Thursday

“Luhan,” Xiumin calls out not looking up from his notes in Architecture 302. “Please stop staring at me and do some real studying.”

“I wasn’t staring,” Luhan says half-defensive half-amused while he continues on staring at him. Xiumin is leaning so close to his notes, he is almost kissing it. His hair is pushed back away from his eyes to reveal his wide forehead. Under the table, he is hugging his own arms making him look smaller than usual.

“Okay,” Luhan says finally turning his gaze. “If you must know, I only look at you after I finish studying a page.”

“And that is why you are still on page 2.”

“Excuse me, I’m on page 3.” Luhan laughs at himself, leaning his chair back on its hind legs.

“Seriously dude, if you are not going to study at least don’t bother me.”

“But I am just sitting here!” Luhan whines dropping his chair back on all fours. “And don’t dude me, how many times will I tell you. I mean, you call everyone dude, Kyungsoo, Junmyeon, Jongdae, even girls, you all call them dude and I –“

Xiumin resignedly buries his face in his notebook and hugs his own head. For the whole year that they have been together, they both know it is not possible for them to study together but they always try anyway. Only, tomorrow is the last day of final exams and they are both graduating.

He feels Luhan come closer and rest his chin on his shoulder. He can’t see it but he knows Luhan is pouting. Xiumin turns his head slightly and mutters “You are going to destroy my future you know.”

“I told you not to worry about it, I’m rich” Luhan whispers and Xiumin can feel his breath against his cheek. This is how Luhan, coming from a rich Chinese family, dismisses all their discussion about needing, or not needing, to study. Luhan is taking up business administration and Xiumin once joked that the moment Luhan starts taking over their family business it will go bankrupt in a week. He is now starting to firmly believe this could happen. Luhan is an airhead, getting his way purely with charm and zero wit. A kind-hearted airhead, the worst possible combination for a businessman. He would probably end up liquidizing the business assets and giving out the money to the poor. He is so endearingly stupid.

“What are you thinking?” Luhan asks, lips brushing the edge of Xiumin’s cheek like a feather-light kiss.

“You,” Xiumin answers, voice muffled in his notebook. He can feel Luhan smile. “Don’t flatter yourself, it was all about bad things.”

“Like what?” Luhan challenges but Xiumin has no time for this, the effect of the 3 cups of coffee he already downed is now subsiding and he is only halfway through studying. Unlike Luhan he does not have a rich background to fall back on; he has student loans to pay, and dreams to fulfill. The thought of his dream to become an architect and erect skyscrapers that will stand the test of time, suddenly wipes all traces of his drowsiness.

He jolted his head back up, so swiftly it sent Luhan flying backwards in his chair. The startled look on Luhan’s face and his screech of shock is so hilarious that Xiumin did not have the sense to grab Luhan’s arm that reached for him at the last second. The next image is of Luhan sprawled on the cold dormitory floor.

“Yah!” Kyungsoo shouts from his bed, clearly awoken by the resulting noise. “What are you doing!?”

Xiumin immediately tries to help Luhan up but he is so overcome by laughter. They just became a laughing tangle of arms and limbs.

“Nothing, Kyungsoo,” Luhan says when he is back on his feet. Xiumin tries to stifle his laugh at the back of Luhan’s shoulder. Sometimes they forget about Kyungsoo, Xiumin’s roommate or sometimes they just don’t care he is there.

“Go back to sleep,” Luhan says while nursing his .

Kyungsoo makes a show of angrily pulling the sheets over his head. “Signal for you to go back to your apartment.” Xiumin whispers, as an exaggerated attempt to be considerate to the sleeping Kyungsoo, while he disentangles his arms from Luhan’s waist.

“Okay, you have to study anyway” Luhan answers in the same exaggerated whisper as he tries to make his exit without breaking eye contact - walking backwards, bumping on the leg of the table, laughing at his own mishap, groping for the doorknob behind him, hitting himself with the door while Xiumin watches feigning exasperation.  As the door closes on his face, he bursts back in saying “Wait I forgot something!”

