A typical day in my life starts again: I think about what hakyeon must be doing right now. I figure out he’s still sleeping. I imagine him in bed, eyes closed, like an angel. I wonder where angels go after they fade, for I believe angels don’t die, they just leave. I often do that; I stop, time freezes and I imagine stuff.  I can even see light surrounding hakyeon’s shadow, somewhere far away from where I am. I try to walk towards it. Light is so attractive and so is my hakyeon.  I can even scream sometimes as if he could open heaven’s door for me but it just doesn’t work. The sign says ‘rejected’ in big letters, for whatever it means. It’s all in my head and it really , how even my own imagination is against me. Shouldn’t people be daydreaming of rainbows and unicorns?

Once when I was drunk, I told hakyeon about it and he attempted to make me believe that black angels are angels too and that I was one of them, thus, I could be in heaven. He wasn’t drunk and not even a bit embarrassed about speaking such silly words with a lucid mind. When my thoughts became clearer and I remembered, god, I laughed so much I almost told myself to shut up. I mean I’m so quiet normally so when I burst out laughing, the sound of it got me annoyed.  

A typical day, I’m telling you. I stand up and check if I’ve received any message from him. Depressing, isn’t it? Four times out of seven, I end up sending my phone flying to anywhere I can reach and I giggle like a penguin (penguins don’t giggle? well… hongbin does). I giggle at the thought of hakyeon asking me again why the hell my phone got so many scratches. It’s you, it’s you. I laugh and he doesn’t get it. He never does, anyway. By now, he nearly owes me thousand phones.  I hear the door open. My heart beats faster as the sound of his steps is getting clearer. I can recognize his steps. God, what am I?  

oh

“I didn’t expect you to come”, I say. He looks so much like an angel. I've never seen angels and I don't believe in them. I just mean that if they've ever had to exist, they'd have been like him. I want to cry when I look at him (I hate admitting it, as an adult but I really do) His lips stretch into a witty smile. He pats my , like a grandmother or a ert. I don’t really know. I guess he’s a bit like both.   

“I woke up for you. Happy birthday, leo”

I wake up for you, everyday. Damn.

I nod, almost ignoring him and he gets frustrated. “Can you please say something, leo?”, he asks.

It's funny how he calls me leo since we've met. He told me I reminded him of his very first kitten and that he was so sad when his mother decided to give him away because of discipline issues. He felt like he abandoned the real leo.

I remember every single word that was said. It's like at that time, I was meant to be friend with hakyeon and date him a year after. You just don't remember what a stranger tells you the first time you meet him for no reason. If I wasn't so reasonable, I'd have said that it's fate but I don't believe in that anyway.

Do I make you sad because I look like leo?

Oh no, I'm all grown-up now. Can I call you leo? I know it's weird to ask it like that, even more since we're not even close but I would feel like I'm making it up to him if I treated you well and if I said his name once in a while, you know.

I really didn't know, but I said yes.     

“like what?”, I say faster than how I wanted to.

          “like thank you hakyeon, I’m glad you sacrificed two hours of sleep for me”

“where’s my gift?”, I ask simply, the hint of a smile on my face.

If I make it clear that hakyeon is my life, my religion, my medicine, my…

          “Should I put a ribbon on myself for it to be obvious?”

           … birthday gift too, wouldn’t I be just too miserable?

          “I got this for you. Tada!”, he says happily, hiding something he got from his bag behind his back. 

He mimics the sound of drums. I've almost expected it to be an engagement ring but I knew Hakyeon better.  He hands me a… teddy bear?  

“don’t tell me to hug it when you’re not around. I would really hate it. You might’ve as well given me a grasshopper. At least, it looks like you”. I didn't intend to make it sound mean but I can't help it. I'm like that. You just tell me white and I start wondering if it was black before, I mean if black was painted white to look pure, that kind of things. 

“more like to stab it when I’m not around. It’s a voodoo doll. Whenever I’m not good to you, you can just picture him as me and vent your anger on it. ”

He lowers his head and I guess he really feels bad about not always being here for me and I hate to think he’s sad because of me. My hands instantly go to his neck, forcing him to look at me in the eyes.

I hate seeing guilt so much that I want to erase it by all means.

Close your eyes, close your eyes, hakyeon, I swear I’m praying right now. Close your eyes, hakyeon. I saw it in movies but it’s not like that in real life. Hakyeon never closes his eyes when we kiss. I don’t care, the guilt has to disappear. My lips play with his. I make it as enjoyable as I can but that’s not it. He doesn’t close his eyes. The guilt is still here so I kiss his eyes. Close them for god’s sake. Close your eyes, hakyeon.

“Hakyeon, hey”, I say as we part, “It's not you, it's me, I just hate missing you but I don’t mind, really. I'll do better”