cards with facts. They no longer knew what each other were doing. They could live without each other. His work in New York gave him the challenge and growth. Yet, she preferred the pace of their old hometown and the nearness to her family. He loved Daniel but he could only give Daniel his undivided attention when he was not working. She promised him that Daniel could spend time with him for all his vacations. There was no blame in any of her words to him.

Whenever Louis thought about that night, he always wondered why he did not argue back. He had evaluated Lydia’s statements and he could not rebuke them for their truth. Was it guilt? He could not tell for certain at that moment but he knew that he had to let Lydia go because she had not asked him of anything before.

If he had any regret, it would be how much he had missed Daniel’s growing up. In the years to come, he would eventually understand that he had always loved Lydia as the mother of his son but not as his wife. Their time as a courting couple was short and once their wedding and honeymoon were over, Daniel had taken the centre stage of their lives. Their conversations and planning had revolved around Daniel.

(09.06.2014)