Sleeping early means waking up early. I'm not a morning person but I slept in too early and I can't override sleep. Also, this morning, my brother had his stereo system in full blast again. And guess what? He's into girl groups now. If death metal made me want to kill myself, Girls' Day made me want to kill my brother. I don't despise girl groups, but ultra super fluffy dumb at dawn just ticks me off.

 

“Can't you play those indie songs again, please,” I was literally talking to the wall. I was talking to a wall. The wall that separates our room. Yes, I was talking to it.

 

---

 

Breakfast was self-made. I didn't want to eat toast and scrambled eggs. Why can't home have normal Korean breakfast sometimes? It's a Korean household for Pete's sake. No history of foreign blood at all but breakfast is Western all the way. So I made kimchi fried rice. Too heavy for breakfast? Then, I'll call it brunch.

 

After that, I went to the garden. A small green area my dad had asked the maid to take care of. I must say, she did a very good job. The flowers were of different, pretty colours and the grass, never long. Nothing's blooming of course. It's not spring yet. I would love to think about spring but I won't last that long; I'm not planning to.

 

I saw the puppies running around after my mom had let it out. They looked so cute and adorable. How come I never realised it before? I remembered Kai said he wanted to see them. So I took a photo while they were fairly still, curious with the odd dried moss patch. Their paws lightly scraping it. Mom's going to throw a fit when she finds out her puppies are dirty.

 

After a while, I decided to go out for a walk around the neighbourhood. I wanted to find Kai, a sudden want to find Kai. He would most probably be at the bakery cafe. Maybe I should go to his house or call him up...I don't even know where he lives and his phone number. Does he even have a house?

 

I was shocked to find Kai already waiting outside my house. Shocked enough to actually went back in the house when I saw him. I cracked up when I opened the door again.

 

“Sorry. I'm just surprised you're here,” I said between the haha-s and hehe-s. I could see that he was also amused with my weird antics. He was crouching and laughing and his face was starting to get red.

 

“Are you stalking me?” I asked after we went back to our senses and on our way to the city centre.

 

“No. Not really,” a smirk and suddenly, I felt my blood rushing. Am I blushing?! I quickly looked away before he realised it.

 

“I wanted to ask if you out for a walk. Saturdays can get really lonely.”

 

“Why didn't you ring the bell?” I asked. There's a purpose for the bell to be at the entrance.

 

“I guess...I didn't dare to,” he shrugged.

 

---

 

We found our way to the amusement park and Kai insisted he'd pay for our tickets. It felt onerous so I argued that I should pay for myself. A bicker which lasted a few minutes in front of the ticket counter, almost got us kicked out.

 

“I pay for the tickets, you pay for whatever snacks on the way,” Kai quickly voiced out a solution to which I happily accept. It was a bit weird to go to rides with someone that I barely know but that didn't stop us from having so much fun. I haven't been to an amusement park since I was nine. So the change from kiddy rides to roller coasters and what not, was a bit drastic considering I went all out. Kai didn't say anything either but I bet he had had his fair share of roller coaster rides.

 

---

 

“That was the best time of my life!” I cheered when we went out from the park. We had spent five hours of the afternoon there; no regrets.

 

“I know right! And the giant drop, you should have seen your face,” Kai burst into laughter. Well he should see his face right now; laughing so hard his eyes were tightly shut and deep creases forming around his eyes and...I can't do this. He still looks good laughing like a lunatic.

 

“At least you've been here a few times. I bet those rides are nothing,” I changed the subject.

 

“Actually, that was the first time I've been to so many rides. The last time I went here, she didn't want to ruin her hair and we only went for the merry-go-round, the Ferris wheel and that useless tunnel of love. It smells like pond water in there. But the five hours with you was awesome! Ughh, I still have the adrenaline in me,” he kept jumping around, trying to work out the hormones. She? Junhee? She's a party pooper.

 

“It's getting late,” I looked up the sky and the yellowish colour illuminated by the Sun was starting to turn orangish. The Sun was setting.

