Title: I remember
Pairing: Junseung
Rating: R
Genre: Angs
tResumen: He knows he doesn't deserve to be forgiven.

All of our memories that used to be like hell I don’t know why all of them are still stuck in my mind

It’s been three year since that dreadful day. Three years since that night when he ran away like a coward. Three years of nightmares and fear. Three years of alcohol and restless nights. Three years of Hell.

                Three years of loneliness.

Yong Junhyung was once a successful person. He had everything: a good job, an amazing house, caring friends and what was the most important thing, the love of his life by his side. But he lost everything on a night, or maybe he started to lose everything way before and he just didn’t realize it. That didn’t matter, he was now alone with nothing to live for but the memories of a better time, memories that have become nightmares threatening his sleep every night. Why wasn’t he able to forget? He kept asking himself over and over again, always to find the same answer: You don’t deserve to forget.

Those days where we promised forever, I will not ever forget those memories until the end

He entered his home after almost five days. The last project was too big for them and they had been spending almost all their time awake, and probably some of their time sleeping too, in the office trying to get all the details. Yoseob was a when he was sleep deprived and Hara, the president’s daughter, keep annoying him every single day. So arriving home was something that even felt strange when he opened the door the lights were off. He made his way straight to their shared room, dying to see his angel after all this time. But their bed was completely untouched. Not a single wrinkle could be seen, much less the shape he was supposed to find. Junhyung started to freak out. Where the was Hyunseung? He started to look for him in the bathroom, the kitchen, the guest room, but the older was nowhere to be seen. Junhyung felt the anger rising and his fists clenching, what had Seung been doing while he was working hard for them to live? He punched a door unconsciously, not even realizing it was made of glass and now his hand was dripping thick blood that stained the floor.

“Jun-ah? What happened?!”

He felt his hand been grabbed from behind and the instinctively pushed the other against the wall. He hissed, noticing for the first time the pain on his hand. He then realized that it was no other than Hyunseung who had grabbed his hand. The older was rubbing the back of his head while he grimaced in pain with fear in his eyes.

“Seung, where the were you? I have been looking for you since I ing got here after five days and you were nowhere around to even greet me.” Junhyung said through his teeth.

Hyunseung just lowered his eyes and walked cautiously towards his boyfriend, clearly afraid of his reaction.

After seeing that no negative reaction was coming from the younger, he grabbed the wounded hand once again and this time caressed carefully the hurt skin. Junhyung flinched  at the sudden contact but started to relax himself at the soft touch of Hyunseung’s hand. Hyunseung intertwined his other hand with Junhyung’s and d pulled him to the bathroom, where he made him sit in the toilette. He caught the first-aid kit and took some antiseptic and some gausses. Hyunseung started to take care of the wound and Jun just let him do, only staring, the anger long forgotten and just thinking about how much had missed Hyunseung in the last 5 days. After wrapping the wound carefully with the gausses, Hyunseung looked up, trying to find Junhyung eyes and they locked their stares for what seemed an eternity, just looking at each other and trying to find that thing that brought them together some time ago. But Junhyung could only find hurt and fear while Hyunseung only saw sadness and regret, nothing compare to when they used to show so much love in their eyes that anyone could see their feelings for each other.

Junhyung woke up and try to realize where he was. When he noticed that he was in his own bed with quickly tried to find the body that should be lying next to him, only to find a space that seemed too big and too cold for Junhyung to stand it. This time he realized soon after that he was just dreaming and that Hyunseung was long gone. After blinking a couple of times he decided that he needed some help to go back to sleep.

Our precious times I’ll cherish them deeply Even when the pain comes in many times

He headed to the kitchen where he tried to find the last bottle of whiskey he was sure he had bought just a couple of day ago. He looked through every cabinet and shelf without much success. He kept trying to look for something to drink, trying at the same time to figure out where that bottle could have gone since he couldn’t remember even opening it. Seeing that the kitchen was pretty empty he tried with the living room, he was sure there was some alcohol somewhere hidden, probably left there for moments of necessity like that one. He decided to start by the shelves and drawers at the end of the room. He found only documents and books, nothing resembling a bottle. He tried to look deeper into the wooden furniture, trying to find a hidden drawer somewhere behind the rows of books, but there seemed to be nothing. When he tried to put everything on its rightful place once again one of the books fell out, revealing something hidden underneath its pages.

Junhyung kneeled and catch the book.                The metamorphosis was the name of the book, he was sure that book wasn’t his, it was probably from Hyunseung, he was weird enough to read a book about a man turning into a bug. Junhyung found himself thinking about his dream once again, thinking about how much he missed his lover and remembering the last look in his eyes before he woke up. He knew he had to forget, or maybe he should try moving on or even trying to change so he could get Seung back, but nothing would be ever good enough to make it up for what Hyunseung had to suffer beside him. Nothing could ever make the older forget the pain, the hurt, the emptiness, the loudness, he was sure, and a part of him really hoped it was like that, that Hyunseung would never forget about the time they stayed together.

