Have you ever wondered what your name means? Just a thought in the middle of the night. Son Hyerin. I looked up the meaning one day. I'm not a believer of numerology or superstitious about names but what I found was...convincing. Most of what the web said fitted me.

Overly-sensitive nature which causes you to sense and feel far more than you can understand or put into words.

 

You have a deep, artistic, and creative side which shows through a love for music and literature.

 

You prefer to avoid routine, monotony, and menial tasks.

 

Your feelings tend to build up within you and, if you cannot release them through a creative, constructive channel, you could suffer with frustration, moods, and much inner turmoil.

 

Others often find it difficult to understand you.

Others often find it difficult to understand you. But I don't understand others. People are so complicated. My life is a living hell whenever I'm around 'people'.

“Yah gaeol!” Dasom kicked my chair. Gaeol's not my name but people at school addressed me that way. Gajja Eolgul – fake face. My face resembled Min Hyorin's but I wish I don't. I didn't really look like her when I was younger but somehow the features of my face changed a few years into puberty. And the fact that the actress admitted to had had nose surgery made me the epitome of fake. Even though I'm not.

“I'm seeing Min Hyorin all over the place lately. She got a new advertising contract. I bet you're happy your face looks like her. Your fake face that is,” she hissed before letting out a loud guffaw. For someone who thinks she owns everyone's pride, she has an ugly laugh.

“I don't have a fake face,” I muttered.

“What? What? Am I hearing denial?” Dasom asked but I ignored her. I just wanted her to leave me alone.

“Answer me,” she suddenly pushed my head. I bit my lower lip, holding back the urge to cry, to shout at her, to punch her face. But she kept pushing my head. A crowd of students were starting to form outside the class.

“I said, answer me.”

“Leave me alone,” I stood up, raising my voice. She was startled but rather amused by my sudden courage.

“You're talking back now?” disbelief was all over her face. By now, I wished I had kept quiet or better yet, vaporised from the surface of the earth. I felt blood rushing to my left cheek, a burning sensation as if it was pressed on a red hot iron.

“Oh my gosh, she just slapped her!” I heard someone gasping loudly and the hushes of whispers from the students outside. Dasom left and the crowd dispersed, losing interest in whatever they were staying for.

“Hyerin, eat your food. It's not nice to sulk in front of your dinner,” mum had always been the one nagging. She nags about clothes, school, chores, food, trash. She doesn't know when to stop.

“I'm not sulking,” I replied, taking a small bite of meat.

“Then, eat. And I heard you caused trouble at school again. You talked back to a senior. Didn't I teach you manners? Your brother is so much better than you. He listens to me.”

“Oh really? So you told him to smoke? You told him to come back past midnight everyday? You told him to steal money from dad? You told him to attack me through SNS? And was it you who told him to call me a druggie?” the sound of the metal chopsticks I slammed on the table echoed through the dining room. Living under one roof with this ed up family was making me sick.

“Son Hyerin!”

“I'm sorry mum but don't you see? Your son, who 'listens' to you is worse than me. Worse than your daughter who talked back to a senior,” I expected my mum to say more hurtful things to me. But what she said afterwards made me realised that I was just an encumbrance.

“Have you taken your medications? Do you want me to tell the doctor to change your prescriptions?” she sounded so sympathetic. But that annoys me more. To be reminded of a horrible diagnose that I wish would kill me in a day than slowly.

“No mum. No. Just...I'll be in my room. No doctors. Or I'll throw all those bottles out the window,” and that seemed to shut her up. I went up to my room and sat on the edge of my bed. My hands caressed the sheets, feeling the texture of the cotton, soft grit. It always calms me down. I just need to calm down.

After a few minutes, I lied down and when I turned my head to the side, my eyes were fixed to the orange prescription bottles on my side tables. When will I stop taking them? Until when do I have to subdue to them? Prozac and Lexapro. I found it funny that 'pro' is in both of the drugs. Drugs. How? My dad has too much money in his hands and was suspicious of my 'quiet' self. He sent me to the doctors one day. Saying that I was different than years ago, unresponsive, quiet. Am I never quiet before? He was being absurd but somehow the doctors diagnosed me. Maybe dad paid them to drugged me. Or...maybe I do need them. For what, I don't know. Every morning, I wake up to suicidal thoughts because of uncertainty and plain loneliness. Hatred towards the world. People. Life. Myself.

HyeMisul : Is there a way to die fast?

SarangByeol : Drink poison.

SunHiwatari : Jump in front of a speeding subway.

SarangByeol : But why would you want to die?

KimKin : Choke on kimbap and chicken.

HyeMisul : There's nothing to live for.

KimKin : Are you kidding?

SarangByeol : There's always something to live for.

KimKin : I'm living for kimbap and chicken.

KimKin : You need to meet a counselor. Don't kill yourself.

SunHiwatari : What? No! Are you crazy? Counselors judge you. You'll want to die more.

SarangByeol : Find love.

KimKin : Eat chicken. I can call to get them delivered to you.

SarangByeol : u_u

HyeMisul : I'm not hungry. Thank you @KimKin

SunHiwatari : Think about it thoroughly. There are things to live for.

HyeMisul : Nothing.

SunHiwatari : Give yourself time. A day. A week maybe. THINK ABOUT IT! My hyung says that a lot.

KimKin : Are you a counselor? @SunHiwatari

SunHiwatari : No.

SarangByeol : Think and find something to live for. Whatever that is. Pray.

HyeMisul : I'm an atheist.

SunHiwatari : I want to walk my dogs. See you next week @HyeMisul

Thoughtful netizens. What a joke. I bet they were nice because they thought I was joking. Why would I joke about death? They will know it's not a joke once they see the headlines tomorrow. They should feel guilty for taking me lightly. I remembered how the chat went that night. They made it sound trivial, as if life was unimportant. None of them cared.

I took a deep breath before stepping on the ledge. The wind was stronger than usual. Or maybe it's always strong higher up on the rooftops. Should I do a countdown? A flashback of my life? Who am I kidding? I should just jump. Five-storeys should kill me. I don't have to think anymore after this.

“Give yourself time,” a small voice in my head said as I put a foot forward. I pulled my foot back. I fell backwards from the ledge and onto hard ground. I could feel my heart thumping so hard it could burst out from my ribcage, struggling to breathe I thought I might die just then. After a while, I finally managed to get myself together.

“Okay, a week. Seven days,” so I did take an advice from someone in the cyber world. I'm totally convinced that I would find nothing by the seventh day but I'm doing it because an extremely tiny part of me was afraid to jump.

A/N : I'm just explaining the reasons why Hyerin wanted to kill herself because I wanted her to have a reason for being suicidal. There are 4 reasons altogether. Have fun guessing what they are and comment if you may. Whoever gets all four, I'll send flowers :) Just for the info, this does not count as Day 1. Please anticipate the coming days.