Sunday

The feeling of being suffocated wakes Xiumin. He opens his eyes to wide white walls. His throat burns. He tries to get up. His head splits into million pieces that made him instinctively grab at his face. Then he realizes he is shaking.

“You okay there?”

Xiumin almost jumps at the sight of Kris in the doorway.

 “You want some aspirin? There’s some – well you know your way around here so . . .” he trails off as he puts on a white shirt.

“What am I doing here?” Xiumin says in a weak voice as he forces himself to sit up.

“Wasted, aren’t you?”

Xiumin tries to stand but realizes his legs cannot hold him so he sits back down on the bed.

“How did I get here?”

“I practically carried you from the bar, actually.”

“I mean--- but---I was in the field last night and I think I collapsed and-“

“Ha dude, you were with me in the bar last night. Wow, are you still drunk? I guess Baekhyun’s second shot is strong huh?”

“Baekhyun? What are you talking about?”

“The bartender? From last night? Dude, wake up.” Kris rests his hand on Xiumin’s shoulder.

“No, I don’t have time for this,” Xiumin tries to brush Kris away. “I need to go. Luhan, he’s…I have to go.” As the words come out of his mouth, Xiumin feels a rush of desperation and fear washing all over him.

 “Oh please not this again.” Kris says kneeling down in front of Xiumin and taking both of his hands into his.

“What are you doing? I need to go.” Xiumin jerks away.

Kris wraps his hands on either side of his shoulders and forces Xiumin to look at him.

“Look Xiumin, Luhan is not dead. It was just a bad dream.”

Xiumin’s mouth crack open, “Nononono. How dare you say that?!” Xiumin thinks – how dare he insult Luhan’s death.  By the crazy look on Xiumin's eyes, Kris recoils a little but he tries again to get hold of his hands and put some sense into him.

“Let me go!” Xiumin struggles to get free.

“Jesus Xiumin!” Kris has to stand up to tame Xiumin’s flailing arms. “It was just a dream. Are you ing kidding me?!”

“Let me go!” Xiumin is now full on trashing at Kris. When his hand hits Kris’s face, Kris lost it and he pins Xiumin down to the bed. 

“No, no, Luhannn!” Xiumin screams voice cracking with the beginning of a sob.

Kris has to pause a moment on top of Xiumin to bite back some of his anger. When he gets up, Xiumin does not show any sign of fighting anymore as he just continues to cry.

Kris looks down at him with anger and pity, “Go! Go to Luhan! I don’t even know why I’m stopping you. Go and see for yourself that your Luhan isn’t ing dead!”

“God! Pull your together Xiumin. All because of a dream.”

Xiumin thinks, It’s not just a dream, it’s real or maybe he said it out loud because Kris answers with “You know what’s real?” in a strong voice that stresses almost every single word, “What’s real, is that I just spent the whole night,” punctuated by ragged breaths “holding you in my arms while you cry” and quivering lips “over somebody else”.

Kris tightens his jaw and swallows back his emotions, “So please pull yourself together because I can’t take any more of this .”

A moment of silence passes containing only sobs that are bitten back down by either or both of them.

When Xiumin says in a raspy voice,

“I’m sorry”

it the anger out of Kris leaving an inexplicable feeling of loneliness. Maybe these two feelings always reside inside him, together, but the one more dominant than the other he never realize he’s actually feeling both.

Kris sits down beside Xiumin. Xiumin finds his hand and the gesture is a reiteration of the earlier apology but somehow stronger than the actual words.

Kris lies down and for the last time, holds Xiumin in his arms - Xiumin spooned against his chest and between Xiumin’s deep uneven breath and Kris’s shallow ones, the heaving of their chests never synchronize.

But just like last night, Kris holds him.

Just like last night, Kris tells himself this better be the last.

Later when it’s time for Xiumin to leave, he almost forgot his watch but Kris reminded him.

-

Xiumin is not running away, he is running forward and to him, it makes a lot of difference – it gives him a purpose, a direction, and that direction leads him in front of Luhan’s door.

As he knocks, tentatively at first, a fear of no one answering grows on him. He imagines himself knocking here forever; refusing to believe that there is nothing behind the closed door.  The knocks become insistent and pleading. He holds his breath. How many knocks can he make before his breath ran out?

Then he hears it, or fells it, the doorknob turning, the door opening. He releases the breath he is holding. He does not have to run anymore he tells himself as he collapses on Luhan’s arm.

-

When he opens his eyes, Luhan is the first person that he sees, sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for him to wake up. Xiumin immediately grabs his hand to assure himself that this is real.

“What happened to you?”

He does not answer but just stares at Luhan’s face.