He opened the book trying to see what was that thing hidden between its weird content. He let the book fall from his hand after taking what was inside. It was a picture of him and Hyunseung, probably take some years ago before their relationship started to fall apart. Junhyung focused on Hyunseung’s looks, he looked beautiful, healthy, glowing. It was so different from the last image he had from the older and he felt a pang in his heart, he knew perfectly that he was the reason behind those purple marks that covered Hyunseung’s body, behind all the cuts and the pain. He was also the reason behind his current state and he couldn’t blame anyone besides him for Hyunseung’s departure. He kept looking at the picture for a while, not even noticing his shaky hands. The music from the cellphone on his pocket made him come back to reality. He didn’t even try to pick up the phone, he let it sound over and over again while he decided that he had to get rid of everything relate to his ex-lover from the house, he was sure there were not much left anyway.

He started looking through all the cabinets and drawers in the living room, then the room and the bathroom. After a while all he could find were a couple of books, a t-shirt they used to share and various pictures that were hidden around the house. He put everything inside a box and closed it, ready to throw them out. He was really convinced this time that he had to get rid of everything in order to forget everything. He didn’t know in which point of his way out he changed his mind and ended up running back home and locking the door, but there he was again, breathing heavily against the door as if he had run a thousand miles and shaking. He made his way towards the bedroom again and put the box in the bed, taking out its content and catching the pictures.

“Seung-ah… I know I should forget you, I know is what I owe you…but can’t you come back to me or at least give me another chance?” Junhyung stared at Seung’s happy face before climbing the bed. He hugged the t-shirt, hoping that some of Seung’s fragrance still lingered, and tried to fall asleep again, the search of alcohol forgotten already.

Our old habits are holding onto us, You’re often unconsciously falling into a nightmare-like world.

He didn’t know how but ended up going out in the middle of the night alone without a destination. He needed the fresh air, or maybe he was following his alcohol craving. He started to walk aimlessly, the streets were filled with the muffled sound of the up-beat music that filled all the buildings at both sides. He didn’t feel like enjoying a party, he rather go to a quieter place to drink alone. He continued walking, leaving the noisy clubs behind and getting to a more isolated part of the city. Unconsciously his feet dragged him towards a more than know pub. He opened the wooden and entered the small room, it was pretty dark outside, as always, but Junhyung managed to reach his usual spot at the bar. The barman looked at him and he looked kind of nervous when he recognized him.

“Junhyung, it’s been a long time. What brings you here?” The bartender looked nervous and started to fidget with the cloth in his hands.

“What brings people usually to your bar, Kikwang? Don’t think it’s the environment cause this place in so many ways” Junhyung scoffed, he was really not in the mood for jokes.

“Yeah, sure…” Kikwang kept looking alternatively to his shaky hands and the back door suspiciously.

“Yah, Lee Kikwang, are you going to give me my drink or will I have to hit you?” Junhyung was tired and irritated and the weird behavior from the bartender was only aggravating it.

Kikwang just nodded and started to prepare his client usual drink, unable to stop eyeing the door. Junhyung was starting to get curious at what was there but forgot about it once the known golden liquid was in front of him. He didn’t even notice Kikwang leaving him alone and running through the backdoor. He kept enjoying his drink slowly, trying not to look around him. But that was proven impossible when he found himself staring intensely at the spot where he had spent a lot of nights laughing and enjoying the company of his lover. He felt his eyes sting and closed them tight to avoid the tears from falling. He drank the rest of his glass and get up, ready to leave, when he heard a strong sound coming from the back of the bar. He ran, worried for Kikwang since he knew the younger was working alone in that bar, but stopped on his tracks after crossing the wooden doors. Instead of Kikwang being attacked he found him pushing someone out while the other was trying hard to oppose.

“What are you doing, Kikwang-ah?” Junhyung asked confused at the scene in front of him.

Both guys froze immediately, both pretty scared of what was about to happen. Kikwang was the first one turning to face the confused Junhyung. The older was able to see the fear in his eyes and became even more confused. He looked at the other boy, the one still with his back facing, and noticed how he was shaking and had his fists clenched. Kikwang moved slightly to cover his vision and started to walk towards Junhyung.

“Hyung, I think we should go back there, it’s just some problem with my new employee, nothing that would require your attention. Just let me serve you another drink, isn’t that why you are here?”

Kikwang kept pushing out Junhyung, while the other just kept trying to see who the shaking boy was. Did Kikwang say new employee? He didn’t know there was someone working with Kikwang, there was not really that much work in that bar to ask for another employee. But he was only able to see the side of the boy’s face and he knew he was seeing wrong since he knew him. He knew that this time whiskey had affected him more than usually since it was not possible for him to be there, in the back of that bar and working for Kikwang. He let the younger pull him towards the bar again and he sat on his spot once again. Kikwang filled his drink and looked at him warily.

“Kikwang, what the was up back there? Who is that kid and why were you dragging him towards the back door? You better start explaining yourself” Junhyung looked intensely at Kikwang and noticed how the other still had a glint of fear inside his brown orbs.

“It’s nothing, hyung, just the new employee doing a mess in my beloved bar. You should not worry about this, it’s just a little internal problem.” Kikwang said trying to avoid looking at Junhyung.

