In a minute, the sky turned into an abyss. I just knew, right when I asked, that I shouldn’t have done so. I’ve always thought it’s crazy. I mean it’s so stupid to ask but I did because I wanted to know. Curiosity killed the cat. I should’ve known better. Curiosity killed leo. What else should I say? I shouldn’t have asked. I get the stick closer to the doll. I’ll need to get it stitched. God, it’s so altered right now. My life is a mess. I stare at the screen of my phone. I can’t see anything clearly but it’s easy to notice that there’s no new call, not even a message. I gave up on buying new phones. I don’t mind the broken screen, the broken letters on the screen, the broken hearts out of the broken screen and the absence of the broken letters that could've mended my hearts.

(I say hearts because I believe mine keeps regenerating each time. It dies when hakyeon’s not here but he has his own ways to keep it alive). Man, I’m getting pathetic.

 It doesn’t matter anymore, I mean how my phone looks crappy because I get angry and throw it all around. Sometimes, when the pieces keep getting shattered over and over again, you don’t bother trying to hold it together, that would only make you a fool. God, I shouldn’t have asked. I hide my face in my arms. I want to cry but I don’t have tears and nothing comes out. I feel so heavy. I get rid of my clothes and cover myself with the blanket. It’s cold and warm. I hate the feeling, I shouldn’t have asked.

Days ago, hakyeon was smiling at me. It was perfect, having his head on my chest. The snow was covering the floor outside. The air was frozen and people looked a bit happier than before, maybe because of the holidays. Through the window, I could see them very well. They didn’t even care about feeling cold. No one likes working or studying, really. You should just take a look at people when holidays come to realize that. Even I noticed.

Hakyeon got the house warmed so the snow didn’t matter for us. He had my arms covering him anyway. I believe I’m warm so I guess hakyeon didn’t mind the cold either. I mean my body is. I’m an iceberg, that’s what hakyeon said.  He wouldn’t feel the cold then since my skin is usually hot, especially when he’s around. I wouldn’t either because I had hakyeon’s eyes looking at me, conveying the hot vibes of the hottest tropical city in the world. Maybe I’ll need to tell hakyeon when I find out the city’s name, it may make him smile.

I really shouldn’t have asked. I knew it as soon as I opened my mouth.   

“Why do you love me? I often wondered. If I was you, I wouldn’t have loved me, honestly”, I said. A terrible mistake, it was.  

I didn’t ask because I couldn’t keep him warm enough or because I was bored. There was something else, something that I couldn’t put my finger on. I asked because everything was perfect, maybe. I don’t believe in angels, fate or perfection. There, I admitted it. I knew something was wrong in that perfection and I was right about it or maybe I made it happen, I’m not sure.  I can only tell now that snow is unpleasant for me.

Hakyeon looked at me, it was like he was telling me that he couldn’t be too sure either. He seemed surprised and I thought I would die, waiting for an answer.  Couples do that a lot (asking why they like each other) so I couldn't quite understand why he'd be taken aback by the question.

“You asked me for a date a year ago, didn’t you?”

I nodded my head. He smiled and added that it just happened that way. The rest just happened too. I just stood up and left the room. I couldn’t look at him anymore. Then, I just found myself stabbing the poor voodoo doll. I really hated myself for asking for so much more than the answer itself.

It got me back to the day I confessed to hakyeon. I was embarrassed, really. I don’t know how these things happen but there was a day where his lips were more tempting than the other days and his smile was more shining, or maybe I was vulnerable because my sister was a bit sick and I couldn’t help worry and feel bad.  I can barely remember how difficult these words were for me to pronounce. I love you more than friend. I don’t joke around a lot so hakyeon knew what I meant when I said it. Maybe he even knew before.  When you love someone and you think it goes unnoticed, just ask yourself how many times you looked at that person more intensely than you should’ve or how many times you hinted at what you really feel. He didn’t say he loved me back. He never did. He just kissed me and I knew, or I thought I knew back then.

That’s why I shouldn’t have asked. You’d have believed that since I’m the freezing cold iceberg and hakyeon the lovely grasshopper, he would’ve confessed first or at least told me once in a span of a year that he loved me but it just happened that way, that’s what he said.

It doesn’t matter though, whether hakyeon loves me or he doesn’t. I just want him to like me more than he would ever like anyone else.