WARNING: Please prepare for a disappointing, stupid, stubborn Hani.

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(Hani)

My whole life flashed before my eyes when I heard what Chen said. Did I hear it right??

“Hani…” he called when I wasn’t responding.

“why didn’t you tell me about what you feel about me?” he repeated. Yep. I definitely heard it right.

HE KNOWS!?!?! HOW THE HELL DID HE KNOW!?!?

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about…” I stuttered and in a flash I was cornered to a tree.

“don’t lie to me.” He said and I looked at his eyes, he looked sad, confused, mad and pained.

“please Hani… tell me the truth…” he begged and my heart started to melt. Not the good type of melt, but the type of melt that will eventually, maybe, result to hyperventilating.

“how did you find out?” I asked, finally.

He knows already, there is no point in hiding it anymore. Besides, this will the last conversation we’re ever going to have.

I can feel it.

“I followed you and Baekhyun. I wanted to apologize after how I acted and I followed Baekhyun while he was running after you. He stopped for a minute then he yelled your name. I saw you with Chanyeol and..” he stopped and thought for a while before continuing

“then I heard what you were talking about..” He said and I held my breath.

“you hugged Baekhyun and I had heard everything that you had said. I didn’t know Hani… I was the reason why your eyes were swollen the last time right? Maybe that’s not the only time your eyes were like that… I didn’t know and I didn’t realize… I’m sorry….” He continued and I sighed.

“it’s not your fault.” I said

“how can it not be my fault!? I’m the reason why you were crying!!! I’m the reason why you’re hurt!!! I’m the reason why----”

“do you think I am not aware of my own feelings!?” I shouted

“what do you mean??” he asked

“I am aware I am hurt, I chose to be hurt. It’s my fault not yours.” I said

“but why… why do you choose to be hurt? Why do you pretend for me?“ he asked and I felt tears b in my eyes.

“because…. I love you, you idiot. Because I love you I’d do everything to make you happy, even if it hurts me.” I admitted.

“I hate myself for not stopping these feelings sooner. But I can’t un-love you Jongdae. It’s too difficult. I can’t forget you and I don’t want to. You’re my best friend. how can I? we practically lived together our whole lives I don’t want to throw that away.” I said

“can’t we just be the same as before and not throw anything away??” he asked

“that’s stupid. It’s like asking the family of a victim to forgive and forget the murderer and even ask the murderer to come and live with them.” I said

“what do you mean? Hani I don’t want our friendship to be ruined by this. I want the old us back. I don’t want----”

“you don’t get it… JONGDAE WE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AS BEFORE… EVER!!! I am in love with you and you’re in love with someone else… and now that you know you won’t be able to act naturally and normally unlike before when it was only me who knew because at the back of your head you know you’re hurting someone with being sweet with another… I know you Jongdae. I know you’ll think that way and that will make things worse for you and Yura. For me too because I will see how withdrawn you’ll be with her when you’re not supposed to be… THINGS WILL BE DIFFICULT FOR THE BOTH OF US. That’s why I hid it so I will be the only one who’ll be burdened. I know it’s selfish but I HAD TO DO IT BECAUSE I KNOW THIS WILL HAPPEN IF YOU FOUND OUT!!” I shouted. I don’t know why I’m shouting. I’m not even mad or angry but why am I shouting??

“I know I’m selfish but what do you want e to do Jongdae?? I love you, your happiness is my priority. Seeing you happy will eventually make me happy. It will take time but it will. I know it will.” I said

“your happiness is my priority too… but I end up hurting you instead.” He said

“I’m happy with just seeing you happy.” I replied

“no you’re not. I can see it in your eyes. ” he said and held my face. He caressed my eyes with his thumb.

“these eyes that are swollen every time because of me. These eyes that always had a fake light in them. Why didn’t I see it before?” he asked

“you didn’t have to see it because it was hidden for a reason. Don’t make things even more complicated Jongdae. Pretend this conversation never happened, pretend you didn’t hear anything from Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Get back to your normal and happy life with Yura and I’ll be fine. I assure you.” I gave him a smile but he didn’t return it.

“I can’t… I can’t go back to that anymore because I know I’m hurting you.” He said and I sighed

“you have to try… Jongdae… I know you’re happy with Yura. Don’t let me ruin it. if you end up hurting and sad I won’t feel any better. You said my happiness is your priority too right?” I asked and he nodded

“then continue to be happy with Yura…” I said

“but..”

“please Jongdae, it would make me really happy.” I smiled a real smile.

Why am I doing this you ask?

Because that’s how much I love him. I don’t want him to feel burdened, I don’t want him to think that I won’t be happy with his relationship even if I slightly am. I want him to smile and be happy with everything. And as I kept on saying … if he’s happy then I’m happy.

“will that really make you happy?” he asked and I looked straight in his eyes.

“yes.” I replied. He was quiet after that he continued to look down on our feet and all I could hear now were the crickets and the noisy car horns from afar.

“I will… do my best to make you happy.” He finally said and I finally let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. At least things were not that complicated anymore.

“but can you do me a favor?” he asked and I looked at him.

“what is it?” I asked

“stay by my side. No matter what happens.” He said

“that’s a really difficult thing to ask of me…” I said but I was silenced with a strong hug.

“please…” he whispered and I sighed.

I won’t be able to do that favor Jongdae. I’m sorry.

“alright.” I said and hugged him back, though it pained me because I lied to him again.

This will be the last secret and lie Jongdae, you don’t have to worry.

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yup. told you you'd be disappointed. I told you to prepare for a stupid Hani. I hope you did....

about book two: that is still a working progress so please be patient okay? thanks a lot ^O^