“today, I’m so tired. I really hate almost all the 2nd generation chaebols. They think they’re all that while they even lack the basics of being a businessman. Teaching them is a real pain in the ”

Hakyeon has been complaining for three hours now, not that I mind. I let him do all the talking. It’s been like that since days. He keeps talking and I nod my head from time to time.  It’s like we communicate but nothing’s said, really.

“the chairman fired the secretary, today. I’m glad we got rid of her. I mean she kept flirting with everyone since she got in. I’m glad I don’t feel eyes staring at my gay at work anymore, it’s nearly harassment”

I’m the worst, really. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve missed half of my childhood. I keep playing even now, as an adult. Just tell me not to say the f word and I’ll go all like , , , .

“I don’t mind if it’s you”, hakyeon adds as he realizes I stare at his lovely behind to provoke him.

I feel tempted to ask, to play a bit more but I learned my lesson. I keep it all inside.

If it’s me, then do you love me?

It’s refreshing to see hongbin’s smile. I swear that even if you’ve been through the worst you can go through and your eyes fall on his smile, your mood would brighten instantly. I haven’t been outside since weeks now, except when I go to hakyeon’s apartment. My job allows me to stay home and write songs. He hugs me longer than anyone would do when hugging. Hongbin is like that, a teddy bear who would stick to you and hug you until you suffocate. It’s not that bad. It’s weird how we got close, now that I think of it. At first, he was scared of me, I mean it. I could almost see him shaking when I’d talk to him.

“what’s up? How’s life?” I ask.

Hongbin sighs. I know it has to do with work even before he speaks. He’s hakyeon’s colleague and considering that my boyfriend’s been ranting like an old ahjumma this whole month about the company, hongbin would even had taken it harder.

“I’ve never thought I’d wish death for someone but the chairman is so old anyway and no one would care. I guess even his children think he’s like a useless hitler or something.”

I don’t get it. What does he mean by old and hitler?  The brown hair, the black eyes and the broad shoulders didn’t leave my mind for weeks. Sometimes, I’d see him doing stuff with hakyeon in front of me and I’m just standing there, at some corner, crying my eyes out but tears just don’t come out. What’s hongbin doing, talking about an old chairman?  I try to seem unmoved. I don’t feel uncomfortable around hongbin, it’s just that I don’t want him to think something’s wrong. He keeps worrying about me and I hate it so much. After all, I’m the one who’s supposed to take care of him.

 “I thought you had a new boss, did he quit?”, I ask, feigning indifference.

“I’ve always had the same boss since I got in”, he answers, “did hakyeon say something?”

“no, I just thought that by that time, they would’ve changed him”

“See? That’s what I meant too. He’s like a dinosaur grams bossing us, poor eggs, around.”  

I hold in the urge to shower him with affection until we say goodbye. I’ve never felt so thankful to anyone else. I hug hongbin, almost breaking every single bone the kid has. A tear streams down my face and crashes on his shoulder. Man, I’d really hate it if he knew I cried.

crying doesn’t mean that you are weak, leo

crying in my arms means you care about me enough to let me see

you always cry inside anyway, you can see your own tears, don’t you?

you feel them, all these tears, pouring inside you, flooding your body from inside

why don’t you cry in my arms and show me how much you care?

I can’t help remembering how I cried for a whole night because hakyeon told me I could.

“idiot”, hakyeon says, “you’re nothing but an idiot”

Hiding the dolls in my closet was a very bad idea since hakyeon wears my clothes sometimes when he forgets to bring his and spends the night at my place.  How stupid of me. My mouth hangs open. When someone calls you an idiot, you don’t just stare at him but that’s what I’m doing. I don’t know what to say.

“I gave you that gift for a reason, have you ever thought about it?”

I don’t want to say that I assumed stuff, as I always do. I can’t tell him that I’m sick of always trying to understand why he acted in that particular way. Damn, it would be so much easier if he just explained it.  I remember telling him once about it and he replied “but you wouldn’t understand if I just told you”

“why would you care? I didn’t get your voodoo doll damaged anyway. I was just walking outside and I came across similar voodoo dolls. I picked another one because I thought they were cute”

“don’t give me the cute excuse, I know exactly what you did”, he says, "I gave you that voodoo doll because I knew how you can never get mad at me, no matter how tired I can make you feel. Do you think I haven't noticed how much you'd blame yourself for every little thing? If a plant dies and you happen to be next to it, you'd damage your brain thinking of how you could've saved it with a little water. I know you so well, jeong taekwoon. I feel like dying when you're lonely. I even came to the point of envying that poor phone of yours because at least, it's able to take away a bit of your pain from you " 

It’s weird to see hakyeon mad, it’s almost funny, but when he’s mad, I start worrying about our relationship so I can’t just laugh it out. If I do, then maybe it’ll get worse. Hakyeon is the type that likes when people take him seriously and give him big descriptive sentences to explain how sorry they are about being idiots, when he does his moral speeches. I’m not one to go against the rule, I whisper words of apologies that I don't mean.

 “You can’t always take it on yourself when something’s wrong”, he adds.

“you don’t understand”, I say and I hate myself for that. I’ve always made fun of these kinds of words that mean absolutely nothing. That’s just a way to avoid really answering. I mean when that lousy expression is used, no one has the guts to simply say these words:  stop the bull and give me a proper answer instead. “you don’t know me, you don’t know my past, don’t you judge me”, that’s just so cliché. God, how I hate sounding pathetic!

“so I did that to you?”, hakyeon asks, pointing his finger at the poor disfigured doll. His eyes are seeking answers but my mouth doesn’t seem to open. I can barely think and it feels like forming a whole sentence became way too difficult for me. Hakyeon was right, I'm an idiot. He picks up the stick lying next to the doll and stabs the voodoo doll that’s supposed to represent him, over and over again.

Tears. Real tears meet my hands. I can feel them getting wet.  Two rivers are now escaping from my eyes

(show me how much you care, leo)

I can’t seem to see anything but the stick that keeps stabbing the hakyeon doll. My heart is about to burst. I try to stop hakyeon but he’s mad and you wouldn’t want to interrupt a mad hakyeon doing mad stuff. I can’t look at him, really. I want him to stop.

‘You know, I hurt too”, he whispers, his voice is low and shaking but I hear it clearly.

Since my hands can’t reach the stick, I try to take away the doll, to protect it from the real hakyeon

(you know, I hurt too), it echoes in my mind, like a lullaby.

I place my hand as an obstacle, hakyeon misses the doll and stabs my hand instead. A hot liquid streams down my whole arm, I let out a scream and hakyeon seems to notice, horrified. He grabs my hand, kisses it and the blood, eyes as wide as an owl's. His mouth on my hand makes me laugh. I don’t know, it’s funny but my tears wouldn’t stop flowing like rivers (show me how much you care, leo).

“sorry, I’m so sorry”, hakyeon says, “I love you’    

I want to ask him why he lied about that new boss, why he wanted to make me jealous. I want to understand hundred things but the tears wouldn't let me speak my mind. As soon as I open my mouth, sobs escape from my chest and my voice doesn’t come out. I’m not sure if the pain made me hallucinate or he said it for real but I heard it. I love you. One of his hands is on my hand, the other wipes my tears. I’d like to ask, really but I’m not any ready to  talk. Do you love me, hakyeon? It's a melody running through my head, like an old broken cassette. Do you love me, hakyeon? 

“I love you, I love you leo”, he repeats.