When I wake up again, I feel empty again I know nothing, not what day it is or what time it currently is. Not to mention Sehun is nowhere to be found. I can’t completely open my eyes, but I can more than I was able to previously. I shove the layers of blankets off of me and slowly slide out of bed. I open my bedroom door and find the hallway to be empty. My parent’s room door is open and my mom’s beside lamp on. I stop and lean against the wooden frame and I see her eyes flutter open and she catches my gaze. She angelically moves herself out of bed, careful not to stir my father. Once she meets me at the door, she ushers me down the hallway and into the living room. She takes a seat on our couch and pats the spot next to her, inviting me to join her. I slink down in the spot and she lunges at me, wrapping her arms around my neck. We sit on the couch, just hugging. After the hug gets overly long and awkward now, she pulls away and I feel a wet spot now on my shoulder and I look into her tear filled eyes. Where the white is supposed to be is now completely red and bloodshot. Her cheeks are completely soaked in tears.

                “I’m so sorry, Lu.” She says, her eyes momentarily meeting mine and then glancing back down to the ground.

                “For what?” I ask, naively.

                “For everything. For arguing with you while you were driving. I should have known better. I am a ing idiot.  That fight could have waited, I just...”

                My mind flashes back to the accident

       “Mom, seriously I will be home on time for dinner tonight.” I pause briefly and look over at Li Yin. Her hair is blowing in the wind, the summer air fills my car with our windows down. She smiles softly at me, reassuring me that everything would be okay.

            “Lu Han, I am sick and tired of the way you’re talking to me. You don’t even act like I’m your mother anymore. Just because you have a fancy car and nice things does not give you the right to treat me however you feel. As soon as you get home, no phone, no girlfriend, no car. I’m done.”

            “Mom!” I protest. I let my hand off of the steering wheel just long enough to switch hands that was holding the phone. In that split second my nice Mercedes Benz slides over into oncoming traffic. A delivery truck was twenty-five feet ahead of me. I didn’t realize that I had slid over into the other lane until I heard screeching tires, car horns blaring, the crunching of metal on metal, dragging ever-so painfully against the side of my car. Sparks are flying off of both vehicles and I shield myself from it. Little am I aware that Li Yin is taking the full force of this and is in mass amounts of pain, her face taking the sharp sparks and pieces of metal flying around us like we’ve been up in a tornado. After that, the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital, covered in burns, but surprisingly okay and discovering that my love was no longer here.

       I shake out of my memories, no longer being able to handle the torture and pain that comes with it.

                “I don’t understand myself, Lu Han. I don’t.”

                I don’t say a single word. I rub her shoulder gently, trying to keep her calm. The tears are streaming down her face at a steady flow, comparable to a river.

                “I could have saved you, Lu Han. I could have saved Li Yin. You wouldn’t be getting beaten up at school if I weren’t so damn stupid.” She chokes on the last word.

                “Shh. Mom.” I grab her by the shoulder and pull her into my arms. I just hold her there as she cries. I rest my chin on the top of her head. I close my eyes and imagine that this is just a dream and none of this is actually reality.

                I begin to think of everything that has been piled on her plate. Everything that makes her feel this way, that it’s her fault. The fight. The accident. Li Yin. The bullying and now the fight. I feel absolutely miserable for everything. This isn’t her fault, and knowing how stubborn she is, she won’t believe it no matter how many times you try to tell her. She will always somehow find a way to blame herself. I get my stubbornness from her. I sit there, cradling her in my arms, letting her weep until her eyes couldn’t produce anymore tears.

                When her tears stop flowing, she sits up ad pulls away from me. She reaches out for my hands and takes them into her own. She looks me in the eyes and tries to talk, but simply cannot find the words that her mind is searching for.

                “Mom, none of this is your fault. Please don’t feel that way. Yes, we fought, but I should have been more responsible and put down the phone while I was driving. I should have hung up or pulled over. I was the stupid one mom, not you. I hate myself every single day that I wake up in the morning. I hate that I’m still walking this earth and Yin is buried six feet underground. That isn’t fair!! And it certainly isn’t fair that you’re sitting her blaming yourself for something you had minimal control over. This isn’t your fault!! Please, I’m begging you, realize this.” My voice is almost cracking, my face is red hot and covered in tears.

                “Oh! Lu Han!!!” She exclaims. She hugs me once more, but its cut short due to my father’s fresh presence in the room.

                The next morning my face is so swollen that my mother decides that it is best for me to tay home and rest myself. She calls the school nurse, who is completely understanding and I’ve been given the lcear to do absolutely nothing all day.

                She says goodbye and leaves for work. My dad has already left, he normally leaves long before my mother and I even wake up. I decide to take over the living room and turn on a movie. I turn on the TV and put in a random movie, not taking a glance as to what movie.

                I go into the kitchen and place a bag of popcorn in the microwave and turn back into the living room so I could skip through the previews on the movie. I keep my eyes on my feet while I’m walking, so I don’t notice that Sehun is suddenly standing in my living room.

                “Well , Lu. You’re pretty messed up, huh?”