 

“I know. Do you want to go to Hongdae?” he must have planned all this. It would be impossible to come up with 'Hongdae' after an insanely five hours of rides. But heck with it. It's not like I have other days to go to Hongdae. Subway tickets, hints of adrenaline still lingering, laughing faces and money to be spent on drinks to heat up our bodies when the Sun hides.

 

Perhaps it was the wind. Perhaps it was the lost of heat. It was getting cold and I blamed Kai for not warning me about it. He's lucky to have a jacket on him right now while I'm just protected by a long sleeved tee. I would exchange my soul for anything that could warm me up. After a while, I realised he was gone. I panicked and I was in pursuit for this Kim Jongin. How dare he left me out in the cold?

 

I screamed when someone grabbed me by the arm. Does Hongdae have rapists? Robbers? Sales people walking around, forcing to buy ?

 

“Calm down. It's just me,” I hit Kai's arm repeatedly for scaring me. I wasn't hitting hard but he exaggerated and groaned in pain.

 

“Where did you go?”

 

“To get you this,” he held up a scarf before putting in around my neck.

 

“I don't want you to get sick because of me,” he patted my head again before resting his hand on top my my head. I mouthed a 'thank you' and he replied with a smile. He really has a beautiful smile and I could stare at him perpetually, to which I hope he wouldn't mind. A sudden outburst of music changed my mind about that intention. I searched for the origin of the noise and my eyes landed on an indie band that was performing at a corner of the street.

 

“I'll be back. 10 minutes or less,” I carelessly told Kai before walking to the mixture of independent melody. For sure, I was gaping when I saw an indie band for the first time in my life. I sound like I've never been out of the house since I was born. Yeah, you can say that.

 

I got immersed into their performance and sang along to the words and a few minutes later, I was standing on the stage singing harmonies to the lead vocals. I always had the jitters and the butterflies whenever I face a crowd, but not today. I was really having the time of my life doing this. Indie bands had always been my utmost interest and having a chance to be a part of one was legendary.

 

After the short moment of being in the limelight, well just partially, I went back to the spot where I last saw Kai. He wasn't there. I forced my inner sick self to not panic and to find him. He shouldn't be far, I told him to wait. I found him leaning against the pillar of a shop. Sighed. Hunched shoulders and eyes fixed to the ground. I walked towards him. Legs kicking at imaginary pebbles. Just an arm away. A cigarette in between his fingers. My eyes widened.

 

“Why are you smoking? Are you trying to kill yourself?! Lung cancer, Kai. Lung cancer!” I yelled.

 

“Look who's talking,” he replied. He knew I was trying to kill myself is it? My heartbeat accelerated and I wanted to hide six feet underground.

 

“What?”

 

“Kidding~ You wouldn't possibly want to kill yourself,” wrong Kai. You are terribly wrong.

 

“I'm just holding it for a guy. He couldn't pee with a cig in his mouth,” Kai explained. After that, he stared at the cigarette, as if he wanted to take it in and let the smoke fill his insides. I don't know why I did it but I smacked his hand and the cigarette fell to the ground, a lifeless roll due to gravity before finally drowning into the small puddle of water on the ground.

 

“Why did you do that? Sehun's going to kill me. . I have to find another cigarette,” Kai looked dreaded as he left hastily. He abruptly stopped walking and turned to face me. I thought he would say something but no he didn't. He grabbed my wrist and seconds later we were braving the cold wind, running towards nowhere planned. We stopped at a park.

 

“What the hell Kai?!” I was furious. I mean, he didn't explained anything to me and we actually ran in this freezing condition. Pneumonia's a risk here. The merry smile on his face faded when he saw me frowning.

 

“Sorry. I don't want to die.”

 

“Who is Sehun?” he warmed his hands with his breath before sitting on a nearby bench. He patted the empty space beside him, inviting me to rest my legs. I went over and sat.

 

“Remember when I told you about me skipping school? Sehun gave me the idea. He's the leader of a sick gang. Not the kind which the members kill people, but they're killing themselves. Cigs, Molly, booze. It's a daily intake for them. The partially drunkards, smell of cigarette smoke, flashing neon lights and Hongdae itself. Sad memories almost killed me Hyerin. And...I was not holding his cig but mine.”

 

“What?!” I shouted. Oh no. I had officially become a useless help. Kyungsoo just lost his ray of hope in me.

 

“Calm down. I didn't take it. Sehun lighted it up and gave me. He said he wanted to meet an old friend, that is the old me. He wanted to see me smoke once he's done taking number one. If not, I should run away before he drowns me with beer. Why did you shouted back when I joked about you killing yourself?” the question was asked after a deliberate time of awkward silence. I took a very, very deep breath before answering.

 

“I thought you knew...that I did try to kill myself, all this time. I thought you knew. And you only talked to me so that you can make fun of how I was with you to Junhee after I die. Kai, I'm not really the person you think I am. I am not happy, or friendly and I am nowhere close to any of those words. I'm bullied, my mother ignores my feelings, my brother annoys the hell out of me and I take pills to stop myself from feeling lonely. I am not a good soul Kai. I'm a chicken for not ending my feeble life when I had the chance. I can't believe I gave myself seven days to find something so I can stop thinking about death. And right now, I am still out of reason. Pitiful. That's what I am.”

 

“So, what day is it today?” I didn't expect for him to actually listen but he did, and he was curious too. I answered a simple 'five'.

 

“Do you know why you should live?” Kai tried to enlighten the mood perhaps. He should know I'm not really interested to know why. But he kept talking.

 

“There's tons of reason, Son Hyerin. Spring for example. Blooming flowers are to live for. And fried chicken. Fried chicken with pepper mustard. And to travel the world. Go Venice or Hawaii or Brazil. You need to live to see adorable puppies. You need to live to celebrate Christmas. It's my favourite holiday, it should be yours too. And you need to hear Kyungsoo hyung sing. That should give you more life than you already have. I want you to see me dance. You need to live to see me dance, don't you?” his list of reasons to live was shared with me without hesitancy. My vision started to get blurry. I didn't know what was happening until I blinked and tears rolled down my cheeks without fail. I tried to stop but more kept coming and soon I was bawling mutely. Kai practically raised his voice asking if I was okay.

 

“I can't find anything in my heart to live Kai. No matter how many reasons you tell me. Is it broken? My heart? Kai...,” I almost choked on my tears.

 

“No. No, it's not broken. Please. Please, stop crying,” Kai held up my face and wiped my tears away with the ends of his sleeves. He looked at me straight in the eyes, what was he searching for?

 

“It's getting late. Let's go back home,” he stood up and waited for me.

 

“Do you...want to come with me to church tomorrow?”

 

“I'm an atheist.”

 

“Can you just come with me? I want to bring you somewhere afterwards.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Wear decent clothes.”

 

“Okay,” I smiled at his reminder.

 

---

 

“I'll come at 7. I'll for you wait at the bakery,” Kai told me when we reached the entrance of my house. I nodded.

 

“Oh wait. I almost forgot,” I took out my phone, browsed the gallery and showed his a photo.

 

“You said you wanted to see them,” it was a photo of the puppies I took this morning. Kai looked particularly happy for the day when he saw it. He was smiling ear to ear. After a short string of compliments for the fauna, he bade his goodbyes and left.

 

---

 

My parents weren't at home that night. Not yet that is. Maybe they were out for some company dinner or party. And my brother...he should be back right before dawn. I won't be curious at what he was at. I went to my room, wash up and got myself ready for the page of my life.

 

 

 

The amusement park. Teddy bears and cotton candy. Oh gosh, the amount of money I spent on snacks. It was an actual fun Saturday. It was nice to have spent it with someone. I felt as if Kai was my close friend for years. The only friend I could trust. I can't believe I was touched to tears at how hard Kai was trying to help me. I can't believe he tried to help me. But thoughts of death are irresistible....

 

More of which, ended up being a four-paged entry before I collapsed into bed.

 

---

 

A/N : Fifth day mark, the weekends in. Kai gave reasons for Hyerin to live but Hyerin's heart was still dejected by life. Will she make it? Life, will it still exist for her? Stick around to find out~ A few more days people. How curious are you???