I sing higher, higher, higher. I don’t care about being loud anymore or getting kicked out from the lousy studio I rented. I send the music notes flying. Hakyeon once said that when I sing, I tend to restrain myself. I don’t care anymore, honestly. I just sing without much thinking. I really don’t sound like my usual self.  It’s the first time I wouldn’t enjoy singing. I hate being loud and sounding hurt, really.

It’s almost 10 am and I don’t have much to do. That’s the thing with weekends, you wait for it until you’re sore, and then, you find yourself drowning in sorrow, boredom or whatever you call it. You’d die to have something to keep you away from the thinking, anything.  I head to the small closet and fetch the voodoo doll. Man, how it looks destroyed. It’s funny how when the scars are on the outside and you see them clearly, you wouldn’t think that you can say some sweet words and heal it all. You just know and you don’t bother trying. Hakyeon and I made up. I don’t hold grudges, not even close to that. I know it’s my fault for bringing it up.  

I try anyway. I don’t care about the outcome. I like failing over and over again. It’s like I’m deep down in that river and I keep drowning. At some point of time, I start enjoying the water. I sing, too low to be heard by anyone else and high enough to address the song to the voodoo doll. Hakyeon said my voice appeases him and it appeases me too, I mean a little bit. I always feel a bit better after singing but the shattering wouldn’t disappear anyway. I smile. The voodoo doll, even with all the cuts and the stitches looks good.

I was wrong on so many levels and maybe that’s the kind of confidence I have. It always gets me at the end. How wrong of me to think hakyeon would always like me the best, although he doesn't love me.

I know hakyeon better than I’ve ever known myself. I can feel it all over him. I told you that when you love someone, it never goes unnoticed. Hakyeon is even more obvious about it than anyone. At first, I felt tempted to ask ‘who?’ like a madman but I didn’t. I didn’t even have to. Hakyeon keeps talking about that new boss he’s met at work that is just too nice and successful despite his young age. I start thinking about myself and I laugh. No jokes. I am really laughing even if it sounds creepier than happy. The first image that gets to my head is a bitter man hiding under blankets in the cold of December, like a kitten that got into the rain, I understand now the nickname.

 I join the game. I ask a lot about the guy, not that I want to know. I just feel like getting as hurt as I can, take it all inside then let it go.

“what does he look like?”, I add.

“Brown hair, black eyes and broad shoulders. He looks like some character of anime, I’m telling you.  It’s crazy, isn’t it? I thought my new boss would be old and grey”, hakyeon smiles wide. God, how I loved his smile regardless of the reason.

“Brown hair, you say? The kind of hair you’d like to put your hand into and never let go of? That kind of fluffy hair? ”

“Why’d you want to know? Are you jealous?”

“I don’t know. I was just being nice and sociable since you seemed like you wanted to talk about your boss, you see”

 Anyone else would’ve understood but not hakyeon. He never does.

I saw it coming but I’m unable to feel anything. It’s like everything froze inside since the moment I knew.

leo, I think I love someone

Hakyeon keeps coughing. He looks paler than usual and he has some crazy dark circles under his eyes. It’s easy to guess that he’s drunk. I’m flattered he came to me, flattered he told me first but I don’t know what I should be feeling.

“Let’s take care of this cold first”, I say. He doesn’t let go of my hand, doesn’t let me go fetch some medicine for him or even prepare some hot tea. I’m in bed, hakyeon in my arms. I wouldn’t want him to die from pneumonia. His breath reeks of alcohol but I don’t mind. I blow in his mouth and hug him as tight as I can to make him feel warm. I throw the blankets on him delicately and tell him to sleep, that I’ll stay next to him until the morning anyway. I add that he shouldn’t think too much and that he’s too drunk to be doing the thinking anyway.

“you’ll catch my cold too”, he says. He sounds worried but I couldn’t care less. “Sleep”, I insist and I sing some soft lullaby to him or at least, a song that sounds like a lullaby. I don’t know much about lullabies. No one’s ever sang one to me or I just can’t remember.   

In the early morning, I just can’t stay there. I feel like running. To where? I don’t know but I need to get away for a while. I keep seeing the brown hair in my mind, the black eyes and the broad shoulders. The next thing that comes to mind is what hakyeon told me and that I already knew anyway. I don’t know why it hurts more to hear him from him. I just want to run. I leave him in his apartment and go outside. I don’t have a car or anything. I’m glad I don’t. I only decided not to own a car when I got my driving license. I thought of my vulnerable nature. People like calling me passionate or cold instead though but I'm plain vulnerable, I know it very well. Cold and passionate mean nothing anyway. It just came to my mind that if I’ve ever had a car, at the moment I start hating myself again, I’ll just destroy every piece of me. That wouldn’t have been pretty so I don’t have a car.

I run and I’m happy it’s not raining again, or snowing. The fresh air feels good. I run until my legs are sore or even a little more. I don’t want to think anymore.

When I'm back to my studio, the first thing I do is checking on the voodoo dolls. I take off my shirt and put the first voodoo doll on my lap. I seem crazy I guess but there's no one else other than me in the room. My eyes travel from leo's voodoo doll to my bared chest. I can't seem to see how hurt I am so I take a look at the poor doll. It's funny how that destroyed thing represents me.

It's the first time I feel like it's unfair. I swear when my eyes fall on hakyeon's unharmed voodoo doll, I can almost see a smile on its inexpressive face.