The older was starting to feel really curious about the matter but he was not in the mood to care about others that night so he decided to go back home, maybe after the drinks he would be able to sleep finally. He stood up, paid the bartender and crossed the wooden door again, ready to face the rest of the night. He trembled at the sudden coldness from outside and pull out a beanie and a scarf from his bag, ready to hide himself from the weather. He started to walk back home when a strong noise caught his attention. It came from the back of the bar and Junhyung’s curiosity made him take a look at what was happening. He knew that Kikwang was not a bad guy, or at least he doesn’t look like it, but he was definitely weird today. He walked cautiously and hid himself under the corner, trying to hear the voices at the other side.

“Yah, hyung, I told you to go away!! Why didn’t you follow what I asked you? He could be still here, he was not that drunk but we both know him, he’s unpredictable” Junhyung was able to hear Kikwang’s angered voice at the other side.

“I….I don’t know, Kikwang-ah…Why do I still have to be the one hiding? Why am I still afraid of him? After all he was the one running away, not me. I stood up for once and I thought that maybe he would reply or even hit me…I don’t know, probably even a part of me was hoping for him to come to his senses so we could fix our relationship, but I didn’t expect him to run. And now he appears again in front of me and I froze, I ing froze and even my heart was screaming for me to run to his arms while my brain was yelling at me to punch his face over and over again.” Junhyung listened in silence, clearly recognizing the voice, a voice he was able to differentiate anywhere.

He felt his heart being crushed, listening to him again after all those years was like listening to an angel sing, it was like getting his life back, while his heart was slowly being taken back again. And it was the first time he was hearing him talk about that night, even though they still had friends in common and Junhyung kept going to the same places they used to go, none ever talked about the older, none ever said anything about their relationship or their breakup. Ever since he ran away none has ever talked with him about Jang Hyunseung or his relationship ever. Not that he wanted to talk about it either, but it was true that at times he wanted to know about how the other was doing, if he was seeing other people, if he was healthy, if he was eating well, he wanted to know that he hadn’t ruined the other’s life forever.

“Are…are you thinking of seeing him again?” Junhyung stopped thinking when he heard the tone in Kikwang’s voice.

There was a moment of silence filled with tension at both sides of the corner, 2 of the boys waiting expectantly for the answer, the other looking for the answer on his head, even though it seemed to be none.

“I’m not, Kikwangie” Hyunseung answered with a heavy sigh followed by Kikwang’s own relieve sigh. Junhyung couldn’t help but felt his heart being ripped, his knees started to shake and he ended up falling against the corner’s wall.

Junhyung hid his face against his hands, trying to control the sobs that were threatening to escape from his throat, he couldn’t be found out by the other 2 boys or he would be dead. He heard the bar door being closed and decided to move, he needed to get away from there so Hyunseung couldn’t find him there, he had done enough to the boy already to go into his life once again. He stood up with the help of the wall and started to walk away, his head too full of meaningful memories to go back home now.

I tried everything to forget you, I became better before anyone else. I hoped that you would regret it all when you saw me

He started to walk aimlessly, back into the noisy mess in the more crowded part of the time, trying to find a solution to the mess formed inside his head. Soon enough he found himself in a part of the city he knew very well but that hadn’t seen him in a long while. He stopped in front of one of the noisiest clubs in the zone, a huge building with black walls and neon signs announcing the name of club. He stepped into the dark place, only illuminated by the annoying color lights in the middle of the dance floor. He walked to the bar and noticed a couple of new bartenders, a  pretty girl wearing something resembling a bikini with neon lights attached everywhere and a cute boy that seemed too young to be working in that place. Junhyung quickly forgot about the girl and focused his attention in the boy. He had black hair that shone with the lights coming from the ceiling and he’s skin looked so white and soft, Junhyung felt like touching it and found himself grabbing the bartender hand when he was going probably to serve some clients.

“Name?” Junhyung said to the young boy near his ear just to be sure that he was listening to him. He tried to stay as close to him as possible without really touching him, but just his breath made the bartender shiver.

“Jae…Jaehyo, sir. Want something?” The boy stutter cutely while blushing at the sudden contact.

Junhyung just smirked and let the boy go, staring at him as he made his way towards the end of the club were some clients were waiting to be attended. He saw him stumbling and looking back a couple of times before he was hiding by the crowd. Junhyung took that chance to go upstairs, where he knew the club owner was having his own party. He greeted the bodyguards along the way, everyone still knew Junhyung even though it had been at least a year since he last entered the building, and he was quickly announced to the owner once he was in front of the office door. The door opened and revealed something that resembled more a hotel suite than a real office. The floor was covered in a red carpet while the walls where painted with a light cream color that gave the room an artificial warm feeling. At one side there was a desk covered in bills with a laptop and some bags with white powder and a couple of couches with a coffee table, probably to hold the business meetings. That was the office part of the office and it was just like every other office out there. But what made that office special was the opposite side of the room. A king sized bed with silk blankets in black and red occupied almost the whole room. On the bed there were always at least a couple of boys, occasionally also girls, from every race and ethnicity. And in front of the bed there was a huge armchair made of black leather with a video camera facing the bed, clearly ready to record every single action that may happen in the room.

Junhyung was well aware of the owner’s twisted hobby, he had even participated a couple of times in those wild sessions, and he clearly noticed that there was a new one happening at some point tonight. But he was not going to join this time, there was another matter requiring his attention. He entered the room and, as he had supposed, there was already 2 boys lying almost in the room, both kids were blonde and well-fitted, they were probably sportsmen or dancers. They were already enjoying their while the owner was sitting in the desk typing furiously on his laptop.

“Business problems?” Junhyung said stepping inside the room and trying to get the other’s attention.

“Junhyung hyung… It’s been a long time since you last paid me a visit. What’s the occasion?”

“Can’t I just come to visit my pretty Jihoo once in a while? I just missed my donsaeng…” Junhyung smirked at his donsaeng’s tone and realize that he really needed this tonight. He needed to forget everything at least for tonight, he would face the facts from before after the hangover.

“First, you haven’t been here in almost a year and the last time I saw you, you started to throw all your drugs at me. Second, stop.calling.me.Jihoo” Zico looked up from his laptop and gritted his teeth, clearly irritated.

“Ok, ok, sorry Mr. Zico. I won’t do that again” Junhyung chuckled and feigned defeat.

He walked towards Zico and looked at what the other was doing. He found himself laughing again at what he saw, Zico was just playing a videogame and he was clearly losing. He looked at the laughing mess besides him and closed the laptop irritated. He stood up and get to the bed, where the boys were still playing. He sat in the side and started to the hair of the shorter boy, who started to mewl in pleasure.

“So, what are you doing here? Cause I don’t think you are ing visiting me in this place” Zico asked without losing eye contact with the couple in bed.

“Ok, I needed a distraction today…”Junhyung started while following Zico’s stare.

“Ok…and? You found someone?” Zico caught what Junhyung was saying right from the start, after all Junhyung had been visiting his club every day for over 2 years.

“Yeah…just….” Junhyung found himself at loss of words for the first time ever. He had really lost his practice at this.

“Name?” Zico seemed impatience, even though he didn’t stop looking at the couple and the hair and skin of the boys.

He didn’t answer right away, he kept staring at the boys, he felt himself getting hard little by little. The boys were really beautiful and pretty skilled at what they were doing. The sight was really hypnotizing and Junhyung forgot for a moment why he was there and was about to jump in bed with the duo. But Zico coughed, trying to get his attention back and Junhyung snapped almost breaking his neck. His donsaeng was looking at him with the eyebrows raised and a smirk tugging his lips. Junhyung tried to swallow and found his mouth dry, he his lips and tried to found the words.

“It’s…Jaehyo, I want Jaehyo, the young bartender” He said as fast as he could, he didn’t know why, but he was not as comfortable as before doing this. And his arousal was already starting to hurt, making it harder to stay focused.

“Oh, yeah, he’s pretty new, probably you are the one using him for the first time. You have had always a good taste. Don’t worry, just wait on your usual room, I will have him going there in a second, trust me. But be gentle, he’s really new” Zico chuckled, clearly referring to an internal joke that Junhyung caught immediately.

I’m hot stuff. People like you want to go out with you, The scars you get from pleading; I’ll live my life in a corrupt way

Junhyung paced around the room, clearly impatient. Before going out of the room Zico gave him a couple of condoms and one of those little bags with , he knew that Junhyung was out of practice and probably he was going to need a little help to go through the night. He hesitated at first, he hadn’t taken any drugs for a long time already, but he knew he would need the help and the alcohol wasn’t going to help this time, he hadn’t had the time either. He noticed his hands trembling a little and decided that maybe a shot or two would relax him. He picked up one of the bottles, a bluish liquid filling the container. He poured it on a glass and gulped it in one shot, feeling his head light soon after.

Before he could pour another shot a light knock was heard and the door was opened slowly. At the other side Junhyung saw the young boy, who was looking down. He walked towards the door and grabbed the boy’s thin wrist. That simple contact sent a wave of memories to his brain, a thousand memories he wanted to forget with all his might. He tried to ignore the pain on his heart and pulled the embarrassed boy inside the room. He grabbed his chin and made him look up so he could admire his features with a proper light. His skin was white and soft at the contact and his face was thin, with plum pink lips that he nervously, leaving them moist and very kissable at Junhyung’s opinion. His eyes were two dark orbs that looked so innocent and had a spark of curiosity beneath the embarrassment and they were shaped as two big almonds that gave him an appearance of a child. His face was framed by black hair that really shined against the light in the room. He was blushing profusely but he didn’t utter a word or asked what was happening. Junhyung was sure that the young boy knew why he was there and he was ready to attend all his necessities.

Junhyung kept staring up and down the boy’s face until he stopped in his lips and without hesitation he ravaged the younger’s mouth while the other just jumped in surprise. Junhyung encircled his waist with his free hand so the other couldn’t get away from him. Jaehyo tried to push Junhyung away with his free hand but gave up when he realize the older was stronger than him. Jaehyo shut his eyes tight and just stayed still. Junhyung move to kiss his neck, his jawline, he the shell of his ear and started to his back in circles once he was sure the younger wasn’t going to get away. Junhyung stopped kissing Jaehyo just to throw him to the huge bed next to them, making the other gasp in fear, he was probably told of Junhyung’s past actions so his reaction was not strange to the older. Junhyung took off his t-shirt quickly and got into the bed.

“Take it off” He whispered against Jaehyo’s neck. The other looked at him confused and Junhyung looked up, wondering why the other was not taking his clothes off. “Just take everything off soon, it hurts already”

Jaehyo understood this time what the other was asking him and started to take his t-shirt off. He then started to his pants as fast as possible, only to be stopped by Junhyung midway.

“Slower…do it slowly” He whispered leaving Jaehyo to continue with what he was doing.

The brunette kept ping his pants slowly, while Junhyung enjoyed the sight of his slender fingers grabbing the metal tag. He felt his arousal getting even tighter inside his pants but he endured it just to keep seeing the other moving. Once the zip was undone he started to lower his tight pants, way too tight to be healthy and the milky skin of his tight started to show. Junhyung started to tights and got to the hard member of the younger slowly, making him moan quietly. Junhyung looked at Jaehyo’s blushed cheeks and kept the hard bulge, earning more quiet moans. Jaehyo finished taking off his pants and was going to take off his boxers but Junhyung stopped him once again.

“Mine, now” He commanded and was surprised when Jaehyo stayed all in four and started ping his pants with the teeth.

He kept the younger’s back, trying to not come right there just feeling the wet breath through his boxers. He felt himself already soaking his boxers with precum so he decided it was enough of already. He pushed Jaehyo against the headboard and the other hissed in pain. Before he could even register what was happening he saw Junhyung already over him, pants out of sight and lust filling his eyes. He felt an unknown pain in his lower body and almost screamed, but Junhyung shut him up kissing him hard, tongue crashing against his teeth and saliva falling from their opened mouths. Junhyung started to pierce Jaehyo’s hole in and out, trying to stretch the boy as much as possible. He slowly inserted a second finger, never stopping the kissing and now lightly the aroused member so Jaehyo could forget about the pain a little. He used a third finger to scissor Jaehyo, this time not waiting as much as he should and getting a painful scream in return. But that scream triggered something twisted inside his mind that made Junhyung black out.

“Hyun…nnng….Seung….” He said through his teeth.

He didn’t wait anymore, he didn’t care about hurting the young boy, he quickly inside the boy’s tight hole and ed him without mercy, not worrying about the tears falling down and staining the silk blankets. Junhyung came up quickly and collapsed against the younger, who kept sobbing silently, probably exhausted enough to pass out any moment. Junhyung came back from his trance and realized what he had just done to the poor boy. He looked at him with his eyes wide open and terrified at Jaehyo’s condition. He sat in the bed, his head between his hands and trying to figure out what to do. He noticed movement from his back and turned around to see Jaehyo trying to get away from bed.

“Stop it, don’t move, I’m pretty sure you won’t be able to stay. I’ll ask Zico to call a doctor. I’m….I’m sorry, this was a mistake and I guess you paid for my own problems…Just…let me dress you…Just…sorry” Junhyung bowed slightly, apologizing sincerely for what just happened. He still felt light-headed and even a little nauseous but stood up, gathering his clothes and Jaehyo’s and going to the other side, where the younger was looking at him with a pained face. He kneeled next to the bed border and started to dress him. He did it as slowly and carefully as he could, trying not to move him so much since he was sure he was suffering a living hell of pain. After having the younger dressed completely he took his own clothes and got dressed up. He walked towards the room door, not without looking at the broken boy once more, he needed to say sorry to Zico, he knew that hadn’t been his worse action but he thought he was over that but tonight he was proven wrong, he definitely wasn’t going to be over this ever, and Hyunseung was doing the right thing staying away from him forever.

I Don’t Know What You Done to me

“Yoseob-ah…” Junhyung had just exited the club, the conversation with Zico went better than expected, after all, the club owner was used to that kind of situations. He dialed his best friend’s phone number and almost started crying when he heard him answering.

“What’s wrong, hyung? What has happened?” Yoseob’s worried voice could be heard at the other side of the speaker.

“Yoseob-ah…can…can I come over?” Junhyung felt a lump on his throat and was scared of being unable to speak anymore.

“Yeah, sure, I’m home alone, come here and we can talk it over” Junhyung found himself sighing in relieve before hanging out.

He walked towards Yoseob house, it was far away but he needed the fresh air to clear his clouded head. He strolled at a quick pace, trying to avoid the still noisy streets. The cold weather was making his eyes sting and he tried to hide himself as much as possible behind his scarf. He tried to avoid thinking in what just happened but it was so difficult. He didn’t really remember what happened in the time he out, he only remember the images that flashed in front of him.

                Red doe-eyes

Black

                Milky skin covered in purple

Black

High-pitched screams

Black

“I saw you with her” 

White

And then he came back and he just saw white, white skin over silk blankets, white over milky skin, white light shining over black hair… Everything so white and so tainted at the same time, so wrong, so bad, so cruel, so painful. He was all that, but that young kid didn’t deserve what had happened to him and Junhyung was the only one to blame, once again, for breaking another innocent person. He felt himself quicken his pace and almost running towards Yoseob’s house, he needed to get there if he wanted to stay sane after this night.

After almost half an hour he arrived the younger’s house and started to knock the door desperately. He heard quick steps at the other side of the door and the sound of unlocking. In just a second a worried Yoseob appear behind the door, hair tousled and sleepy face in place. He looked at Junhyung up and down and quickly step aside, letting the other enter the warm of the small house. Junhyung got his winter gear off and head towards the bedroom. He climbed the bed and waited for the younger to join him. Yoseob just covered both with the warm quilt and hugged his friend tight against his chest. He felt Junhyung tremble heavily, and he thought he was cold but then the sobs started to get louder and louder. Yoseob let Junhyung cry his heart out before asking anything, he was there for his friend anyway. He kept caressing his hair and back, trying to soothe him. They spent a long time like that, Yoseob just whispering calming words to Junhyung and Junhyung sobbing and soaking his friend’s chest. Slowly he started to relax himself, even though he kept shivering slightly.

“Can you explain me what did you do to be this messed, Junhyung?” Yoseob asked finally his friend, not out of curiosity but because he knew Junhyung needed to get everything out.

“I…Yoseob-ah…I messed it up again…I saw him tonight…” Yoseob gasped at the statement and made Junhyung look at him.

“Did he saw you, Junhyung? Have you seen each other?” There was fear in Yoseob’s voice and Junhyung didn’t knew if the fear was caused by him doing something to Hyunseung again or by him getting even more wasted because of the encounter.

“No, he didn’t see me. He working with Kikwang now, at least he was working there tonight. He will probably run away to a further place now that he knows that I’m near” Junhyung said lowering his eyes again, embarrassed at everything.

“That’s better” Yoseob sigh in relieve “I don’t think you should see each other yet, I don’t know if he’s ready but you are clearly not. And I bet tonight is a perfect proof of that. You went to Zico’s, right?” Yoseob was kind of irritated. Junhyung was his best friend, but he know all the wrong things he had done, especially towards Hyunseung and after their breakup.

“How do you know?” Junhyung was surprised by Yoseob.

“Junhyung…we have been friends for so long, I know you, I know that look in your eyes after you have been there. And for how wasted you sounded on the phone earlier I guess you have called for someone again…” Yoseob sounded like a mother scolding his son. He really cared for Junhyung and he hated seeing him like that.  “Just tell me everything from the start, you can sleep a little later”

Junhyung breathed deeply a couple of times before starting telling Yoseob about the last couple of weeks, since the moment he started to dream of Hyunseung again until that night, every sentence  causing new memories to appear in front of him and tears kept threatening again. He kept blinking trying to control them, but his voice was shaky and he continued trembling through his whole story. Yoseob just looked at him with a mix of sadness, worry and understanding. He nodded a couple of times while he had his friend’s hands grabbed tightly, trying to give him some warmth and comfort. Junhyung felt much lighter after telling Yoseob everything, his heavy burden was lifted a little,              even though it was still there. But then he started to tell Yoseob about what happened that night and how he ended up breaking Jaehyo and Yoseob started to look at him, at first with anger and then with what looked like fear.

“Junhyung, how could you do that to an innocent kid who just happened to be working in the wrong place?” Yoseob said with a reproachful look. He couldn’t believe his friend do that to a random kid. He knew Junhyung was no saint, but he thought that he was finally moving on. For the first time he realized how much his relationship with Hyunseung was still twisted in some many ways.

He kept looking at Junhyung, clearly waiting for an answer that was going to come sooner or later, Yoseob was sure of that.

“I…I don’t even know… “ Junhyung said trying to avoid Yoseob’s look.

“You do know, Junhyung, just answer, what happened to you?” Yoseob was not going to let the question slip this time.

“He…He looked…Just…” Junhyung was stuttering nervously, his eyes lowered and his shaky hands fidgeting. “Like him…” He whispered almost inaudibly.

“Him…you mean Hyunseung?” Junhyung cringed at the name and Yoseob knew he had guessed right. “You mean that kid looked like Hyunseung and that’s why you ended up ing him without mercy?” Yoseob asked incredulously, not believing what he was hearing.

“Please…just don’t say his name.” Junhyung was really tired, he wanted to disappear, he wanted to be forgotten by the world the same way Hyunseung was ready to forget about him.

Yoseob didn’t say anything more, he started to wonder about what he had just heard. Maybe it was time for them to really do something but, were they ready to contact each other? And, more importantly, would the rest agree with him in this? He was sure that he would end up convincing Kikwang, but what about Doojoon? If there was someone who was going to protect Hyunseung until the end that was him, he was going to be hard to convince. While he was thinking on how to make his plan work out Junhyung closed his eyes and let himself go to dreamland without further talking, he was surely tired and he probably needed to sleep something if he was going to be fixed in some way or another.

You, who let me go with your own hands Don’t ever look back, not even one last time

Junhyung woke up that morning alone at Yoseob’s house. The younger probably went to work but left him the breakfast readied along with a change of clothes. Junhyung took a shower, trying to get rid of the dirt he felt covering his body, and had his breakfast. He left the house letting only a “thank you” note behind. He had a long way walking until his house but he felt like strolling there. He decided to walk through the park nearby, even though it would take longer, he used to love that park some time ago but it has been a long time since he last walked through it. Even though it was winter the park was still beautiful, it was not so covered in snow so he could walk easily, but there were little patches of white in the grass at each side of the path. He was really enjoying the sight until he bumped against another person walking. They bowed quickly at the same time, causing them to crash once again. Junhyung took a step back and bowed again, this time without another incident. But when he heard the apologizing voice he froze, not even daring to stand up. He automatically turned around and kept walking, only to stop some steps away. He turned around once again, internally praying for him not to turn around, but with his heart yelling him to call the other before it was too late. Maybe bumping into each other two times in a row was a sign, right? But before he could answer his internal question he was surprised by a couple of doe-eyes looking back at him and a pair of plum lips mouthing his name in silence.

If you do, I will believe your thoughts are similar to mine

Junhyung stood where he was, just staring back at Hyunseung while Hyunseung was looking at him with a cryptic mixture of feelings. They stayed like that for a while, just a couple of meters separating them. Junhyung couldn’t suppress a tiny smile from tugging his lips up, that smile reaching his eyes for once in a long, long time. But Hyunseung didn’t match his smile, he just stared with the lips pressed in a thin line, not knowing what to do at the moment.

“Hyunseungie, what are you…” They heard a voice from behind Junhyung approaching.

“Doojoonie…let’s go, we are going to be late and you know Yoseob” Hyunseung said nervously, clearly expecting Doojoon to not look at Junhyung, since he was only seeing his back at the moment.

Junhyung saw how Hyunseung approached him, just to grab Doojoon’s hand and pull him quickly outside the park, not letting Junhyung to even register what just happened. Junhyung stood there, looking at the place where just minutes ago his ex-lover was standing, trying to figure out what he was feeling and what the other had felt when their stares meet. He was not even sure himself of what feelings filled his heart, probably guilt and love but there was something more…hope? Faith? He only hoped there was nothing like that, since he knew for sure that any of those feelings were going to be crushed hard if they meet again.

Making a promise together, Forever (I’ll keep it here)

He found a dry bench near and sit there, not ready to go home and trying to control the urge of looking for Hyunseung. He shouldn’t do it, he knew he had to stay away from the older, he should just disappear forever. He sat there for who knows how long until he was distracted by phone ringing. He saw Yoseob’s name in the screen and remembered Hyunseung saying something about meeting the younger.

“Junhyung? Where are you?” Yoseob sounded happier than the day before, probably product of meeting Hyunseung and Doojoon earlier.

“I’m near your house, in the park. Why?” Junhyung was curious, Yoseob never calls him, he’s probably even uncomfortable with him even though they are still best friends, especially after the events from the previous night.

“I need you to meet me in the café next to my building, you know which one, right?”

Junhyung just replied that he knew and Yoseob hanged out. Junhyung heard voices at the other side of the speaker, but he didn’t recognize them. He stood up and exited the park, walking fast towards the café. He was curious about what Yoseob wanted to tell him, he thought he wasn’t going to see his friend in a long time but he was calling him just some hours later since the last time. He entered the cafeteria and looked for Yoseob, just to find him almost in the last table at the far end. He walked straight to his friend and took a seat in front of him. Yoseob had a huge grin plastered and Junhyung started to look suspiciously at him.

“And? What’s the occasion?” Junhyung said impatiently.

“Just…can you wait here, I’ll be back in a second” Yoseob stood up quickly, almost tripping over the table, and dashed out of the cafeteria, leaving a dumbfounded Junhyung sitting there alone.

But since he was asked to wait and he owed one to the younger because of the previous night, he decided to follow the orders and just stood there, looking back from time to time to see if he could spot Yoseob coming back. He started to get bored and looked through the window, seeing the people walking by. It slowly started to rain, not so heavily but enough to get the passers-by soaked. The street started to get empty and the darkness from the clouds started to make him moody. He stood up, decided to leave since there was no way Yoseob was coming back with that weather, when he bumped against someone…once again.

“ my life, what’s wrong with me today?” He mumbled caressing his pained forehead.

“Are you ok? Sorry for being late.” Junhyung looked up since he wasn’t able to believe what he just heard.

And he couldn’t believe what he was seeing anymore. There he was, at just centimeters away, glowing like always but way prettier than the last time they saw each other this close. He was wearing a pair of nerdy glasses and a red beanie that let part of his black hair be seen. His cheeks looked blushed, probably from the cold outside, and his eyes still had that mixture of emotions he saw hours later in the park. Hyunseung walked to the spot where Yoseob was sitting before and motioned him to sit as well.

“Yoseob is not coming back, if that’s what you are wondering” Hyunseung said looking at him with an emotionless tone.