“Yeah?” Xiumin asks, eyebrows rising as Luhan deliberately walks straight towards him and moves in for a kiss, or maybe not a kiss. Luhan reaches around Xiumin for something on the table. “My handout, can’t forget my handout.”

“Of course” Xiumin says tilting his head, unamused.

Luhan smiles in apparent triumph anyway and somehow manages to kiss Xiumin who tried to dodge.

When the door closes behind Luhan, Kyungsoo emerges from under the blanket. “You know I was not kidding when I said I pray every night for the two of you to break up,” he says with so much conviction that it is funny.

Friday

Xiumin woke up to the sound of his own voice. “Luhan,” he called out, half in his dream half in reality.

“Hyung, you were dreaming,” Kyungsoo says sitting down on Xiumins’s bed and finding Xiumin’s face beaded with sweat and, possibly, tears. Xiumin tries to get up but is met by Kyungsoo’s arms. “No,” he protests. “Luhan . . . he’s dead, Kyungsoo” he says in a ghostly whisper. “I need to get him back.”

“It’s just a dream, hyung” Kyungsoo reassures. “Luhan hyung is not dead. Go back to sleep,” he says as he lay back his hyung on the bed. And just like that Xiumin fell asleep again with tears falling down his face.

-

Xiumin’s finals was a disaster. He did not get enough sleep and he woke up this morning feeling like he woke up in a dream. Examinations aside, he still has Monday to worry about – the day of thesis presentation. This presentation will determine the next course of his life. They will present in front of the most important people in the department of architecture plus the CEO of MaArc one of the major Architecture firm in Southeast Asia, which is looking to hire a fresh set of architects. Out of the 5 batches of thesis presentation, this is the only batch that the MaArc CEO will attend. Xiumin finds himself scheduled with the best students from his graduating class. He is not one of the top students but his thesis is candidate for best department thesis and best university thesis. His thesis adviser already gave him the heads up that MaArc will be having their eyes on him on Monday.

“Dude, are you sleep-walking?!” someone exclaims.

Xiumin opens his eyes and find himself in the dorm lobby which is uncharacteristically empty except for Junmyeon and Kyungsoo drinking tea on the sofa. Most students especially lower-classmen have already left for home.

“Sleeping while walking is my talent,” Xiumin announces, slumps down between Junmyeon and Kyungsoo, then stretches his legs over the center table.

“It’s normal to become a zombie during finals week” Jongdae says coming out from nowhere and joining their group. “You coming to the sem-ender party?” he asks Junmyeon and they engage in their conversation that Xiumin does not care for.

“I blew my exams,” Xiumin informs the ceiling. “And I’m so exhausted. It’s a miracle I didn’t collapse on my way here. I have this feeling like, I just woke up from a bad dream, I don’t know I –“

“You did, don’t you remember?” Kyungsoo interrupts.

“Remember what?”

“Your dream? Last night? You were trashing and mumbling and all, you woke me up you know”

“Really?” Xiumin tries to remember his dream.

“You really don’t remember?”

“What was I mumbling about?”

“Nothing that I think is comprehensible to humans,” Kyungsoo lies.

Jongdae and Junmyeon both smirk at the sass but Xiumin closes his eyes and tries to remember his dream.

Stars. This is familiar – Xiumin thinks - this is the rooftop of Luhan’s apartment building but there is no Luhan. Sound of traffic below. His thesis adviser calls about a major revision needed for his presentation. Xiumin tells him to off and hangs up. Cellphone shows the time - 5:00. It does not make sense; it is too dark for it to be either 5 in the morning or 5 in the afternoon. Xiumin tries to check his watch. There is no watch. Luhan will be pissed, that watch is his gift. A figure. Luhan? The scene dissolves. This is the meeting room of the architecture department, reserved for special use. He has only been here twice or thrice if you count now. He feels annoyed and anxious. He was not able to finish his presentation. He ran out of time. He looks at the wall clock 4:55. A lot of unfamiliar faces are in front of him. The MaArc CEO tells him, he will not be able to graduate, he will not become an architect. He becomes so angry he made the whole room quake. Debris are falling down, walls are cracking and something white are falling from the ceiling. Is it snow? The minute hand on the clock reaches 12. The whole ceiling crashes.