“I made you breakfast.” Luhan turns to leave but Xiumin tugs at his hand, “No, don’t go.”

Luhan looks back at him with concern, “Xiumin you just fainted on me. When’s the last time you eat?”

“I don’t know. I don’t care.”

“What’s happening to you? You’re scaring me.” As the concern in Luhan’s face intensifies, Xiumin racks his brain for any explanation that will make some sense just to ease Luhan from all the worries.

“I think, I’m having or had a pre-graduation anxiety attack?”

Luhan sighs but continues to study him.

“I’m fine Luhan. Just---come up here.”  He draws Luhan in and has to pull at his hand twice before Luhan starts to move.

Although he seems reluctant, Xiumin smile when Luhan climbs over him to be on the other side of the bed. Luhan likes being on the left side. They fall into each other with certain strangeness at first then warm familiarity indicating how this is something that has been missed and it’s all Xiumin’s fault. He knows it and wants to kick himself for it. With Luhan resting his head on his chest and Xiumin’s hand wrapped around him, Xiumin feels his strength being regained; he needs to be stronger when someone else is leaning on him. He can’t up now.

“I’m sorry I’ve been distant, these past few days.”

It takes 3 inhales – Xiumin counts - before Luhan answers, “It’s an awful feeling, missing someone when they’re right there. It’s like you’ve gone somewhere I can’t follow.”

“I’m sorry to put you through that

 and thank you for being patient. I will not let it happen again.”

Luhan does not answer; Xiumin can feel him swallowing hard.

Just a few days ago, Xiumin was quickly on his way to plummet down the mistake of thinking so much about what would happen next while failing to fully appreciate what is happening. He always wanted to be one step forward when he is only being neither there nor here. And it shouldn’t matter, really, except there is Luhan he is leaving behind.

And this is where he realized how much of a moron he is, misled by his own fear of sinking away stagnant and insignificant. Luhan has done enough of chasing after him, it is not Luhan who is running slowly but it is Xiumin who is running fast and now is the time for him to slow down and even take some steps back to be where Luhan is.

Maybe his future is vague but one thing is for sure, he wants Luhan in it, a reality that he has been scared to admit. So he makes this promise, not only for Luhan but also for himself:

“I will never leave your side again.”

And really they are just words spoken, but never has Xiumin given so much in his life.

“Don’t make promises like that.” Luhan slightly tugs at their intertwined hands like a warning.

“But I want to. I realized it’s what I’m afraid of, what I’m running away from. But I’m no longer afraid. I want to make you a promise Luhan.”

“Nononono,” Luhan mutters like a prayer.  “I don’t need it.

Maybe you want it today,

maybe it’s true today

but there will come a time when you will break it

or I will ask you to break it

and that promise will just  become a lie.”

“Maybe. But I want you to have this day Luhan. This day when I promised you forever.”

“No,” Luhan protests as he starts to shed silent tears on their intertwined fingers.

-

Xiumin and Luhan enter the shop holding hands with Luhan on the lead tugging him along like always. The smell of tea in the air is so strong and sweet, you can probably taste it if you stick your tongue out.

“What took you so long? We were already planning on leaving,” Jongdae says upon seeing them.

When the two sit down unnecessarily close to each other, Kyungsoo eyes them with apprehension and gives a very rare look of approval to Xiumin which Xiumin returns with a smile.

“So, have you heard of the news?” Junmyeon pipes up.

“What news?”

“Do you know that Jongin is coming back?”

Xiumin almost utter a “yes”, but the word got stuck in his throat as he remembers that, no, he does not know Jongin is coming back.  There is no way for him to know.

“Really? Is that possible? I thought he was dismissed?” Luhan asks oblivious to Xiumin’s sudden disquiet.

“He was readmitted,” Jongdae answers. “He called just now asking if there is a vacancy in the dorm and if we still want him back we should put a yellow ribbon on the front door, you know…”

“Just like from that song,” Jongdae says as Xiumin echoes a past conversation, “Just like from that song.”

“Yes, exactly!” Jongdae affirms as Xiumin thinks back, no he is not echoing a past conversation but a conversation from a dream.

“Just like from that song”

“Hyung! aren't you gonna welcome me back?”

“What made you think that knowing is the answer to everything”

- an image of an hourglass pendant –

Everything is just a dream Xiumin

Xiumin tries to silently and desperately reassure himself.

“Are you okay?” Luhan asks and Xiumin returns him a brave smile.

Because now, he has a promise to keep. He will not leave Luhan again. Not a dream, not the past will remove him from today. He will not run away. He will refuse to believe anything; he will lie to himself like everything is normal, if that’s what it takes for him to stay. He grabs Luhan’s hand from under the table. When Luhan smiles at him, he allows himself to be completely deceived.