                I nearly jump out of my skin. I look up and see the scrawny boy standing behind my couch.

                “Sehun?” I say in disbelief.

                “Why are you always so surprised?” He scoffs. He kicks off his shoes, like he lives here.

                “W-what? H-how?” I stutter, confused.

                “The front door was unlocked, and I left after biology when you weren’t there. The rumors are insane. People are saying you’re dead or that you’re in the hospital, but I knew better.”

                “How did you find out where I live?”

                “I asked someone. It’s not that hard. You’re surprisingly popular. All I had to do was fake being mad at you and everyone is willing to spill your secrets.”

                “Oh.” Is all I can say.

                “So I decided to check on you, because you really took one hell of a beating yesterday. I talked them out of taking you to the hospital. I figured that you’re tired of that place.”

                “So you don’t hate me?” I ask nervously, not completely sure if I want to hear the answer. He sands there, making me more and more nervous by the second.

                “No, Lu Han, I don’t hate you. I never did. Actually, I wasn’t even mad. Like I said, I just wanted to dig up some dirt on you, for example, your address and your cell number. Once I found out about the accident, and when I heard what people were saying, I knew it wouldn’t take much to get people talking. But I also knew right away that you were being more hurt than anyone by this situation. I, however, did not know that you were going to get your beat the moment I left.” He lets out a deep breath and I believe him, he seems genuine.

                “So let me get this straight, you faked being mad at me to get my address and number? You could have just asked. No need to go stalker mode,” I say in almost a whisper.

                “It’s so much more fun to watch you squirm though.”

                “Rude.” I reply and walk back into the kitchen, suddenly remembering my probably burnt popcorn.

                “Sehun?”

                “Yes?”

                “Do you want anything to eat or drink?”

                “Sure. I’ll take a glass of water.”

                I grab a glass from the cabinet and place it under the faucet and fill I almost to the top. I grab the bag of popcorn and put the edge of the paper in my mouth and grab both of our drinks. I walk into the living room, surprisingly full of grace. I set the drinks down on the coffee table. Sehun waits patiently for me on the couch, curled into a ball. He is looking at me with his soft puppy dog eyes. I hold up one finger, letting him know that I’ll be back momentarily. I drop the popcorn out of my mouth and it lands on the couch.  I dash away to see how swollen my face has become.

                I look into the mirror and I don’t recognize he face staring me back. The face in the mirror is bruised completely around the eyes. My eyelids are swollen two times the size of what they normally are. The black bruises cover my eyes. If I didn’t feel the pain radiating from them, I would think that it was covered in makeup. My jaw aches, but somehow is remarkably untouched. My lips are bloody, but no longer swollen. Besides my eyes, I’m okay. I just like road kill. Like a half ran over deer or something.

                I pry my eyes away from the horrendous image in the mirror. I force myself to shut off the light and leave the bathroom. When I get back into the living room, I find Sehun still sitting in ball, looking at my house, full of curiosity.

                “Looking for something?” I ask him, a grin forming on my face.  He looks up at ne, his eyes wide at first. He smiles at me softly and shakes his head.

                “Nah, I was just looking around. I’ve forgotten what a home looks like.”

                I wake up and Sehun is nowhere to be found. The TV is off and I sit straight up, completely confused. I stand up and stretch and a piece of paper falls from my lap. I sit back down and pick it up. I unfold the piece of paper and find Sehun’s chicken scratch scrawled on it.

Lu Han,

I didn’t want to wake you, you were sleeping so peacefully. I had to get going back to my house, my family is probably wondering where I am. Thank you for today, I really needed a change of scenery. Hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow.

Xoxo.

~Sehun

                I smile and fold the note back up and shove it into my pocket. I look outside and notice that it’s almost twilight and neither of my parents are home yet. I go back into the kitchen and begin making some ramen for myself. When it’s almost done cooking, I hear a car pull into our drive way, I assume it’s my mother and I continue to cook. I hear the door open and I turn around and see her walking up the stairs. She comes up into the kitchen, but looks fatigued.

                “Hey Lu, I’m glad to see you’re cooking for yourself. I’m not feeling too well so I’m going to go lie down for a bit.” Her face is extremely pale.

                I wake up at 5:37 and don’t bother to try and fall back asleep. I turn my overhead light on and look for my uniform. The bloody one is still at the cleaners.

                Hopefully it’ll be back soon. It has my good shirt and jacket with it. I think to myself. I find my spare pants and lay them out on my bed and run to shower before my father wakes.

                After my shower, I put on my undershirt and a pair of sweatpants. I go into the kitchen and grab a glass of orange juice. The rest of my morning dashes by so quickly that I’m almost late leaving the house.            

                When I get to school, I find Minseok standing outside, impatiently waiting for me as he rests his head against the wall.

                “Where were you yesterday?” He demands the second I reach his side.

                “I couldn’t exactly see or talk so I just stayed home.”
                “Why?”

                “Don’t pretend like you don’t know about my fight. I totally kicked his .” I sarcastically remark.

                “No?” He replies.

                “Long story short, I got my handed to me yesterday and I had my eyes and mouth both swollen shut. Therefore unable to come to school.”