“Luhan?”

Luhan looks down to face him. “Yes, last time I check I am Luhan,” he smiles.

Xiumin is back in the dorm lobby, lying on the sofa with his head on Luhan’s lap. Luhan, Jongdae and Junmyeon start to laugh about something but the sound of their laughter seems far away that Xiumin wonders if he is still dreaming. He reaches up, slightly surprised to find his watch on his arm, to touch Luhan’s face and reassure himself of his reality. Luhan leans down to meet his touch, his head casting shadow on Xiumin’s face.

“You want to stay in my apartment tonight?” Luhan whispers.

 “No,” Xiumin answers abruptly, withdrawing his hand and sitting up.

Confusion registers in Luhan’s face, only in a matter of second but Xiumin catches it anyway so he adds “I really want to go back to sleep. I have one week worth of sleep to catch up on, you know this week has been hell”.

“I understand,” Luhan says slowly. Because there is nothing Luhan is not willing to understand for him. Xiumin has the sudden urge to hit Luhan or say something that will make Luhan hit him; instead he stood up and announces “Night guys” to the whole room. “Aren’t you coming with us?” Jongdae calls after him about going to God knows where and he feels rather than hear Luhan answering the question for him. His eyes and legs are so heavy; he silently curses the architect of their dorm who made the stairs so steep.

Saturday

Xiumin wakes up in midday to the sound of his phone ringing. He ignores it, he knows it is only Luhan. He stayed up last night browsing through the presentation he finished a week ago, searching for necessary edits that proved to be nonexistent. He falls asleep again until his own hunger wakes him up around dinner. Kyungsoo, while hunched over the screen of his laptop, informs him that Luhan came by, twice, when he was asleep and left Chinese take-out. Xiumin does not have the stomach to eat it. He has the feeling of being so hungry he feels empty and the feeling of being so full he wants to vomit, both at the same time.

Starting to feel dizzy he decided on eating out alone, a decision he immediately regrets when he saw the campus shops packed with people celebrating their first Saturday night after finals. He plants himself among the swarm of unfamiliar people, letting people pass by him until they all become just a blur and their conversations just insignificant buzzes. Time seems to fly, people think he is waiting for a taxi, some did stop in front him, but he did not move. A sudden desire to cry hits him from nowhere and Xiumin instinctively searches within himself for the reason behind it. He wonders if there are kinds of pain that are already carved into your bones waiting to be transmitted to your whole system at the moments you need to mature. He starts to feel like he is being watched but when he looks around, he finds people minding their own business. He does not know what he’s feeling, relief or disappointment. But someone, really is watching him, he can tell, he looks up finding two intense eyes among a pack people in a coffee shop across the road. He takes a step, and then it was gone.  

He drives to the nearest and uncrowded bar off campus. “What are you having man?” The bartender asks the moment he sat down on the bar.

“Second shot on the rocks,” He orders.

“What Double malt on rocks?” The bartender squints his questioning lined eyes on him.

Xiumin reminds himself that second shot on the rocks is his personal concoction, created back when he partimed as a bartender.  He instructs the bartender how to mix it.

“Ha, What have we here.” A tall figure suddenly sits beside him. “The same,” he gestures to the bartender. His hair is slightly longer than what Xiumin remembers but is pushed away from his face to reveal his still handsome but noticeably sharper features. It’s Kris, Xiumin’s ex.

 “So,” Kris starts.

“What are you doing here?” Xiumin asks skipping the small talk of how have you beens.

“Campus bars have curfew on drinks, so I am here.” Kris waves his huge hand and adds “and so are you” when Xiumin’s drink arrives.  “Is that second shot?” He asks eyeing the drink which looks like the color of water starting to freeze. Xiumin raises his eyebrow at Kris, surprised that he recognized the drink.

“Can I take a sip?”

Xiumin shrugs not so subtly, his shoulders almost touch his cheeks, and it made Kris smile.

