Today’s the day. My first day back since the accident and I’m still not sure if I’m going to be able to handle it. I’m going to walk the halls and see her face everywhere. Outside of the cafeteria where I would kiss her just one more time before she dashed to class at the last second so she wouldn’t be late.  I will see her face in the art room, remembering how she would stand at her easel with her hair pulled up into a messy ponytail. She would start laughing at me because I would make faces at her while she was intensely focused on her piece of art.

                I realize that I have stopped in the dead center of the sidewalk. My classmates are simply shoving past me, not taking a second glance at the boy they’re shoving. I just ignore it and trudge my way forward. I look at the school and memories flow back. I no longer can even look at the building. I find a bench that’s about fifty feet away from the entrance of the school. I launch myself onto the bench and toss my backpack to the side. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I bury my face in my knees and fight the tears that are threatening to rise to the surface at any second. 

                ‘Lu, are you okay?” I feel a hand rest on my shoulder and see my best friend, Minseok in front of me, looking into my eyes, his full of concern. I haven’t talked to him much since the accident. I honestly just haven’t talked to anyone. I had no reason to. Everyone would interrogate me on the accident and after the first week of that, I can no longer handle it. Everyone who knew me before the accident knows the real story and how much I truly hate myself for it every day. The people who heard it second-hand hate me because I’m not the one who died. They hate me because I’m the ing idiot that got into an argument on the phone while driving.

                “No, I’m not okay, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to attempt to pretend,” I put on my smile that I’ve been practicing for weeks.

                Minseok stands up and extends his arm to help me stand up. I graciously take his hand and with his help, I stand straight and my worries are momentarily forgotten as I remember how much I miss my best friend. We walk into the doors and everything is just how I remember it. The old musty smell, the fading blue lockers where parts of the paint are chipping off are all familiar to me. Seeing everyone in a uniform, it was just the way I had left it two months ago.

                I say goodbye to Minseok and walk to my first period class, biology. I walk into the room which is full of life, however, when I walk into the room I watch the chatter and side conversations come to a halt, and fade into nothing but a whisper in the back of the classroom. Everyone’s eyes are focused on me. I can feel the tension in the room build around my presence. Instead of bolting like my gut is telling me to do, I force my legs to move forward and walk to reclaim my vacant seat in the back of the class.

                The bell rings before I’m able to get to my seat. Our teacher, Mr. Kim, has a no-tolerance policy about being in your seat when the bell rings, so I’m already ed on my first day of being back in class.

                “Lu Han, tsk tsk.” He says, his eyes just barely peaking over the edge of his spectacles. He peaks over the book he was just moments ago, deeply engrossed in. Mr. Kim is an older man, his face has at least two wrinkles for every year of his life. His eyes are each the size of a pea. His glasses always sit on the edge of his nose, threatening to fall off at any given moment. He is the craziest teacher in the school, by far. His desk is cluttered, mountains of papers to be graded stand all the way to the ceiling (not actually of course, but its close enough). He always tries to be organized at the beginning of the semester, but buy the second month of classes, all hope is lost and it’s back to his usual, messy ways.

                “I apologize-“

                “Its fine, Lu Han. Take your seat.” He puts down his novel and takes control of the chatty class. I put my head down on my desk and attempt to tune out his monotone voice discussing the division of cells. I really just don’t want to be here.

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The rest of my day drags along painfully. I zone out in the remainder of my other classes. I ignore everyone until I reach my literature class. Their eyes pierce right through me.

                “Was that argument with your mom really worth it?” A girl [I never learned her name] hisses at me. I just look at the ground with a blank expression upon my face. I feel like there’s a giant hole in my chest. I can feel my heart cracking once more.

                Why can’t people ing understand the word accident? I think to myself.

                “C’mon, Lu Han, say something.” A kid in the back of the class urges me. I can’t stand it anymore. I feel the anger and hatred rising up from my stomach, rising through my lungs, finding its way to my vocal chords, causing me to finally snap on someone.

                “You know what? YOU. I wish it was me who died instead of Li Yin. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve to die. But she’s gone now and the time for mourning her death has come and passed, and we all need to move on with our lives. I loved Yin, as did everyone else. You can’t sit here and tear me apart with your harsh words and dirty looks. How is that fair? How is that fair to me? Or to Li Yin? She wouldn’t want you guys to ridicule me every day of her death. I’ve sat at home for the past two months, wishing I would die, I honestly don’t think you comprehend what I’ve been through.” I can’t speak anymore. I’m choking on my tears. My eyes are swelling from the salty tears. I force my way back into the hallway. Once I’m out there, I lean against one of the lockers and slide to the ground, my body now shaking uncontrollably. I bury my face in my hands, trying to catch my tears.

                I silently sit there for minutes, crying my heart out. It feels exactly like the first time I heard the news about what had happened to Li Yin and the entire accident. My heart has a giant hole in it, even more than it was before. It’s ripping more and more by the second. I suddenly feel someone slide down and sit next to me.

                “Go away.” I manage through my tears.

                “What if I don’t want to?” I hear an unfamiliar voice reply smoothly next to me.

                I look up and peak up at the face next to me. A scrawny boy sits right next to me. His brown hair lies flat on his forehead, his bangs barely reaching the ends of his eyebrows.

                “W-who are you? I stammer, quickly wiping away the tears from underneath my eyes, realizing how stupid I must look.

                “I’m Oh Sehun.”

                “Hello, Sehun.” I say, still wiping away my tears, avoiding his gaze.

                “Why are you here? I figured everyone would think I’m completely insane and would just walk away. Why did you stop?” I interrogate the boy.

                “I’m a transfer student from Korea and I’m looking for at least one friend, and by the looks of it, you need one too.”