-

They are probably the only souls within the next 500 meters – Xiumin, Luhan, Jongdae, Junmyeon, Kyungsoo and Jongin. They are at the edge of the lake behind the dormhouse. The lake is off-limits to students but every year, freshmen students from the nearby dorm are thrown in here as a welcome ritual from the upperclassmen.  But tonight is not a welcome, but a welcome back for Jongin, the readmitted student and a goodbye for Xiumin and Luhan, the graduating students.

They are only illuminated by the full moon and a smoky bonfire but the night is warm and bright.

Xiumin is sitting behind Luhan, his hands joined at Luhan’s stomach. Junmyeon and Jongdae are sitting next to each other, shoulders brushing and – Xiumin and Luhan suspect – holding hands under a newspaper.

Kyungsoo is chanting, “Dan dan di la dan dan dila dila” with a crazy wave of the arms and everyone join in “Dan dan di la dan dan dila dila”, because Jongin is peeing in the bushes and this chant is used to further embarrass someone when they are in the middle of their embarrassing moments, unlucky incidents, stupid acts, and other misfortunes.

“Shut up!” Jongin shouts from behind the bushes, “My pee is getting shy and I need to go so bad it hurts!”

Xiumin can feel Luhan’s laugh vibrating from his back and he finds himself laughing too. Luhan nudges him pointing to Jongdae and Junmyeon whose joined hands are now in clear view as Junmyeon tosses the newspaper to the dying bonfire. Luhan, with a smile on his face, leans his head back down Xiumin’s shoulder and Xiumin gives him a trail of kisses from the temple, ear, cheek, jawline, down to the neck then back up again.

“You know what, I realized something!” Jongin suddenly appears.

Taking a piss is really an effective time for contemplation,” Jongdae remarks which Jongin ignores.

“I realized out of all us here, Luhan hyung is the only one who hasn’t experienced being thrown in the lake,” Jongdae’s grin is full of mischief as he solicits agreement from the others.

“Ah, why are you suddenly targeting me?” Luhan drapes Xiumin’s arms over him for protection.

Everyone is now agreeing on how right Jongin is,

“You know he has a point Luhan”

“You are practically a dormmate anyway”

“Let’s just make it official”

As everyone starts closing in on them, Luhan sinks more into Xiumin as a last defense. Xiumin wraps him in an obligatory protective hug but he can’t help but laugh at his impending doom.

“Hold down the boyfriend!” Jongin orders and Xiumin has his arms being pulled away by Kyungsoo and Jongdae as Jongin and Junmyeon hoist up a struggling Luhan.

“No! How dare you do this! I’m your hyung! You bastards!” Luhan screams while being dragged to the lake in apparent belief that he can get away by insulting his capturer.

Xiumin is now on his feet, with Kyungsoo and Jongdae still on either side of him holding his arms, both chanting “Dan dan di la dan dan dila dila”.

Luhan’s scream fills the empty air as he is thrown horizontally into the waters. He comes back up, sputtering, to everyone’s applause.

Then chaos starts as Jongin pushes Junmyeon into the lake while Kyungsoo and Jongdae team up on pushing Xiumin in.

Splash. The water is warmer than what Xiumin remembers.

Splash. That must be Kyungsoo.

Splash. Jongdae.

Splash. Jongin with a “Wooohoooo!”

Xiumin is wiping his eyes from all the splashing when someone from under the water grabs at his leg, then his . He kicks at - he assumes could only be - Luhan, but his legs only hit empty waters. 

Luhan emerges smiling with glee and it should have been a wider smile if he's not biting at his lower lip a little.

It shouldn't have taken the moonlight being reflected by the water into Luhan's face- into Luhan's eyes, for Xiumin to realize it, but he's glad he's seeing it now: that Luhan is breathtakingly beautiful.

"Why are you staring?"

Xiumin answers with a smile although his chest feels like erupting and he's actually finding it hard to breath.

From his chest, to his lips, words gradually flow out as fluid as water creating echoes as tangible as the ripples in the lake:

"You’re beautiful"

And even then, his chest still feels swelling up. But what is left to be said? So he just adds:

"Luhan"

Luhan bites at his lower lip again, this time harder as he slowly wades into him and it feels automatic when they reach for each other - Xiumin's hand on Luhan's neck, the other on the small of his back, Luhan's hand on Xiumin's collar, the other on his waist. 

Luhan leans in first and Xiumin watches as he slowly and ever slightly tilts his head and closes his eyes before the kiss.

Xiumin kisses him back softly and slowly as if he's kissing water without his lips breaking the surface. It is not a deep kind of kiss, only lips against lips, a kind of kiss that lingers even when they have to part, a fraction of a millimeter for a fraction of a second, to tilt their heads to the opposite sides. It is such a sweet slow kiss that Xiumin thinks they can probably go on forever until they sink together to the bottom of the lake -

“Dan dan di la dan dan dila dila!”

They break the kiss amidst the chanting splashing of water. Their friends are now around them chanting and splashing water all over their faces.

“Dan dan di la dan dan dila dila!”

Luhan is screaming protests and threats while hiding his face on the crook of Xiumin’s neck and Xiumin has to endure the water in his eyes while struggling to keep them both afloat.

“Dan dan di la dan dan dila dila!”

But in this moment there is nothing embarrassing, unlucky, stupid, or misfortunate. In this moment, he exists.

-

Xiumin manages to close the dormroom door without breaking their kiss. He pushes Luhan up the closed door, Luhan grunts a little against his mouth. Inner thigh skim against sides, hands grab at asses and backs, fingers clutch at the nape of the neck, palms against chest, fingers running wildly through the hair, breaths through each other’s mouths, eager fingers pulling up shirts and ping pants.

When Xiumin pushes Luhan, not so softly, down the bed, Luhan manages to ask before Xiumin’s lips are on his again: “Why the rush?” and Luhan proceeds on smiling through their kiss.

“Who laughs during ?”

“I’m not laughing.”

So Xiumin smears away the smile on his lips with a fervent kiss. He kisses Luhan like he has never kissed him before and Luhan melts into the kiss with the same new-found intensity. Forget kissing water, this is kissing fire.

This is an urgency that means cramming more moments into a minute, more kisses in a second. Xiumin is not in a hurry, he just wants more.

Monday

Monday is supposed to be an important day but Xiumin seems to have forgotten about it when he wakes up with Luhan in his arms. This is how – Xiumin thinks - all Mondays and all the other days should start. He kisses Luhan on the cheek deliberately trying to wake him up and Luhan has to hide his face on the pillow, whining about how early it is to get up.

“Luhan, it’s like 10 AM already.”

Xiumin reaches over him to check his phone for the time but is surprised to see multiple text messages from his thesis adviser.

Last minute changes. Your presentation should be condensed to 25 min…..

Xiumin puts away his phone not bothering to read the rest of the messages. He feels his stomach sinking, and he can’t see it but can feel himself draining color.

This is a coincidence.

Feeling him tensing up beside him, Luhan turns to look at him.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just. My adviser texted about some last minute changes to my presentation,” he says as he climbs over Luhan out of the bed.

“ that .”

Just then Luhan’s phone starts to ring.

“It’s Dad,” he announces as he answers the phone in Mandarin and continues the conversation outside.

Xiumin stares after Luhan, his voice gradually ebbing away. He opens his laptop trying hard not to think too much, if he does, he might throw up. He tries to distract himself by editing his presentation and when he finds himself editing it with ease as if he has done it before, he does not know whether to give himself a mental kick or mental high-five.

Luhan comes back in the room and leans back on the closed door, hands folded in his back. Xiumin can see him in the corner of his eye but he does not turn to look at him when he asks, “What did your dad say?”

“He--- he wants me---he needs me to go home,” Luhan stammers a little.

Xiumin slowly grabs at his forehead. “When?” He asks in a low voice.

“Today”

And with that simple word, Xiumin feels his temperature drop as if he immersed himself in a tub of ice. He starts to loose feelings in his fingers, then his toes, then his stomach and his head feels like shrinking.

“No, Luhan” when the words come out of him it is as if he vomited them.

He can skirt any other things that are otherwise to what he wants to believe. But not this one. He can’t let Luhan go, not this time.

“There is a problem of some sort in the company, and they need me back to-“

“Luhan! You can’t.”

Luhan seems to be taken aback. “Look, Xiumin” he says edging himself from the door. “I understand you’re upset-“

“No.I’m not upset. You can’t go, at least not today”

Luhan takes a step backward when Xiumin tries to go near him and Xiumin notices, so he stays where he is.

“Why?” Luhan asks.

“Just-I Just have a bad feeling about this, okay?

“That’s crazy-”

“Just not today, please! I have a feeling that if you leave, something bad will happen” Xiumin knows he’s acting crazy but he has no other choice.

“Why are you acting like this? You’re scaring me.” Luhan looks at him with apprehension, “Does this have something to do with your dreams?”

“What? What are you-“

“I asked Kyungsoo. People don’t just change Xiumin and suddenly, you just did. I thought you were cheating on me or something or you got someone pregnant or you murdered someone. So I asked, and Kyungsoo thinks this is because of that, your dreams– your dreams where I die. This is why you suddenly changed, right? This is why you don’t want me to leave. Just tell me.”

 “No, it’s not. I don’t have-” Xiumin can hear the hesitation in his own voice.

“This is crazy.”

“It’s not just a dream,” Xiumin finally admitted in a whisper.

“What are you saying? Xiumin, why do you always have to keep everything to yourself?”

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t believe it either, I’m still not sure if I do now.”

“I don’t understand”

“It’s not just a dream. I saw it all happened like it’s real. I knew about Jongin coming back, the yellow ribbon, even about the presentation. I forced myself to believe it’s just a coincidence. That it was just a dream. But this. . .It was a Monday too when you are supposed to come back to China but then you-“

“Xiumin this is-“ Luhan is slightly shaking his head and he seems to be on verge of tears.

“Maybe I’m crazy, maybe it’s just a dream really. But please, just one day, stay for one day.”

“I can’t”

”Luhan-“

“I don’t want to, Xiumin. I don’t want to stay.” Luhan says and there is a hint of anger in his voice.

“What are you saying?”

“What am I even staying for?”

“What do you m-“

“How much of this is even real? How much of yesterday would have happened if you didn’t have that stupid dream?”

“No, Luhan listen-“

“You know it’s true. Do you realize how much I try to deny that you’re only doing all of that because you’re scared that I would die? At first I thought it’s sweet, but really, if that dream never happened---Will you do something for me? Will you tell me honestly, if you did not have that dream, would you stop me from leaving today?”

Xiumin wants to say something and when he realizes he has nothing to say to that, he feels an inexplicable panic.

“You’re not stopping me because you want me to stay, to stay here with you; you’re stopping me because of that dream. I can’t believe I owe yesterday to a ing dream. I don’t want to owe anything more, I don’t want you to do anything more because of that dream.”

Xiumin does not know when Luhan starts to cry, he does not even realize he’s crying too.

“Please” Xiumin mutters and he hopes it reverberates of the other things that he’s feeling but somehow cannot say.

“I think it would help us both if I go.  You don’t even know the real reason why you want me to stay, how can I stay for that? I’ll go and if you tell me you want me back, I swear I’ll believe you and I’ll come back.”

-

Xiumin is running again. He knows only the truth can save Luhan now, and it does not matter how absurd or crazy that truth is. When he reaches the cafeteria near the dorm, his eyes automatically land on the tall boy sitting alone in the corner. The boy does not seem unfazed when Xiumin suddenly sits in front of him. Silence falls between them broken only by Xiumin’s heavy breathing. Xiumin does not know if he feels relieved or scared by the reality of this boy’s existence, perhaps both.

“Please---please tell me what’s going on.”

“You already know-“

“No! no. I need answers. Real answers. My dreams, they are not dreams they really happened. I went back in time and---Why is this happening?”

“The universe,” the boy says slowly as if as an insult to Xiumin’s urgency “makes mistakes sometimes, you know. So it’s giving you a second chance, but remember that this is a second chance for you and not for Luhan.” There is a warning in the boy’s eyes as he plays with the pendant of his necklace.

“What does that mean?”

“I mean time is running out and you should not be wasting it by talking to me.”

“Can’t you be more helpdful?” there is forcefulness, plea, and anger in his voice

“Think back, what has Luhan thought you these past few days? Isn’t it enjoying the moment? Living in the moment? What are you doing here, worrying about what would happen?”

“Are you kidding? There is the possibility of Luhan dying today and you’re telling me not to worry about it?” Xiumin returns the look of warning with a look of defiance.

“As far as you know there is also the possibility of you dying at any moment, everyone has that possibility, really. So why care?”

“I can’t---are you telling me to do nothing, to watch Luhan-“

“Knowing what is going to happen does not mean you can do something to stop it. Knowing is not the answer to everything, remember?”

“I’m not going,” Xiumin makes sure they are eye to eye “to let my happiness slip this time, Tao.” His voice is strong but his expression is imploring.

“But this time is only borrowed, be thankful rather than greedy.” Tao says and he continues to look at Xiumin as Xiumin cast down his eyes, helplessness creeping into him.

“Hyung! I’m so glad to find you here.” It is Kyungsoo who says it as Tao gets up to leave.

This time, Xiumin lets him go.

“Who is that?” Kyungsoo asks as he takes the now vacated seat.

“A friend.”

Kyungsoo frowns after Tao, “I’ve never seen him before.”

Kyungsoo takes in Xiumin’s silence and he launches into a speech:

“Hyung, I’m sorry---That I told Luhan hyung about your dreams. I honestly didn’t expect that you will fight over it. I heard he’s leaving today, but you know what hyung? It should not matter, really. I mean he will eventually go home, we all know that. But what matters is that he’ll come back and I’m sure he will, and I’m sure you want him to.”

Kyungsoo pauses to look at him. Xiumin fixes his gaze on his hands on the table, he does not tell Kyungsoo that if Luhan leaves today, he will not come back again.

“Hyung,” Kyungsoo says as he takes Xiumin’s left hand “he will come back” and ties a yellow ribbon around it next to his watch “as long as you’re here”. Xiumin wants to jerk his hand away but somehow, the ribbon feels right on his wrist.

-

Xiumin was late for the presentation, when he arrived he asked the 2 remaining presenters to let him go first, they seem to be more than willing. He feels his heart pounding all throughout the presentation and he can’t even hear himself, just the sound of his heart beating. But he needs to do this, he wants to do this. He wants to do things right. When the MaArc CEO asks him why he wants to be an architect, he changes his answer from what he gave the first time: “I used to think I wanted to be an architect because I like to create buildings, skyscrapers that will last forever, well not forever but I just wanted to leave something behind. There will come a time when I will no longer be here and I think it’s wonderful assurance that a part of me will stay planted on the earth. But I realized I was focusing too much on the product I forgot the process, the process of creating: I conceive an idea, draw it down, and the moment of watching all this come to something real and huge is the reason why I want to be an architect, no other explanation, it just makes me happy that’s why I want to do it.”

He does not say anything after that he just fled the room, now he has to save the person who reminded him how to be happy.

-

”Sir, do you know that guy running after us?” the taxi driver asks Luhan who is busy staring at his knees to notice anything. Luhan looks back to the sight of Xiumin running after them, it is a bizarre sight that Luhan wonders a moment if he’s imagining it. But then the driver can see him too. The driver only has to glance at his expression to decide to stop the car. Luhan does not move and the driver is giving him awkward looks.

Tap. Tap. Xiumin is knocking at the window. Luhan refuses to look at him. Xiumin opens the door.

“Luhan--- We need to--- talk.” He is panting so hard, Luhan thinks how long he has been running, they’ve only driven a few meters away from his apartment.

“LUHAN!” Luhan jumps in his seat and unwillingly looks at Xiumin.

“Please--- come out a moment,” Xiumin says offering his hand. Luhan does not take it but he goes out of the car saying, “You’re crazy Xiumin.”

Xiumin shuts the car door for good measure. “Okay, listen-“

“This is crazy Xiumin, I’m going to be late-“

“Baby, please shut up first.” They look at each other, Xiumin still catching his breath. “Okay, this,” he shows up his hand tied with a yellow ribbon “is a symbol that I want you to come back. But that’s not entirely true. I don’t want you to come back Luhan--- I don’t want you to leave at all. BUT I won’t stop you from going back to China; I won’t force you to believe what is a dream, what is real, or what is anything. But I want to make a bet-“

There is a question in Luhan’s eyes but he remains quiet.

“At exactly 4:30 it will start to snow. This does not happen, I’ll let you go. This does happen, you stay---for at least today.”

“That’s crazy,” Luhan says for the hundredth time because he really has nothing else to say.

“If it’s crazy, then why don’t you bet?”

“Why are you doing this? If this is because-“

“No. I’m doing this because I want you. I want you here with me---today and all the other days that you want to share with me.”

After three heartbeats Luhan finally admits, “I’m scared to believe you” under his breath and Xiumin knows that Luhan’s fear is also about all the other things that he said.

“I know, I’m scared too. Part of me is also hoping that snow won’t fall at 4:30.”

They both glance at Xiumin’s watch. “It’s 4:29,” Xiumin announces. Xiumin reaches out his hand with the watch and the yellow ribbon. Time seems to stop as the significance of their surrounding melts away leaving only the reality that is the two of them. They both watch as a single snowflake slowly lands on the middle of Xiumin’s palm, hovering at the split second before contact and when it falls, finally, it brushes Xiumin’s palm like a gentle kiss.

The snow falls along with Luhan’s tears and it stops with it too; when it did, he is no longer scared.

-

From the rooftop of Luhan’s apartment building, you can see the vast soccer field of their university, which is empty right now except for two people (gender unidentifiable from the distance) sitting on the bench, an old bell tower that has no bell, the newly built gymnasium which looks flashy and out of placed and the campus outdoor swimming pool. This is what Xiumin is trying to draw or being forced to draw as he leans forward on the railings with Luhan behind him hurling insults and instructions “Why did you leave out the two people on the bench?”, “I want you to capture the sunset”, “This looks dull”, “Why are you focusing so much on the gym?”

Xiumin knows Luhan is only distracting them from the time, he had taken his watch earlier and worn it in his own wrist which is now hiding inside Xiumin’s jacket pocket along with the other one. Xiumin reaches for Luhan’s hand on instinct.

“No,” Luhan mutters against his earlobe as he takes out his hand from Xiumin’s pocket and proceeds on snaking his arms over Xiumin’s stomach, his right hand covering the watch. But even without a watch, they can still feel a countdown in the air, taunting them with senseless foreboding.

“We need to know what time it is.”

“What for? It’s not like something could happen to me here, unless you decide to throw me out the rooftop.” Luhan says and he even has the audacity to smile against Xiumin’s neck.

Xiumin reclines on Luhan’s shoulder and looks up at the already darkening sky, “Aren’t you scared?”

“Surprisingly, I’m not anymore.” Luhan says as he tightens his arms around Xiumin. “Finish your drawing.”

“Why not?” Xiumin asks as he follows his order.

“You should know, it’s scarier to be the one left behind than be the one who leaves-“

Xiumin squirms in his arms, “How can you say that?”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,”

“How can you say something like that?” Xiumin sounds like he’s about to cry.

“I’m kidding. Sorry, I went too far.”

Xiumin begins to double over and Luhan has to turn him around and hug him. “Sorry, bad joke,” he says as he sways both of them while Xiumin takes deep breaths to prevent himself from crying.

“Are you still mad at me?” Xiumin asks, his voice muffled in the crook of Luhan’s neck.

“Hm?” is Luhan’s only response.

“I would apologize for yesterday, if you want me to. But yesterday was perfect and there is really nothing about it that I’m sorry about.”

“You don’t have to-say sorry. I just wish you told me about the truth sooner.”

“I didn’t want to scare you and I’m not even sure about the truth, either.”

And perhaps the truth is something they will never really come to fully understand but they both think this is better – when the truth does not matter, just the two of them, together.

So Xiumin sits Luhan on the futon as he kneels in front of it, taking both of his hands and locking eyes with him as he says:

 “I only know about two truths, Luhan”

“One,” he swallows first

“I love you,” then tightens his jaw

“Two” he brings their joined hands to his lips

“I don’t want to lose you.” And he allows himself to finally cry.

“You won’t,” Luhan tries to wipe Xiumin’s tears with their hands

“Promise me”

Maybe he’s being childish.

Maybe he’s disregarding how Luhan doesn’t like promises.

Maybe he’s being greedy

And selfish.

But he’s so in love he desperately wants more - he wants more it does not even matter if Luhan’s whisper of “I promise” is a lie.

Because Luhan’s hands on his face are real. Luhan’s lips on his are real. Luhan’s whisper of “I love you too” against his lips are real.

As they kiss, the city becomes insignificant; they do not hear the buzz of the traffic below or feel the setting sun casting red shadows on them, they do not notice anything as they reach around each other and trace patterns on each other’s lips; finally, a moment that feels as if time freezes. Slowly, the countdown in the air disappears.

-

“Have you heard about this theory,” they are now laying on the futon, with Luhan’s head resting on Xiumin’s arms as they stare deeply into the sky “that everything is real only when they are perceived.”

Xiumin thinks – yes he has heard of it before from a certain Chanyeol. They have been trying to stay awake by talking about anything they can think of and the conversation somehow veers into this.

“It means when we close our eyes, everything cease to exist,” Luhan waves his hand for effect. “And when we open our eyes again,” he makes a dramatic demonstration of his eyes opening “everything reassembles back to how they used to.”

“That is one crappy theory.”

“Close your eyes,” Luhan elbows him.

“No”

“Come on.”

“Okay”

“You’re not closing them.”

“Okay okay.”

“Now, how sure are you that I’m really here?”

“Because I can hear your voice, I can smell you, I can literally feel your body heat, I can feel your head on my arm, I can feel you breathing, I can feel your heartbeat, I can feel you looking at me and you’re coming closer-“

Xiumin opens his eyes to find Luhan’s face inches away from him, “Isn’t it awesome?”

“What is?” Xiumin scoots down a little so that they are eye to eye.

“You just have to open your eyes to make things real.”

“That’s not philosophical, that’s poetic.”

“I don’t like poets.”

“Why not?”

“They’re dangerous. Their words are lies and their lies are beautiful”

Xiumin sniggers.

“Why are you laughing? ------------Stop!”

But Xiumin only laughs harder until Luhan joins him. Xiumin is laughing so hard he’s holding on to his stomach while Luhan laughs with his feet up in the air.

Their laughter dissolves into smile. They look at each, but their eyes are still full of mirth they end up laughing again.

It is Xiumin who recovers first and proceeds on staring at Luhan.

“What are you doing?” Luhan asks the remaining of a laughter making him breathless.

Xiumin mimics the dramatic opening of Luhan’s eyes, “I’m making you real.”

“Touché.”

Xiumin stares harder, first at his eyes down to his nose, to his lips, up again then he notices the flush on Luhan’s cheek. It’s cute how he can still make Luhan blush but despite the intensity of his gaze, Luhan tries to look back at him. And as they stare at each other, Xiumin realizes something.

“You’re my second shot on the rocks.”

“What?”

Luhan has never tried this drink and Xiumin realizes how much more there is left to do together.

“I can just look at you and feel extremely satisfied”

“Owkay??” Luhan says slowly.

“Come here.”

“Why?”

“Kiss me.”

Luhan scoots nearer but Xiumin leans in first, “But I would always want more”, and pecks him on the lips, “and more” again, “and more” and again “and more” and again. Luhan dives into the kiss and they both seem to can’t get enough of it; they do not stop until they are both breathless.

“Tomorrow---I will make you second shot on the rocks.”

“I already have an idea of what it takes like,” and Luhan draws him for a kiss again.

Only, tomorrow does not come for them, not exactly because when they wake up it’s Monday again.

Monday

Luhan wakes up to deliberate kisses on his cheeks. He smiles but tries to hide his face on Xiumin’s pillow while grumbling protests.

“Luhan, it’s like 10 AM already.”

“I hate you, I was having a nice dream.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Weird but nice.”

“What’s it about?” Xiumin rests his chin on Luhan’s upper arm.

“I can’t exactly remember, something about a snow, a shattering window, a kiss on the rooftop.”

“A kiss? With who?”

“I don’t know, he was really good-looking though.”

Xiumin smirks, “Did you just have a wet dream about me?”

Luhan tries to brush Xiumin away but Xiumin envelops him in an embrace. “You don’t have to dream about it. I can make it come true if you want me to,” Xiumin taunts as he plants teasing kisses down his neck.

Luhan tries to sink himself on the bed, grunting incoherent protest but this is how – Luhan thinks - all Mondays and all the other days should start.

And the day progresses, nothing can extinguish the warmth in Luhan’s chest not even the order of him coming home because Xiumin understands and Luhan promised him he will come back.

The day is perfect, really, albeit weird as snow starts to fall when it’s already the end of winter and as a stranger comes up to him to give him a rolled paper fastened by a yellow ribbon.

“Open it when you feel like it.”

He really can’t give a polite response when Xiumin is shamelessly snuggling him from behind.

The stranger exchange looks with Xiumin and Luhan has to crane his neck back to catch the look if gratitude on Xiumin’s eyes.

“Who’s that?” Luhan stares after the disappearing figure of the boy.

“Tao---- he’s a friend”

There is a question in Luhan’s lips but it disappears as Xiumin drags him by the hand to catch their taxi to the airport.

 Everything falls into place or that’s how Luhan feels with Xiumin’s hand on his. Everything falls into place with a sense of familiarity.

Luhan stares at Xiumin. It takes a moment before Xiumin looks back at him, “Why?”

“I think I’m having a déjà vu. I feel like this has happened before, but kinda different.” As he says it, his heart starts pounding in his chest. He has to shut his eyes as random images flash in his mind in rapid succession.

“It’s alright Luhan,” Xiumin soothes beside him as he tighten his grip on their hands, Luhan can feel their racing pulse between their palm. Luhan suddenly remembers the rolled up paper he stuffed in his backpack. He retrieves it with shaking hands while Xiumin put his arm around his waist to steady him.

It’s a drawing, of the view from the rooftop of his apartment. By how calculated and precise the lines and angles are, he is sure this is drawn by Xiumin. Can the beauty of the drawing compensate for the fact that it is incomplete?

The snow stops outside.

And the countdown is back in the air as “It’s not a dream” slips out of Luhan’s lips and the pounding of his heart turns into something violent.

Xiumin answers in a strong voice, because he has to be brave for both of them “Yes it’s not a dream,” but the hint of apology in his voice betrays him, “It’s not a dream when I told you I love you,” as well as a gasp for air, “It’s not a dream when I told you I don’t want to lose you,” and a whimper.

The countdown is back, not like an alarm that ends in a blare.

“No,” Luhan pleads and his voice breaks into thousand pieces. He breaks into thousand pieces, as he clings onto Xiumin as if they can stop reality by clinging into each other’s skin.

The countdown is back like the last grains of sand falling from an hourglass, it doesn’t end in a blare but in a steady and gradual emptiness.

The next image, is of the window shattering.