“Yours is better.” Kris says after trying the drink, sliding the glass and himself closer to Xiumin.

Xiumin tries it. Yes, his mix is better. Kris starts talking with the bartender who he apparently knows. Xiumin remembers two years ago when he still bartends: On a particularly cold day, a weird costumer, who introduced himself as Chanyeol a Philosophy major, decided to dump all his existential angst and other philosophical dilemma on him, including some financial and love life problems. When Chanyeol is already drunk, and probably the time for Xiumin to stop serving him, he asked for a drink that is so satisfying he would always ask for more. “How can it be satisfying if it makes you ask for more?” he remembers asking. Then second shot on the rocks was born – a drink so satisfying you would always ask for a second glass, then a second to the second, then a second to the second of that second and so on, at least according to Chanyeol. A major in Philosophy – Xiumin thought – s up students or maybe, ed up students major in Philosophy.

“Where did you go?” Kris asks face too close that Xiumin has to raise his chin in order to meet Kris’s gaze. Back to reality and completely aware of Kris’s presence, he asks “Are you graduating?”

Kris turns to his drink. “I’m still one year behind” he says before taking a sip. Xiumin knows that Kris is not proud of this. He remembers how there is always competition between them, a competition to make each other feel like the lesser one in the relationship. Maybe they used each other to feed their ego but at least they are both aware of it and they did come out of their relationship with more assurance of themselves. Xiumin can’t help but compare Kris to Luhan. Kris is always trying to run ahead of him while Luhan is always behind him. He remembers Luhan’s earlier phone call, where he lied about staying in to revise his thesis presentation.  He half-wished Luhan will see through the lie, see he does not deserve to be lied on. Xiumin just wants him to run faster on life. He once thought that Luhan is his anchor, someone to hold him when the velocity of life drags him to different directions. But now, he thinks that Luhan is only slowing him down. He is starting to feel burdened  and undeserving of his love.

Sunday

The feeling of being suffocated wakes Xiumin. He opens his eyes to wide white walls. His throat burns. He tries to get up. His head splits into million pieces that made him instinctively grab his face. Then he realizes he is shaking.

“You okay there?”

Xiumin almost jumps. Kris is in the doorway wearing nothing but boxers. “You want some aspirin? There’s some – well you know your way around here so . . .” he trails off as he puts on a white shirt.

Xiumin is suddenly aware of his own ness except for a pair of boxers. – he thought.

“Dude you’re shaking” Kris says touching his shoulder, his hand warm against Xiumin’s skin.

“I-,“ Xiumin croaks.

“I’ll get you some water” Kris says as he turns to leave.

-

It took Xiumin 6 eggs and 2 cups of rice, that Kris managed to produce from his kitchen, before he feels that something finally reaches his stomach. He has gone a whole and half day without eating anything.

“Jesus dude, no wonder you are so skinny now. And before, if you skip at least one meal you will probably die.” Kris entertains himself while watching Xiumin eat.

Xiumin pushes his plate away and closes his eyes. He swears he can feel energy flowing from his stomach to the tips of his fingers and toes.

While Kris is whipping away the plates, Xiumin finally asks about what’s bothering him all morning “Listen Kris, I’m pretty much washed out of all the things that happened last night. Did we-uhm . “

“Did we what?” Kris asks smirking at the sink.

“Dude, don’t do this, not now, I’m still on the verge of collapsing here.” Xiumin groans, clearly Kris will grab every opportunity to torture him.

“Well, I’m sorry I simply did not understand your question and is merely asking you to enlighten me – “

“Did anything happen last night? Please, Kris.” He interrupts in a dead serious voice.

“Don’t worry about it man, nothing happened. Nothing, really” Kris says adapting Xiumin’s serious tone.

There is a moment of hesitation that lingers from Kris’s voice. Xiumin knows Kris wants to say something else so he waits for it. They both wait for it. The moment pass.

“But you were sweating like crazy last night so I tore off all your clothes – your welcome,” Kris says over his shoulder.

“I’m sorry for all the bother dude,” Xiumin apologizes but truthfully he wants to thank Kris but how is he going to say hey Kris thanks for not taking advantage of me last night.

“Nah, it was my pleasure undressing you,” Kris says completely bursting the bubble of hesitation formed earlier. “I have to admit though, you’ve become hotter ever since you’ve been with the princess.”

Xiumin rolls his eyes and instantly regrets it as it made him dizzy or dizzier since he’s been dizzy all morning.

Kris prods on “I mean, I totally understand that you replaced me with him. He can obviously give you what I cannot – that guy’s a power bot-“

“Oh shut up Kris,” Xiumin interrupts as his head gives a painful throb.

“Why, is he not?” Kris turns around to fully enjoy the scene of Xiumin’s agony.

“Can’t you give me a break?” Xiumin asks kneading his temple. “I’m in the middle of the worst hangover of my life.”

He can feel Kris studying him who after a while proclaims, “You really do love him.”

Xiumin wonders in which part from last night, in which he never mentioned Luhan, not even once, up to this conversation did Kris drew his conclusion from.  He barely hears Kris saying, “I know you can be an Xiumin but don’t this one up.”

Xiumin is now regretting eating all those eggs that are now threatening to make a reappearance.

-

The smell of tea in the air is so strong and sweet, you can probably taste it if you stick your tongue out.  Xiumin is waiting for Kyungsoo to finish serving customers in the tea shop, where he works during Sundays and Modays, so he can borrow his key into their dorm room because Xiumin has no idea where his own key is. When Kyungsoo came bearing his key, he says “Aren’t you staying? Luhan is coming.”

“I need to go back to the dorm first.” He says reaching out for Kyungsoo’s key but Kyungsoo holds it back.

“Liar,” Kyungsoo says barely moving his lips and staring straight into Xiumin’s eyes.

“What? Kyungsoo I don’t have time – “

“I covered up for you, you know. Luhan hyung called last night, checking if you really stayed in.”

So Luhan did see through the lie – Xiumin feels amused by this.

“He thinks, you are avoiding him, no, withdrawing from him, that was his term.”

“Kyungsoo , I wasn’t –“ At that moment Jongdae and Junmyeon arrive.

“So stay, talk to him.”Kyungsoo walks away with his key.

“Oh Xiumin, Luhan isn’t here yet?” Jongdae asks, as he and Junmyeon sit down at their regular table.

This has become their thing, to have tea here during Sunday afternoon, just a change in setting for what usually occurs in their dorm room lobby. Xiumin sits down with them and reminds himself that he is not running away from anything, he has not done anything wrong.

He is thankful that Jongdae and Junmyeon seem to be immersed in their conversation that they do not bother to include him. But the sound of their laughter rings in his ears extra longer as if the sound is being bounced back and forth the wall of his ear canal. He edges himself a little farther away from them, leans back on his chair and imagines how they would look gathering around this table drinking bubble tea when he is already an architect, Jongdae a lawyer, Junmyeon a doctor, and Kyungsoo, he ponders for a moment, Kyungsoo still the one hunching over his laptop ignoring the business of his professional friends.

Then he thinks of Luhan, where will Luhan be in the middle of all this? The reality of Luhan going back to China after graduation has been an invisible wall preventing Xiumin from thinking about their relationship past college. Kyungsoo sits down beside him. His shift is probably finished which means its already 4pm. At the thought of the time he realizes that he’s not wearing his watch. He thinks back if he was wearing it last night. He feels his phone in his pocket, it has been dead since this morning. Luhan must have been contacting him all day; no surely, Luhan has been contacting him all day.

-

When Luhan didn’t show up in the tea shop and wouldn’t take any of their calls, Xiumin decided to drop by his apartment even though he does not know what to say, even though he does not know what to do with Luhan at all.

“Hey,” he greets tentatively when Luhan finally answers the door.

“Hey,” Luhan answers back, lingering on the doorframe.

 “Uhh,” Xiumin feels stupid just standing there. Luhan opens the door for him and heads back inside without saying a word.

It took Xiumin a moment to take in the scene – the living room is empty except for the table and sofa, 2 large boxes sits by the wall, half-packed. He looks at Luhan who’s back is on him.

“What-“ Xiumin starts.

“I’m going back to China.” Luhan says without turning to look at him.

“What?! Now?”

“Tomorrow. My father called, he needs me back by tomorrow.” Luhan answers in a cold voice.

“And you have no plans of telling me?”

“Oh why?” Luhan says with annoyance in his voice. “It’s not like I can easily get hold of you.”

 “What’s going on Luhan?”

Luhan finally turns to look at him. “You tell me, what’s going on Xiumin?”

“What are you-“

“What time is it?”

“What?!”

“You don’t know right, because you left your watch at Kris’s place.” Luhan says as he throws something on the sofa beside Xiumin and certainly, it is Xiumin’s missing watch.

Xiumin does not even have the time to think how the watch ended up in Luhan. “Luhan, if you’re leaving because of this – “

“No, I’m leaving because that is what I’m supposed to do,

go back to China

and it does not matter when,

now or tomorrow

because it’s not gonna make a difference,

is it?”

Luhan waits for him to answer and Xiumin knows Luhan is waiting to be told otherwise.

But instead, Xiumin says "At least don't leave like this Luhan."

Luhan releases a whimper of frustration. Don't cry, Xiumin wants to beg him. Because he is tired of  Luhan crying, tired of him being the weak one when Luhan should be throwing him out or possibly hitting him for being the that he is.

"You can hit me Luhan, come on. I know you're frustrated. Why do you have to be so goddamn understanding?"

Luhan just shakes his head, crunching his face to prevent himself from crying.

"God, you are so weak running away like this."

"Me running away?" Luhan says, voice an octave higher in disbelief.

"Xiumin, you have been the one running away from me!

I don't know what your problem is.

I don't know what you’re so afraid of.

But in this relationship I have been the one who always try."

"Then," Xiumin says in a lower voice "maybe it's time to stop trying."

It took less than a second for Luhan’s knuckle to land on Xiumin’s jaw. Xiumin is thrown a step backward, he did not expect it but he is thankful for it.

He is looking at the floor when he adds "Truth hurts and I’m just being honest, when we picture our future do we find each other in it? We both know you'll be in China and I'll be right here." He looks at Luhan.

"You

are an arrogant

son of a .” Luhan says not looking at him. “You think I picture my future with you? I don't!"

Luhan takes a breath then adds in a softer voice, "With you, I never picture anything past tomorrow.

All I want is to be with you everyday". And he cries as he said it and maybe he's laughing too because it sounded so absurd and contradicting yet the pain he's feeling won't deny that it is true.

And Xiumin understands it. He walks to Luhan and puts his arm around him. As Luhan cries Xiumin whispers "I'm sorry that we ran out of everydays."

 -

Xiumin came back to the sight of several yellow ribbons, which look suspiciously crafted from an old tshirt, tied strategically at the front door of their dormhouse. It was Jongdae who informed him that Jongin, their friend and former dormate who got dismissed last semester for multiple failed subjects, was readmitted for the next semster. He called asking if the dorm still has a place for him and wants him back, they should put a yellow ribbon on the front door. "Just like from that song," Jongade said.

Around 8pm, his thesis adviser called about the need to revise his presentation - it should be condense from 35 minute to 25 minute presentation due to something about the limited availability of the CEO of MaArc. Xiumin was so pissed he almost cursed at his adviser and curse this CEO. Just because a certain person has limited time, they have to suffer.

He was pressing angrily at his keyboard and also at his jaw that Luhan hit, annoyed that it doesn't hurt anymore, when Jongin came bursting in the room.

"Hyung! aren't you gonna welcome me back?"

"Welcome back." 

"Ah, you, seriously your’e so cold."

 "Welcome back Jongin-ah. I missed you. I'm so glad you're back. Are you happy now?"

 "Oow, is this the effect of a broken heart?"

Jongin obviously has caught up with the gossip but Xiumin just stares at his laptop screen.

"Take a break hyung. Come down in the lake with us. We're going to throw Luhan hyung a send-away party too." 

Xiumin does not know why he is surprised by this. Did he expect Luhan to wallow in his apartment while packing? Apparently he is the only one who is going to have a bad night.

"It's a shame," Jongin continues. "He's leaving while I just came back. But you know what, I think this is for the best, for you two to leave it here."

 "What do you mean?" Xiumin almost turns to look at him but something tells him he's not going to like the look on Jongin's face.

 "Better leave it here while it's still nice and sweet. I mean, I think your relationship will not survive long distance given you only have one year as a basis."

 "Time is not a measure of relationship Jongin." Xiumin says although he does not know where that came from.

 "Maybe. If you change your mind, we'll be down the lake," Jongin says, patting the top of Xiumin's head as he leaves.

 Time is not a measure of relationship, Xiumin types. He stares at it for a moment, the cursor blinking at him, and then deletes it.

Monday

This day is supposed to be one of the most important day in Xiumin’s life yet he seems to have forgotten all about it when he wakes up. It’s already around 10 in the morning but he feels sleepy still. It takes him several turns in his bed before it all come back to him,

Thesis presentation,

Luhan coming back to China.

He almost bolts up in his bed, a sudden sense of urgency flooding him but he reminds himself:

Thesis presentation at 2-5pm,

Luhan’s flight at 5pm.

He still has a lot of time.

He goes down the lobby to find bodies sprawled all over the place. It looks like his friends did not even make it back to their rooms. Jongin and Kyungsoo are in the sofa, he cannot decipher which arms and legs belong to who. Under the center table are Jongdae and Junmyeon who, for some reasons, are covered in newspapers.

He decides to eat lunch alone in the cafeteria near the dorm which is mostly frequented by freshman losers. He has no appetite but he forces himself to eat, better not collapse in the middle of his presentation. There are only about 3 other people in the room so he immediately senses that someone is looking at him. He looks up to two intense eyes familiar to him as those eyes looking at him from across a road. Without thinking, Xiumin gets up and goes to where that person is.

“Hi! Is this seat taken?”

“I can’t see anyone sitting, so I guess not.” The man replies or the boy does because now that Xiumin sees him up close, the intensity of his eyes became something like the mischief in the eyes of a little boy.

“I know you.” Xiumin says as he sits.

“Yeah?”

“Maybe I’ve seen you once or twice staring at me.”

The boy snorts.

“And I think I’ve seen you in my dreams too.”

“Oh wow. Are you hitting on me?”

“You know I’m not. And I have a feeling you know a lot of other things too. Who are you?”

“My name is Tao.”

“And?”

“And yes I do know a lot of things. But what made you think that knowing is the answer to everything?”

“Please don’t be poetic with me dude. Who are you really? And why are you following me?”

“You’re asking all the wrong kinds of questions.”

Xiumin makes a little growl of impatience.

“Seriously Xiumin, you ask questions when actually you already have the answers.”

Xiumin is not surprised that this Tao knows his name. He watches as Tao plays with the pendant of his necklace – a little glass tube constricted at the middle and filled with white sand.

 “Who are you?” he asks again.

“You also have the answer to that too.”

“Hyung! I’m so glad to find you here.” It is Jongin who says it as Tao gets up to leave.

“Wait!” Xiumin calls after him but Tao is already out the door.

“Who is that?” Jongin asks as he takes the now vacated seat.

“No one.”

“So hyung,” Jongin is panting but wastes no time to dive into a speech.

 “I was wrong, about last night.

 I hope you did not really listen to whatever I said.

I realized I’ve only been around to witness the half of your relationship, you know it was just one semester.

And that’s not even really half because of course I’m not around you all the time and when I am around I doubt that you show everything as in everything that you and Luhan hyung do when you are together.

So the point is, I’m not really in the position to judge.

Well, actually no one is in the position to judge your relationship, except of course you and Luhan hyung.

But hyung, hear this, I think it’s going to work, you and Luhan hyung, I think your going to survive long distance or whatever else, IF,” Jongin fishes something out of his pocket, “if you are willing to try hyung.” and ties a yellow ribbon around Xiumin’s wrist.

Xiumin examines the yellow ribbon then moves on to Jongin’s eyes. He wants to ask what went down the lake, what Luhan could have said but asks himself instead, does he not really know the answer to this question?

-

“Xiumin? What are you doing here?” Luhan asks the moment he opens his door and find Xiumin standing there.

“Shhh,” Xiumin says putting his index finger on his own lips.

“But don’t you need to be in-"

“Please listen to me first.”

“But it’s already 2pm. You’re going to be-”

“Baby, please shut up." That shut Luhan up.

"Okay, so there’s this philosophical theory about time, I forgot what’s it called, it says that nothing in the world is real other than the present – the past and the future they are not wholly real. So I guess the present is the most important right? and I’ve spent most of it worrying about the future. You’re right and I’m wrong, I’m stupid and wrong and an and I’m sorry.

I don’t want a future with you Luhan, I want every day just like what you want. I know we can’t have every single day so I’m just going to take all the days that I can get, if you are willing to give them to me.”

“You’re crazy Xiumin.”

“I’m not going to stop you from going back to China. But if you want to come back here, I just want you to know that you have someone to come back to,” he raises his hand to show the yellow ribbon.

“You’re really crazy, cheesy and crazy.” Luhan smiles as tears start to form in his eyes.

“I’m going to kiss you now.”

When they kiss, it is is not a moment that makes them feel as if the time freezes, it is a moment that makes them feel as if it is running faster. There is a countdown in the air and every second that drops they accompany with a kiss. 1 kiss/second or maybe more because the feel of Xiumin’s lips to Luhan’s lips and how it lingers in the millimeter of space between them, and the touch from Luhan’s cheeks to the tips of Xiumin’s fingers, are really not something that time can explain.

As if all the sand from an hourglass has dropped, they say goodbye. And with the tip of the hourglass to the other side to signal a new start, there is a promise of coming back.

-

Xiumin was late for the presentation but he feels right on track. It does not matter, there are 5 other people to present, they can all go first. However, this seems to be a bad idea as he witnessed them get bombarded one by one by all these technical questions, two students almost cried. Xiumin feels like throwing up, he decides to go out and get some fresh air despite the warning look from his adviser.

When he reaches the ground, he looks back at the second floor to the room he just exited where their future is being decided. Something pelts him in the face, he holds out his hand tied with a yellow ribbon and watches as a snowflake slowly lands on the center of his palm. Snow at the end of winter. Snow when it has been dry for weeks, so this is like a period to a very long sentence, before another sentence starts. He looks at the time 4:30, he really should be getting back but reminds himself first, time is not the enemy but yourself.

The time is 4:55, he finishes at the exact second. He can see his adviser nodding at him. Now time for the questions, he braces himself and has to wonder if he heard it right when the MaArc CEO asks “So, why do you want to be an architect Mr. Xiumin Kim?”

-

There is no trace that it snowed. The earth is back to dry earth. Xiumin walks to the empty soccer field of their university and plumps himself on one of the benches. He looks up at the already darkening sky half expecting to see Luhan’s plane to China. This is when he falls to sleep.

He is awoken by the sound of his cellphone ringing. It takes him a couple of seconds before the name of the caller register, Kyungsoo. By the urgency in Kyungsoo’s voice and the absurdity of what he is saying, Xiumin is only able to make out some of the words.

“Hyung?”

 “Where are you?”

“You have to get here.”

“Now”

“It’s Luhan hyung”

“accident”

“he’s dead”

“hyung”

He drops his phone to the ground, that’s when he noticed that it’s gone, the yellow ribbon, he lost it.

He gets up but does not know where he is going. Suddenly a wave of memories comes rushing into him, memories of half-forgotten dreams. He now remembers Kyungsoo’s voice “It’s just a dream hyung” and also Kris’s “Xiumin, it’s just a dream” and has to wonder maybe this is just a dream too. But something tells him this is not.  When the reality of Luhan’s death slowly creeps into him, Xiumin thinks – no, Luhan can’t be dead, I can still feel him, I can still feel him loving me, he is still here.