                The warning bell rings and Minseok scurries away to his class and I casuallyg walk into mine. Sehun is sitting in the seat next to mine. Everyone is chattering around him, he’s’ probably the main topic of their obnoxious side conversations. Saving me from Yixing’s brutal hands and our “fight”. People talk about my life because theirs are too boring for them.              

                I quietly take my spot next to Sehun and shove my hands into my pockets, feeling extremely awkward. The bell rings a few seconds later. I attempt to pay attention today, but I fail miserably. At the end of class, Sehun shoves a note at me and walks out of the class, disappearing into the sea of people. I unfold the bunch and read the contents:

                Meet me on the roof after school. We need to talk.

                My heart instantly falls into my stomach. Suddenly I’m scared. Sehun is the only “friend” that I have. I don’t even know if he considers me his friend. I know that yesterday he said he doesn’t hate me, but what if he woke up his morning and suddenly hates me. I don’t think that I could handle that. My mind would probably go into a shutdown and if that’s the case, I’ll probably just launch myself off of the roof right then and there. I would have no purpose anymore.

                At lunch I sit by myself in the back of the cafeteria. I watch Sehun talking to someone and I feel jealous.

                He’s such a social butterfly.  I think to myself. I feel the jealous rising in my chest. I don’t know why. I just want him sitting next to me, talking to me, not anybody else.

                Lu, calm yourself down just a little bit. I look down at my hands which are now balled up into fists and shaking. I close my eyes and shut the world out, something that I’ve gotten used to.

                I watch Sehun carelessly dance across the room, bouncing from able to table, striking up conversations, acting like he doesn’t know that people dislike him because of me. Or maybe he doesn’t know. Either way, he is enjoying himself. I pull out of my train of thought just in time for the bell to ring for class. I decide that it’s pointless to go now.

                I sneak out of the side door and find the hidden set of stairs that leads directly to the roof. I decide that I’m going to go wait for Sehun, I won’t be able to focus in class if I went anyway.

                I quietly sneak up the stairs, being careful to not get caught. Any student caught in this stairwell gets immediately suspended and fighting it only makes I worse. I reach the top of the stairs and I’m greeted by a solid metal door. I carefully open I, making sure it’s as quiet as possible, which is difficult because of its age. The door opens with ease and barely any noise escapes.

                Pushing the door open lets in a mass amount of light into the darkened stairwell. At first I feel as though I’m blinded. My eyes quickly adjust however and once I regain clear vision I look across the rooftop and see another figure standing on the opposite end of the roof. I instantly freeze at first sight, fearing that I’ve been caught already. I take a closer look at the figure and look at the features.

                Tall, skinny, the face looks like a deer in headlights, probably mimicking my own, but I quickly recognize the face of Sehun.  My heart rate drops dramatically, but I’m still as startled as he is.

                “Lu Han?” He asks. “You’re here early.”

                “Yeah. I can’ focus on anything today, so I just ditched.” I nervously scratch the back of my head.

                “Well, I wasn’t expecting you until later, but you’re probably wondering why I asked you to meet me up here, huh?”

                I simply nod in response, encouraging him to continue talking. He glances down at the ground and then back behind me, avoiding eye contact, or even looking at me in general.

                I feel my stomach turning into knots. I’m shaking and scared. I’m afraid that he’s going to leave and I’ll have no one again. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, because I don’t let myself get attached to people. I’ve learned that they all leave, but somehow, someway Sehun has gotten underneath my skin and broke down my walls. He’s gotten to me like nobody else has. Not even like Li Yin did. Which scares me even more. I cannot lose Sehun. Just the thought, it drives me crazy.

                “So, um, I have something to tell you.” He starts.

                “Yeah?” I say with more confidence in my voice than I really have.

                “Close your eyes.” He whispers.              

                I reluctantly obey his command and force my eyes shut. It takes every muscle in my body to keep my eyes shut. I can hear the rocks crunching under his feet. I hear his steps growing closer and closer to me. My heart beat pics up rapidly. The wind is blowing so hard hat it almost knows me off of my feet. Sehun’s steps stop just in front of me.  I feel him place his arms on my shoulders. I squeeze my eyes shut even tighter, it’s almost impossible for me to not peak. I just want to know what it is already.

                “I’m going to show you how I feel about you.” He whispers in my ear. His hand runs up my left shoulder and moves to the base of my neck. In a split second, Sehun pulls me closer by grabbing my neck and his lips are on mine. My heart begins to race. With a moment of indecision, I kiss him back fully. I place my shaky hands on his face and put every emotion I have felt in these past few months into a single moment. All of my jealousy, my fear, my pain, my anger, my love, and my happiness is all pushed into this single kiss.

                Slowly Sehun pulls away, I open my eyes and my eyes are on him. His eyes are wide open, like he’s in shock. I smile at him gently and he smiles nervously before chuckling.

                “Yehet,” He says, covering half of his face.

                “Yehet?” I question. Which causes him to turn bright red. 

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I AM LITERALLY SO FREAKING SORRY. I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO TYPE IT, BUT I FINALLY DID IT. I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT.