I put a bandage on my hand for the time being and just told everyone at work but I had been doing the dishes and I dropped a glass and managed to cut my hand a little bit picking it up. I got called clumsy boy all day but it didn’t bother me all that much, at least they didn’t know it was out of anger. You never know they might have became a little scared of me and wouldn’t treat me so much as I child but probably not, they would probably just laugh because I got mad at my brother like a 5 year old.

Minho took me aside to ask how my day off was and how my hand was

“yeah it’s fine, I think I was just a little tired and managed to lose grip of the plate, silly really and it isn’t even that bad” I said calmly so that he didn’t think that I was lying and so he wouldn’t make a big deal out about it either

“I’m glad it’s not a big wound and I’m glad you cleaned it up and covered it, wouldn’t want you getting an infection or anything, would be dreadfully painful, anyway, how was your hangover yesterday? You drank a lot so I suppose it was a bad one haha?”

I swung my eye contact away from Minho and looked at the door. I couldn’t look him in the eyes. All I could think about was me thanking him for being alive and I would begin to cringe.

“yeah it was pretty rough, don’t remember much though from the night apart from it was pretty good”

“yeah it was a great night! I had lots of fun and it seems like you did too! You danced and everything, which you were amazing at! I had never seen someone move like that before, it was like you were one of them idols in a group, and then I took you home and we sang a little song haha, then when you got home you lay down, said a few words and then went to bed after a glass of water”

“said a few words?” I repeated in my head. I didn’t want to say it out loud because then he might go in and explain it but if I leave it like this and just let it end like that then he won’t continue it and I don’t need to explain why I said such things

“ahh well at least you had fun too! Sorry that you had to carry me home and deal with my singing haha”

Minho smiled politely “it was no problem, I’m just glad you got in safe, it gets crazy at night, that’s why I usually don’t go out drinking too late haha, well I’ll let you get on with your work and please go get a check up on you hand just so they can clean it for you properly and stuff okay? I will let you leave early if you want” I nodded and thanked him for letting me leave an hour early.

Thank god he didn’t bring up the things that were said, now we can just leave it and forget about it, if I can.

I don’t know what it was but when I was around Minho I always get this weird overwhelming feeling, I don’t even know if it’s a good things or a bad thing, it’s like I feel safe in my environment and nothing can harm but I feel scared of myself, but I don’t’ understand how, it’s like I’m going to ruin something or mess something up. I admit I would feel so embarrassed If I messed up in front of Minho, he’s like my boss in a sense and I would just die on the spot if I let him down. I don’t mind letting the other staff down, in all honesty I couldn’t care less but I would hate to see Minho look at me in total disappointment. That would be the end of me. I wouldn’t be able to look at him again or talk to him.

Over the past few weeks after that I didn’t see Minho a lot, he was attending meetings often and I didn’t get a chance to talk to him, even for a moment. Each time I would go to approach him, someone would come over and take him away to talk to him. It first it didn’t bother me all that much, meeting are meetings but after a week, not talking to him, seeing him and so on, it began to frustrate me. What if I needed him for something? What if a member of staff was being too harsh on me? Who could I talk to if I needed help with a bit of paper work? It’s like he abandoned me.

Each night when I got home I would go straight to bed, didn’t even bother with any paper work or homework I had for my courses. I felt so empty not having his company with me during the day. I even worked over time because I thought it meant I might see him, which I did but he was in his office working on a power point for a meeting he had the next day so I knew I couldn’t just go in and pester him, I’ll admit being able to at least see him put me at ease.

On my way home from uni I would see my brother walking around with a woman or someone he worked with. Like a child I would hide behind a bin or go into a shop and wait till he walked by and wouldn’t see me. It’s like he was everywhere which was making me feel more nervous and anxious about things. I was seeing less of Minho and more of my brother, something I definitely didn’t want. My brother was always smiling at someone and talking nicely. Everyone must of thought he was so charming and lovely ha, if they only knew the selfish and coldhearted person I knew. Shaking my thoughts from my head and making my way home I started to think

“why am I so bothered by not being able to talk to Minho? He’s only someone I work with, why would him being around concern me so much?”

As I ventured through my thoughts I tried to come to a conclusion, maybe I depend on him so much? Maybe I’m just so used to seeing him around so much that it’s put me out of place, but why would I be angry about it? Why would I be this frustrated? I felt like a little boy that has had his toy taken away from him and given to someone else. “That belongs to me, how dare you take it?” is how I felt but Minho didn’t belong to me, why would we? And why would I feel that way? I felt so confused. My head was filling up with all these ideas and I couldn’t pick a satiable answer for anything.

These thoughts went around my head over and over again every day when I walked him, from university, from work, from the shops; anywhere. I wanted to know why I felt this way. I had never felt like it before towards anyone, I’d never been particularly bothered by someone’s absence in my life for example, my brother. He’s never here and if anything it makes me happier. When a friend would be off sick from school I would ask about the rest of my friends and see if they are okay to be polite and then get on with my day as if they were there.

Peoples existence never made any difference to me, if someone was there beside me, or I was abandoned, I wouldn’t act or feel any different but now I do. Not having Minho talking to me for this long was making my head ache and make my chest get tight and hurt. It’s like I missed him.

After 3 weeks of my brother returning I hadn’t seen him since he was in my apartment. I kept seeing him everywhere though, everywhere I went, if he wasn’t walking around, he would be on the train I’m on and I would sit there with a huge Chinese newspaper over my face. I couldn’t read it but the man who was beside me had gotten up and left it so I would use it. It’s always the same people every day you see anyway.

There was a few times he would catch a glips of me and shout after me but I would pretend not to hear him and continue where I was going. That’s when I started to mute my earphones and still have them in, so then I could listen out for him and hear if he comes running after me so I could make a quick break for it, also so it could look like I wasn’t ignoring him and he couldn’t complain if he does catch me. I know it seems childish to you and I even admit that it is but if you could feel the anger I feel when I see him, hear him or even hear his name mentioned, you would understand why I would go out my way to make sure I don’t bump into him.

My anxiety ran overly high because hyung was home, I know it wasn’t going to be for too long but he was in the same area as was me so I couldn’t think straight. And adding to my anxiety was Minho, because I hardly seen him it was making me anxious. It’s not like a actually needed him for anything but it’s was as if I couldn’t ease my mind, I needed him to talk to and spend time with; an essentiality. 

I started to do my paper work to take my mind off of things and would drink some green tea. Now and again I would phone my mum and ask how she has been. This would surprise her because I would never usually phone and even more so to find out how she was but as soon as I heard my brother’s voice in the background I would make up and excuse so I could go. She has been offering me to go to the house and have dinner with all the family but I couldn’t think of anything more uncomfortable if I tried. My father has gotten to the stage where he doesn’t even bother with me all that much anymore; as long as I was still going to university and going to work he didn’t really take an interest in me at all; mainly this is because I am the second son so I’m just seen as the one that can do well but won’t be as acknowledged as the eldest. This isn’t something that frustrates me all that much, I’m not the type to go looking for attention or to have a good report card put up on the fridge or anything like that. What bothers me is the fact that they have put so much faith into my brother and that they have went out their way to do things for him. For example, to get into college there was a college fee, they worked hard and paid for all of his and all they got a “oh thank you!” whereas with me they paid mine and then I had to work to pay them back. I didn’t care that they asked for the money back because they went out their way to get me into college and I paid them back everything without a complaint but my brother? Just a thank you? I thanked my parents and then told them a huge speech saying how well I will do and I would pay them back fast. But the main thing that annoys me about it all is that they don’t care if my brother doesn’t apprentice them, they don’t even know if he loves them, they just see that he is here and he has a future and that is all they care about, which yes most parents do but they only do this because he’s the first son. With me? If I am disrespectful, lazy, underappreciating in any way I get told to be more respectful and more like my brother. I just don’t understand.