“Ah…” Junhyung was in shock. He wasn’t able to get notice of what was happening. He couldn’t believe he was sitting in front of Hyunseung, his Hyunseung.

“That’s all you have to say? It seems like since the last time you have become mute” Hyunseung kept talking with that emotionless tone, even kind of icy. Junhyung found himself shivering at the ice in Hyunseung’s tone and thinking that maybe meeting him was not a good idea.

“I…You…why are you…here?” Junhyung didn’t even know how he was even talking, he didn’t have the right to talk to someone like Hyunseung, he probably didn’t have the right to talk with another human being in the rest of his life.

“I guess it’s pretty evident…Yoseob asked, or better said begged, me to talk with you.” Junhyung noticed how Hyunseung didn’t even looked at him once since he arrived.

“Yeah…kind of…”

“How is Hara?” Junhyung was interrupted by the sudden question.

“Who?” He didn’t even know if he was hearing correctly, why was Hyunseung asking for someone he hadn’t seen in 3 years?

“Yeah, Hara, your girlfriend? Or have you found yourself a new girl to spend the cold winter nights?” Hyunseung was looking through the window and Junhyung noticed how he his fist were clenched beneath the table.

“I haven’t. And I haven’t seen Hara in 3 years” Hyunseung looked at Junhyung for the first time and Junhyung sighed in relieve while he saw some kind of emotion reflected in Hyunseung’s features. He was clearly more afraid of his icy tone than any kind of emotion he could display.

“Oh, that’s a good thing, I guess you decided that being gay was more interesting than dating girls.” Hyunseung looked away once again.

“I…Hyunseung, I know I have been pretty ed up lately…I know I had ed up us since the start but, I don’t know…I just…”

“Don’t you dare ask for my forgiveness, Junhyung” The younger flinched when he heard his name escaping from Hyunseung’s lips. “I don’t think you ever regret what you did to me…You may regret losing me now, but you haven’t feel sorry for what you did even once. I have been in contact with Yoseob all these years, he has told me everything you did and you just proved me that I did the right thing getting away from you. I know you are ed up, I know you are a mess of a person, I have suffered and I have endured everything because I love you, but don’t you dare take me as a fool or a stupid, cause I’m not falling in your trap once again”

Junhyung opened the mouth to say something, but closed it again when he saw the spiral of feelings in Hyunseung’s eyes. Junhyung felt himself getting lost in the brown orbs of the other and this time the older didn’t avert his gaze. They stood like that for what seemed an eternity, just trying to decipher what was behind each other’s gaze.

“Hyunseung-ah…I just wanted…I wasn’t going to ask for your forgiveness, I know I don’t deserve it, I know I lost that right the moment I stopped protecting you but…there’s only one thing I would like to say to you. I will forever keep my promise, no matter where you are, I will always keep it.” Junhyung stood up and walked through the cafeteria without looking back. He really believed that he didn’t deserve Hyunseung’s forgiveness, he wouldn’t even dare asking for it, but he would be sure to stick to the promise he once made to him.

                “Hyunseung-ah, you know I will always look only at you, right?” Junhyung said against Hyunseung’s ear, who has siting with his back pressing the younger’s chest.                 “Yah, Jun-ah, why so cheesy out of a sudden?” Hyunseung chuckled, happy that they were enjoying a nice night outside for once.                 “Say whatever you want, but this is the only promise I can make to you, I will love you only, for the rest of my life” He said solemnly, earning another quiet laugh from the older, who just nodded and turned his head to peak him lightly in the lips.

                Even though I might end up walking this road alone for a while I will show you my everything

Junhyung walked under the rain, not even caring about the cold weather and just enjoying the feeling of the heavy drops against his skin. He started to whistle a random melody while he kept walking, not caring about the looks he was receiving from the rest of the passers-by. Out of a sudden he felt his wrist being grabbed and he was dragged under a roof. He looked at who had dragged him just to find Hyunseung completely soaked and with puffy eyes and a running nose.

“Babo, what are you doing running in the middle of the rain?” He yelled trying to control his shaky voice.

“Me? And you?! You know you get ill easily! What were you thinking, babo!” Junhyung yelled back, looking worriedly at the other’s condition.

“You can’t throw that at me and expect me to stay still!! Who do you believe you are? You can’t come and say that to me suddenly!” Hyunseung started to sob and tried to stop his running nose cutely with his fist.

“But why are you crying?” Junhyung looked curiously at Hyunseung, not really getting what was happening.

“Junhyung…I don’t think…I really don’t think I’m ready, you have a lot of explaining to do, but I’m willing to wait, I’m willing to give you another chance to be friends if you can change.”

Junhyung grinned, he knew he shouldn’t, he knew he had to tell Hyunseung that was impossible, they couldn’t be friends, they shouldn’t be together ever again, he knew that was what he needed to say, he needed to be mature and tell Hyunseung that was so twisted and wrong. But he was not going to do it, because he wanted to try, he wanted to prove to himself and the rest of the world that he was worth the wait.

                He was worth of getting his love back, it didn’t matter if he had to walk by himself for a little longer.